I know it's late in the day to be mentioning this, but today was Pentecost, the day the church commemorates the coming of the Holy Spirit.
It's been a particularly profound thing for me this year, and I spent a large chunk of the day writing and reflecting on many things.
Processing events of the last week, and the last month and a half, and the last year and a half.
Some longer reflections on Pentecost may show up here later in the week, but for now, I just wanted to wish you moments filled with the breath and the warmth of the Spirit of God. Filled with the healing and restoration that are miraculous, and can only be brought by him.
Come, Holy Spirit, Come.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Roommate Tensions?
So, our house is feeling a little tense this afternoon.
Our landlord stopped by, and will be listing our house tomorrow. He requested that we keep the inside of the house cleaned and the lawn mowed so that the house shows well. (He'll give us 24 hours notice before any showings, but still...) This means we need to do some cleaning (have I mentioned that one of my roommate's in particular is not the cleanest person around??) and that the lawn needs to be mowed.
All of these are tasks I've taken care of for most of the last year. That I've done far more than my fair share of the time. And today, today I just need to rest. I'm tired and my energy levels are pretty low from yesterday's activities and demands, so, I'm wrapped in some blankets and crashed out for the moment in front of the television, watching a dvd.
I simply left a note on our fridge white board, letting my roommates know that the cleaning needed to be done, and the lawn needed to be mowed. (And, in my defense, I scrubbed the bathroom before I left the note.)
One roommate took it well. The other, not so much. But, you know what, I'm trying to not let that bother me. We've all got stuff on our plates. Yes, she's planning a wedding, but really, with the amount of time she and her fiancee spend at our house, one of them can take an hour to mow our lawn (it's not that large.) So, I'm working on not letting her annoyance bother me. They're all heading out again later and the house will be nice and quiet and peaceful.
At this point, I just want to survive the next month. I need to find one roommate and I a place to live. I need to go through the involved process of packing and moving. I need to survive the last month of craziness in wedding central. And I need to do all of these things without becoming totally homicidal or saying things I'll regret.
Our landlord stopped by, and will be listing our house tomorrow. He requested that we keep the inside of the house cleaned and the lawn mowed so that the house shows well. (He'll give us 24 hours notice before any showings, but still...) This means we need to do some cleaning (have I mentioned that one of my roommate's in particular is not the cleanest person around??) and that the lawn needs to be mowed.
All of these are tasks I've taken care of for most of the last year. That I've done far more than my fair share of the time. And today, today I just need to rest. I'm tired and my energy levels are pretty low from yesterday's activities and demands, so, I'm wrapped in some blankets and crashed out for the moment in front of the television, watching a dvd.
I simply left a note on our fridge white board, letting my roommates know that the cleaning needed to be done, and the lawn needed to be mowed. (And, in my defense, I scrubbed the bathroom before I left the note.)
One roommate took it well. The other, not so much. But, you know what, I'm trying to not let that bother me. We've all got stuff on our plates. Yes, she's planning a wedding, but really, with the amount of time she and her fiancee spend at our house, one of them can take an hour to mow our lawn (it's not that large.) So, I'm working on not letting her annoyance bother me. They're all heading out again later and the house will be nice and quiet and peaceful.
At this point, I just want to survive the next month. I need to find one roommate and I a place to live. I need to go through the involved process of packing and moving. I need to survive the last month of craziness in wedding central. And I need to do all of these things without becoming totally homicidal or saying things I'll regret.
I Should Have Known Better...
I should have known better.
I was in a fantastic mood. I'd gotten up slowly, visited the zoo, the farmer's market, and a great bakery before coming home to have breakfast.
There is a grocery store that I particularly hate. Unfortunately it has the best deals in town, so we shop there regularly. As stores go, it's huge and warehouse like. The floors are rarely clean, and it's even more rare that we don't have to go to another shop afterwards, because this store, despite it's good prices, rarely has everything we need (including staples like milk!) in stock. And, they're chronically short-staffed.
I'm sensitive to places, and this store is life-sucking. But, it saves us significant amounts of money, so we continue to shop there.
But, with all of that, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping there on a day I was in a good mood, and was supposed to be resting.
It was a bad move on my part. Within moments of stepping in the door, my mood had plummeted into crankiness.
Anyway... obviously I still need some work on the whole managing my energy and sabbath thing.
Here's to doing a better job of that next weekend.
I was in a fantastic mood. I'd gotten up slowly, visited the zoo, the farmer's market, and a great bakery before coming home to have breakfast.
There is a grocery store that I particularly hate. Unfortunately it has the best deals in town, so we shop there regularly. As stores go, it's huge and warehouse like. The floors are rarely clean, and it's even more rare that we don't have to go to another shop afterwards, because this store, despite it's good prices, rarely has everything we need (including staples like milk!) in stock. And, they're chronically short-staffed.
I'm sensitive to places, and this store is life-sucking. But, it saves us significant amounts of money, so we continue to shop there.
But, with all of that, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping there on a day I was in a good mood, and was supposed to be resting.
It was a bad move on my part. Within moments of stepping in the door, my mood had plummeted into crankiness.
Anyway... obviously I still need some work on the whole managing my energy and sabbath thing.
Here's to doing a better job of that next weekend.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Hmmm...
It was a full day, and there is much to process.
Tomorrow.
Because right now I'm going to curl up with a book, and read myself to sleep.
(And maybe have a cry. Because I think I might need that sort of release if it will come.)
Goodnight world!
Tomorrow.
Because right now I'm going to curl up with a book, and read myself to sleep.
(And maybe have a cry. Because I think I might need that sort of release if it will come.)
Goodnight world!
Uncertain (Saturday Sort-of Plans)
I'm wondering what this day will hold.
I have plans off and on today that have left me feeling uncertain. Not nervous exactly, but tentative.
I woke too early, but was glad, when I caught one roommate before she left for the day, and managed to snag a check from her so that I can pay the telephone and internet bill.
I went to bed quite early last night. I was (sort of) watching a movie with my roommate and her fiancee, and found myself falling asleep on the couch. After tugging myself awake several times, I decided it would be a better idea to simply relocate to bed. And thankfully, I slept.
With many dreams. I've been dreaming about my family a lot lately, and a few friends.
Last night's was odd and poignant.
I woke, and startled for just a moment, staring at the tiny gap of light peeking around the edge of my blind. The tree branches were white, and I was ready to groan, "Snow, really? It was 25 degrees when I went to bed. Will winter never end??" And then coherency returned, and I realized that the crab apple tree outside my bedroom window is in full bloom. White blossoms everywhere. And that certain sign of spring made me smile just a little.
Eventually I tugged myself from bed, and showered, enjoying the fact that thanks to the massage I had last night, I can move my neck with somewhat less pain at the moment.
And, in between the uncertain things of the day, I'm going to clean. To sort through my closet and figure out which clothes are to be kept, and which can go. I'm doing laundry. And I'll take all the excess clothing to a thrift store for re-use or re-sale.
I have a writing project in mind, that I'd like to find time to sit and work on.
I may go grocery shopping.
And I want to plow forward in the book I'm reading.
I may go for a wander in the park.
I have plans off and on today that have left me feeling uncertain. Not nervous exactly, but tentative.
I woke too early, but was glad, when I caught one roommate before she left for the day, and managed to snag a check from her so that I can pay the telephone and internet bill.
I went to bed quite early last night. I was (sort of) watching a movie with my roommate and her fiancee, and found myself falling asleep on the couch. After tugging myself awake several times, I decided it would be a better idea to simply relocate to bed. And thankfully, I slept.
With many dreams. I've been dreaming about my family a lot lately, and a few friends.
Last night's was odd and poignant.
I woke, and startled for just a moment, staring at the tiny gap of light peeking around the edge of my blind. The tree branches were white, and I was ready to groan, "Snow, really? It was 25 degrees when I went to bed. Will winter never end??" And then coherency returned, and I realized that the crab apple tree outside my bedroom window is in full bloom. White blossoms everywhere. And that certain sign of spring made me smile just a little.
Eventually I tugged myself from bed, and showered, enjoying the fact that thanks to the massage I had last night, I can move my neck with somewhat less pain at the moment.
And, in between the uncertain things of the day, I'm going to clean. To sort through my closet and figure out which clothes are to be kept, and which can go. I'm doing laundry. And I'll take all the excess clothing to a thrift store for re-use or re-sale.
I have a writing project in mind, that I'd like to find time to sit and work on.
I may go grocery shopping.
And I want to plow forward in the book I'm reading.
I may go for a wander in the park.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Finally Friday
This has been a week that has sort of defied the laws of time.
It has been both incredibly long and amazingly short.
But it's finally Friday. And I am wearing jeans at work. Which, in the grand scheme of the world, is a small thing, but in the scope of my life, is something I look forward to with great anticipation.
I have had a headache (mostly not terribly bad, though it did cost me that one night of sleep) all week. Day after day. I've mostly managed to drug it into submission, but it just won't go away. I booked a massage appointment for right after work tonight, to deal with my knotted neck, shoulder and back muscles in the hopes of relieving the headache with something other than drugs.
I woke to the news this morning that my roommate's car had been stolen overnight from in front of our house. Granted, her car wouldn't have been that easy to break into, but it's still a frustration for her.
I think I'm just going to be glad it's Friday.
And that I'm wearing jeans. And that there will be birthday cake for a coworker at our coffee break.
It has been both incredibly long and amazingly short.
But it's finally Friday. And I am wearing jeans at work. Which, in the grand scheme of the world, is a small thing, but in the scope of my life, is something I look forward to with great anticipation.
I have had a headache (mostly not terribly bad, though it did cost me that one night of sleep) all week. Day after day. I've mostly managed to drug it into submission, but it just won't go away. I booked a massage appointment for right after work tonight, to deal with my knotted neck, shoulder and back muscles in the hopes of relieving the headache with something other than drugs.
I woke to the news this morning that my roommate's car had been stolen overnight from in front of our house. Granted, her car wouldn't have been that easy to break into, but it's still a frustration for her.
I think I'm just going to be glad it's Friday.
And that I'm wearing jeans. And that there will be birthday cake for a coworker at our coffee break.
Pure of Heart
another thought from Henri...
Jesus Is Pure of Heart
Jesus, the Beloved of God, has a pure heart. Having a pure heart means willing one thing. Jesus wanted only to do the will of his heavenly Father. Whatever Jesus did or said, he did and said it as the obedient Son of God: "What I say is what the Father has taught me; he who sent me is with me, and has not left me to myself, for I always do what pleases him" (John 8:28-29). There are no divisions in Jesus' heart, no double motives or secret intentions. In Jesus there is complete inner unity because of his complete unity with God.
Becoming like Jesus is growing into purity of heart. That purity is what gave Jesus and will give us true spiritual vision.
Jesus Is Pure of Heart
Jesus, the Beloved of God, has a pure heart. Having a pure heart means willing one thing. Jesus wanted only to do the will of his heavenly Father. Whatever Jesus did or said, he did and said it as the obedient Son of God: "What I say is what the Father has taught me; he who sent me is with me, and has not left me to myself, for I always do what pleases him" (John 8:28-29). There are no divisions in Jesus' heart, no double motives or secret intentions. In Jesus there is complete inner unity because of his complete unity with God.
Becoming like Jesus is growing into purity of heart. That purity is what gave Jesus and will give us true spiritual vision.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Book Fiend
I have this weakness for buying books.
After I drove my parents to the airport tonight, I made a quick stop at a local bookstore, to purchase what was supposed to be one book, that I'd called ahead and put on hold.
I walked out of the store with seven books. And one more on order, that will likely arrive tomorrow, necessitating a return trip this weekend.
What makes this funny is that for the last six months, for the first time since I learned to read, I've had absolutely no interest in reading. And especially in reading books. Short articles, newspapers, magazines, blogs - all of these have held my interest, but very little book reading has actually been done (as the sidebar on the blog demonstrates!)
But, this last week or so, I've felt the stirring of interest in reading again. I've been making my way through a biography that's both very enjoyable and deeply challenging.
And, I'm excited to dive into several of the titles I purchased tonight.
So, perhaps this will be a weekend for reading. For finding a spot in the sun in the living room, or curling up in the grass in "my" park with a book.
Reading. And maybe journaling. Because, for me, they tend to go hand in hand. And I'd like to get back to journaling as well.
After I drove my parents to the airport tonight, I made a quick stop at a local bookstore, to purchase what was supposed to be one book, that I'd called ahead and put on hold.
I walked out of the store with seven books. And one more on order, that will likely arrive tomorrow, necessitating a return trip this weekend.
What makes this funny is that for the last six months, for the first time since I learned to read, I've had absolutely no interest in reading. And especially in reading books. Short articles, newspapers, magazines, blogs - all of these have held my interest, but very little book reading has actually been done (as the sidebar on the blog demonstrates!)
But, this last week or so, I've felt the stirring of interest in reading again. I've been making my way through a biography that's both very enjoyable and deeply challenging.
And, I'm excited to dive into several of the titles I purchased tonight.
So, perhaps this will be a weekend for reading. For finding a spot in the sun in the living room, or curling up in the grass in "my" park with a book.
Reading. And maybe journaling. Because, for me, they tend to go hand in hand. And I'd like to get back to journaling as well.
More Good Stuff from Henri
A few more challenging thoughts from Henri Nouwen...
Jesus Hungers and Thirsts for Uprightness
Jesus, the Blessed Son of God, hungers and thirsts for uprightness. He abhors injustice. He resists those who try to gather wealth and influence by oppression and exploitation. His whole being yearns for people to treat one another as brothers and sisters, sons and daughters of the same God.
With fervor he proclaims that the way to the Kingdom is not saying many prayers or offering many sacrifices but in feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and visiting the sick and the prisoners (see Matthew 25:31-46). He longs for a just world. He wants us to live with the same hunger and thirst.
Jesus Is Merciful
Jesus, the Blessed Child of God, is merciful. Showing mercy is different from having pity. Pity connotes distance, even looking down upon. When a beggar asks for money and you give him something out of pity, you are not showing mercy. Mercy comes from a compassionate heart; it comes from a desire to be an equal. Jesus didn't want to look down on us. He wanted to become one of us and feel deeply with us.
When Jesus called the only son of the widow of Nain to life, he did so because he felt the deep sorrow of the grieving mother in his own heart (see Luke 7:11-17). Let us look at Jesus when we want to know how to show mercy to our brothers and sisters.
Jesus Hungers and Thirsts for Uprightness
Jesus, the Blessed Son of God, hungers and thirsts for uprightness. He abhors injustice. He resists those who try to gather wealth and influence by oppression and exploitation. His whole being yearns for people to treat one another as brothers and sisters, sons and daughters of the same God.
With fervor he proclaims that the way to the Kingdom is not saying many prayers or offering many sacrifices but in feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and visiting the sick and the prisoners (see Matthew 25:31-46). He longs for a just world. He wants us to live with the same hunger and thirst.
Jesus Is Merciful
Jesus, the Blessed Child of God, is merciful. Showing mercy is different from having pity. Pity connotes distance, even looking down upon. When a beggar asks for money and you give him something out of pity, you are not showing mercy. Mercy comes from a compassionate heart; it comes from a desire to be an equal. Jesus didn't want to look down on us. He wanted to become one of us and feel deeply with us.
When Jesus called the only son of the widow of Nain to life, he did so because he felt the deep sorrow of the grieving mother in his own heart (see Luke 7:11-17). Let us look at Jesus when we want to know how to show mercy to our brothers and sisters.
Quote of the Day (x2)
Yesterday and today's quotes from the calendar that sits on my office desk, courtesy of a dear friend...
"It seems to me that we have nothing to fear when we look to God only and seek his glory alone, since he takes into account the good will alone of a heart that loves him." (Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque)
"God must be loved with the whole understanding, without deceit, with the whole will, without reserve or division, with the whole mind, without forgetfulness, without diminution, without negligence or remissness." (Venerable Mary of Agreda)
"It seems to me that we have nothing to fear when we look to God only and seek his glory alone, since he takes into account the good will alone of a heart that loves him." (Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque)
"God must be loved with the whole understanding, without deceit, with the whole will, without reserve or division, with the whole mind, without forgetfulness, without diminution, without negligence or remissness." (Venerable Mary of Agreda)
Odd Sleep
It was an odd night of sleep again. Lots of dreams. I think I'll just choose to be thankful for the fact that if I was dreaming, at least it means I was asleep.
I dreamt a lot about work too.
About the gazillion things I need to get done in the next two days. The rather large things that I'm responsible for organizing that must get done. I'm not that worried about them, so it's odd that I would dream about them. Many of them, unfortunately, rest on other people. There are so many things on my list of "must be accomplished soonish" that are waiting on bits and pieces of help from others.
Ah well. On into the day.
I dreamt a lot about work too.
About the gazillion things I need to get done in the next two days. The rather large things that I'm responsible for organizing that must get done. I'm not that worried about them, so it's odd that I would dream about them. Many of them, unfortunately, rest on other people. There are so many things on my list of "must be accomplished soonish" that are waiting on bits and pieces of help from others.
Ah well. On into the day.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
In the news...
This article struck me today.
The killings struck me deeply when they happened last year. And, in the midst of a very deep moment with Jesus while I wandering in a cemetery last summer, I came across the grave of Amber Bowerman, the tenant that was also killed.
The killings struck me deeply when they happened last year. And, in the midst of a very deep moment with Jesus while I wandering in a cemetery last summer, I came across the grave of Amber Bowerman, the tenant that was also killed.
Holy Visitation
The fact that this post that I wrote about six months ago has been getting hits the last few days caused me to pull out Rita Springer's "Effortless" album again. And particularly to listen to the song "Holy Visitation" which is the one mentioned in the other post.
I still think about the young woman I reference in that post from time to time, and pray for her. Our lives intersected in a crazy way, just at a time when I began to be certain that I'd finally met Jesus in a way that was absolutely, completely and totally going to destroy the safe and controlled life that I'd planned to live.
A dear friend of mine reminds me consistently when I gripe about this destruction that I have been "ruined for the ordinary." I usually need her reminders, and have it jotted in the front of my Bible with the date of the first time she said it to me. It's also the tag line (simply "ruined") on my cell phone, when the ringer is on (which, admittedly, isn't all that often.)
But as I've been listening to "Holy Visitation" again these last few days, I haven't so much been thinking about the young woman so associated with that song for me, as about my own journey these last few months with Jesus. Not so long ago, a friend encouraged me to "get scrappy" about some things in my life. I'm not entirely sure that I've been that successful in that. But it was a challenging thought, and as I've been listening the last day or two, I've been thinking about the eagerness in my young friend's voice as she shared how the line "I was made for war, I was made for battle Lord" had encouraged her.
And oh so slowly I feel like I'm finding my fight again. Like I can stand up and be who I'm called to be. Like I'm figuring out just who I was made to be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm asking oh so many questions this week. The conversation I was so apprehensive about on Monday night left me with some questions about things that are core to me, and deeply unsettling. I'm slowly processing them as well.
But today, today I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm going to find life again. I'm really going "see Him in the land of the living."
I still think about the young woman I reference in that post from time to time, and pray for her. Our lives intersected in a crazy way, just at a time when I began to be certain that I'd finally met Jesus in a way that was absolutely, completely and totally going to destroy the safe and controlled life that I'd planned to live.
A dear friend of mine reminds me consistently when I gripe about this destruction that I have been "ruined for the ordinary." I usually need her reminders, and have it jotted in the front of my Bible with the date of the first time she said it to me. It's also the tag line (simply "ruined") on my cell phone, when the ringer is on (which, admittedly, isn't all that often.)
But as I've been listening to "Holy Visitation" again these last few days, I haven't so much been thinking about the young woman so associated with that song for me, as about my own journey these last few months with Jesus. Not so long ago, a friend encouraged me to "get scrappy" about some things in my life. I'm not entirely sure that I've been that successful in that. But it was a challenging thought, and as I've been listening the last day or two, I've been thinking about the eagerness in my young friend's voice as she shared how the line "I was made for war, I was made for battle Lord" had encouraged her.
And oh so slowly I feel like I'm finding my fight again. Like I can stand up and be who I'm called to be. Like I'm figuring out just who I was made to be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm asking oh so many questions this week. The conversation I was so apprehensive about on Monday night left me with some questions about things that are core to me, and deeply unsettling. I'm slowly processing them as well.
But today, today I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm going to find life again. I'm really going "see Him in the land of the living."
Light?
This cartoon at The Naked Pastor made me chuckle this morning.
It may hit just a little bit close to home.
But I certainly know the feeling.
Check it out here.
It may hit just a little bit close to home.
But I certainly know the feeling.
Check it out here.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Rains Came...
I smiled to myself just a little when the rain began last night. The light, refreshing sort of spring rain.
I'd been waiting for a week or so, watching the forecast. Needing somehow, that new life that comes with the rains.
The timing of the start of the rain was just so. An period at the end of a sentence. A sort of promise. A whispered word speaking an encouragement to continued obedience, an ongoing guidance of my steps and path.
And then, driving home, against the heavy rain darkened clouds, was a rainbow. An exclamation point, to further extend my grammatical metaphor. A rainbow that originated approximately over my house. That offered yet another promise.
The rains came, and I remembered again two promises "I will see him in the land of the living," and "He makes all things new."
I'd been waiting for a week or so, watching the forecast. Needing somehow, that new life that comes with the rains.
The timing of the start of the rain was just so. An period at the end of a sentence. A sort of promise. A whispered word speaking an encouragement to continued obedience, an ongoing guidance of my steps and path.
And then, driving home, against the heavy rain darkened clouds, was a rainbow. An exclamation point, to further extend my grammatical metaphor. A rainbow that originated approximately over my house. That offered yet another promise.
The rains came, and I remembered again two promises "I will see him in the land of the living," and "He makes all things new."
All in the clothes?
It's always funny to me how clothes make a difference in confidence levels. They seem like such a superficial thing, and yet they really do make a difference.
And, when I'm nervous about something, I dress very carefully for that event.
I was thinking about that this afternoon, because I'm feeling pretty rotten today. The headache is still hanging on, and my stomach is still working on recovering.
But, I'm wearing "the perfect dress" at the office today, and that's helping my confidence levels just a little. I may not feel great, but I look great!
This dress really is the perfect little number, and I scored it on a sale rack (with my roommate's help) on the weekend. Marked down from $78 to $20, it will perfectly fulfill the need for a dress to wear to two separate weddings this summer (dressed up for an evening one with heels, and down for a garden one with nice flip-flops) AND it absolutely works for the office. How often do you find one item that meets all of those criteria and is relatively comfortable to boot?
So, my stomach may ache, and my head may throb, and generally feel as if it's full of cotton, but today, today, I look good! :)
And, when I'm nervous about something, I dress very carefully for that event.
I was thinking about that this afternoon, because I'm feeling pretty rotten today. The headache is still hanging on, and my stomach is still working on recovering.
But, I'm wearing "the perfect dress" at the office today, and that's helping my confidence levels just a little. I may not feel great, but I look great!
This dress really is the perfect little number, and I scored it on a sale rack (with my roommate's help) on the weekend. Marked down from $78 to $20, it will perfectly fulfill the need for a dress to wear to two separate weddings this summer (dressed up for an evening one with heels, and down for a garden one with nice flip-flops) AND it absolutely works for the office. How often do you find one item that meets all of those criteria and is relatively comfortable to boot?
So, my stomach may ache, and my head may throb, and generally feel as if it's full of cotton, but today, today, I look good! :)
Quote for the day
From the calendar that sits on my desk:
"Prayer is a rest, a relaxation. One must come in total simplicity to the one whom one loves...We must look at him all the time; we must keep silent; it is so simple." (Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity)
"Prayer is a rest, a relaxation. One must come in total simplicity to the one whom one loves...We must look at him all the time; we must keep silent; it is so simple." (Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity)
Rough Night
I had a headache when I went to bed last night. Not the sort I'd usually medicate (I want the drugs to be effective when that occasional really bad headache arrives.) I won't be making that mistake again.
Rather than the several hours I usually sleep before the first waking, I slept for an hour. Then I woke every 20 minutes or so for the next six hours. But I was never awake enough to move out of bed to find medication. So I just sort of lay there in pain, drifting in and out of sleep.
Finally around six am I managed to find drugs. Just enough to cow the headache kind of into submission so that I could get up and dressed and out the door to work.
After a night of minimal sleep, with the lingering affects of a headache strong enough to cause nausea, I'm thinking it might be a challenging day.
So, here it goes!!! With lots of prayer and determination.
Rather than the several hours I usually sleep before the first waking, I slept for an hour. Then I woke every 20 minutes or so for the next six hours. But I was never awake enough to move out of bed to find medication. So I just sort of lay there in pain, drifting in and out of sleep.
Finally around six am I managed to find drugs. Just enough to cow the headache kind of into submission so that I could get up and dressed and out the door to work.
After a night of minimal sleep, with the lingering affects of a headache strong enough to cause nausea, I'm thinking it might be a challenging day.
So, here it goes!!! With lots of prayer and determination.
From Henri
A few thoughts from Henri Nouwen that have been collecting in my inbox again the last week or so...
Jesus' Compassion
Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.
Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.
Jesus' Self-Portrait
Jesus says: "Blessed are the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for uprightness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness" (Matthew 5:3-10). These words offer us a self-portrait of Jesus. Jesus is the Blessed One. And the face of the Blessed One shows poverty, gentleness, grief, hunger, and thirst for uprightness, mercy, purity of heart, a desire to make peace, and the signs of persecution.
The whole message of the Gospel is this: Become like Jesus. We have his self-portrait. When we keep that in front of our eyes, we will soon learn what it means to follow Jesus and become like him.
Jesus is Poor
Jesus, the Blessed One, is poor. The poverty of Jesus is much more than an economic or social poverty. Jesus is poor because he freely chose powerlessness over power, vulnerability over defensiveness, dependency over self-sufficiency. As the great "Song of Christ" so beautifully expresses: "He ... did not count equality with God something to be grasped. But he emptied himself, ... becoming as human beings are" (Philippians 2:6-7). This is the poverty of spirit that Jesus chose to live.
Jesus calls us who are blessed as he is to live our lives with that same poverty.
Jesus is Gentle
Jesus, the Blessed One, is gentle. Even though he speaks with great fervor and biting criticism against all forms of hypocrisy and is not afraid to attack deception, vanity, manipulation and oppression, his heart is a gentle heart. He won't break the crushed reed or snuff the faltering wick (see Matthew 12:20). He responds to people's suffering, heals their wounds, and offers courage to the fainthearted.
Jesus came to bring good news to the poor, sight to the blind, and freedom to prisoners (see Luke 4:18-19) in all he says, and thus he reveals God's immense compassion. As his followers, we are called to that same gentleness.
Jesus Mourns
Jesus, the Blessed One, mourns. Jesus mourns when his friend Lazarus dies (see John 11:33-36); he mourns when he overlooks the city of Jerusalem, soon to be destroyed (see Luke 19:41-44). Jesus mourns over all losses and devastations that fill the human heart with pain. He grieves with those who grieve and sheds tears with those who cry.
The violence, greed, lust, and so many other evils that have distorted the face of the earth and its people causes the Beloved Son of God to mourn. We too have to mourn if we hope to experience God's consolation.
Jesus' Compassion
Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.
Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.
Jesus' Self-Portrait
Jesus says: "Blessed are the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for uprightness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness" (Matthew 5:3-10). These words offer us a self-portrait of Jesus. Jesus is the Blessed One. And the face of the Blessed One shows poverty, gentleness, grief, hunger, and thirst for uprightness, mercy, purity of heart, a desire to make peace, and the signs of persecution.
The whole message of the Gospel is this: Become like Jesus. We have his self-portrait. When we keep that in front of our eyes, we will soon learn what it means to follow Jesus and become like him.
Jesus is Poor
Jesus, the Blessed One, is poor. The poverty of Jesus is much more than an economic or social poverty. Jesus is poor because he freely chose powerlessness over power, vulnerability over defensiveness, dependency over self-sufficiency. As the great "Song of Christ" so beautifully expresses: "He ... did not count equality with God something to be grasped. But he emptied himself, ... becoming as human beings are" (Philippians 2:6-7). This is the poverty of spirit that Jesus chose to live.
Jesus calls us who are blessed as he is to live our lives with that same poverty.
Jesus is Gentle
Jesus, the Blessed One, is gentle. Even though he speaks with great fervor and biting criticism against all forms of hypocrisy and is not afraid to attack deception, vanity, manipulation and oppression, his heart is a gentle heart. He won't break the crushed reed or snuff the faltering wick (see Matthew 12:20). He responds to people's suffering, heals their wounds, and offers courage to the fainthearted.
Jesus came to bring good news to the poor, sight to the blind, and freedom to prisoners (see Luke 4:18-19) in all he says, and thus he reveals God's immense compassion. As his followers, we are called to that same gentleness.
Jesus Mourns
Jesus, the Blessed One, mourns. Jesus mourns when his friend Lazarus dies (see John 11:33-36); he mourns when he overlooks the city of Jerusalem, soon to be destroyed (see Luke 19:41-44). Jesus mourns over all losses and devastations that fill the human heart with pain. He grieves with those who grieve and sheds tears with those who cry.
The violence, greed, lust, and so many other evils that have distorted the face of the earth and its people causes the Beloved Son of God to mourn. We too have to mourn if we hope to experience God's consolation.
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Little Things
Maybe it's the little things today?
Like a full week and two days without needing to call a tow truck?
That's a little thing that is making me smile.
Like a full week and two days without needing to call a tow truck?
That's a little thing that is making me smile.
Tired
My sleeping habits have shifted again. The supplements I'm taking seem to consistently allow between three and five hours of deep, dreamless sleep. Which, depending on when I go to bed, means that I'm waking every morning between 3 and 5 a.m. After that I sleep restlessly, waking often, and dreaming, until somewhere around 6:30 or so on a work day.
All of this means that this morning in particular, I'm really struggling with feeling tired.
I'm also (somewhat successfully at the moment) working to control some anxiety and panic symptoms.
Which means that I'm feeling rather ill on top of everything else.
And the guy in the office next door, who controls the thermostat for both of our offices, seems to have the air conditioning cranked. It's not even 15 C outside yet - why are we using air conditioning??? I'm freezing!
And with that... on into the day!
All of this means that this morning in particular, I'm really struggling with feeling tired.
I'm also (somewhat successfully at the moment) working to control some anxiety and panic symptoms.
Which means that I'm feeling rather ill on top of everything else.
And the guy in the office next door, who controls the thermostat for both of our offices, seems to have the air conditioning cranked. It's not even 15 C outside yet - why are we using air conditioning??? I'm freezing!
And with that... on into the day!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Lonely
I find it funny that I can be in a head space where the last thing in the world that I want to do is be around people, and yet feel lonely.
And yet, I'm feeling that tonight. I'm hiding out in my bedroom to avoid the noise and chaos of life with roommates. Particularly the noise and chaos that comes from the constant presence of one roommate's fiancee in our home.
But I'm missing connections with the sorts of friends who truly see my heart. One of those friends phoned me this afternoon with an invitation to join his roommates and himself to hang out by a lake. I had to turn him down due to the need to participate in my family lunch. I wished in so many ways that I could spend some time with them. Spend some time laughing.
Lately I find myself counting down the hours until it's late enough to go to bed legitimately.
This week promises to be unique, starting with an appointment I have tomorrow night. An appointment I'm rather apprehensive about.
And it will be another full week. Which, when I'm feeling tired and lonely, just makes me feel more tired to even think about it. So, I'm trying not to think about it.
About 2.5 hours until I can go to bed.
And then a full week to come.
I'm peopled out, but lonely. Go figure.
And yet, I'm feeling that tonight. I'm hiding out in my bedroom to avoid the noise and chaos of life with roommates. Particularly the noise and chaos that comes from the constant presence of one roommate's fiancee in our home.
But I'm missing connections with the sorts of friends who truly see my heart. One of those friends phoned me this afternoon with an invitation to join his roommates and himself to hang out by a lake. I had to turn him down due to the need to participate in my family lunch. I wished in so many ways that I could spend some time with them. Spend some time laughing.
Lately I find myself counting down the hours until it's late enough to go to bed legitimately.
This week promises to be unique, starting with an appointment I have tomorrow night. An appointment I'm rather apprehensive about.
And it will be another full week. Which, when I'm feeling tired and lonely, just makes me feel more tired to even think about it. So, I'm trying not to think about it.
About 2.5 hours until I can go to bed.
And then a full week to come.
I'm peopled out, but lonely. Go figure.
Zoo and Family
I made it to the zoo after all. And the mall. And family lunch.
Our tech support guy came. Seems it didn't help all that much, though we thought it did at the time. The latest theory is that one of our neighbors has a electronic device that interferes with the signal from our wireless router.
So, I went to the zoo. To visit my gorilla friends.
And then I went to have lunch with my family. Where as usual, I felt quite single. Which is okay, but weird all at the same time.
My mom wanted to take family pictures. My parents are heading off to Africa for three weeks later this week, and mom is always asked for pictures of all of us. So, I've included one of my brothers and their girlfriends and I, and one of my brothers and parents and I for your perusal.
Our tech support guy came. Seems it didn't help all that much, though we thought it did at the time. The latest theory is that one of our neighbors has a electronic device that interferes with the signal from our wireless router.
So, I went to the zoo. To visit my gorilla friends.
And then I went to have lunch with my family. Where as usual, I felt quite single. Which is okay, but weird all at the same time.My mom wanted to take family pictures. My parents are heading off to Africa for three weeks later this week, and mom is always asked for pictures of all of us. So, I've included one of my brothers and their girlfriends and I, and one of my brothers and parents and I for your perusal.
Sunday Morning Hanging at Home
I was hoping (for the third weekend in a row) to go to the zoo this morning. But, I'm waiting for an internet tech support guy to show up at my house. He's coming between the very specific time slot of 8 am and 5 pm. And he'll be calling with only fifteen minutes notice to tell me he's coming. I can't get home from the zoo in fifteen minutes.
So, I'm hanging out at home this morning.
I'll be making a quick run to the mall eventually to pick up a couple of things I forgot to get yesterday. I can get home from the mall in 15 minutes.
And I'll be heading to my parent's house for lunch a bit later. Mom is having her usual pre-travel "I must gather all my children around me" moment. And I can get home from their house in 15 minutes too.
In the meantime, I think I'm going to read. I haven't been doing much reading lately. It's been hard to focus and my attention span has definitely suffered through this last year of health struggles. But I kind of feeling like reading this morning, so, for a while at least, until the mall opens and I can head out to do my necessary errand, I think I'll read.
And, I think I'll treat myself to starbucks at the mall. I'd like a cup of iced passion tea lemonade to curl up with while I read.
So, I'm hanging out at home this morning.
I'll be making a quick run to the mall eventually to pick up a couple of things I forgot to get yesterday. I can get home from the mall in 15 minutes.
And I'll be heading to my parent's house for lunch a bit later. Mom is having her usual pre-travel "I must gather all my children around me" moment. And I can get home from their house in 15 minutes too.
In the meantime, I think I'm going to read. I haven't been doing much reading lately. It's been hard to focus and my attention span has definitely suffered through this last year of health struggles. But I kind of feeling like reading this morning, so, for a while at least, until the mall opens and I can head out to do my necessary errand, I think I'll read.
And, I think I'll treat myself to starbucks at the mall. I'd like a cup of iced passion tea lemonade to curl up with while I read.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Off to bed...
I'm heading for bed. Relatively early for me.
The internet technician is coming tomorrow. I'll be really excited if he can fix the problems we've been having so that I can access the internet wirelessly from somewhere other than our kitchen (5 feet or less from the modem.)
But for now, I'm off to bed with a good book. And maybe an episode of M*A*S*H* or two.
Goodnight world!
The internet technician is coming tomorrow. I'll be really excited if he can fix the problems we've been having so that I can access the internet wirelessly from somewhere other than our kitchen (5 feet or less from the modem.)
But for now, I'm off to bed with a good book. And maybe an episode of M*A*S*H* or two.
Goodnight world!
Pedicure
Neither my mom or I had ever been for a pedicure before.
I've been wanting to get one for a while. Mom decided she'd like to have pretty toes since she's heading overseas to Africa with Dad this week for the next three weeks, and will be wearing sandals fairly constantly.
So, for mother's day I told mom I'd take her for a pedicure. I laughed pretty hard when I discovered that she was wanting to pay for mine, and I was wanting to pay for hers.
We spent a fun 45 minutes or so having our feet and legs pampered, and my results are below. (Mom's were the same color, but without the design, since she wanted something that would wear well, and wouldn't make her look like a super-flashy stuck up North American.)
I've been wanting to get one for a while. Mom decided she'd like to have pretty toes since she's heading overseas to Africa with Dad this week for the next three weeks, and will be wearing sandals fairly constantly.
So, for mother's day I told mom I'd take her for a pedicure. I laughed pretty hard when I discovered that she was wanting to pay for mine, and I was wanting to pay for hers.
We spent a fun 45 minutes or so having our feet and legs pampered, and my results are below. (Mom's were the same color, but without the design, since she wanted something that would wear well, and wouldn't make her look like a super-flashy stuck up North American.)
And on it goes...
I've spoken with the technical support people from my phone/internet/television provider three times in the last 18 hours.
They're sending a tech guy out tomorrow to hopefully fix our problems.
I would like to be able to access the internet from somewhere other than our kitchen again. Or really from anywhere that is more than five feet from our modem & router.
At least they could send someone as soon as tomorrow. I'm thankful for that.
Today's plans are lazy.
Some time with my mom (pictures of the results of that likely to come later).
We have bananas that are screaming at us that they have now reached the point where they must either be disposed of or baked into banana bread.
I need to run an errand or two.
And other than that, I think I'll probably sit in the sun and read or write.
I'm needing a lazy Saturday. I'm also praying that it is a lazy Saturday without the need for a tow truck. I would not be impressed if I had to call a tow truck for the third weekend in a row! (Though it would be sort of funny if it happened and it was the same tow truck driver for a third time!)
And with that, I'm off to watch the rest of an episode of M*A*S*H* that I started this morning, and maybe do a bit of cleaning in my bedroom.
They're sending a tech guy out tomorrow to hopefully fix our problems.
I would like to be able to access the internet from somewhere other than our kitchen again. Or really from anywhere that is more than five feet from our modem & router.
At least they could send someone as soon as tomorrow. I'm thankful for that.
Today's plans are lazy.
Some time with my mom (pictures of the results of that likely to come later).
We have bananas that are screaming at us that they have now reached the point where they must either be disposed of or baked into banana bread.
I need to run an errand or two.
And other than that, I think I'll probably sit in the sun and read or write.
I'm needing a lazy Saturday. I'm also praying that it is a lazy Saturday without the need for a tow truck. I would not be impressed if I had to call a tow truck for the third weekend in a row! (Though it would be sort of funny if it happened and it was the same tow truck driver for a third time!)
And with that, I'm off to watch the rest of an episode of M*A*S*H* that I started this morning, and maybe do a bit of cleaning in my bedroom.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Curling up...
I'm settling in for the evening.
I've got a glass of wine. Some lovely smoked gouda. A mandarin orange from Peru. Some lovely rich belgian milk chocolate with hazelnut mousse filling.
I've got a movie.
And a few really good books.
This is a good way to spend a Friday evening, I think.
I've got a glass of wine. Some lovely smoked gouda. A mandarin orange from Peru. Some lovely rich belgian milk chocolate with hazelnut mousse filling.
I've got a movie.
And a few really good books.
This is a good way to spend a Friday evening, I think.
Long Day.
Today was a crazy day at work.
So much was going on, and a few unexpected things as well.
I was extraordinarily glad when the end of the day arrived.
It wasn't a bad day, just very full and a bit crazy.
And now I'm glad it's the weekend.
So much was going on, and a few unexpected things as well.
I was extraordinarily glad when the end of the day arrived.
It wasn't a bad day, just very full and a bit crazy.
And now I'm glad it's the weekend.
Patience lacking
I'm kind of cranky this morning. Not in a bad mood sort of way precisely.
Just in a low tolerance for stupidity sort of way.
I may or may not have cursed at a construction guy standing in the middle of a driving lane near my house this morning, obviously paying very little attention to his surroundings.
Obviously I'm a bit lacking in patience.
And it will be a very full day, with lots of last minute things that were dropped on my desk.
But it's Friday, and I'm wearing jeans at the office.
So, I'm off to grab my breakfast, and dive into the thousand urgent things that must be done before the weekend officially arrives.
Just in a low tolerance for stupidity sort of way.
I may or may not have cursed at a construction guy standing in the middle of a driving lane near my house this morning, obviously paying very little attention to his surroundings.
Obviously I'm a bit lacking in patience.
And it will be a very full day, with lots of last minute things that were dropped on my desk.
But it's Friday, and I'm wearing jeans at the office.
So, I'm off to grab my breakfast, and dive into the thousand urgent things that must be done before the weekend officially arrives.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Nearly the Weekend
I had coffee with a friend right after work tonight. Actually, we picked up tea, and walked by the river for a while. Then we went out for dinner.
Then a quick stop at my parents to pick up some books I'd ordered that had arrived by mail. (My legal mailing address is still my parent's house, since I've moved fairly regularly since moving out of their place.)
Home.
Shower.
And now I'm curled up in bed.
I'll be doing a bit of reading. And watching a bit of a dvd the friend I had coffee with loaned to me.
And then I'm going to sleep. Hopefully early again.
The day was full and long, and I'm ready for rest.
One more day (another very full one) until the weekend!
Then a quick stop at my parents to pick up some books I'd ordered that had arrived by mail. (My legal mailing address is still my parent's house, since I've moved fairly regularly since moving out of their place.)
Home.
Shower.
And now I'm curled up in bed.
I'll be doing a bit of reading. And watching a bit of a dvd the friend I had coffee with loaned to me.
And then I'm going to sleep. Hopefully early again.
The day was full and long, and I'm ready for rest.
One more day (another very full one) until the weekend!
Ascension Day
Today is the day the church marks Christ's ascension from earth to heaven.
9 days from today we celebrate the coming of the Spirit at Pentecost.
Funnily enough for me, today also marks a 30 day mark of some decisions I made surrounding my health. For thirty days I've consistently followed up on these habits on a daily basis, and I think I'm finally beginning to see some results.
I'll close these thoughts on Ascension day by sharing a quote from a favorite Polish saint that appeared on my daily calendar this morning. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, and actually about Poland, as a dear friend has been travelling there for the last few days. The quote this morning struck me and fit well with what I'm thinking about surrounding Ascension Day.
"He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God. As often as I look upon the cross, so often will I forgive with all my heart." (Saint Faustina Kowalska)
9 days from today we celebrate the coming of the Spirit at Pentecost.
Funnily enough for me, today also marks a 30 day mark of some decisions I made surrounding my health. For thirty days I've consistently followed up on these habits on a daily basis, and I think I'm finally beginning to see some results.
I'll close these thoughts on Ascension day by sharing a quote from a favorite Polish saint that appeared on my daily calendar this morning. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, and actually about Poland, as a dear friend has been travelling there for the last few days. The quote this morning struck me and fit well with what I'm thinking about surrounding Ascension Day.
"He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God. As often as I look upon the cross, so often will I forgive with all my heart." (Saint Faustina Kowalska)
Thursday Morning
I have a full day ahead of me.
A training meeting this morning, and a sales meeting this afternoon.
A whole bunch of "regularly scheduled" Thursday tasks that need to be completed.
A project I'm responsible for, but am waiting on information from others to complete (the deadline is looming...)
All of these things will make for a full day.
And then I'm meeting a friend for tea for a while tonight. Downtown, or nearly so, in a favorite, funky little neighborhood. The closest thing to Europe that Calgary has to offer anyway.
This long weekend thing has thrown me off, and I'm having a hard time believing that Thursday is already here.
But hey, I like Thursdays, and Fridays are even better!
A training meeting this morning, and a sales meeting this afternoon.
A whole bunch of "regularly scheduled" Thursday tasks that need to be completed.
A project I'm responsible for, but am waiting on information from others to complete (the deadline is looming...)
All of these things will make for a full day.
And then I'm meeting a friend for tea for a while tonight. Downtown, or nearly so, in a favorite, funky little neighborhood. The closest thing to Europe that Calgary has to offer anyway.
This long weekend thing has thrown me off, and I'm having a hard time believing that Thursday is already here.
But hey, I like Thursdays, and Fridays are even better!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
9:23
It's 9:23 p.m., and after two long nights of very restless sleep, I am fading. A little bit of devotional reading, and then sleep is definitely in my plans. Hopefully far more restfully.
Goodnight world.
Goodnight world.
An Update...
I sent the following email out to a number of friends this evening, and thought I'd share it here as well.
~~~
Dear Friends,
I realized the other day that because you're rather spread out on the North American continent and beyond, it's been a while since I connected with some of you and caught up on life over a cup of tea. For those of you I have caught up with more recently, well, you can either stop reading here, or consider the following a refresher on our conversations.
Many of you will know that the last year and a half have presented me with some rather unique challenges at work, stemming from a new hire who was particularly difficult to work with. In January of this year I began actively seeking other employment, went on a few very promising interviews, but nothing panned out.
However, just under two months ago there was a sudden change in the situation at MMI (the small Mennonite insurance company I work for), the challenging coworker moved on, and I was asked to consider stepping into her position. After consulting my parents and some trusted advisers, I decided to accept and officially became the Human Resources and Administration Coordinator at MMI. I still answer the telephones in the afternoons, and fill some of the administrative assistant functions, but I now do so from my office instead of the reception desk.
After such a stressful year of work interactions, I'm loving the new, calmer atmosphere in our office. I'm also absolutely loving my new position. My days are varied, and present a wide variety of tasks and challenges. They're filled with anything and everything - last week among other things, I worked on some graphic design projects, liaised with our staff benefits company, continued the process of learning the payroll system, organized an upcoming training event, and researched venues for a conference that MMI hosts each spring. And those are only the larger projects that I spent time on. I'm excited about the chance to develop professionally that this job has dropped in my lap, and am loving the fact that I finally have a job that requires me to use my brain!
Personally, this last season has been very challenging. It's been a year marked by emotional ups and downs, and I have at times wished for a way off of the roller coaster my life seemed to have become. I remain incredibly thankful for my family, my roommates, and a few dear friends - near and far - who have gathered around me with hugs, prayers, emails, phone calls, chocolate, and long venting sessions.
Health has also been a challenge - in large part because of the immense stress I was experiencing both personally and professionally. I was sick quite often, and struggled with lack of appetite, upset stomachs, and a fairly significant degree of weight loss. I am, however, very pleased to report that due to some combination of a significant reduction in professional stress, a strict regimen of regular meals and vitamins, the healing prayers of friends, and a consistent effort at finding rest, I'm slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I'm finding I have a bit more energy and less fatigue, and, while there are good and bad days and weeks, I'm feeling encouraged. This does, however, remain a significant challenge for me, and I would love it if you would join me in praying for continued healing and restoration of energy.
A few people have been asking me about upcoming travel plans. The answer to that question is that there is nothing major on the immediate horizon. I'm still dreaming of far away places (Peru, India, Africa, and a return to Europe are all in constant consideration) but am planning to mostly stick close to home this summer.
This will be the summer of weddings and weekend trips. One of my roommates and one of my long-time friends are both getting married out of town this summer, so I'll be making weekend trips to join in those celebrations. I'm also hoping to join another long-term friend for the final portion of a pilgrimage walk here in Alberta she's been praying about making for the last year or so. I can't walk the full several weeks and distance that she's planning, but am hoping to join her for the last day or so, and a few days at her destination.
This summer also holds yet another move. Because one roommate is getting married, the other one and I will need to find a smaller place that we can afford. Moving remains one of my least favorite activities of all time, and I'm hoping this will be the last move for a while!
While the new year (can one still refer to it that way when it's nearly six months old?) has presented some challenges, it has also brought things that have continued to grow my ability to trust Jesus deeply.
As the year began, I was reading a book about miracles in which the author challenged his readers to "be relentless" in praying for miracles. As I read this, I felt Jesus speaking to me about my own heart, reminding me that I am quick to pray relentlessly for the concerns and needs of others, but slow to come to him and trust for my own desires, needs and concerns. I felt Him inviting me to "be relentless" in asking Him to care for my heart, and meet my needs. As I prayed, a list of four items that I was wrestling with formed, and it was these things that I felt led to consistently bring before Jesus.
I'll admit that I've been less than completely relentless in praying for and about these things, but I am so thankful for the grace of a God who answers anyway, and from unexpected directions.
One of the items on the list was the provision of a new job - one that would better meet my financial needs and would have a lower degree of inter-office stress. I never imagined that it would be possible for those conditions to be met without changing companies, but God has worked graciously and unexpectedly, and I'm delighted with this new door that He's opened for me at MMI.
I am seeing slow answers to prayer in a second of the four items on my list as well - a restoration of health. I had the opportunity about a month ago to have some conversations with a dear friend that held a mirror of sorts to my life and health choices, and provided the impetus to make some badly needed changes and decisions. As I mentioned earlier, I believe I am seeing slow improvements in my health and energy levels, and I'm grateful for those of you who have prayed for and with me for continued healing.
I wouldn't be the true Grey's Anatomy geek that many of you know me to be if I didn't also say that in a year in which I've seen many relationships around me change in huge ways, the reminder in last week's season finale to make sure the people you care about know it struck a deep chord. You are each much loved friend, ans while I've been rather distracted by the many challenges life has thrown my way this last while, and perhaps haven't been the best at keeping in touch, I have thought of each of you and prayed for each of you often. I would love to hear what is going on in each of your lives, what Jesus is doing in your lifes, and to know how I can be praying for you specifically. And hey, if you live nearby, I'd even love to meet you for a cup of tea and do that catching up in person.
Lots of love,
Lisa
~~~
Dear Friends,
I realized the other day that because you're rather spread out on the North American continent and beyond, it's been a while since I connected with some of you and caught up on life over a cup of tea. For those of you I have caught up with more recently, well, you can either stop reading here, or consider the following a refresher on our conversations.
Many of you will know that the last year and a half have presented me with some rather unique challenges at work, stemming from a new hire who was particularly difficult to work with. In January of this year I began actively seeking other employment, went on a few very promising interviews, but nothing panned out.
However, just under two months ago there was a sudden change in the situation at MMI (the small Mennonite insurance company I work for), the challenging coworker moved on, and I was asked to consider stepping into her position. After consulting my parents and some trusted advisers, I decided to accept and officially became the Human Resources and Administration Coordinator at MMI. I still answer the telephones in the afternoons, and fill some of the administrative assistant functions, but I now do so from my office instead of the reception desk.
After such a stressful year of work interactions, I'm loving the new, calmer atmosphere in our office. I'm also absolutely loving my new position. My days are varied, and present a wide variety of tasks and challenges. They're filled with anything and everything - last week among other things, I worked on some graphic design projects, liaised with our staff benefits company, continued the process of learning the payroll system, organized an upcoming training event, and researched venues for a conference that MMI hosts each spring. And those are only the larger projects that I spent time on. I'm excited about the chance to develop professionally that this job has dropped in my lap, and am loving the fact that I finally have a job that requires me to use my brain!
Personally, this last season has been very challenging. It's been a year marked by emotional ups and downs, and I have at times wished for a way off of the roller coaster my life seemed to have become. I remain incredibly thankful for my family, my roommates, and a few dear friends - near and far - who have gathered around me with hugs, prayers, emails, phone calls, chocolate, and long venting sessions.
Health has also been a challenge - in large part because of the immense stress I was experiencing both personally and professionally. I was sick quite often, and struggled with lack of appetite, upset stomachs, and a fairly significant degree of weight loss. I am, however, very pleased to report that due to some combination of a significant reduction in professional stress, a strict regimen of regular meals and vitamins, the healing prayers of friends, and a consistent effort at finding rest, I'm slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I'm finding I have a bit more energy and less fatigue, and, while there are good and bad days and weeks, I'm feeling encouraged. This does, however, remain a significant challenge for me, and I would love it if you would join me in praying for continued healing and restoration of energy.
A few people have been asking me about upcoming travel plans. The answer to that question is that there is nothing major on the immediate horizon. I'm still dreaming of far away places (Peru, India, Africa, and a return to Europe are all in constant consideration) but am planning to mostly stick close to home this summer.
This will be the summer of weddings and weekend trips. One of my roommates and one of my long-time friends are both getting married out of town this summer, so I'll be making weekend trips to join in those celebrations. I'm also hoping to join another long-term friend for the final portion of a pilgrimage walk here in Alberta she's been praying about making for the last year or so. I can't walk the full several weeks and distance that she's planning, but am hoping to join her for the last day or so, and a few days at her destination.
This summer also holds yet another move. Because one roommate is getting married, the other one and I will need to find a smaller place that we can afford. Moving remains one of my least favorite activities of all time, and I'm hoping this will be the last move for a while!
While the new year (can one still refer to it that way when it's nearly six months old?) has presented some challenges, it has also brought things that have continued to grow my ability to trust Jesus deeply.
As the year began, I was reading a book about miracles in which the author challenged his readers to "be relentless" in praying for miracles. As I read this, I felt Jesus speaking to me about my own heart, reminding me that I am quick to pray relentlessly for the concerns and needs of others, but slow to come to him and trust for my own desires, needs and concerns. I felt Him inviting me to "be relentless" in asking Him to care for my heart, and meet my needs. As I prayed, a list of four items that I was wrestling with formed, and it was these things that I felt led to consistently bring before Jesus.
I'll admit that I've been less than completely relentless in praying for and about these things, but I am so thankful for the grace of a God who answers anyway, and from unexpected directions.
One of the items on the list was the provision of a new job - one that would better meet my financial needs and would have a lower degree of inter-office stress. I never imagined that it would be possible for those conditions to be met without changing companies, but God has worked graciously and unexpectedly, and I'm delighted with this new door that He's opened for me at MMI.
I am seeing slow answers to prayer in a second of the four items on my list as well - a restoration of health. I had the opportunity about a month ago to have some conversations with a dear friend that held a mirror of sorts to my life and health choices, and provided the impetus to make some badly needed changes and decisions. As I mentioned earlier, I believe I am seeing slow improvements in my health and energy levels, and I'm grateful for those of you who have prayed for and with me for continued healing.
I wouldn't be the true Grey's Anatomy geek that many of you know me to be if I didn't also say that in a year in which I've seen many relationships around me change in huge ways, the reminder in last week's season finale to make sure the people you care about know it struck a deep chord. You are each much loved friend, ans while I've been rather distracted by the many challenges life has thrown my way this last while, and perhaps haven't been the best at keeping in touch, I have thought of each of you and prayed for each of you often. I would love to hear what is going on in each of your lives, what Jesus is doing in your lifes, and to know how I can be praying for you specifically. And hey, if you live nearby, I'd even love to meet you for a cup of tea and do that catching up in person.
Lots of love,
Lisa
Quotables
A few more striking quotes from the last few days on my desk calendar:
"Seeing the sun, the moon, and the stars, I said to myself, 'Who could be the Master of these beautiful things?' I felt a great desire to see him, to know him, and to pay him homage." (Saint Josephine Bakhita)
"After his ascension, Christ lives up in heaven, but he proceeds to live in us, his body on earth. And we, his body, live on earth; but in him, our head, we live in heaven." (Adrienne Von Speyr)
"The country in which I live is not my native country; that lies elsewhere, and it must always be the center of my longings." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
"Seeing the sun, the moon, and the stars, I said to myself, 'Who could be the Master of these beautiful things?' I felt a great desire to see him, to know him, and to pay him homage." (Saint Josephine Bakhita)
"After his ascension, Christ lives up in heaven, but he proceeds to live in us, his body on earth. And we, his body, live on earth; but in him, our head, we live in heaven." (Adrienne Von Speyr)
"The country in which I live is not my native country; that lies elsewhere, and it must always be the center of my longings." (Saint Therese of Lisieux)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Reunited! (Again)
It was just over a week ago that I was ecstatic to announce that George had been returned to my possession. I'm equally ecstatic, if slightly more apprehensive in my glee, to announce the same thing again tonight.
He needed a new alternator. A freak thing, since I replaced his alternator only a few months back. However, that means that it was still under warranty, and so I got George back at no cost to myself.
Which, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't seem like a huge deal, but actually lifted a huge burden of stress off of my shoulders when I got the news. It means that I remain (thanks to a large tax refund cheque) in slightly less debt than I was a few months ago. There's still a long way to go, but I'm thankful for the moment, that my emergency funds are intact, and the debt has been even marginally reduced.
He needed a new alternator. A freak thing, since I replaced his alternator only a few months back. However, that means that it was still under warranty, and so I got George back at no cost to myself.
Which, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't seem like a huge deal, but actually lifted a huge burden of stress off of my shoulders when I got the news. It means that I remain (thanks to a large tax refund cheque) in slightly less debt than I was a few months ago. There's still a long way to go, but I'm thankful for the moment, that my emergency funds are intact, and the debt has been even marginally reduced.
Henri on breath
another thought from Henri Nouwen...
The Breath of God Within Us
When we speak about the Holy Spirit, we speak about the breath of God, breathing in us. The Greek word for "spirit" is pneuma, which means "breath." We are seldom aware of our breathing. It is so essential for life that we only think about it when something is wrong with it.
The Spirit of God is like our breath. God's spirit is more intimate to us than we are to ourselves. We might not often be aware of it, but without it we cannot live a "spiritual life." It is the Holy Spirit of God who prays in us, who offers us the gifts of love, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, peace, and joy. It is the Holy Spirit who offers us the life that death cannot destroy. Let us always pray: "Come, Holy Spirit, come."
The Breath of God Within Us
When we speak about the Holy Spirit, we speak about the breath of God, breathing in us. The Greek word for "spirit" is pneuma, which means "breath." We are seldom aware of our breathing. It is so essential for life that we only think about it when something is wrong with it.
The Spirit of God is like our breath. God's spirit is more intimate to us than we are to ourselves. We might not often be aware of it, but without it we cannot live a "spiritual life." It is the Holy Spirit of God who prays in us, who offers us the gifts of love, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, peace, and joy. It is the Holy Spirit who offers us the life that death cannot destroy. Let us always pray: "Come, Holy Spirit, come."
Grey Monday (on Tuesday)
Thanks to the long weekend, this is the first day of the work week. A grey Monday.
It's cold and drizzling. Further north in the province they're having snow. I'm wearing a turtle-neck sweater in the office today, and I wore a toque and gloves for the trek via bus and train from home to the office.
I'm waiting to hear from my mechanic with news on the cost to get George back in running order. Again.
I'd forgotten how loud the train is. In the moments after I unplugged my own headphones, wishing simply for the silence to sit and pray, I was overwhelmed by the sound of someone else's music, with an obnoxious bass line, played way too loud. In that moment I missed George deeply.
I spent a long time journaling last night. Just sitting and writing with a pen. It was kind of therapeutic.
Actually, I think what I journalled will eventually be shared. But I need to run it by a couple of people first.
I'm ignoring a stiff neck and headache that came courtesy of a restless sleep. I'll take painkillers shortly and hope they help.
I'm going to spend the day making phone calls, tracking down people, arranging travel and hotels and these sorts of things.
But hey, it's a short week. And I'm having coffee with T.'s girlfriend tonight.
And the rest of the week? well, I'll sort out the things that need to be done once I've sorted out the situation with George.
It's cold and drizzling. Further north in the province they're having snow. I'm wearing a turtle-neck sweater in the office today, and I wore a toque and gloves for the trek via bus and train from home to the office.
I'm waiting to hear from my mechanic with news on the cost to get George back in running order. Again.
I'd forgotten how loud the train is. In the moments after I unplugged my own headphones, wishing simply for the silence to sit and pray, I was overwhelmed by the sound of someone else's music, with an obnoxious bass line, played way too loud. In that moment I missed George deeply.
I spent a long time journaling last night. Just sitting and writing with a pen. It was kind of therapeutic.
Actually, I think what I journalled will eventually be shared. But I need to run it by a couple of people first.
I'm ignoring a stiff neck and headache that came courtesy of a restless sleep. I'll take painkillers shortly and hope they help.
I'm going to spend the day making phone calls, tracking down people, arranging travel and hotels and these sorts of things.
But hey, it's a short week. And I'm having coffee with T.'s girlfriend tonight.
And the rest of the week? well, I'll sort out the things that need to be done once I've sorted out the situation with George.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Mid-Afternoon Lull
Is it possible to experience a mid-afternoon lull when you've only technically been out of bed for just under three hours?
The weather is rainy and cool. At least in my part of the city we didn't get the snow that they were predicting.
I'm curled up in my bedroom, with candles lit around my space.
Staring at some emails.
Sorting through some paperwork.
Trying to talk myself into not laying down and simply falling back asleep.
I think I'll go read for a while in the bathtub. Warm water and bubbles would feel good right now.
My brain feels sluggish today. I'm not up to writing deep thoughts. I'm not even sure I'm up to thinking them!
So I'll just be thankful for a long weekend. A long weekend spent mostly housebound with little to do except clean and rest.
The weather is rainy and cool. At least in my part of the city we didn't get the snow that they were predicting.
I'm curled up in my bedroom, with candles lit around my space.
Staring at some emails.
Sorting through some paperwork.
Trying to talk myself into not laying down and simply falling back asleep.
I think I'll go read for a while in the bathtub. Warm water and bubbles would feel good right now.
My brain feels sluggish today. I'm not up to writing deep thoughts. I'm not even sure I'm up to thinking them!
So I'll just be thankful for a long weekend. A long weekend spent mostly housebound with little to do except clean and rest.
T. and George
My dad picked me up from the site of George's latest breakdown on Saturday night, and took me back to my parents house. When we arrived, my mom, T. and his girlfriend were just finishing eating supper, and sat with Dad and I while we ate.
T. proceeded to inform me that he thought that I should stop going out when he'd turned down my invitation to join me.
I asked why, and he laughingly pointed out that both of the last two weekends, when he'd been unable to join me at an event I'd invited him to, George had broken down and stranded me, requiring a rescue from both a tow truck and my dad!
Then he grinned at me with the dimples that have gotten him out of trouble ever since he was a baby, and really, what was there left to do but crack up right along with him?
T. proceeded to inform me that he thought that I should stop going out when he'd turned down my invitation to join me.
I asked why, and he laughingly pointed out that both of the last two weekends, when he'd been unable to join me at an event I'd invited him to, George had broken down and stranded me, requiring a rescue from both a tow truck and my dad!
Then he grinned at me with the dimples that have gotten him out of trouble ever since he was a baby, and really, what was there left to do but crack up right along with him?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Mental Debate
I'm having this mental debate right now.
To do, or not do something.
If I do it, is it because I feel a need to justify myself? If I don't do it is it because I'm afraid?
It's supposed to snow tonight.
Which really has nothing to do with my mental debate. But is also something I'm thinking about.
I'm missing some days gone by. And people I care about.
Both of which are playing into my mental debate.
I think I'll sleep on it. Again. For as many nights as it takes until I know deep in my gut what the answer is.
And for now, for now I'll go back to watching an episode of M*A*S*H*, pause and do a bit of devotional reading and praying, and then attempt that sleep.
It was a full and productive day, mental debate notwithstanding, and I pray that tomorrow, despite the impending snow, will be equally productive.
To do, or not do something.
If I do it, is it because I feel a need to justify myself? If I don't do it is it because I'm afraid?
It's supposed to snow tonight.
Which really has nothing to do with my mental debate. But is also something I'm thinking about.
I'm missing some days gone by. And people I care about.
Both of which are playing into my mental debate.
I think I'll sleep on it. Again. For as many nights as it takes until I know deep in my gut what the answer is.
And for now, for now I'll go back to watching an episode of M*A*S*H*, pause and do a bit of devotional reading and praying, and then attempt that sleep.
It was a full and productive day, mental debate notwithstanding, and I pray that tomorrow, despite the impending snow, will be equally productive.
Thus Far
Thus far today I:
- have emptied the compost bucket
- have taken out the garbage
- have taken out the recycling
- have swept and mopped the kitchen floor, and scrubbed the kitchen counters
- have scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom
- have cooked myself lunch
- have mowed the back lawn
- have developed one blister and several tender spots on my hands
- have done two loads of laundry
All things new
I'm thinking this morning about that verse that ends "He makes all things new."
I get a craving for newness every so often. It doesn't really matter what kind of newness.
I stayed in bed until past 10:30 this morning, mostly sleeping. It was a nice change.
I'm wrestling a little with some things I've read and seen the last little while.
I'm praying for friends in various spots around the world, friends who are struggling, one who flew across the planet the other day, hoping for just one more chance to see her father before he passed away. Others who are travelling, seeking God. Some who are getting ready for marriage, and others only recently married. For some children I love. For my family.
I have a need for newness this morning.
So, today, today I'm going to clean, and work around the house. I'm going to sort and organize. I'm going to mow the lawn, and put all the recycling in the blue bin ready for pickup this week. I'm going to simplify. I'm going to work on revising a budget and check the status of my student loans. I'm going to choose not to worry about George, and the possible costs of repairing him. I'm going to watch M*A*S*H*. I'm going to write in my journal and possibly work on a creative project. I'm going to paint my fingernails and pamper myself a little.
I'm going to create cleanliness and newness around me today.
And ask Jesus to make all those other things that are on my mind new as well.
I get a craving for newness every so often. It doesn't really matter what kind of newness.
I stayed in bed until past 10:30 this morning, mostly sleeping. It was a nice change.
I'm wrestling a little with some things I've read and seen the last little while.
I'm praying for friends in various spots around the world, friends who are struggling, one who flew across the planet the other day, hoping for just one more chance to see her father before he passed away. Others who are travelling, seeking God. Some who are getting ready for marriage, and others only recently married. For some children I love. For my family.
I have a need for newness this morning.
So, today, today I'm going to clean, and work around the house. I'm going to sort and organize. I'm going to mow the lawn, and put all the recycling in the blue bin ready for pickup this week. I'm going to simplify. I'm going to work on revising a budget and check the status of my student loans. I'm going to choose not to worry about George, and the possible costs of repairing him. I'm going to watch M*A*S*H*. I'm going to write in my journal and possibly work on a creative project. I'm going to paint my fingernails and pamper myself a little.
I'm going to create cleanliness and newness around me today.
And ask Jesus to make all those other things that are on my mind new as well.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Broken Down
I'm going to spend the long weekend mostly housebound again.
I went for the drive I'd planned. About an hour out of the city I started having trouble with George again. I phoned my dad for advice, and he told me to keep driving. I made it most of the way back to their house before George died entirely.
The AMA tow truck driver was the same one who towed me last weekend. Can I just say that I won't be crushed if we don't make this a weekly event?
My dad came to get me.
My mom fed me dinner.
My brother drove me home.
After a week of intense dreams about family, it was funny to be so reliant on them tonight.
I made it two thirds of the way through the audio book I was trying to get through as I drove. I would have made it all the way if George hadn't decided to give me trouble again.
The mechanic won't be open until Tuesday. My dad thinks it may be something more serious this time. More serious as in, possibly not worth it to repair my rather old car. He also told me not to worry, or borrow trouble.
I'm so not good at that last part.
My brain is running a mile a minute, trying to think up contingencies. I'm also trying to figure out little ways to get out of my house over the next two days of the long weekend.
I was feeling pretty discouraged by the time I got home. Financial things are one of the quickest ways to stress me out.
So, I decided to take control.
I grabbed my laptop, and headed for the bathtub.
M*A*S*H* was the order of the day. M*A*S*H* and a few smile list items, including:
I went for the drive I'd planned. About an hour out of the city I started having trouble with George again. I phoned my dad for advice, and he told me to keep driving. I made it most of the way back to their house before George died entirely.
The AMA tow truck driver was the same one who towed me last weekend. Can I just say that I won't be crushed if we don't make this a weekly event?
My dad came to get me.
My mom fed me dinner.
My brother drove me home.
After a week of intense dreams about family, it was funny to be so reliant on them tonight.
I made it two thirds of the way through the audio book I was trying to get through as I drove. I would have made it all the way if George hadn't decided to give me trouble again.
The mechanic won't be open until Tuesday. My dad thinks it may be something more serious this time. More serious as in, possibly not worth it to repair my rather old car. He also told me not to worry, or borrow trouble.
I'm so not good at that last part.
My brain is running a mile a minute, trying to think up contingencies. I'm also trying to figure out little ways to get out of my house over the next two days of the long weekend.
I was feeling pretty discouraged by the time I got home. Financial things are one of the quickest ways to stress me out.
So, I decided to take control.
I grabbed my laptop, and headed for the bathtub.
M*A*S*H* was the order of the day. M*A*S*H* and a few smile list items, including:
- being thankful I went for a walk in the park last night
- remembering that I quite enjoyed two thirds of my drive today
- coconut body butter
- a family that loves me and has rescued me from car trouble twice in as many weeks
- being thankful that the car didn't break down until I was back into the city
- M*A*S*H*
- a warm bath
- a favorite blanket to wrap myself in while sitting on the couch
Saturday Plans
This morning started with the Farmer's Market and a quick stop at the library.
The smells at the farmer's market were great. A quick wander, a few purchases.
I have an audio book that I need to listen to this afternoon. I can't focus when I'm sitting in my house to listen. So, I'm going to take advantage of the sunny afternoon and make a drive through the mountains while I listen to the book.
I'm going to take some of the food I picked up at the market, and head out.
I may stop and take some photos, but mostly the plan is just to drive and listen for several hours, and then come home and rest.
The smells at the farmer's market were great. A quick wander, a few purchases.
I have an audio book that I need to listen to this afternoon. I can't focus when I'm sitting in my house to listen. So, I'm going to take advantage of the sunny afternoon and make a drive through the mountains while I listen to the book.
I'm going to take some of the food I picked up at the market, and head out.
I may stop and take some photos, but mostly the plan is just to drive and listen for several hours, and then come home and rest.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Good To Me
I went for a much needed walk in "my" park tonight. Just time for me and Jesus to chat about some stuff. It wasn't a planned thing. But it was oh so good. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a few of the pictures I took as I walked.
But for tonight, this song came up over and over as I walked and prayed.
He is good. And I am crying out for healing and freedom from Him. He is my hope.
Friday Smile List
Well, it's Friday again, and we all know that I like Fridays. However, sometimes they start out really great, and by the time I make it home in the evening, I'm starting to feel lonely, crabby and exhausted. So, I thought I'd start the process of gratitude and choosing joy nice and early today, and share a few things that are making me smile.
- Jeans at work
- a mug of passion tea, a leftover donut, and a tin of canned peaches for breakfast
- sunshine outside my window
- a great quote for the day (see my earlier post) on the calendar that was a gift from a friend
- the memory of a greeting card I purchased recently. (I'm sure one of you will get it in the mail from me.) The front has a picture of some trees and a large grey "hill" and reads "Everyone should believe in something bigger than themselves." You open it and discover that the "hill" is a part of an elephant, and read "I believe in elephants." This is my rather twisted and deadpan sense of humor. When I saw this one, I had to purchase it.
- the large raven that just flew by my window
- the fact that I have an office window
- hemp lip balm from the body shop
- the audio book I'm currently listening to as I drive to and from work
- a very cute and comfy hoody
- the prospect of a long weekend
- plans to do a bit of shopping after work, and then head home and engage in my favorite decadent pasttime by hanging out in a nice hot bubble bath with a mineral mask on my face, watching last night's season finale of Grey's Anatomy on the internet
- owning an ipod, which lets me listen to such a wide variety of things while I'm driving to and from work
- a fun conversation this morning with a coworker
- plans to go for a nice long drive and listen to a much more heavy audiobook tomorrow while enjoying the scenery of the mountains and foothills.
- the fact that I was actually sort of hungry to eat breakfast this morning
- the memory of a prayer a friend emailed to me the other night, where she asked God to arrange for me to get some hugs this week - I have gotten a few - a few really heartfelt ones, and one really awkward one, but I'll take them any way they come!
And with that, I'm off to start what promises to be a very full day!
Today's Quote
I loved this quote that appeared this morning on the calendar that my friend recently gave to me.
"Lord, you are my lover, my longing, my flowing stream, my sun; and I am your reflection." (Mechthild of Magdeburg)
"Lord, you are my lover, my longing, my flowing stream, my sun; and I am your reflection." (Mechthild of Magdeburg)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
And one more thing...
Is nepotism some sort of really uncommon word? Because it's a word I've heard fairly commonly used, but at least twice (and I think a few more times than that) this week I've used the word to describe a situation I'm aware of, and the person or people I was talking with looked at me blankly and asked "what's that?"
Seriously, is this not a commonly known word?
Seriously, is this not a commonly known word?
Hmm...
I'm trying to decide what to say.
A few minutes ago I was chatting with my roommate J., and the words were tumbling over themselves in their rush to make an appearance.
But just at this moment I'm not certain how to phrase them.
It's been a busy few evenings.
Dinner last night with a dear friend who I only manage to connect with every few months. Such a blessing to laugh and cook together. To eat and talk and share life. There aren't many friends like that left in my life, and even fewer left here in the city, so time with her is always special.
And then tonight I reconnected with M. She's just returned from 8 months overseas. That connection was a bit weird. But it was fun in many ways to do some errands together and chat about the more mundane stuff of life.
And with those things said, I think I'm going to leave it here for tonight. I need to pray and journal and read for a bit before sleeping, and I need to try to be turning my lights out within the next hour or so.
Tomorrow is Friday! And then a long weekend. I'm ready for the break!
A few minutes ago I was chatting with my roommate J., and the words were tumbling over themselves in their rush to make an appearance.
But just at this moment I'm not certain how to phrase them.
It's been a busy few evenings.
Dinner last night with a dear friend who I only manage to connect with every few months. Such a blessing to laugh and cook together. To eat and talk and share life. There aren't many friends like that left in my life, and even fewer left here in the city, so time with her is always special.
And then tonight I reconnected with M. She's just returned from 8 months overseas. That connection was a bit weird. But it was fun in many ways to do some errands together and chat about the more mundane stuff of life.
And with those things said, I think I'm going to leave it here for tonight. I need to pray and journal and read for a bit before sleeping, and I need to try to be turning my lights out within the next hour or so.
Tomorrow is Friday! And then a long weekend. I'm ready for the break!
Thoughts On Waking
Have I mentioned that discombobulated is one of my favorite words these days? It has that onomatopoeiac (I have to confess that I had to look up the spelling of onomatopoeia) quality that perfectly describes the way I'm feeling a lot of the time.
I fell asleep after praying about some issues with my family. Not a long intense prayer, just a one line "please continue healing" in the midst of some other journalled thoughts and prayers.
I woke from a vivid dream about another familial relationship, thinking, "oh, apparently there's healing needed there as well."
I slept off and on through the night. Not waking as many times as usual, or sleeping as much as I'd have liked.
This is one of those bleary eyed mornings. The alarm went, and I found myself more deeply drifting towards sleep than I was when I'd last woken nearly an hour before.
I stumbled through a morning routine, deciding not to cut a slice of a delicious pan of squares I baked last weekend. Now that I'm sitting in my office, I want nothing so much as that square for breakfast. Toast with peanut butter is just not going to satisfy in the same way.
I think I drove on auto pilot. I know this because I ended up in a lane I never take, forcing me to merge. I never take this lane because I hate merging. Merging requires me to use my left eye. I don't see well with my left eye, and I find merging a precarious prospect, requiring me to turn my head to see the lane I'm merging into, and thus not entirely be watching the lane in which I'm currently driving. But this morning, I was distracted by the audio book I was listening to, and by my own sleepy, discobobulated thoughts, and I ended up in the merge lane. I ended up thinking with great surprise "I never take this lane!"
I woke this morning, too, to discover that a book order I placed yesterday morning has been shipped. In full. No piece-meal shipping this time. Sometime in the next week or so I will take possession of four new books.
And with that, it's Thursday. I'm still bleary eyed and discombobulated. But I like Thursdays as a general rule. And this is one that is definitely going to require a cup of tea. And breakfast. So I'm off to the office kitchen to meet these needs of mine.
I fell asleep after praying about some issues with my family. Not a long intense prayer, just a one line "please continue healing" in the midst of some other journalled thoughts and prayers.
I woke from a vivid dream about another familial relationship, thinking, "oh, apparently there's healing needed there as well."
I slept off and on through the night. Not waking as many times as usual, or sleeping as much as I'd have liked.
This is one of those bleary eyed mornings. The alarm went, and I found myself more deeply drifting towards sleep than I was when I'd last woken nearly an hour before.
I stumbled through a morning routine, deciding not to cut a slice of a delicious pan of squares I baked last weekend. Now that I'm sitting in my office, I want nothing so much as that square for breakfast. Toast with peanut butter is just not going to satisfy in the same way.
I think I drove on auto pilot. I know this because I ended up in a lane I never take, forcing me to merge. I never take this lane because I hate merging. Merging requires me to use my left eye. I don't see well with my left eye, and I find merging a precarious prospect, requiring me to turn my head to see the lane I'm merging into, and thus not entirely be watching the lane in which I'm currently driving. But this morning, I was distracted by the audio book I was listening to, and by my own sleepy, discobobulated thoughts, and I ended up in the merge lane. I ended up thinking with great surprise "I never take this lane!"
I woke this morning, too, to discover that a book order I placed yesterday morning has been shipped. In full. No piece-meal shipping this time. Sometime in the next week or so I will take possession of four new books.
And with that, it's Thursday. I'm still bleary eyed and discombobulated. But I like Thursdays as a general rule. And this is one that is definitely going to require a cup of tea. And breakfast. So I'm off to the office kitchen to meet these needs of mine.
I liked this...
I liked this post at "Just Sally" this morning.
And really, who wouldn't like a quote that begins with a line from Grey's Anatomy? Because I'm firmly convinced there are so many nuggets of Jesus truth buried in some of the episodes of that show. Or maybe it's just that Jesus consistently speaks to me? Either way. I liked Sally's post.
And really, who wouldn't like a quote that begins with a line from Grey's Anatomy? Because I'm firmly convinced there are so many nuggets of Jesus truth buried in some of the episodes of that show. Or maybe it's just that Jesus consistently speaks to me? Either way. I liked Sally's post.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday Morning
I woke well before my alarm this morning.
But that was okay. Because, for the first time a week or so, I think I slept through the night. Well, without waking for at least four straight hours, possibly closer to six. There were still dreams, but they weren't the disturbing or unsettling sort. They weren't even the sort that I remembered.
Maybe it was the change of sheets on my bed.
Or just the timing of when I went to bed.
Or maybe it was that I took time to actually slow down and talk with Jesus for a little while last night before going to bed. To write in my journal, and pray through a verse of scripture that caught at me as I was reading.
Whatever it was, I didn't wake feeling too exhausted to move.
Don't get me wrong, I'm already yawning and feeling fatigued, but I slept, and I'm really grateful for that.
So, I'm praying that this will be a calm Wednesday.
I'm praying for a dear friend who is traveling today.
I'm looking forward to dinner and conversation and prayer with another friend tonight.
And I'm thankful for my new job, with lots of opportunity for variety and new challenges. With things that let me engage my brain.
But that was okay. Because, for the first time a week or so, I think I slept through the night. Well, without waking for at least four straight hours, possibly closer to six. There were still dreams, but they weren't the disturbing or unsettling sort. They weren't even the sort that I remembered.
Maybe it was the change of sheets on my bed.
Or just the timing of when I went to bed.
Or maybe it was that I took time to actually slow down and talk with Jesus for a little while last night before going to bed. To write in my journal, and pray through a verse of scripture that caught at me as I was reading.
Whatever it was, I didn't wake feeling too exhausted to move.
Don't get me wrong, I'm already yawning and feeling fatigued, but I slept, and I'm really grateful for that.
So, I'm praying that this will be a calm Wednesday.
I'm praying for a dear friend who is traveling today.
I'm looking forward to dinner and conversation and prayer with another friend tonight.
And I'm thankful for my new job, with lots of opportunity for variety and new challenges. With things that let me engage my brain.
The Cups of our Lives
several great inter-connected thoughts from Henri Nouwen...
The Cup of Life
When the mother of James and John asks Jesus to give her sons a special place in his Kingdom, Jesus responds, "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22). "Can we drink the cup?" is the most challenging and radical question we can ask ourselves. The cup is the cup of life, full of sorrows and joys. Can we hold our cups and claim them as our own? Can we lift our cups to offer blessings to others, and can we drink our cups to the bottom as cups that bring us salvation?
Keeping this question alive in us is one of the most demanding spiritual exercises we can practice.
Holding the Cup
We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows.
Lifting the Cup
When we hold firm our cups of life, fully acknowledging their sorrows and joys, we will also be able to lift our cups in human solidarity. Lifting our cups means that we are not ashamed of what we are living, and this gesture encourages others to befriend their truths as we are trying to befriend ours. By lifting up our cups and saying to each other, "To life" or "To your health," we proclaim that we are willing to look truthfully at our lives together. Thus, we can become a community of people encouraging one another to fully drink the cups that have been given to us in the conviction that they will lead us to true fulfillment.
Drinking the Cup
After firmly holding the cups of our lives and lifting them up as signs of hope for others, we have to drink them. Drinking our cups means fully appropriating and interiorizing what each of has acknowledged as our life, with all its unique sorrows and joys.
How do we drink our cups? We drink them as we listen in silence to the truth of our lives, as we speak in trust with friends about ways we want to grow, and as we act in deeds of service. Drinking our cups is following freely and courageously God's call and staying faithfully on the path that is ours. Thus our life cups become the cups of salvation. When we have emptied them to the bottom, God will fill them with "water" for eternal life.
Emptiness and Fullness
Emptiness and fullness at first seem complete opposites. But in the spiritual life they are not. In the spiritual life we find the fulfillment of our deepest desires by becoming empty for God.
We must empty the cups of our lives completely to be able to receive the fullness of life from God. Jesus lived this on the cross. The moment of complete emptiness and complete fullness become the same. When he had given all away to his Abba, his dear Father, he cried out, "It is fulfilled" (John 19:30). He who was lifted up on the cross was also lifted into the resurrection. He who had emptied and humbled himself was raised up and "given the name above all other names" (see Philippians 2:7-9). Let us keep listening to Jesus' question: "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22).
The Cup of Life
When the mother of James and John asks Jesus to give her sons a special place in his Kingdom, Jesus responds, "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22). "Can we drink the cup?" is the most challenging and radical question we can ask ourselves. The cup is the cup of life, full of sorrows and joys. Can we hold our cups and claim them as our own? Can we lift our cups to offer blessings to others, and can we drink our cups to the bottom as cups that bring us salvation?
Keeping this question alive in us is one of the most demanding spiritual exercises we can practice.
Holding the Cup
We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows.
Lifting the Cup
When we hold firm our cups of life, fully acknowledging their sorrows and joys, we will also be able to lift our cups in human solidarity. Lifting our cups means that we are not ashamed of what we are living, and this gesture encourages others to befriend their truths as we are trying to befriend ours. By lifting up our cups and saying to each other, "To life" or "To your health," we proclaim that we are willing to look truthfully at our lives together. Thus, we can become a community of people encouraging one another to fully drink the cups that have been given to us in the conviction that they will lead us to true fulfillment.
Drinking the Cup
After firmly holding the cups of our lives and lifting them up as signs of hope for others, we have to drink them. Drinking our cups means fully appropriating and interiorizing what each of has acknowledged as our life, with all its unique sorrows and joys.
How do we drink our cups? We drink them as we listen in silence to the truth of our lives, as we speak in trust with friends about ways we want to grow, and as we act in deeds of service. Drinking our cups is following freely and courageously God's call and staying faithfully on the path that is ours. Thus our life cups become the cups of salvation. When we have emptied them to the bottom, God will fill them with "water" for eternal life.
Emptiness and Fullness
Emptiness and fullness at first seem complete opposites. But in the spiritual life they are not. In the spiritual life we find the fulfillment of our deepest desires by becoming empty for God.
We must empty the cups of our lives completely to be able to receive the fullness of life from God. Jesus lived this on the cross. The moment of complete emptiness and complete fullness become the same. When he had given all away to his Abba, his dear Father, he cried out, "It is fulfilled" (John 19:30). He who was lifted up on the cross was also lifted into the resurrection. He who had emptied and humbled himself was raised up and "given the name above all other names" (see Philippians 2:7-9). Let us keep listening to Jesus' question: "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22).
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Switching It Up
I've spent part of the evening contemplating ways to find things I really love and enjoy again.
And ways to switch up my routine a little bit.
One of the things I came up with is audio books. I used to love listening to audio books. I'd play them all the time while I was cleaning, cooking, driving, taking the train, or whatever. That stopped somewhere along the way.
So, tonight, I went online, and, borrowing suggestions from two separate friends, purchased two audio books to listen to for the next little while.
One more serious, and one more lighthearted.
I've been needing lighthearted, and the more serious one comes rather highly (and perhaps pointedly) recommended.
I've been listening to a bit of the more lighthearted one, while I did some work online tonight, and quite thoroughly enjoying it. I'm sure at some point it'll become the subject for a future post.
And the more serious one I'll tackle sometime in the next few days. Maybe I'll go for a drive in the mountains on the weekend, and listen then. Or maybe I'll let the truths it contains play over me while I sleep at night (while of course planning to listen to it awake as well!)
And ways to switch up my routine a little bit.
One of the things I came up with is audio books. I used to love listening to audio books. I'd play them all the time while I was cleaning, cooking, driving, taking the train, or whatever. That stopped somewhere along the way.
So, tonight, I went online, and, borrowing suggestions from two separate friends, purchased two audio books to listen to for the next little while.
One more serious, and one more lighthearted.
I've been needing lighthearted, and the more serious one comes rather highly (and perhaps pointedly) recommended.
I've been listening to a bit of the more lighthearted one, while I did some work online tonight, and quite thoroughly enjoying it. I'm sure at some point it'll become the subject for a future post.
And the more serious one I'll tackle sometime in the next few days. Maybe I'll go for a drive in the mountains on the weekend, and listen then. Or maybe I'll let the truths it contains play over me while I sleep at night (while of course planning to listen to it awake as well!)
Quote for the Day
The calendar my friend gave me is still challenging me. Today, it's adding to the catharsis for my heart, serving as a reminder that this is really all I need to cling to.
"Christ alone is my life and my salvation." (Saint Agatha)
"Christ alone is my life and my salvation." (Saint Agatha)
Discombobulated Catharsis
I'm feeling a bit like my brain has taken leave of my body today. Discombobulated and scattered.
I was complaining about this fact to my roommate as I drove her to the train this morning, and she tried to encourage me by reminding me that if I can make it to Friday, this is a long weekend, and next week is a short work week. She laughed when I told her that work was the one thing I am consistently finding semi-enjoyable in life right now! Which should tell those of you who've been privy to some of the back story of my office politics and tensions for the last year just how much things have improved with the departure of a certain challenging coworker, and my assuming a new position and responsibilities at the office.
My body aches today. I've slept uncomfortably, tossing and turning for several straight nights, and my body is sore today from that. I also made the decision as my body heat fluctuated throughout the night last night that it is perhaps time to change the sheets on my bed from the flannel fall and winter ones to the soft cotton spring and summer set. So tonight, after work, and some errands, I'll go home and do that. Maybe it'll inspire a more restful sleep?
I spoke for a few hours on the phone with a dear friend last night. We ended up talking about some things I'd had no desire or plan to delve into. I'd had a rough few days and talking about those things was the last thing I really wanted to do. I was feeling sick of myself, and sick of feeling miserable, and exploring that was certainly not on my agenda. I wanted to hear about an upcoming trip she's making, and spend some time praying for her as she prepares to go. We talked about that, and prayed, true, but I wasn't prepared for the directions the rest of our conversation took. And I cried through much of it.
Which is probably partly why I'm feeling scattered and discombobulated this morning.
And yet, in some ways it was deeply cathartic too. She is one of the few people in my life who routinely invites tears. They seem to simply spill over when we talk or email, or spend time together in person. And perhaps, as my roommate (who'd seen the tears threatening on Sunday evening as we caught up on our weekends) was right in pointing out that I maybe needed to cry.
But I needed the sort of truth she spoke. The "pep talk" of sorts.
Because I've (to borrow a phrase my dad used back in his marathon running days) "hit the wall" with some of the changes I've been trying to implement in my life. The decisions designed to increase health and well-being. The initial drive to make them is gone, and the hard slogging has officially begun.
So I needed to hear her challenge to keep pushing towards those things. But also the grace and encouragment she offered.
So, today I'm existing in a state of discombobulate catharsis. And maybe that's okay too.
I was complaining about this fact to my roommate as I drove her to the train this morning, and she tried to encourage me by reminding me that if I can make it to Friday, this is a long weekend, and next week is a short work week. She laughed when I told her that work was the one thing I am consistently finding semi-enjoyable in life right now! Which should tell those of you who've been privy to some of the back story of my office politics and tensions for the last year just how much things have improved with the departure of a certain challenging coworker, and my assuming a new position and responsibilities at the office.
My body aches today. I've slept uncomfortably, tossing and turning for several straight nights, and my body is sore today from that. I also made the decision as my body heat fluctuated throughout the night last night that it is perhaps time to change the sheets on my bed from the flannel fall and winter ones to the soft cotton spring and summer set. So tonight, after work, and some errands, I'll go home and do that. Maybe it'll inspire a more restful sleep?
I spoke for a few hours on the phone with a dear friend last night. We ended up talking about some things I'd had no desire or plan to delve into. I'd had a rough few days and talking about those things was the last thing I really wanted to do. I was feeling sick of myself, and sick of feeling miserable, and exploring that was certainly not on my agenda. I wanted to hear about an upcoming trip she's making, and spend some time praying for her as she prepares to go. We talked about that, and prayed, true, but I wasn't prepared for the directions the rest of our conversation took. And I cried through much of it.
Which is probably partly why I'm feeling scattered and discombobulated this morning.
And yet, in some ways it was deeply cathartic too. She is one of the few people in my life who routinely invites tears. They seem to simply spill over when we talk or email, or spend time together in person. And perhaps, as my roommate (who'd seen the tears threatening on Sunday evening as we caught up on our weekends) was right in pointing out that I maybe needed to cry.
But I needed the sort of truth she spoke. The "pep talk" of sorts.
Because I've (to borrow a phrase my dad used back in his marathon running days) "hit the wall" with some of the changes I've been trying to implement in my life. The decisions designed to increase health and well-being. The initial drive to make them is gone, and the hard slogging has officially begun.
So I needed to hear her challenge to keep pushing towards those things. But also the grace and encouragment she offered.
So, today I'm existing in a state of discombobulate catharsis. And maybe that's okay too.
Sharing Freely
another great thought from Henri Nouwen
Sharing Freely Our Knowledge
Often we think that we do not know enough to be able to teach others. We might even become hesitant to tell others what we know, out of fear that we won't have anything left to say when we are asked for more.
This mind-set makes us anxious, secretive, possessive, and self-conscious. But when we have the courage to share generously with others all that we know, whenever they ask for it, we soon discover that we know a lot more than we thought. It is only by giving generously from the well of our knowledge that we discover how deep that well is.
Sharing Freely Our Knowledge
Often we think that we do not know enough to be able to teach others. We might even become hesitant to tell others what we know, out of fear that we won't have anything left to say when we are asked for more.
This mind-set makes us anxious, secretive, possessive, and self-conscious. But when we have the courage to share generously with others all that we know, whenever they ask for it, we soon discover that we know a lot more than we thought. It is only by giving generously from the well of our knowledge that we discover how deep that well is.
5 Words
I receive a daily email from John Fischer. On April 23rd, it caught at me deeply, and I thought I'd share it with all of you.
Five words
by John Fischer
I was reminded recently of a story I used to tell about a man who was the last to share in his prayer group. They were going around in a circle, giving their personal requests for prayer when they came to him and he took a deep breath and proceeded to relate some very ugly things he was going through in his life right then including some anger at God and a real sense of being depressed. He had wanted to avoid these painful things and unresolved issues and just focus on how good God is, but the reality and intensity of his present state of affairs prevented him from telling anything but the truth. When he finished, there was a long pause, and the man related to me how in that silence he had regretted for a moment revealing as much as he did. It was then that someone broke the silence with five very special words: "Can we go around again?"
Five words—that's all—but oh how important those five words are. Those five words say: You are not alone. If the rest of us had been as honest, we would all have equally challenging things to say. In fact, let's go around again so we can!
What good is so-called prayer time if we don't get down to it? Who are we touching if we are not allowing ourselves to be touched? Just remember, whatever it is that you are afraid to reveal… do it. It will only mean that you will have to go back around again for the sake of everybody else.
Five words
by John Fischer
I was reminded recently of a story I used to tell about a man who was the last to share in his prayer group. They were going around in a circle, giving their personal requests for prayer when they came to him and he took a deep breath and proceeded to relate some very ugly things he was going through in his life right then including some anger at God and a real sense of being depressed. He had wanted to avoid these painful things and unresolved issues and just focus on how good God is, but the reality and intensity of his present state of affairs prevented him from telling anything but the truth. When he finished, there was a long pause, and the man related to me how in that silence he had regretted for a moment revealing as much as he did. It was then that someone broke the silence with five very special words: "Can we go around again?"
Five words—that's all—but oh how important those five words are. Those five words say: You are not alone. If the rest of us had been as honest, we would all have equally challenging things to say. In fact, let's go around again so we can!
What good is so-called prayer time if we don't get down to it? Who are we touching if we are not allowing ourselves to be touched? Just remember, whatever it is that you are afraid to reveal… do it. It will only mean that you will have to go back around again for the sake of everybody else.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Reunited!
I picked up George from my parent's house after work tonight. They picked up George from our mechanic this afternoon.
I'm rather thrilled to have him back.
I'm even more thrilled that the damage to my pocketbook was something like half of what I'd thought I might end up paying.
And, all in all, it was a decent Monday. I did some interesting stuff at work - maintenance on the website, booking some hotel rooms and pulling together a new business card template for the company. I like the variety that my job offers these days. And I like that I'm finally getting to be a bit creative, and to use my brain!
Tonight I'm at home, hanging out, and catching up on some stuff on my "to do" list. So good. It's nice to have an evening where I have enough energy to do at least a little bit of stuff that needs doing.
I'm rather thrilled to have him back.
I'm even more thrilled that the damage to my pocketbook was something like half of what I'd thought I might end up paying.
And, all in all, it was a decent Monday. I did some interesting stuff at work - maintenance on the website, booking some hotel rooms and pulling together a new business card template for the company. I like the variety that my job offers these days. And I like that I'm finally getting to be a bit creative, and to use my brain!
Tonight I'm at home, hanging out, and catching up on some stuff on my "to do" list. So good. It's nice to have an evening where I have enough energy to do at least a little bit of stuff that needs doing.
Waking from Dreams
I woke probably every hour or two last night, but apparently I slept deeply enough between the many wakings to dream.
Some of the things I dreamt of last night:
Some of the things I dreamt of last night:
- a house under construction
- a house with an unstable foundation
- bulldozers
- a few relatives from my extended family
- bottles of wine
- feeling shy and uncertain
- a label clearly marking something as from Machu Picchu, Peru.
On Generosity and Scarcity
A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen...
God's Generosity
God is a god of abundance, not a god of scarcity. Jesus reveals to us God's abundance when he offers so much bread to the people that there are twelve large baskets with leftover scraps (see John 6:5-15), and when he makes his disciples catch so many fish that their boat nearly sinks (Luke 5:1-7). God doesn't give us just enough. God gives us more than enough: more bread and fish than we can eat, more love than we dared to ask for.
God is a generous giver, but we can only see and enjoy God's generosity when we love God with all of our hearts, minds, and strength. As long as we say, "I will love you, God, but first show me your generosity," we will remain distant from God and unable to experience what God truly wants to give us, which is life and life in abundance.
The Temptation to Hoard
As fearful people we are inclined to develop a mind-set that makes us say: "There's not enough food for everyone, so I better be sure I save enough for myself in case of emergency," or "There's not enough knowledge for everyone to enjoy; so I'd better keep my knowledge to myself, so no one else will use it" or "There's not enough love to give to everybody, so I'd better keep my friends for myself to prevent others from taking them away from me." This is a scarcity mentality. It involves hoarding whatever we have, fearful that we won't have enough to survive. The tragedy, however, is that what you cling to ends up rotting in your hands.
Seeing the Miracle of Multiplication
The opposite of a scarcity mentality is an abundancy mentality. With an abundancy mentality we say: "There is enough for everyone, more than enough: food, knowledge, love ... everything." With this mind-set we give away whatever we have, to whomever we meet. When we see hungry people we give them food. When we meet ignorant people we share our knowledge; when we encounter people in need of love, we offer them friendship and affection and hospitality and introduce them to our family and friends.
When we live with this mind-set, we will see the miracle that what we give away multiplies: food, knowledge, love ... everything. There will even be many leftovers.
God's Generosity
God is a god of abundance, not a god of scarcity. Jesus reveals to us God's abundance when he offers so much bread to the people that there are twelve large baskets with leftover scraps (see John 6:5-15), and when he makes his disciples catch so many fish that their boat nearly sinks (Luke 5:1-7). God doesn't give us just enough. God gives us more than enough: more bread and fish than we can eat, more love than we dared to ask for.
God is a generous giver, but we can only see and enjoy God's generosity when we love God with all of our hearts, minds, and strength. As long as we say, "I will love you, God, but first show me your generosity," we will remain distant from God and unable to experience what God truly wants to give us, which is life and life in abundance.
The Temptation to Hoard
As fearful people we are inclined to develop a mind-set that makes us say: "There's not enough food for everyone, so I better be sure I save enough for myself in case of emergency," or "There's not enough knowledge for everyone to enjoy; so I'd better keep my knowledge to myself, so no one else will use it" or "There's not enough love to give to everybody, so I'd better keep my friends for myself to prevent others from taking them away from me." This is a scarcity mentality. It involves hoarding whatever we have, fearful that we won't have enough to survive. The tragedy, however, is that what you cling to ends up rotting in your hands.
Seeing the Miracle of Multiplication
The opposite of a scarcity mentality is an abundancy mentality. With an abundancy mentality we say: "There is enough for everyone, more than enough: food, knowledge, love ... everything." With this mind-set we give away whatever we have, to whomever we meet. When we see hungry people we give them food. When we meet ignorant people we share our knowledge; when we encounter people in need of love, we offer them friendship and affection and hospitality and introduce them to our family and friends.
When we live with this mind-set, we will see the miracle that what we give away multiplies: food, knowledge, love ... everything. There will even be many leftovers.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
End of Day
The day is drawing to a close.
I was hoping to go to bed early tonight. But I took a nap late this afternoon that will likely preclude that.
I'm not feeling very well today. Physically anyway. Just kind of icky and lethargic.
And I have to be out the door really early tomorrow. Since George is still in the shop, it will necessitate taking the bus and then the train to work. I have not missed taking the bus and train, can I just say that? Not even a little bit. Ah well, hopefully I'll hear from my mechanic and have George back by the end of the day tomorrow.
I've done such fascinating things today as searching online to discover when our garbage collection day is. We're never home when the garbage collectors come by, and so we had no idea, but Calgary is putting in a recycling service, and it begins in my neighborhood this week, so I needed to know when garbage day is, so I know what day I have to put the big blue bin out in the back alley for pick up.
I really hadn't realized how housebound I must have been feeling before I got a car. My energy levels have been so low that doing errands by bus takes everything out of me. The short walk I made yesterday to a fair trade shop and home again left me exhausted and in need of a nap. It's no wonder I felt trapped so often before owning a car. I've struggled with that just this weekend, knowing I couldn't do some errands I'd hoped to get done, and knowing I'd have to push them to an evening during the week. And just feeling trapped, unable to go out and pick up a cup of tea or rent a movie, or browse a bookstore for a little escape from the mundane.
Here's hoping that George is repaired soon. Very soon.
I was hoping to go to bed early tonight. But I took a nap late this afternoon that will likely preclude that.
I'm not feeling very well today. Physically anyway. Just kind of icky and lethargic.
And I have to be out the door really early tomorrow. Since George is still in the shop, it will necessitate taking the bus and then the train to work. I have not missed taking the bus and train, can I just say that? Not even a little bit. Ah well, hopefully I'll hear from my mechanic and have George back by the end of the day tomorrow.
I've done such fascinating things today as searching online to discover when our garbage collection day is. We're never home when the garbage collectors come by, and so we had no idea, but Calgary is putting in a recycling service, and it begins in my neighborhood this week, so I needed to know when garbage day is, so I know what day I have to put the big blue bin out in the back alley for pick up.
I really hadn't realized how housebound I must have been feeling before I got a car. My energy levels have been so low that doing errands by bus takes everything out of me. The short walk I made yesterday to a fair trade shop and home again left me exhausted and in need of a nap. It's no wonder I felt trapped so often before owning a car. I've struggled with that just this weekend, knowing I couldn't do some errands I'd hoped to get done, and knowing I'd have to push them to an evening during the week. And just feeling trapped, unable to go out and pick up a cup of tea or rent a movie, or browse a bookstore for a little escape from the mundane.
Here's hoping that George is repaired soon. Very soon.
Sunday
It's Sunday morning again.
When I woke this morning, I had a severe headache and stiff back, neck and shoulders. I got up just long enough to take painkillers, and then went back to bed to wait for them to become effective. The combination of the painkillers and a hot shower once the drugs had kicked in seems to be working, and I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I'll make sure to stay well hydrated through the day, and hopefully keep the headache at bay via that method.
I'm sitting in the kitchen, near the patio doors, and paused just a moment ago when a robin landed on the deck railing, and preened before flying off. It finally feels a bit like spring here. Finally.
It's Mother's Day today, and in a few hours my brother will come to pick me up, and we'll have lunch together with our mom and grandma and family. Dad is barbecuing steaks, and there is other tasty food planned as well. I still need to write a card for my mom. I bought the card, but I need to put a message into it.
I actually feel like reading this morning, or working at least a little on a creative project, so I think I'm off to do those things.
Happy Mother's Day!
When I woke this morning, I had a severe headache and stiff back, neck and shoulders. I got up just long enough to take painkillers, and then went back to bed to wait for them to become effective. The combination of the painkillers and a hot shower once the drugs had kicked in seems to be working, and I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I'll make sure to stay well hydrated through the day, and hopefully keep the headache at bay via that method.
I'm sitting in the kitchen, near the patio doors, and paused just a moment ago when a robin landed on the deck railing, and preened before flying off. It finally feels a bit like spring here. Finally.
It's Mother's Day today, and in a few hours my brother will come to pick me up, and we'll have lunch together with our mom and grandma and family. Dad is barbecuing steaks, and there is other tasty food planned as well. I still need to write a card for my mom. I bought the card, but I need to put a message into it.
I actually feel like reading this morning, or working at least a little on a creative project, so I think I'm off to do those things.
Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Saturday Night Smile List
I feel the encroachment of the mid-evening slump I've struggled with lately. That part of the evening when it's not quite bed time, but you've lost motivation to truly do anything else. That part of the evening where I start feeling lonely, and and restless, and sometimes unloved.
I wondered upon waking this morning, and finding last evening's mid-evening slump still present if tonight would be one of those nights where it would come on hard and fast.
And now, as I feel it making it's presence known, I grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen table. A piece of paper from the pad on which we usually make grocery lists. But, instead of a grocery list, off and on all day today I've been jotting items for a "smile list" on it.
Because those of you who've hung around my blog for a while will know that when I'm really low, I'll try to write a smile list. A list of things I'm thankful for, or things I'm loving - things that are making me smile. Because they've apparently done studies that show that making this sort of list has the same effect on your brain chemistry as taking a mild anti-depressant. Plus, it just makes you feel better to think about the things that bring smiles, instead of the things that are bringing on the slump.
So, here, in all it's glory, is the smile list I've been keeping today:
I wondered upon waking this morning, and finding last evening's mid-evening slump still present if tonight would be one of those nights where it would come on hard and fast.
And now, as I feel it making it's presence known, I grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen table. A piece of paper from the pad on which we usually make grocery lists. But, instead of a grocery list, off and on all day today I've been jotting items for a "smile list" on it.
Because those of you who've hung around my blog for a while will know that when I'm really low, I'll try to write a smile list. A list of things I'm thankful for, or things I'm loving - things that are making me smile. Because they've apparently done studies that show that making this sort of list has the same effect on your brain chemistry as taking a mild anti-depressant. Plus, it just makes you feel better to think about the things that bring smiles, instead of the things that are bringing on the slump.
So, here, in all it's glory, is the smile list I've been keeping today:
- the trees outside my bedroom window finally developing green buds that promise leaves
- a fresh, ripe mango for breakfast
- Ingrid Michaelson's song "Keep Breathing"
- the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy
- a walk this morning with a mostly blank mind. focusing on the birds singing - sparrows, starlings, and sometimes the "cawing" of crows. listening to the rhythmic slap of my own footsteps against the pavement. the rich, earthy smell of decaying seed pods, wet from the rain and rotting on the sidewalk and grass.
- the scent of peanut butter bars (complete with secret ingredient goodness!) baking
- coconut body butter
- a pretty new necklace purchase (fairly traded, and from India!)
- sitting wrapped in a favorite blanket
- an afternoon nap
- a great deal on a cute sweater for work
- crossing things off my "to do" list
- a really comfortable pillow
- favorite sweat pants
Swallowing Pills
Swallowing pills is a big part of my life these days, as with the variety of supplements and medications I'm taking to restore my health and energy, I'm swallowing somewhere around 15 pills a day.
There isn't a meal that goes by where pill swallowing isn't a part, and I was taking my luncheon batch of vitamins just now, I remembered that I had a few different pill swallowing anecdotes to share.
I have a rather distinctive method for swallowing pills. I have a rather sensitive gag reflex, and have often had trouble managing to get the pills down. I think this springs from being quite sick, quite often as a child, and from the many antibiotics that I'm allergic to, which would only be discovered when, after managing to swallow them, I'd immediately begin throwing up, and a day later would break out in a lovely rash. Benadryl was a good friend of mine through those years!
So, I put the water in my mouth first, add the pill, and then toss my head back and swallow. I can't get them down without the head toss.
My roommate L., hates watching me take pills. She tells me that everytime I throw my head back she thinks I'm going to snap my neck! This has been the source of much supper-time debate and laughter for us the last few weeks, since the vitamin regimen greatly increased.
Last night, before the whole debacle with George, I stopped at a local mall food court to pick up some supper so that I could stick to my food and vitamin regimen. I purchased a meal, and found a table to sit and eat it quickly. After fumbling through my purse and finding my little container of vitamins, I grabbed my water bottle and began the process of swallowing the five or so pills that go with supper in my world.
At the table across from me, a young woman was sitting with her son. She was talking on her cell phone, and he was people watching and crying. When I sat down he focused in on me. He was probably between a year and two years old, and his face had the scabs of the mishaps of one who was still mastering the whole walking thing. He watched in fascination as I began taking my pills, flipping my head back each time. Finally, after I finished swallowing one of them, he stared straight at me, and then snapped his own head back in imitation. His mom looked up from her cell phone conversation, and we both cracked up at his very cute imitation of me.
I chuckle even now, remembering, and will probably smile to myself every time I take pills for the next while.
There isn't a meal that goes by where pill swallowing isn't a part, and I was taking my luncheon batch of vitamins just now, I remembered that I had a few different pill swallowing anecdotes to share.
I have a rather distinctive method for swallowing pills. I have a rather sensitive gag reflex, and have often had trouble managing to get the pills down. I think this springs from being quite sick, quite often as a child, and from the many antibiotics that I'm allergic to, which would only be discovered when, after managing to swallow them, I'd immediately begin throwing up, and a day later would break out in a lovely rash. Benadryl was a good friend of mine through those years!
So, I put the water in my mouth first, add the pill, and then toss my head back and swallow. I can't get them down without the head toss.
My roommate L., hates watching me take pills. She tells me that everytime I throw my head back she thinks I'm going to snap my neck! This has been the source of much supper-time debate and laughter for us the last few weeks, since the vitamin regimen greatly increased.
Last night, before the whole debacle with George, I stopped at a local mall food court to pick up some supper so that I could stick to my food and vitamin regimen. I purchased a meal, and found a table to sit and eat it quickly. After fumbling through my purse and finding my little container of vitamins, I grabbed my water bottle and began the process of swallowing the five or so pills that go with supper in my world.
At the table across from me, a young woman was sitting with her son. She was talking on her cell phone, and he was people watching and crying. When I sat down he focused in on me. He was probably between a year and two years old, and his face had the scabs of the mishaps of one who was still mastering the whole walking thing. He watched in fascination as I began taking my pills, flipping my head back each time. Finally, after I finished swallowing one of them, he stared straight at me, and then snapped his own head back in imitation. His mom looked up from her cell phone conversation, and we both cracked up at his very cute imitation of me.
I chuckle even now, remembering, and will probably smile to myself every time I take pills for the next while.
Saturday Morning
Isn't it funny how we don't really think about things we've got planned until we can't have them?
I wasn't really planning to go anywhere special today, but I was in some ways looking forward to getting out of the house on my own for a bit. Maybe the farmer's market, or a craft shop. Maybe the little Catholic bookstore nearby. I needed to get a few groceries for work, and a few for myself. And something to cook for Mother's Day tomorrow. And I'd promised myself New York Fries with gravy.
But I was pretty much planning to spend the day at home. Curled up in the living room, working on creative projects and watching copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy. Exploring a writing project that appeared in my brain the other night.
But now, since George is "at the hospital", I'm stranded. I'm laying here in bed, as usual awake way too early for a Saturday morning (I've been awake off and on for the last two hours already), and contemplating how to fill the long hours of the day. I'm staring at the grey skies that I can see around the corner of my blinds and wondering if it's going to rain again today. And I'm contemplating my energy levels. I could catch the bus and go to the Catholic bookstore, or, if I was really ambitious, even to the farmer's market. I could make the 20 minute walk to the mall and get my french fries, or the 2o minute walk in the other direction to Ten Thousand Villages and browse the international items that are fairly traded on World Fair Trade Day. I could attempt the 40 minute walk down towards the grocery store, and carry the items I need home.
But I'll be honest and say that my energy is already feeling pretty limited, and I haven't gotten out of bed yet.
I'll probably do a bit of baking and a bit of cleaning. I will work on some creative projects (though I'm definitely lacking in inspriration at the moment.)
I'll eat three meals today and take lots of vitamins (because those two things are a big part of my life right now.)
I'll read a bit, and journal in a crazy, random color, because that's what I do these days to break the mold and keep journalling as something that feels okay. I use colors and convince myself that it doesn't have to be a regimented thing (and then I miss the monochromatic uniformity of my previous journaling system that involved red and black ink.)
I'll wait for the mechanic to call and tell me what the damage on George is, and I'll try not to think about the fact that if the costs are high, I'll probably kiss goodbye the plans to get the red and blond highlights that I love put back in my hair. I'll also try not to think about the fact that I've spent large amounts of money this spring keeping George in running order, money that I was hoping would be used to pay down some debts.
I might call a place I discovered that does affordable massages that are covered by insurance and schedule a massage for next weekend sometime. Because I have massage coverage through my work benefits, and I could use a nice long massage.
I'll remember to be greatful that I have a good job that these days I'm enjoying, with a steady income. That I just got a decent raise, thanks to my new job, and that though my debt reduction plan hasn't worked so well this spring, my debt is slowly getting lower, and I do have the money to pay for repairs to George right now, which means this being stranded thing will only last for a couple of days instead of weeks or months. And I'll remember to be grateful that I have health benefits that cover things like the occasional massage!
I'll revist my budget, because it's time for me to start paying more attention to things like how I spend my money.
I'll reward myself with some good baking, and really great chocolate that I found the other day.
I'll eat this yummy leftover pasta we made the other night (turkey with farfalle, pinenuts & spinach) at some point, and maybe have a grilled cheese sandwich too!
I'll do something creative, even if I'm not really feeling it.
And I'll probably clean the house, or maybe go through my closet and pare down, and simplify a bit.
I'll likely write an email or two, a mother's day card or two or three, play a game online for a while, and maybe even play music loudly and dance around my house.
Okay, so I'm probably still too inhibited to really dance around my house, but I will play some music loudly while I clean or something!
And with all of that decided, I think I'm going to get out of bed!
I wasn't really planning to go anywhere special today, but I was in some ways looking forward to getting out of the house on my own for a bit. Maybe the farmer's market, or a craft shop. Maybe the little Catholic bookstore nearby. I needed to get a few groceries for work, and a few for myself. And something to cook for Mother's Day tomorrow. And I'd promised myself New York Fries with gravy.
But I was pretty much planning to spend the day at home. Curled up in the living room, working on creative projects and watching copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy. Exploring a writing project that appeared in my brain the other night.
But now, since George is "at the hospital", I'm stranded. I'm laying here in bed, as usual awake way too early for a Saturday morning (I've been awake off and on for the last two hours already), and contemplating how to fill the long hours of the day. I'm staring at the grey skies that I can see around the corner of my blinds and wondering if it's going to rain again today. And I'm contemplating my energy levels. I could catch the bus and go to the Catholic bookstore, or, if I was really ambitious, even to the farmer's market. I could make the 20 minute walk to the mall and get my french fries, or the 2o minute walk in the other direction to Ten Thousand Villages and browse the international items that are fairly traded on World Fair Trade Day. I could attempt the 40 minute walk down towards the grocery store, and carry the items I need home.
But I'll be honest and say that my energy is already feeling pretty limited, and I haven't gotten out of bed yet.
I'll probably do a bit of baking and a bit of cleaning. I will work on some creative projects (though I'm definitely lacking in inspriration at the moment.)
I'll eat three meals today and take lots of vitamins (because those two things are a big part of my life right now.)
I'll read a bit, and journal in a crazy, random color, because that's what I do these days to break the mold and keep journalling as something that feels okay. I use colors and convince myself that it doesn't have to be a regimented thing (and then I miss the monochromatic uniformity of my previous journaling system that involved red and black ink.)
I'll wait for the mechanic to call and tell me what the damage on George is, and I'll try not to think about the fact that if the costs are high, I'll probably kiss goodbye the plans to get the red and blond highlights that I love put back in my hair. I'll also try not to think about the fact that I've spent large amounts of money this spring keeping George in running order, money that I was hoping would be used to pay down some debts.
I might call a place I discovered that does affordable massages that are covered by insurance and schedule a massage for next weekend sometime. Because I have massage coverage through my work benefits, and I could use a nice long massage.
I'll remember to be greatful that I have a good job that these days I'm enjoying, with a steady income. That I just got a decent raise, thanks to my new job, and that though my debt reduction plan hasn't worked so well this spring, my debt is slowly getting lower, and I do have the money to pay for repairs to George right now, which means this being stranded thing will only last for a couple of days instead of weeks or months. And I'll remember to be grateful that I have health benefits that cover things like the occasional massage!
I'll revist my budget, because it's time for me to start paying more attention to things like how I spend my money.
I'll reward myself with some good baking, and really great chocolate that I found the other day.
I'll eat this yummy leftover pasta we made the other night (turkey with farfalle, pinenuts & spinach) at some point, and maybe have a grilled cheese sandwich too!
I'll do something creative, even if I'm not really feeling it.
And I'll probably clean the house, or maybe go through my closet and pare down, and simplify a bit.
I'll likely write an email or two, a mother's day card or two or three, play a game online for a while, and maybe even play music loudly and dance around my house.
Okay, so I'm probably still too inhibited to really dance around my house, but I will play some music loudly while I clean or something!
And with all of that decided, I think I'm going to get out of bed!
Friday, May 08, 2009
Not What I'd Planned...
A number of months ago I wrote a post titled "Did I shave my legs for this?"
I talked in it about the moments when you're totally prepared for something, and then something else completely is what ends up happening.
I had a "did I shave my legs for this" sort of evening tonight.
I didn't actually shave my legs, but I did shower, get dressed up, wear high heels, style my hair, pick out great jewelry, and even put on makeup (I don't even usually wear makeup to work so you know it was a big deal!)
I was planning to attend an AIDS awareness fundraiser put on by MCC Alberta. I was a bit apprehensive about going solo, but was quite looking forward to hearing the two people who were scheduled to speak.
I made it to about a block from the event, when with a rattle and a clunk of sorts, George decided that movement was just not in his plans for the rest of the night.
So, I called my dad.
He, fortunately, was home, and came to rescue me. After ascertaining that what was wrong was what he'd anticipated from what I'd described over the phone, I called AMA to send a tow truck, and we settled in to wait.
Time with my dad can be hard at times. We are in many ways very similar, but I've struggled a lot with our relationship over the years. It has seemed in the last few months as if Jesus was perhaps bringing healing in our relationship in really unexpected ways. Tonight was part of that I think.
We had a great conversation while we waited for the tow truck to arrive. We basically just caught up on what's been going on in my life. How my job change has been going. An ongoing crazy situation related to my job change. And we talked a bit of faith and theology, because of the event I'd been planning to attend when George gave out, and because of some intense conversations I've had with various people this week.
I had fun.
It was totally not how I planned or thought I'd spend the evening, but it was good. Jesus was gracious in how I spent the evening.
The evening did, however, end with the news that George requires at the very least a new water pump and a serpentine pulley (what is it with me and things that are somehow related to snakes???). So, I'll be spending money on him again, and likely taking the bus to work on Monday.
Ah well. Dad dropped me at home, and I'm curled up in bed, snacking on crackers and hummus, blackberries, smoked gouda, and chocolate. And sipping a mug of lemon mango fruit infusion loose tea. I'm relaxed and warm, and have plans to enjoy a day at home tomorrow, since I'm without a vehicle.
And, I can say that God was gracious, and George waited to die until I was on a quiet street instead of the major roads I'd been traveling on only moments earlier.
So, it was a "did I shave my legs for this?" evening, but it was great in so many ways as well, and I'm thankful for it.
I talked in it about the moments when you're totally prepared for something, and then something else completely is what ends up happening.
I had a "did I shave my legs for this" sort of evening tonight.
I didn't actually shave my legs, but I did shower, get dressed up, wear high heels, style my hair, pick out great jewelry, and even put on makeup (I don't even usually wear makeup to work so you know it was a big deal!)
I was planning to attend an AIDS awareness fundraiser put on by MCC Alberta. I was a bit apprehensive about going solo, but was quite looking forward to hearing the two people who were scheduled to speak.
I made it to about a block from the event, when with a rattle and a clunk of sorts, George decided that movement was just not in his plans for the rest of the night.
So, I called my dad.
He, fortunately, was home, and came to rescue me. After ascertaining that what was wrong was what he'd anticipated from what I'd described over the phone, I called AMA to send a tow truck, and we settled in to wait.
Time with my dad can be hard at times. We are in many ways very similar, but I've struggled a lot with our relationship over the years. It has seemed in the last few months as if Jesus was perhaps bringing healing in our relationship in really unexpected ways. Tonight was part of that I think.
We had a great conversation while we waited for the tow truck to arrive. We basically just caught up on what's been going on in my life. How my job change has been going. An ongoing crazy situation related to my job change. And we talked a bit of faith and theology, because of the event I'd been planning to attend when George gave out, and because of some intense conversations I've had with various people this week.
I had fun.
It was totally not how I planned or thought I'd spend the evening, but it was good. Jesus was gracious in how I spent the evening.
The evening did, however, end with the news that George requires at the very least a new water pump and a serpentine pulley (what is it with me and things that are somehow related to snakes???). So, I'll be spending money on him again, and likely taking the bus to work on Monday.
Ah well. Dad dropped me at home, and I'm curled up in bed, snacking on crackers and hummus, blackberries, smoked gouda, and chocolate. And sipping a mug of lemon mango fruit infusion loose tea. I'm relaxed and warm, and have plans to enjoy a day at home tomorrow, since I'm without a vehicle.
And, I can say that God was gracious, and George waited to die until I was on a quiet street instead of the major roads I'd been traveling on only moments earlier.
So, it was a "did I shave my legs for this?" evening, but it was great in so many ways as well, and I'm thankful for it.
Receiving Love
I've been listening to this song on repeat in the mornings as I drive to work this week.
And I've been thinking a lot about the ability to give and receive love.
This morning two thoughts occurred to me that I will need to ponder more deeply, and that I'd love to hear your thoughts on.
For me personally, it's far easier to give love than to receive it. And of course, that verse came to mind, the one where it talks about "it's better to give than receive."
But I wonder if that isn't a sort of Christian guilt thing that we develop? A mentality that says it's okay to feel and be unloved, as long as we are loving others?
And I think about all those other lines, that talk about the love of Jesus, and talk about being filled to overflowing, and I think that somewhere along the lines, we've tricked something out of the importance of receiving love.
Because unless you can receive it, how can you truly give it?
Friday!
It's Friday!
Wearing jeans to work day.
Subway lunch with a colleague day.
Evening to myself day. Well, actually, since I have the house to myself for the whole weekend this weekend, I think tonight I'm going to attend this event.
And, I have fun plans for filling my time in my nice quiet house this weekend!
Plans involving reading and writing, and creativity. And copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy.
Wearing jeans to work day.
Subway lunch with a colleague day.
Evening to myself day. Well, actually, since I have the house to myself for the whole weekend this weekend, I think tonight I'm going to attend this event.
And, I have fun plans for filling my time in my nice quiet house this weekend!
Plans involving reading and writing, and creativity. And copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy.
Henri on friends and community...
I've had a backlog of Henri Nouwen quotes sitting in my email inbox, waiting to be shared. Which is, of course, why you might have noticed a large quantity of them over the course of this week!
Here are some great thoughts on friends and friendship...
Friends and Their Limitations
We need friends. Friends guide us, care for us, confront us in love, console us in times of pain. Although we speak of "making friends," friends cannot be made. Friends are free gifts from God. But God gives us the friends we need when we need them if we fully trust in God's love.
Friends cannot replace God. They have limitations and weaknesses like we have. Their love is never faultless, never complete. But in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey towards the unlimited and unconditional love of God. Let's enjoy the friends whom God has sent on our way.
Friends and Their Unique Gifts
No two friends are the same. Each has his or her own gift for us. When we expect one friend to have all we need, we will always be hypercritical, never completely happy with what he or she does have.
One friend may offer us affection, another may stimulate our minds, another may strengthen our souls. The more able we are to receive the different gifts our friends have to give us, the more able we will be to offer our own unique but limited gifts. Thus, friendships create a beautiful tapestry of love.
The Mosaic That Shows Us the Face of God
A mosaic consists of thousands of little stones. Some are blue, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold. When we bring our faces close to the mosaic, we can admire the beauty of each stone. But as we step back from it, we can see that all these little stones reveal to us a beautiful picture, telling a story none of these stones can tell by itself.
That is what our life in community is about. Each of us is like a little stone, but together we reveal the face of God to the world. Nobody can say: "I make God visible." But others who see us together can say: "They make God visible." Community is where humility and glory touch.
Signposts on the Way to God
How do we know about God's love, God's generosity, God's kindness, God's forgiveness? Through our parents, our friends, our teachers, our pastors, our spouses, our children ... they all reveal God to us. But as we come to know them, we realise that each of them can reveal only a little bit of God. God's love is greater than theirs; God's goodness is greater than theirs; God's beauty is greater than theirs.
At first we may be disappointed in these people in our lives. For a while we thought that they would be able to give us all the love, goodness, and beauty we needed. But gradually we discover that they were all signposts on the way to God.
Here are some great thoughts on friends and friendship...
Friends and Their Limitations
We need friends. Friends guide us, care for us, confront us in love, console us in times of pain. Although we speak of "making friends," friends cannot be made. Friends are free gifts from God. But God gives us the friends we need when we need them if we fully trust in God's love.
Friends cannot replace God. They have limitations and weaknesses like we have. Their love is never faultless, never complete. But in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey towards the unlimited and unconditional love of God. Let's enjoy the friends whom God has sent on our way.
Friends and Their Unique Gifts
No two friends are the same. Each has his or her own gift for us. When we expect one friend to have all we need, we will always be hypercritical, never completely happy with what he or she does have.
One friend may offer us affection, another may stimulate our minds, another may strengthen our souls. The more able we are to receive the different gifts our friends have to give us, the more able we will be to offer our own unique but limited gifts. Thus, friendships create a beautiful tapestry of love.
The Mosaic That Shows Us the Face of God
A mosaic consists of thousands of little stones. Some are blue, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold. When we bring our faces close to the mosaic, we can admire the beauty of each stone. But as we step back from it, we can see that all these little stones reveal to us a beautiful picture, telling a story none of these stones can tell by itself.
That is what our life in community is about. Each of us is like a little stone, but together we reveal the face of God to the world. Nobody can say: "I make God visible." But others who see us together can say: "They make God visible." Community is where humility and glory touch.
Signposts on the Way to God
How do we know about God's love, God's generosity, God's kindness, God's forgiveness? Through our parents, our friends, our teachers, our pastors, our spouses, our children ... they all reveal God to us. But as we come to know them, we realise that each of them can reveal only a little bit of God. God's love is greater than theirs; God's goodness is greater than theirs; God's beauty is greater than theirs.
At first we may be disappointed in these people in our lives. For a while we thought that they would be able to give us all the love, goodness, and beauty we needed. But gradually we discover that they were all signposts on the way to God.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Unstable Ground
It's been a quiet evening.
Finally.
I've needed one all week.
I've been exhausted and I was starting to see the strain show up physically again.
So I declared tonight to be a night about resting. And restoration.
I took a bath, and watched a dvd in the tub. I pampered myself with a blue corn face mask, and coconut body scrub (both from The Body Shop).
I putzed around on the computer for awhile, playing a game, doing the facebook thing, avoiding what I really needed to do.
What I really needed to do was spend some time with my journal. It's been a full week, and there's lots to process, but there was one specific thing on my mind that I needed to write out.
I finally quit avoiding and wrote it out, and as usual, when I've been avoiding something, the direction it ended up taking me was surprising.
I ended up back at unstable ground.
It's kind of been a theme for the last year and a bit.
It stems from a deeply personal moment in a field on another continent. A story that doesn't fit here just yet. A share over tea or in an email or phone call with a friend kind of story. A dreams coming alive sort of moment.
And it's repeated ever since, in the oddest of moments.
There is something about standing on unstable ground.
Literally and figuratively.
And learning to trust amidst the instability.
Being able to open my hands, or willing to kneel - to let myself fall to my knees.
To say, "even this on which I depend, I offer back to You and choose to trust You with."
I'm not very good at it. But I'm learning. Through repetition. And lots of falling and failing.
But maybe, sometimes, that's the best way to learn. And falling seems to come with the territory when you're dealing with unstable ground.
And so, even in this, I choose to trust.
Finally.
I've needed one all week.
I've been exhausted and I was starting to see the strain show up physically again.
So I declared tonight to be a night about resting. And restoration.
I took a bath, and watched a dvd in the tub. I pampered myself with a blue corn face mask, and coconut body scrub (both from The Body Shop).
I putzed around on the computer for awhile, playing a game, doing the facebook thing, avoiding what I really needed to do.
What I really needed to do was spend some time with my journal. It's been a full week, and there's lots to process, but there was one specific thing on my mind that I needed to write out.
I finally quit avoiding and wrote it out, and as usual, when I've been avoiding something, the direction it ended up taking me was surprising.
I ended up back at unstable ground.
It's kind of been a theme for the last year and a bit.
It stems from a deeply personal moment in a field on another continent. A story that doesn't fit here just yet. A share over tea or in an email or phone call with a friend kind of story. A dreams coming alive sort of moment.
And it's repeated ever since, in the oddest of moments.
There is something about standing on unstable ground.
Literally and figuratively.
And learning to trust amidst the instability.
Being able to open my hands, or willing to kneel - to let myself fall to my knees.
To say, "even this on which I depend, I offer back to You and choose to trust You with."
I'm not very good at it. But I'm learning. Through repetition. And lots of falling and failing.
But maybe, sometimes, that's the best way to learn. And falling seems to come with the territory when you're dealing with unstable ground.
And so, even in this, I choose to trust.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
