Matching Moods with the Weather

I was thinking this morning as I padded out to the kitchen in my bare feet and pygamas and stood looking out the window and eating a cookie for breakfast that the weather we've had in Calgary lately has suited the mood I've been in since returning from Mexico remarkably well. The weather has been drizzly and melancholy. On Saturday, when I felt a breakthrough moment, and knew how I was going to address something that had until that moment been unclear, it was clear, and even kind of warm. On Sunday night, when I sat in a restaurant until nearly 1am and talked with friends, then left more confused and frustrated than ever, it rained heavily as I drove home.

And the weather this morning is no exception. I had some more conversations last night, and walked away frustrated, confused, and maybe even angry. I had tried so hard to communicate what I've been thinking and feeling lately, and as much as my friends tried to listen, it felt that we were in separate spaces, seeing and hearing, but going past each other without understanding. Ships in the night is the phrase that comes to mind.

As I lay in bed and waited for sleep to claim me, I cried out yet again to God for clarity. And then I did something that still feels dangerous to me - I invited Him to give me dreams - to speak to me in my sleep if He wanted. Now, I have friends who have and cherish an active dream life - I don't. Too many years of horrific nightmares - the kind where you wake up and can't breathe, and you wonder why your bed is shaking, and then realize it's because your whole body is trembling from the fear. So, you know how desperate I'm feeling if I ask God to speak in my dreams.

What are the chances that I prayed that prayer, and then dreamt for the first time in a couple of weeks, that that dream is not something I need to pay attention to? Because I did dream, and it feels somewhat significant, but it was kind of scary too. There were definite fear emotions attached. And here's the thing - if that was God speaking, shouldn't it make sense to me? Because it was an odd dream, with things that must have been symbolic, and I have no idea what the symbols would have represented.

So I stood looking out the kitchen window this morning, feeling kind of unsettled, confused and tired, and the grayness of the morning, the low sitting clouds, the drizzling rain matched my mood once again.