No title to wrap it into a neat little bow

This is bound to be one of those slightly more random entries that I'm famous for.

I want to start with an anonymous quote I found on Cameron Conant's blog today. I thought it was particularly interesting: "Why do we hide our poor and kill our prophets?" This, I think, is a really good question, though I admit that it touches raw nerves in my mind - things opened and unresolved from a variety of conversations over the past weeks.

This has been an odd week thus far, filled with things that cannot be said in this public forum, because it will not protect those that I am caring for. I am learning about all kinds of unique crises, and have spent at least some time researching on the internet or reading psychology textbooks for insights into my next steps.

I am frustrated this week with how very little it seems to matter that I am pouring so much of my life and energy into some of these women. Two steps forward and seventeen steps back. And I wonder where precisely God sees this as useful, healthy or good. But he hasn't given me permission to step back. So I'm still here.

I'm wrestling with a sense of betrayal and deception this week, as things have come to light. Things that I was deliberately deceived about. I'm wondering where to draw the lines of friendship, because I desperately want to treat this woman as a friend, but am ever aware of the fact that she does not respond in kind - her response is grasping and laden with drama. I'm tired of the drama, but cannot allow this friend to slip from a category of friend to a category of "ministry." If our relationship becomes nothing but "ministry" then I will begin to resent the weight it places upon me, and I will begin to resent God for placing that weight on my shoulders. It is acceptable to pour the time and energy that I have given into a friendship, and for my own sanity I must continue to class this as friendship.

I'm leaving soon on a mission trip to Mexico with my church and YWAM here in the city - we leave in about a month. It will be the first "mission" trip that I've made. For those of you who have been reading here for a while, you know that I struggle with fears. The reality that I'm actually making this trip came home to roost yesterday, and I can feel the onslaught of fear attached to that. I particularly struggle with fear of the unfamiliar - my already disturbed sleeping patterns get far worse when I'm not in my own bed - I lose sleep even over spending the night at a good friend's home, or at a hotel for a vacation or retreat. I fear new situations with people, and meeting new people - and there will be a lot of both. I feel increasingly inadequate as a human being - like I have very little to offer. I'm nervous about travelling across the continent for 10 days or so with a group of people that I've mostly never met before (although I'm thankful that some very good friends are going). I'm also concerned that I will be able to afford the trip, as my hours have been cut at work for the next month. I guess I mention it because it very suddenly became real yesterday - I am actually doing this. The fear can get out of control quickly - anxiety attacks, particularly at night are not uncommon. I have fairly successfully fought this battle at times, but it has intensified of late as I've walked into a greater number of new and uncomfortable situations both personally and in the lives of the people I'm caring for. Pray for me as I battle these fears over the next while. They are not new, and I would love to see breakthrough in this area.

Last night was somewhat sleepless. But then, that hasn't been all that unusual lately.

And with all that said, I'm off to dress for work and head out. It will take longer to get there today because an awful lot of snow fell overnight.