Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 41

Today's Daily 5:
(for an introduction to the Daily 5 Lists, click here)

1. A sense of clarity that came waking from dreams this morning, as a scripture came back.  Ironically, it's a scripture I've rather hated, one that's been tossed at me as a sort of weapon through the years.  But this morning, as I woke from hard dreams, it brought clarity, and just a little bit of hope, and for that I was thankful.
2. Crepes for breakfast at a local cafe/bakery
3. An honest conversation with a friend.  Not one that was easy, but the response was encouraging, and there was lots of laughter, and some girl talk fit in around the big stuff in our lives that also needed discussing.
4. Looking forward to ways the house church I'm a part of is developing and will develop in the coming weeks and months
5. A really productive afternoon blog-wise, getting a bunch of posts written and scheduled for the future
6. a treatment from mom that helped ease some muscles that were aching badly after waking so tensely and suddenly this morning
7. knowing that my supplements are starting to kick back in and I'm going to start feeling better
8. A steak dinner out with my parents, both siblings, my sister-in-law, my brother's girlfriend, and my aunt.  Time out like that with my family is not always super enjoyable, but tonight, at that restaurant, I enjoyed being with them, and being treated to a really nice meal.

"You're Just Going to Stay" (California Part 2)

For nearly as long as we've been corresponding, Lisa has been trying to convince me that the "other CA - the state, not the country" is the place to be.  And, I'll admit, the lack of snow is definitely a selling feature.

Upon arrival, she immediately set out to convert me, with a complete lack of subtlety that was absolutely hilarious.  She basically told me I wasn't going home, I'd just have to move there, and how could I possibly be in San Diego and not fall in love with the place?  That said, her zeal for conversion (and how well she'd gotten to know me via all those years of blog posts and emails and facebook) made her an excellent tour guide!

Food was the one highlight I didn't take any photos of, but lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory made me a convert to Mizithra cheese (turns out that this is a CA delicacy that I can repeat simply by going to downtown Calgary!)  Steak dinner at the Boathouse, and Godiva chocolate cheesecake that we shared over the course of several evenings were all highlights.  And, genuine Mexican food in Old Town.  So good.  I love Mexican food!

On Wednesday we spent the day at the zoo.  Thanks to a friend of Lisa's who works there and got us in free, I've now toured the famous San Diego Zoo, and not actually seen the entrance!  I love zoos anyway, but this one was great fun - pandas, koalas, polar bears, giraffes and otters were some of my favorites of the day.  (I was also quite astonished by the size of the Galapagos tortises, though their sheer size doesn't really show in photos.)

And then, of course, there is the great love of palm trees that I discovered!  I actually don't think, in the course of my travels, that I've ever been to a place where palm trees just grow outside.  In the wintery world in which I live, palm trees are in the indoor botanical gardens at the zoo or downtown - not outside.  They're the thing you put in the photo of some tropical location on your computer desktop background to get you through the winter - the pipe dream of someplace fabulous that you'll maybe go someday.  Quite honestly, palm trees might be the biggest selling factor for a move to California one day!  They definitely became the standing joke for the week, as one or the other of us pointed them out, including the "miniature palm trees" on one of the rides at Disneyland!

In the posts to come, various sites, the best parts of the trip, and of course, Disneyland!

Waking from Dreams

I forget, sometimes, that often when there is some sort of forward momentum in one part of my life, there is a tendency for backlash in others.

I remembered that reality rather harshly this morning, waking from a couple of dreams.

Often I know that a dream isn't reality, even while I'm having it.  That I'm experiencing something that is symbolic or spiritual or just bad pizza. 

This morning's wasn't like that.  It took me a minute or two after waking to remember that what I'd seen and experienced was a dream.

It's a dream that reflected a fear that's embarrassing to me in a way.

I haven't talked much about the fall out from the last car accident I had in January.

The fact that on the rare occasions these days that I get behind the wheel of a car, panic comes.  That part didn't surprise me, really.  It happened after the previous accidents too.  And in each case, it's usually dissipated simply by time.  By getting behind the wheel over and over again, and praying, and driving carefully, and doing it through the panic. 

And I don't and can't have a car for a while because of the insurance issues, so I didn't expect it to dissipate quickly.

I haven't told many people that even being a passenger in a car similar to mine is hard.  That riding in the front seat of a smaller, low to the ground vehicle is also nerve wracking.

There are a couple of people who drive, and I'm able to relax.  But not many.  If they happen to drive larger vehicles - SUVs or trucks, that helps a little.

This morning I relived my last accident (by far the worst one.)  I relived it in my dreams, twice, though the details were wrong.  The crash, the airbag, the panic over what to do next, who to call.  The sinking sense of dread that now the insurance will be a problem forever, because I'd had even more accidents.

It wasn't the fear that I'd expected to surface.  It wasn't even like I was expecting fear to surface, per say, though, upon reflection, given other things in my life, it didn't surprise me.

It felt like, maybe even was, attack.

And it wasn't an easy way to start the day.

Nearly two hours later, I'm approaching okay.  In half an hour a friend will pick me up, and we're going for breakfast, and I'll ride in her car, and pray a little, and push away the fear for the reality of enjoying time with my friend.

But if you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers right now.  As I walk through some stuff that aches and it stirs all the other fears, I'd appreciate your prayers.  For courage, and for protection, because there was a very real element of oppression, a sense upon waking that this was attack - against the progress I'm aiming for, against the freedom and healing I'm fighting for these days.  I'd appreciate your prayers as I shake off the remains of the dreams, or of whatever else comes.  Because pushing for healing is important, and I'm pretty sure I can't do it alone.