I Wrote... now sleep?

I have these moments where I spend most of an evening avoiding that which I desperately know that I need to do. Tonight was one of those moments.

I knew I needed to write. I knew I needed to pray. I was working at avoiding them both.

The restlessness became unbearable and I curled up in my chair with my journal.

I wrote.

I prayed.

And now, I'm hoping for some sleep.

A New Spirituality...

From a Sojourners mailing list email I receive daily:

I sense that a new spirituality is being born in the church today, flowing from the wounded hearts of the weak and broken who are crying out for friendship. This friendship is also a source of healing for those who answer their cry.
- Jean Vanier Spiritual Journeys

Happening this week?

Here are some of the things I would like to happen this week (not the things I know for sure are happening, but the ones I’d like to fit in):

I’d like to connect with my friend J, to spend some time praying together

I’d like to find a place to live after June 30th

I’d like to rest

I’d like to make decisions, or at least begin the process of making decisions about my work situation, and whether or not to begin studying for my master’s degree in the fall.

I’d like to spend at least an hour curled up in a nicely scented hot bath, and lose myself in a fictional world.

I’d like to buy an umbrella

I’d like to cook at least one fresh meal

I’d like to eat berries of some sort

I’d like the tears that just don’t fall to start falling

I’d like to share stories with another friend, just recently returned from Bosnia and Croatia

I’d like to sip tea

I’d like to start a piece of writing that’s been brewing in my head for the last week or so.

I’d like to start sorting out my books (they probably need to be pared down a bit before moving)

I’d like to go for a long walk (even if it’s raining) by myself in Fish Creek Park

Enough, Enough?

So I’m sitting here at my desk again, sipping tea, like I do every morning, reflecting that the grey, rainy skies are matching my mental state quite nicely once again.

I’m asking myself the question “when is enough, enough?”

My work situation has been a disaster for months now. Ever since I returned from traveling back in February, really. The degree of “disaster” has varied. But overall, it’s been a disaster.

I’m tired. After a weekend of pondering (and trying to forget for a few hours) the latest in a long string of incidents, I find myself wondering if maybe it’s just time to move on?

Let me be clear. I love my boss. I love working for her. She’s the reason why, nearly two years into what was initially going to be a maximum one year “transition period” job, I’m still showing up at the office every morning. I love most of my coworkers, but there is one quite recent addition to the company who is just not a good fit in either our department or our company (in my opinion), and is consequently making my life and job far more difficult and miserable than they really need to be.

I’m not feeling malicious towards this person. At this point I’m not even angry anymore, I’m just tired of dealing with the situation. I’m tired of the pointed comments, and the petty rude emails. I’m tired of the fact that though our boss has intervened on several occasions, and is certainly aware of the situation, nothing seems to change.

I’m tired of having to double and triple think every word I say to this person, and every email I send, because I’ve been accused of “wanting payback”. I’m tired of having to defend my own integrity in the face of pettiness on the part of someone without a lot of integrity. I’m tired of being watched and accused and being told how I’m behaving.

Again, let me be clear. I haven’t been a saint. I have been angry. I have occasionally been rude, or simply chosen to ignore the existence of this person. But my genuine desire is to walk uprightly in the midst of even this most ridiculous and childish of situations. I’ve managed to keep the cutting personal remarks that would be so easy to stoop to making from spilling past my lips. I’m working on keeping them from forming in my mind at all. I’ve been deeply convicted by the passage where Jesus talks about “loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you.” I will admit that at this point a growled “bless her, Lord” is all that I can generally manage in the midst of this situation. I will also admit to wondering if this "pray for those who persecute you" thing is going to kill me. But I'm trying, with Jesus' help I'm really trying.

And so this morning, after a weekend of pondering an accusation of rudeness and an attempt at payback in what I thought was a very professional (if short) email, I’m just tired, and I’m asking, “When is enough, enough?” Maybe it’s time to move on? To cut my daily commute in half by working downtown. To make a salary that is somewhat significantly larger than my current salary, because I’ve been willing to be a bit underpaid to enjoy my place of employment.

When is enough, enough?