Daily 5 - Day 130

Today's Daily "5"

1. Visiting the gorillas early this morning, and watching as they ate and played
2. watching the hippos eat breakfast and then sort of waddle and ease themselves back into their pool. So funny.
3. Enjoying T's girlfriend leading worship at church this morning.
4. Enjoying the choir from the church, with T conducting, both at church and at a nursing home this afternoon
5. One more baking job finished. Only two or three to go, and then packaging all the goodies up.
6. time with family today
7. finding time to journal and somewhat release the dream that I woke from this morning
8. lighting the 4th advent candle, and pondering love and friendships all day.
9. an encouraging note about my weekly photos on facebook of my advent wreath from someone I've known most of my life
10. being genuinely greeted by a number of people at church this morning. it's not always the case at that church - that I am able to relax and and not feel pressure to perform, but today it was nice to be welcomed by a few people.
    

Fourth Advent: Love

Four Advent Candles have now been lit in the wreath that sits on my dresser. Only the Christ candle remains unlit, waiting for the coming of Immanuel.

The fourth candle is love.

Over the last four Sundays I've lit candles for hope, peace, joy, and now tonight, love.

The timing as usual is profound.

I've spent much of the day pondering again how much love requires. The giving up of rights. The surrendering. I didn't know that tonight's candle was love, that I would come home, and finish up the baking for the day, and light a candle symbolizing love. I just spent my day thinking about some of those things, because they were what was on my mind.

Funny how God does that.

So four candles burn on my dresser wreath, and I am waiting.

I am waiting for Christ, the true embodiment of love to come. For in his love are the hope and peace and joy that I've already lit candles, waiting in expectation for each of their fulfillment as well.

I am waiting, come, Lord Jesus, come.

Later Sunday

I woke this morning, as I mentioned from a dream. The dream was shaking and painful, so I did the only thing I could, rose and began the day.

Hours later, I'm glad that that is the approach I took.

I sorted vitamins for the coming week (a regular Sunday morning task).

And then I headed out.

First stop was the zoo. I arrived earlier than I usually do, and the animals were quite active, some still being fed. I watched the gorillas eat and play, and stopped in fascination as the hippos ate breakfast (kind of like watching an enormous chomping vacuum cleaner) and then eased themselves back into the water.

Then I went to church. I've been trying to hear my brother sing Christmas music for several weeks, and weather has always gotten in the way. (One evening we spent three hours trying to make our way across the city to hear them sing and just never made it. Another event was cancelled because it was to be held outdoors and the temperatures were frigid that day.) This morning he was conducting the church choir he's formed, and I decided to go hear them sing. I used the sermon time to journal just a little (as I listened) about the dream I'd had.

In the afternoon, the church choir was singing at a nearby nursing home, and my mom and I went to hear this longer performance.

I then borrowed mom's much more spacious kitchen to roll out some cookie dough I'd pre-made and brought with me, and to bake the cookies.

And now I'm home, having just finished a comfort food dinner (tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich) and I'm planning to assemble sandwich cookies for a while, and then simply rest.

The animals at the zoo soothed my jangled spirits. The worship at church spoke a bit of peace to my hurting soul. The joy in the elderly people's faces as they enjoyed the choir renewed just a little bit of hope.

The losses have been great, but there have been gains as well.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Just, "Will you hold me?"

I wrote a post earlier this week thinking about unity and friendship.

I'm thinking about that again this morning. I've been thinking about it in one way or another for most of this week that has passed.

In that earlier post I shared a line I penned as a part of a poem in the summer of 2008. A line that has stayed with me ever since. "...no John 17 goodness left in me..."

I woke this morning from a painful dream.

It's been a little while, a week or so maybe, since I've had a dream of this intensity.

And this one hurt.

Full of friendships that have changed. And full of goodbyes.

And I find myself thinking again of that poem I penned two summers back, and of two of the stanzas that surround that line that has so haunted me.

Stanzas that read:

goodbye
hard words to say
not the cry for unity
that I'd desired
no John 17 goodness
left in me

just Abba, Father,
my heart hurts
"Would you hold me?"
(copyright 2008)

That's how I feel this morning. That prayer, "Abba, Father, my heart hurts, would you hold me?"

Really hold me. In the way you have in the past, and the way I know you will again in the future.

I don't know how this will all play out.

I know these thoughts hurt more at this time of year. At this time of year when you celebrate family and friendships.

I've in many ways lost some of both in the last few years.

Not the cry of unity my heart desired. Not the cry of unity my heart desires.

Just the remnants of a dream this morning, and a prayer that requires some trust. "Abba, Father, I hurt, come and hold me."