Quiet and Rest

Quiet and rest have been my themes of the week.

For those of you who don't follow me on facebook or twitter, my temp job came to an abrupt end last Friday, three weeks before I expected it to end.

It's a bit bittersweet in that I could definitely use the income.  But it was an incredibly negative work environment, one which I'd ask my friends just the night before it ended, to pray that I would have wisdom to continue navigating.

And so, after two weeks of being quite ill and over three months of working in a tough environment full-time, the themes of this week have been quiet and rest.

I've been spending time in the kitchen, trying new recipes and creating.

I've been putting on television and movies that make me smile, and curling up with some knitting.

I've been browsing pinterest, hunting for inspiration, and gathering supplies and tackling some projects.  (I made the first attempt at some very cute earrings that use paperclips as a base yesterday - with a little tweaking, I'm going to love them!)

Yesterday a friend from house church and I hung out and spent the afternoon catching up, and baking at a leisurely pace, making some decadent treats that I will deliver tonight to the social services agency where my brother works with teenagers who a part of live-in program to help manage their severe mental illnesses and emotional problems.  My brother has challenged me in his work there, in the way he has loved on these kids who quite literally don't have anyone else to love them.  When he texted me a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in doing a bit of baking for a Christmas dinner that the staff provide for the kids and some of their family members, and that they wanted to make it a really special dinner, one that might truly be a once in a lifetime opportunity for these kids, I jumped at the chance, and corralled some friends from church who also love to bake.  So, yesterday we baked, and tonight I'll go with my dad to drop off the results.  There are plans under way for my friends and I to bake regularly for these kids in the coming year - providing special treats.

There's something about a chance to minister in that sort of way that makes my heart sing in a way that using my many administrative skills never has.  Yes, I'm good at office work.  I'm quick, efficient, and skilled.  But I don't love it.  It doesn't make me come alive the way creating, caring for people, and feeding anyone who wants to eat does.  And so today, as I continue to rest, enjoy quiet, and create, I'm pondering that, and what it looks like for my future...

Thinking about Food

It's Monday morning, the first full day of enjoying house-sitting for my folks, and I am still in bed, writing with my laptop propped on top of me, and me propped on top of various pillows.

I'm thinking about food.  Because today I need to make a grocery list.  I need to go through some recipes, make a grocery list, and then go to the grocery store. 

Fruit is going to be a major ingredient on my list, I think.  I want to make a giant fruit salad, and then stash it in the fridge to be consumed all week.

And I want asparagus, and maybe the ingredients to make chicken Caesar Salad.

And I think I'll pick out a couple of new recipes.  Maybe one baking one, and one or two main courses.

I'm craving the fruit, mostly.  And other raw vegetables, too.  I want multiple kinds of berries and nectarines, and maybe some mango. 

And I'm looking forward to turning on some great music and enjoying myself in the kitchen over the next couple of weeks.

How awesome to have that chance to creatively express myself in that way again!

Daily 5 - Day 178

Today's Daily 5:

1. There is a certain sense of accomplishment in the fact that I got behind the wheel of a car on my own again today.  It was hard, and will probably be hard for a while, but I made it.
2. Thankful for my mom, who drove and/or let me use the car for a bit, so that I could get some errands done.
3. Went for lunch with a good friend at "The Lazy Loaf and Kettle" - I haven't been there in years, but the sandwich I had was GREAT!  I don't know what it was that made it so fabulous, maybe just that I got to choose what went on it, so that it wasn't like a typical restaurant or store sandwich with stuff you don't like, but it was a really good sandwich.
4. Got the new Sara Miles book "Jesus Freak" in the mail today.  Can't wait to read it!  Funny timing actually, given the anniversaries of this week.  Her first book was very life-shaping, and I actually finished reading it for the first time about two years ago to the week, on the plane back to Canada from England.
5. A package came from my friend LP/CA today, filled with goodies that made me smile.  It came with my mom this morning, when we were headed out, and I waited all day (I've actually been waiting for several days, since it arrived at my parents' house a few days ago) until I was done all the necessary tasks and could really enjoy sitting and opening it, to crack it open and discover what she'd sent.  (Actually, there are unconfirmed reports that I may have giggled and squealed a little on discovering various things in the package, but they're going to remain unconfirmed, since I was home alone at the time!)
6. Watching Banning Liebscher preach at the Jesus Culture Encounter conference tonight via live stream... loving that I can be part of this conference from a distance.
7. Baked chocolate chip cookies today
8. Got a bunch of errands done.  That feels like a big accomplishment these days, given my current lack of a vehicle.
9. Did a bit of reading of the first book I'm reviewing for booksneeze.com
10. T & L have a wedding date.  On May 16, I officially get a sister!

Daily 5 - Day 133

Today's Daily "5":

1. Pumpkin cookies that I baked last night.  I forgot how good those things are.  May have to keep a few of those instead of giving them away.
2. A really quick, simple chicken recipe (with roasted green beans) for supper that was so tasty
3. An hour of laughing and chatting with my hairstylist while she made me hair look great again.  I love chatting with her.  Such random conversations, but always lots of laughing.
4. Only 1/2 day of work left until holidays :)
5. sticking to my budget, even in the face of an awesome sale tonight.
6. (Bonus tonight!) Walking next to the air ambulance helicopter when it landed on the nearby helipad.  Which would have been cool anyway, but was totally a crazy experience thanks to the feet of snow everywhere that the rotor blades kicked up.  Instant white-out conditions, and man did that snow sting as it pelted into my face at high speed.
   

Daily 5 - Day 132

Today's Daily "5":

1. Finally finishing all of the Christmas baking that I'm giving as gifts (pumpkin cookies and peanut butter bars tonight!).  Now just the packaging of all of it remains to be done.
2. Getting the Christmas cards that needed to be mailed to the US written and sent.  (Yes, they'll be late, oh well!)
3. Writing the Christmas cards that get mailed within Canada, and having them ready to be sent tomorrow.  (I love writing cards, just have to motivate myself to do it.  I take pleasure in finding words to tell friends that I'm thinking about them and love and miss them.)
   
4. Full day at work, but not a stressful one.
5. Subway for lunch - it was a nice break from the leftovers I've been eating for lunch most of the time
6. Enjoying the house to myself while I baked and puttered tonight.
7. a lit candle in my oil burner, making my bedroom smell lovely
8. Ephesians 3:14-21 NLT
9. listening to a sermon from Bethel Church in Redding, CA while I was baking
10. chicken fingers and french fries - comfort food - for supper after work.
    

Relatively Joyful

Not that I'm counting or anything, but I have 2.5 work days left until I'm off for about 10 days. And that is definitely contributing to a good mood this morning.

But mostly, I woke somewhat joyful. I like the mornings like that - when you wake with the sense that joy is somehow possible in the midst of that day, in the midst of the myriad of crazy circumstances that surround me.

And on it goes.

Another busy day at work.

I need to write and get in the mail (though they'll all be late now) several Christmas cards, some with little gifts tucked inside.

Tonight I'm baking pumpkin cookies, and cooking some sort of dinner for myself.

The week is full and busy, and I'm definitely counting down to time off. But today I feel somehow hopeful, and joyful amidst the longing anticipation of advent.

And for that I'm grateful.

Daily 5 - Day 131

Today's Daily 5

1. Making it through a long list of tasks at work, some of which were time sensitive, while still managing to answer phones for a large chunk of the morning and manage the front desk.
2. A small, very thoughtful Christmas gift from a friend received as we had lunch together today - an item I'd looked at a number of times, but never purchased.
3. Hearing her say that she'd bought them because they made her think of me. That was deeply encouraging because my relationship with this friend has been uncertain, and I've often felt like she didn't know or understand me well, but this gift was a very thoughtful indication that she does "see" me at least a little, and that was encouraging to me today.
4. One more baking task finished.
5. A grocery trip where everything was in stock (went by myself to a different store than usual)
6. finished making a small gift for another friend
7. curled up in bed playing a game on my laptop
8. emails that are completely caught up at the moment
9. knowing that I'm getting very close to ten days or so in a row off of work
10. the joy of making gifts and anticipating giving them
    

Daily 5 - Day 130

Today's Daily "5"

1. Visiting the gorillas early this morning, and watching as they ate and played
2. watching the hippos eat breakfast and then sort of waddle and ease themselves back into their pool. So funny.
3. Enjoying T's girlfriend leading worship at church this morning.
4. Enjoying the choir from the church, with T conducting, both at church and at a nursing home this afternoon
5. One more baking job finished. Only two or three to go, and then packaging all the goodies up.
6. time with family today
7. finding time to journal and somewhat release the dream that I woke from this morning
8. lighting the 4th advent candle, and pondering love and friendships all day.
9. an encouraging note about my weekly photos on facebook of my advent wreath from someone I've known most of my life
10. being genuinely greeted by a number of people at church this morning. it's not always the case at that church - that I am able to relax and and not feel pressure to perform, but today it was nice to be welcomed by a few people.
    

Later Sunday

I woke this morning, as I mentioned from a dream. The dream was shaking and painful, so I did the only thing I could, rose and began the day.

Hours later, I'm glad that that is the approach I took.

I sorted vitamins for the coming week (a regular Sunday morning task).

And then I headed out.

First stop was the zoo. I arrived earlier than I usually do, and the animals were quite active, some still being fed. I watched the gorillas eat and play, and stopped in fascination as the hippos ate breakfast (kind of like watching an enormous chomping vacuum cleaner) and then eased themselves back into the water.

Then I went to church. I've been trying to hear my brother sing Christmas music for several weeks, and weather has always gotten in the way. (One evening we spent three hours trying to make our way across the city to hear them sing and just never made it. Another event was cancelled because it was to be held outdoors and the temperatures were frigid that day.) This morning he was conducting the church choir he's formed, and I decided to go hear them sing. I used the sermon time to journal just a little (as I listened) about the dream I'd had.

In the afternoon, the church choir was singing at a nearby nursing home, and my mom and I went to hear this longer performance.

I then borrowed mom's much more spacious kitchen to roll out some cookie dough I'd pre-made and brought with me, and to bake the cookies.

And now I'm home, having just finished a comfort food dinner (tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich) and I'm planning to assemble sandwich cookies for a while, and then simply rest.

The animals at the zoo soothed my jangled spirits. The worship at church spoke a bit of peace to my hurting soul. The joy in the elderly people's faces as they enjoyed the choir renewed just a little bit of hope.

The losses have been great, but there have been gains as well.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Daily 5 - Day 129

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finding what I needed at Michaels this morning after a bit of hunting.
2. George (after being sort of temperamental last night) worked well today.
3. No longer between banks. Down to just one. Old accounts closed. New one working.
4. Watching Julie and Julia while I puttered around the house this afternoon.
5. Filing done, though bedroom not quite cleaned up yet.
6. Making peanut butter puffed wheat - part of the Christmas "to be gifted" selection
7. Laughing with family tonight at the joint party for Mom and T's birthdays today and tomorrow
8. Good food - family dinners almost always have those
9. Thankful for a warm apartment, and no huge heating bills.
10. Thankful for a very productive day, that was still restful and quiet.
    

Daily 5 - Day 126

Today's Daily 5:

1. Another batch of cookies baked
2. Getting through a particularly challenging day
3. thankful for deep prayerful spaces, even the particularly painful ones
4. thankful for a shift to somewhat warmer weather
5. thankful for a quiet (if at times hard) evening at home.
   

Daily 5 - Day 125

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful I did my errands at lunch, even if they were a bit rushed, instead of after work, since I drove today, and traffic was quite bad again.
2. I'm thankful that the weather is warming up
3. listening to Misty Edwards again lately, and being deeply moved by it
   
4. mixing up a triple batch of sugar cookie dough. First type of cookies baked tonight, dough stored in the fridge, more to come in coming days
5. I was thankful to do yoga after work tonight. I've been getting my 20+ minutes of exercise in the last little while by doing a lot of walking (added bonus of taking the train - get the workout for the day in). But I've missed the yoga, and how much better my muscles feel after stretching them out.
6. I was thankful that I didn't have to make dinner, but still got to eat a delicious meal.
7. working on Philippians memorization in the car this morning
8. lots of quiet moments today, pausing to pray
9. having the supplies to finish making all but one Christmas present... that last one is stumping me... not sure what to do about it yet.
10. sorting through my budget, and realizing that even though things will be tight these next couple weeks, I'm going to get through Christmas for the first time in quite a while without accruing debt that would need to be paid off.
    

Daily 5 - Day 123

Today's Daily 5:

1. One flopped baking attempt, and one not quite as planned attempt, but still smiling, and with one edible container of sweet goodness to show for the efforts
2. Spending time making Christmas cards and gift tags tonight
3. Finishing a very good book (Bent Hope by Tim Huff) that I've been working on for a couple of weeks... more thoughts on it to come...
4. Having the house to myself for the vast majority of the day
5. sipping a glass of ice wine and lighting three advent candles.
   

Sometimes flops (Rejoice)

As I write this, I'm happily eating a bowl of slightly mangled Chinese dumplings for dinner. I've loved these little things for years and every once in a while I'll make a whole meal out of them, and there is a local grocery store that sells bags of them, frozen, just needing to be cooked. My mom has mastered the art of cooking them until they're perfect. Me? Not so much. But hey, they're tasty, even slightly mangled.

The slightly mangled nature of the dumplings is pretty indicative of my cooking and baking attempts today.

I tried two new cookie recipes. One was an unrescueable flop (though very nice smelling), and ended up in the garbage can. The other is quite edible, but definitely not all that pretty to look at.

I think, today, I'm okay with the flops. They amuse me.

They feel indicative of life. You try, you enjoy the process, and well, sometimes you fail a little bit anyway, or maybe it isn't a failure, but it sure doesn't look anything like what you were expecting.

I'm glad I stayed home today, though yesterday I was so longing to attend the house church gathering.

My energy levels, true to form, have fluctuated through the day, and it's been nice to be able to simply retreat to my bedroom in quiet.

I still find myself praying deeply for some things, and that too, is drawing energy.

I was grateful that I was home because it meant that I got to trade a few emails with a very dear friend. Emails that encouraged my heart in the midst of the spaces that it's currently occupying.

In a little while, I'll light the third candle of the advent wreath, and let my heart be again quiet and praying. Tonight's candle is joy, or rejoice. Seems somehow appropriate, even though this has been a day where I have walked again the line between joy and sorrow.

It was a day of minor culinary failures, and yet, the time itself, spent cooking and baking has felt sacramental. A prayer offered. Love taking the form of food (even if I am the only one who will see or eat some of that food.) Amidst those moments, my heart rejoices and gives thanks.

Daily 5 - Day 115

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hanging out with mom for a chunk of the day - it's good that the relationship has been restored enough that on a day when I was feeling lonely and needing a way to escape my house, I could give her a call
2. Baking in my parent's newly renovated kitchen. Our apartment has literally zero counter space, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to work in a space where you can spread out a bit.
3. 3 different types of cookies using the same base dough. Cinnamon pinwheels. Golden almond thingys, and coconut macaroons.
4. I'm thankful for the roast beef dinner my mom fed us - I love to cook but almost never make roast since it takes too long and we get home late, so it's always nice to get it for a change at mom's house.
5. I'm thankful that I made it safely home tonight, despite the fact that it started snowing again, they don't plow the sidestreets and the deep snow is a bit difficult to navigate on the hilly street I live on.
   

Daily 5 - Day 102

This is the sort of day that I need to make these lists, and today there are some things that are really and truly making me smile amidst the pull of other pain...

1. The funny memory of using a wine bottle, still partially filled, as a rolling pin in a baking experiment that was ultimately a disaster. But it was fun to improvise for a rolling pin upon realizing that I don't own one. (And won't be rushing out to buy one since this was the first time in three years I've lived on my own and needed one!)
2. I'm grateful for some minor relational conflict today that reminded me that I do not need to fear that all relational conflict will end in the destruction of the relationship. I'm thankful for the reminder that it can be dealt with through conversation, a request for a boundary to be honored, and that we could then move on and continue to enjoy relationship.
3. I learned a new trick for dicing onions in the cooking class today. It was worth it for that alone. I hate chopping onions. I watched my mom's knife slip on the membrane of an onion once when I was a kid, and cut her finger very badly, and I've been a bit paranoid about knives, and particularly chopping onions ever since. I never chop onions into really small pieces for that reason, but I think, with the trick she showed us today, I might actually attempt it.
4. I'm thankful for wine poured out.
5. I'm thankful for other writers, who have used their gifts with words to encourage in the moments I can't find that encouragement for myself
6. I'm thankful for utilities that are included in our rent. I have memories of very short showers overseas because of the cost of water and heating that water, and on days like today when my muscles ache, I'm grateful for a shower that will stay warm as long as I stand under it, without costing me anything.
7. I'm thankful that one of the two cookie experiments I attempted today turned out. (Cooking is definitely more my forte than baking!)
   
8. I'm thankful for the testimonies of those being baptized at a church service last week that I'm watching via video online, and for the testimonies of healing from another service last week that I also watched online tonight. There is something deeply encouraging about people crying out to be made new, and others giving testimony to the works of God in their lives where man could do nothing.
9. I'm thankful for the prayers a friend wrote out and prayed over me by email this afternoon... for the tears that her words gave permission to fall... for the enforced stoppage and cocooning towards rest and restoration
10. I'm thankful for those of you who stop by from time to time and leave comments on the blog... they always make me smile, and remind me that there are so many other beautiful people journeying alongside, scattered around the country, continent and globe.
    

Thursday Evening Plans

After work and a few quick errands, I made it home.

I made bowtie pasta with sweet basil marinara meat sauce for dinner.

There are chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.

And, I discovered that the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy is on at a reasonable hour tonight, so, instead of watching it online tomorrow or the next day, I have plans to crash on the couch for a couple of hours and watch my favorite television show live.

It's a good way to spend the evening, I think.

And on it goes...

I've spoken with the technical support people from my phone/internet/television provider three times in the last 18 hours.

They're sending a tech guy out tomorrow to hopefully fix our problems.

I would like to be able to access the internet from somewhere other than our kitchen again. Or really from anywhere that is more than five feet from our modem & router.

At least they could send someone as soon as tomorrow. I'm thankful for that.

Today's plans are lazy.

Some time with my mom (pictures of the results of that likely to come later).

We have bananas that are screaming at us that they have now reached the point where they must either be disposed of or baked into banana bread.

I need to run an errand or two.

And other than that, I think I'll probably sit in the sun and read or write.

I'm needing a lazy Saturday. I'm also praying that it is a lazy Saturday without the need for a tow truck. I would not be impressed if I had to call a tow truck for the third weekend in a row! (Though it would be sort of funny if it happened and it was the same tow truck driver for a third time!)

And with that, I'm off to watch the rest of an episode of M*A*S*H* that I started this morning, and maybe do a bit of cleaning in my bedroom.

Full Evening

I came home from work.

I cooked dinner for my roommate L. and I, like I do most nights. Tonight was beef stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables and Shanghai noodles.

Together we did some baking.

The sacrament of Banana bread.

And oatmeal cookies. With butterscotch chips.

I chatted online with a dear friend for a bit.

And on the phone with another friend, making plans to attend services together at various places on Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. And to spend some time laughing and drinking tea and catching up on Thursday night after the service.

And on the phone with my mom.

And then I showered and crawled into bed early. To do the Lenten devotionals that are drawing to a close. To catch up on some emails.

And to go to bed early.

It was a rather full evening, but not rushed. A nice change in the pace of weeks that have been stressful and rushed and full of struggle and pain.

Sacraments (Banana Bread and Cleaning)

Sacrament: something regarded as possessing a sacred character or mysterious significance.

I've been thinking about sacraments this afternoon. Those things that, for whatever reason, have some sacred significance.

The big ones - the Lord's supper, baptism etc.

But mostly about all the little ones that are purely individual, are almost quirks of nature.

I was thinking about them, because as I engaged in a couple of acts this afternoon, I realized that they are things that have in many ways, over the course of this last year, become deeply sacramental in my life. They are things that have become prayers, that as I do them, seem endowed with a deeper significance.

Baking banana bread. I started baking banana bread on a regular basis sometime around Easter. I was engaged in a fast of chocolate and sweets that lasted for several months, and banana bread was a healthy alternative snack and breakfast item. When I started baking it, it was a constant reminder to pray, because it was only necessary to be baked due to the fast. That fast and several others have come and gone, and somewhere along the way, baking banana bread and praying have become a part of my routine. A part of my daily life, but somehow endowed with deeper significance. It once took me nearly 2 hours to mix up a batch, because I was talking online about some of the deeper relational struggles that have marked this year with a dear friend, and praying as we talked and I baked. I thought about that this afternoon, as I mixed up another batch, filled loaf pans, and put them in the oven. I thought about it as the scent of the baking bread filled my house. And I prayed again for many of those same things - for the things that led me to fast and bake banana bread in the first place and the things that remain heavy on my heart today.

Cleaning. Cleaning is perhaps an odd thing to be endowed with sacredness, and yet, for me, it often is. I'm sitting here just now, enjoying the fruits of an afternoon of labor. Both of my roommates have now left the country for the holidays, and it is only me in our home for the next two weeks. I'll enjoy this, but it also concerns me in some ways - sleep has been a challenge again of late, and there is added security in knowing that if it is really bad, there is a friend down the hall whom I can wake and ask to pray with me.

I discovered long ago that when my heart and mind became too cluttered or afraid, and I became immobilized, I would bring order to my physical space, which had often become a cluttered reflection of my state of mind and heart. For years now, I've been cleaning as a sort of wordless prayer for restoration. This past year, that has intensified greatly, and I've prayed with and without words as I've cleaned.

And so, today, as I face two weeks of quiet in the house, but also the added fear of being alone, I spent the afternoon cleaning, praying as I did through the rooms I tidied and restored order too. Working my way through laundry, and our kitchen. Through sweeping and vaccuming. (And I'll clean the bathroom later still.)

And so, I'm sitting here, at a kitchen table that is clear (save for my laptop) for the first time in months, staring out the sliding doors at the fading daylight on this shortest day of the year and the snow drifts on our deck that I know (from experience this afternoon while taking out the garbage) are knee deep, smelling the banana bread I removed from the oven, and thinking about sacraments, and wondering again, at how the most simple and common things of life can be endowed with deep meaning, can become sacraments unexpectedly.

May those things in my life ever multiply.