In Writing or In Person

After I posted my daily 5 post last night, with a little bit of an explanation of why making those lists moves and changes me, I got to thinking about how there are a number of areas in my life right now, where I'm involved with newer groups or relational settings, and how little of myself I feel like is being expressed in those settings at this point.

And then I opened my twitter account and wrote the following two successive tweets:

"I have to laugh when I publish a blog post and I realize how well you have to know me before my written self and my in person self match up"(from here)

and

"My in person self is reserved unless I'm comfortable. If I'm comfortable, the intellectual writer, thinker, prayer and Jesus lover emerges." (from here)

I'm still thinking about this topic this morning - about how in new relationships (with some exceptions) it tends to take a very long time for my most true self to appear and find expression.

Part of that comes from the introversion.  Often new relationships begin in group settings, and group settings have never been my forte. They intimidate me.  I don't like being the center of attention, so unless I am very, very comfortable that it is safe to expose myself in even a minor way to everyone in that group, I'll likely remain quiet, sit near the back, and tend towards preferring invisibility wherever possible.  I'm not shy, really.  If you ask directly I'll likely answer.  But I'm also comfortable with not needing to be the one who answers (the exception to this being the times in my life that I've been in a teaching or leadership role), and in fact I rather prefer it that way.

Part of it comes from that thing about safety. In the past I felt that to not immediately put everything on the table was a sort of lie of omission, and I couldn't stomach that idea.  I've exposed parts of myself in the past in settings that I knew might be less than safe, and I've paid a price for that.  As I've gotten older, and had some good therapy, I've learned about things like boundaries, and valuing myself enough to be careful with what and how I share myself, recognizing that the whole world doesn't need to know the deepest parts of my heart - that I can choose to reveal those things to a select few, and that in making that choice it is not living a falsehood, but rather seeing myself as a person who was created as a valuable child of God.

I'm remembering numerous times in the past where someone who has known me in person for quite some time discovers my writing (something that is admittedly harder to do these days, since I do far less of it in any sort of public forum) and then comes to me and asks some variation of the question "Where did this come from? Who are you????"

And so it makes me smile, and sometimes just a bit frustrated to ponder how my written self expresses the deeper parts of me that often take a very long time to emerge in person.  And it makes me smile in a bigger way to consider that several of my closest friends are those who met me in writing long before they met me in person.  Because they already knew the deep parts of me, we skipped that awkward stage, and it was and is a lovely way to begin a friendship, at least for my introverted self.

And I'm smiling because I know about myself that in person it takes me a while, and because those tweets last night sprang from a place of frustration over a number of arenas in my life right now where I feel hidden and unknown and the process of relationship building just doesn't quite seem to be clicking.  It sprang from a genuine wrestle with trusting safety, and from a place of impatience with the process of relationship building.  It sprang from a place of recognizing that there are a number of deep things going on in my heart and life right now, and feeling frustrated with knowing how and where to express those in ways that are safe, and will nurture them, rather than yanking them up by the roots.  And it sprang from a loneliness for local friends who know me in the deeper ways.

I'm the same person in person as the person who writes, but it takes a while for the two personas to catch up with each other.  And that makes me smile, and makes me impatient, and gives me hope (when I stop to consider the lovely relationships that do match).

Rest. Busy. Rest.

Midway through last week all of the events of the last month and a half caught up to me and my introverted self put its foot down.

Turns out that several major family medical emergencies, exploring and wrestling with whole new faith convictions while visiting friends in another country, starting a new semester of nursing school in a brand new area of practice with a steep learning curve, starting to wean off my antianxiety meds, working part time, making changes in diet and exercise practices, and just generally trying to maintain a personal, social, and spiritual life can be exhausting.

I know I'm overwhelmed when I sit in a nursing class before the lecture begins, and the voices of all those women (and a very few men) talking and talking and talking grates on my nerves to the point where I kind of want to scream at everybody to shut up, or I might lose it!

With all that in mind, I set this weekend aside for rest.  (Mostly.)

I am thankful that this semester I have three day weekends in which to actually manage rest a bit more fully.

I slept late on Saturday morning, got up and did a bit of housework, took a long nap, did a bit more housework, and then went to bed.  It was pretty much divine.  I think I only saw one other human being the whole day, and talked to one on the phone.  Perfect for my tapped out self.

Sunday was kind of the opposite.  I had breakfast with a long time friend (stuffed french toast - not the best ever, but not bad). Then we did a couple errands together.  I followed that up by going wedding dress shopping with one of my oldest friends.  She's getting married in February, and I'm her maid of honor, so I joined her and her mom to start the process of finding "the dress". And then I followed that up with a family dinner of sorts with a few extra people, which is pretty much the norm for our family.  Lately family dinners have sometimes been hard - they emphasize that even though I'm the oldest sibling, I'm the only one who is single, without any current prospects, and that goes to a different church than the rest of the family.  Those dinners sort of emphasize the ways in which I often struggle to fit within my family, and if I'm honest, I was kind of dreading this one when my mom called to set it up.  That said, it was lovely!  The addition of the extra bodies this time served to keep it from being quite so awkward feeling, and even though I was tired, it felt good to laugh with my family. I rounded off the day by borrowing mom's car so I could tackle my grocery shopping for the week, then caught a ride home and pretty much crashed.  (Though I enjoyed every bit of the day individually, the sum total of all that people time was still a bit much for my exhausted introvert self.)

And then there's today.  I pretty much slept until 11.  I know, I know, lazy, right?  I justify it by reminding myself that for the next four mornings this week my alarm will go off at 4:15, 4:15, 6:30, and 6:30 to kick off very full days.  I laid in bed for a while catching up on email, and then planned to kick off my day with the last of my pre-made smoothies.  Alas, the smoothie was off, so I tackled the first recipe on my list of cooking for the week - pina colada quinoa.  As I'm sitting to write this, I have a bowl of it in front of me, and it's not too bad!  I'm cooking a lot of quinoa these days in the midst of the effort to eat less starch, and mostly eliminate gluten from my diet, and this is definitely not the best of the quinoa recipes I've tried, but it's edible, and hey, I get to add another recipe to my list of new recipes I've tried this year.  I'm planning to round off this day with a few errands, and a coffee date with a friend, and then some homework.  The first quiz of the semester is happening this week, and I have some policy and procedure documents for neonatal care that I need to work my way through.  Oh, and I'm finally going to hopefully make some progress on the baby blanket I'm making for my future niece or nephew, since, you know, he or she is now two days overdue and likely to show up any time!

Rest. Busy. Rest.  That's my weekend, and while I could use maybe one more day of lying low, the fact that I'm now aware of just how drained I'm feeling is a good thing, and will let me manage my energy and schedule a bit more carefully for the next couple weeks while I work to recover some equilibrium.  Sweet deal.

And with that, I'm off to finish off my breakfast quinoa and get started on some of the little things that I want to do while I'm puttering around and resting today!  Happy Monday!

I'm Going to Miss...

Things I'm going to miss like crazy after spending two lovely weeks in Florida (I head home tonight):

• playing peek-a-boo with A.
• waking up to baby giggles, cries, and babbling
• faces that break into a smile when I appear
• K's various quinoa concoctions
• listening to theology lectures any time we drive anywhere
• frozen yogurt
• sunshine
• warm temperatures even when it rains
• long conversations with K & J
• taking our cameras with us, and always taking the time to capture the shots
• lazy days with netflix while the baby sleeps
• grouchily responding to Jillian Michaels while we do her Yoga Meltdown workouts
• Target
• long conversations about life, abortion, and all sorts of other hot topics
• safe friends for venting
• glasses of wine on the harder days
• hugs from good friends

Monday Luxuries

It's 10:20 am on Monday, and I've only been awake, really awake anyway, for 20 minutes.  This is not one of those days when I managed to figure out what I would say in this space ahead of time, and wrote it, scheduled it, and then fell asleep.

Today is Monday, a day with a few little luxuries, and I've only just woken up.

A day off, and sleeping in.  Those are luxuries.

A scheduled massage appointment - finally, and much needed.  That's a luxury too.

A free afternoon, with plans to tackle homework in a leisurely sort of way.  Another luxury.

A plan to share an evening with some friends.  To bring them a meal.  To play with their two year old, and cuddle their two-week old.  To laugh and share a meal - there is something that is wonderful and holy in sharing a meal.  These are all luxuries.

Today is Monday, and it is a day full fo little luxuries, and I am thankful.

Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget that Jesus loves and knows me.

That when I simply can't, He still knows.

I was reminded of that the other night, as I hung up my phone.

Despite being a (mostly raging) introvert, I have struggled often with loneliness, and lately have been attempting self-care in the form of making sure that I have quality time with people to feed that part of my heart.

The last week or so, though, I simply haven't had the energy to initiate, and to make sure that outings like this were on my calendar.

And yet, as I hung up my phone, I was reminded that Jesus knows my needs, often before I would even recognize them.

In the next week, I expected to have very little social interaction, simply because I had no energy to arrange for them.  I knew I needed it, but I just couldn't make it happen.

Instead, though, I've got several engagements on my calendar.

I unexpectedly shopped with a friend on the weekend.  Tonight I'm attending a local gathering of people passionate about missions.  I'm going with friends, to hear a mutual acquaintance speak about her time as a midwife overseas.  Tomorrow I'm having dinner with a long time friend.  And later this week I have house church.

And so, as I hung up the phone on an unexpected call the other night, asking if I wanted to have dinner, I was reminded that Jesus knows and sees and loves me, and that sometimes, when I just can't quite find the energy or strength to reach out, He takes care of that as well.  And there was joy and peace in that simple reminder.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 356

Today's Daily 5:

1. 28th birthday.  I'm one of a very few people who actually seems to like getting older.  I don't always love birthdays, but I like getting older.  28 seems special, particularly in this year where my one word is "heal" and in this year where so much has changed dramatically.  I'm excited to begin another year of life and see what it holds!
2. spending the whole day mostly puttering and cooking.  In the last 24 hours, pinterest recipes have been my inspiration, and I've made 4 recipes that I'd never made before (muffins, a brownie cake, mango sangria, and a salad)
3. two different bouquets of flowers from a family member and a friend (fun because I actually went out to buy flowers during a different errand this morning, and couldn't find any I like, so left it!)
4. an evening spent with nine wonderful friends, laughing, talking, and sharing food.
5. cuddling the baby daughter of a friend
6. lovely and creative gifts from several friends, thinks that reflect me, and/or our relationships
7. the beauty of a dishwasher for clean-up after a big party (have I mentioned that I like house-sitting?)
8. an evening where we could sit outside on the back patio at mom and dad's to enjoy our dinner
9. hugs from a whole bunch of people I love
10. an overwhelming number of loving facebook greetings and emails from friends far and near
11. calls and texts from the family members I usually spend the day with
12. mango sangria - tiny little bit of heaven!
13. brownie cake - also a bit of heaven
14. a break from cooking midafternoon to soak in a bath and read for a bit
15. listening to some new music sent by a friend while I cooked this morning.

Early Afternoon

I spent last evening with my friend A, and her daughter N.  In between N's bedtime routine, A and I snuck in as much catching up, these are the things that are on our hearts conversation as we could manage.  Over dinner, and ice cream and tea, we talked.  We shared the things going on in each of our lives, and the things the other could be praying about.  I imagine it was the sort of evening that others would look at oddly.  I cleaned up her kitchen while she put N to sleep, and we chatted in between the little interruptions where N would rouse and need to be calmed again.  But for me, the evening was a gift.  It had hugs and love and baby cuddles and food.  It had the gift of genuine, no-holds barred conversation, without judgement, and the gift of seeing the ways God is at work in each of our lives.  I walked away challenged again by the lifestyle A and her husband and their daughter have chose to embrace.  By who they are, by the ways that they challenge and encourage me, the ways that they seek God in what they're doing, and how they're living and parenting.  (And hey, I even walked away with a great new recipe to try!)

I had a bit of a wild bus ride home, getting off the bus downtown, to wait for the next one, to avoid a rather intoxicated native man who was harassing the girl sitting in front of me, and beginning to turn his attention to me as well.  It wouldn't have been my choice to spend fifteen minutes waiting for a bus on my own, downtown, late at night, but I made it home safely, and happily collapsed into sleep at mom and dad's.  It was a bus ride that stirred questions and thoughts about homelessness, safety, poverty, and love again, and it will take time to process.

I slept late this morning, and I'm currently curled up, propped against pillows, and under blankets, working on some of the harder and more personally challenging tasks that I need to accomplish this weekend.  I'm doing them in little chunks, embracing a favorite school homework strategy, of setting aside all distractions for a set period of time (20 minutes today) and doing nothing but the hard thing for that time, and then taking a break.  It works for me, especially with quiet, instrumental, spa type music playing, with ocean waves and things like that.

I have errands to run today, and more to accomplish.  But for this moment, what I need is some food, so I'm off to take care of that need.  I'm thankful for a quiet Saturday, for moments to breath amidst the hard stuff.  For the encouragement of time with a heart-friend, and the knowledge that I can work safely through the harder things, and even the unexpected challenges.  For the reminder of friends praying, and the peace that Jesus offers.  It's that sort of day today, and I am leaning into it.

Spanish Sewing

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with A, and baby N.

A. is from South America, has been a good friend for probably close to ten years now, and we had a great time together, laughing and catching up on the last month or so of each others lives, talking about where God is working, and enjoying the chance to sit and eat together.

I'd asked her a while ago if she would teach me to sew, since her mom is a fashion designer and A has been sewing since she was a really small child.  I frequently compliment her on a piece of clothing she's wearing and she'll say, "oh, I made it!"  In the past we've laughed over the fact that because she learned to sew while still living in South America, she doesn't know the English terms for many sewing implements, and only knows them by their Spanish names!  We talked about how if she taught me to sew, she'd have to help me with my quest to learn Spanish at the same time.

Today we talked about it again, and ended up in a fabric shop.  I hit a sale, and bought fabric and thread to make two simple skirts under A's direction for only $15!

We then contemplated when we'd get together to sew, and she decided she'd simply return today!

We've long taken time to pray together when we gather, so this afternoon we're going to cuddle baby N, and spend time sewing in Spanish and praying in English!  I'm quite looking forward to it!  So few of the friends that I can share intimate times of prayer, and truly enjoy sharing life with live locally, so to get time with a friend like A, and her daughter two days in a row, and to get to learn a bit of a new language and a new skill, and spend time talking together with Jesus is truly a blessing for me, and one I can't wait to enjoy!

(For those of you who are regulars, watch this space later this morning for the first installment of me answering your questions!)

Haunting and Beautiful

My good friend Faye posted a hauntingly beautiful lament for her cousin on her blog this morning.

She doesn't post often, but when she does, I always find her words worth reading.

In the last year, there has been too much grief touching their family.

I'm praying for Faye, and her family today, as they once again grieve.

Cuddling a Baby

My dear friends A and B welcomed their daughter (Baby N) to the world early in January, and yesterday I finally managed to spend some time with A and get to meet N.

She's adorable!  She has her momma's latina head of lots of dark hair, and olive complexion, and her daddy's blue eyes, which make for a surprising and striking combination.  I think this little one is going to be a knock-out when she gets older!

A and I spent several hours visiting, catching up and chatting about how the last time I saw her, mommy-hood hadn't arrived and now, now she's a mommy!  We talked about everything and anything, and interspersed it with cuddling N, and cooking (A is Colombian and taught me how to make a sort of corn cake called arepas that's a traditional Colombian dish).

So, this is me, cuddling N.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 220

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 220 days of making these lists - I'm getting close to the two year mark, y'all! (also, I do very occasionally say "y'all".  and yesterday I said a word and the friend I was with cracked up and told me I sounded like an American!  Good thing I have that dual citizenship to make it legit for me to sound that way!)
2. Being the first to dip into a new jar of peanut butter, ruining that perfect smooth finish with a big knife full of yummy goodness
3. A postponement that gave me a bit of much needed time to breathe this morning
4. moments of quiet thought
5. google reader on my iphone
6. Arepas - a traditional Colombian dish that a friend taught me to make today.  
7. Cuddling a three month old baby (pictures coming tomorrow!)
8. a great, wide-ranging conversation with a very dear friend - probably the only friend who I can have that sort of conversation with who lives locally.
9. we ended up having a laid back night at house church too, just hanging out because only a couple people showed up, and calling it a night early.  That was so great for me too.
10. I finished up one of my term projects and it feels great!  It's ready for submission tomorrow morning, and I'm gearing up for the next one that is due on Monday.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 202

Today is one of those days where I can't believe I've made a daily practice of listing at least 5 moments that made me smile, or for which I was thankful, into something that has lasted so long.  One year and two hundred and two days.  It's one of those days where I'm struck by the slow changes this practice has wrought in me.  It's a day where, honestly, I was exhausted and drained, and spent various chunks of time working to fight off random spats of tears.  But it was a day that held beauty, in which I reached often for my phone and jotted items to add to tonight's list.

And so, here's today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 202 days of making these lists
2. coconut scented body butter, slathered on my legs after a shower.  On a day when I was longing for sun and palm trees, this was sort of a breath of hope.  A scent reminding me of summer.
3. whole wheat toast with butter and jam
4. a quiet Sunday morning, home alone
5. One last chance to spend time with L. before she gets on a plane for other continents, literally completing a trip 'round the world over the last four months.
6. Shopping with J and L, my former roommates and laughing together, enjoying the comfortable familiarity of those who have lived together and know each other's habits well
7. I finally purchased a rack for my collection of earrings, and I'm super excited about it.  It's pretty and cute, and I can't wait to get home tomorrow evening, sort through my collection and add them to the rack.  I took before (and will take after) pictures to share.  I wasn't planning to buy anything today, but I've been looking for a way to visibly display my earrings for literally years, and when I came upon this one that was both cute and reasonably priced, J and L, who have been on many a shopping trip with me where I've pondered options, convinced me that I couldn't afford to walk away.  I'm so glad they talked me into it!
8. catching up on blog reading - google reader has revolutionized my blog reading, and I'm loving that they're all in one place, just waiting for me
9. watching The Food Network, both on television, and online today.  Absolutely my favorite background for sitting to read, write, or otherwise putter.
10. Anthropologie - new to Canada, or at least to Calgary, but so pretty, and full of inspiration, even if I will never really afford anything there.  We spent a long time wandering around in there, fingering clothes, sitting in furniture, exclaiming over pretty things and fun ideas, and smelling candles (our favorite was a mango jasmine scented one).  I walked away feeling separated from the greyness of March in Calgary, and inspired to create something beautiful.  Not bad for a free pastime!

High Tea and Hotsprings

I thought I'd share a few photos of the time I spent with one of "my people" the other day.

We had two very specific things on our agenda, and everything else we fit was just a bonus.

We were going to have afternoon high tea at the Banff Springs Hotel, and we were going to visit the Banff Hot Springs.

The photos I have are all from high tea.  We didn't take any photos at the Hot Springs, because, well, why risk a very nice camera falling into the water for shots of my blindingly white skin that no one should have to see anyway!

This is us, enjoying our tea service.

One of the two varieties of tea we sampled.  I think this one was an apple spice tea.

The tea service.  It also included a cup of fresh fruit, and a fabulous scone.

The view out the window from where we sat to enjoy tea. Not bad, huh?

Because no trip together to Banff would be complete without a bit of a photo shoot.

Have I mentioned how much I love the mountains that I live near?

This is the Banff Springs Hotel where we had tea, from across the valley.

Pondering Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about friendship again the last few days.  It's been a fairly constant topic of re-evaluation for me over the last six months or so.  I've made decisions differently.  I've chosen to handle some relationships differently.  Reading Safe People (see my mini-review here) very much shaped my thoughts as well.

In the last couple of days I've had two very distinct experiences of this thing called friendship, and they've left me pondering and deeply appreciative of good friendships with healthy dynamics.

On Thursday I spent a day with one of "my people."  There was no pressure, no expectations, just lots of love and the freedom of a well-established relationship, with boundaries that have created safety and a place for us to simply be who we are.  It was pretty much my definition of "the perfect day."  We spent an entire day together in a beautiful location, doing things like taking photos and enjoying really fantastic food.  And we laughed and talked and laughed some more.  We covered topics as diverse as travel, arranged marriage, body image and weight loss/gain, future plans, god, friends and family, healthy relationships, and mountains.   We shared tea, and sat in the hot springs, and laughed at the goofy guys wearing their toques in the pool, fresh off the mountains from a day of skiing, based on their conversation on which we couldn't help but eavesdrop a bit.

I left the day feeling peaceful and happy, after interactions that were easy and natural, and reminded about what love is.

And so I'm pondering friendship again.  Savoring the comparative tastes, and learning to recognize the flavor of that which is good.  Reconsidering boundaries I've drawn, and wondering if some of them need to again be tightened.  I'm thinking about friendship and finding myself amazed at the things I'm discovering, about myself, and about my relationships as I pause to ponder.

My Person(s)

This scene from one of the first season's of Grey's Anatomy is sort of a classic:




"You're my person." It's that moment when the friendship was cemented into family.  Into the sort of thing where this is the person with whom you are most yourself.

Recently, as I was fumbling for words to describe a friendship to someone else, she, hearing my description, summed it up, "She's your person."  I had to laugh at this blatant reference to what she didn't even know was my favorite television show.  It was the perfect summation.

I have two persons.  Two people with whom I feel totally free to simply be.  The ones I know I can trust and lean on in the hard times, and the ones who I know will be the first to celebrate with me when the great times come.  They're the ones I email or text when I've had a great steak dinner, or come across something random that made me think of a moment we shared.  They're the ones I email with prayer requests, or funny quotes, or anything in between.  We talk about television shows, our families, about life and faith and travel and books.  And, since neither one lives in the same country as me (and one not even usually on the same continent as me), they're the ones I hang out with via Skype and phone calls.

Except today.  Today I am spending the day in the mountains with one of my people.  She's in town for a brief visit, and I commandeered her for an entire day.  We have some fabulous plans that I'll share later on in the day or maybe tomorrow.  Basically we're just going to enjoy spending an entire day in each others company.

In this case, since it is the person who is generally on a different continent, half-way around the world, I'm keenly aware that it will likely be several years before we get to see each other in person again, so my plan is simply to savor the moments.  To make some really fabulous memories doing a few new things, and some we've done often.  To take photos and laugh.  To talk about the important stuff that just hasn't quite fit into our phone calls or skype dates.  To just be. 

I'm so incredibly thankful for this chance to escape Calgary and spend some in person time with "my person".  And I can't wait to see what sorts of fun adventures and blessings our time together will hold!

Technological Friendships

Those of you who know me well, or who have been reading here for a while know that my closest friends are scattered around the planet.  It's a rather inconvenient way to conduct friendships, when you can't sit and sip tea together, and give and get hugs.  But, we make it work, thanks to technology.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking to one of my closest friend on skype.  We even had video.  Most of the time we can't be together in person, and, as we talked, we were actually experiencing two different days.  It was Thursday afternoon for me, and Friday morning for her.  But, thanks to skype, we shared a meal - I'd just finished lunch, and she was having a late breakfast, and we hung out and laughed for two hours or so.

And, one of the things we talked about was this - how thankful we are for technology and the way it allows us to maintain friendships.  We can email and know that the other is going to get the message the same day.  We can use text messages or facebook.  We can phone and skype and know that we'll have a decent connection - the ability to hear each other and maybe even see each other.

And I'm so thankful for that.

Thankful that I can share the day to day stuff of life with my dear ones who are so far away.

Thankful that I can quite literally have a coffee date with a friend on another continent.

Thankful that technology lets these far away people that I love stay in contact with me, and me with them.

It means a lot when your dearest ones are scattered primarily at great distances from you, to know that there is a way to stay more easily connected.

I'm thankful for it.

One Word 2010 Meets One Word 2011

I am already learning much about myself in this year with the one little word of heal.

I'm learning that healing is a pretty ugly process sometimes, hard and painful, but that it's one I don't have to walk alone.  That I need to give some of that to others, to make choices to let myself be carried.  (I'm also learning that I have way more of a problem with pride than I thought.  Even with those people who have some sense of the ugly parts of this journey, I hesitate to share the harder moments and days, not wanting to appear less than whole.)

I'm learning that if I hold on tightly, God sends lots of practice my way.  Almost a question, really, "Were you serious about healing?  What if it means walking through this? What about in this spot?  How long are you going to avoid that one?"  Lots and lots of practice, for which, to quote Susan, "I am alternately pissed off and grateful."

And I'm learning more about my one little word for 2010, that word that has become, I think, the overarching word for the rest of my life.  Story. 

I actually talked extensively about that word with someone the other day.  Someone who encouraged me that I am in fact finding my voice.  I'm learning to write my own story again, to not let anyone else author it.

Saturday night I watched the movie, The King's Speech and I was deeply struck by it.  I don't think I understood precisely which parts of my heart it so deeply touched until a friend posted on facebook that after seeing the movie, she spent the evening repeating to herself, "I have a voice."  I read that and was reminded of the conversation I'd had the day before - about finding my voice.  I was reminded that so much of my journey of story, and more so, so much of this journey of "heal" seems to be about precisely that - finding and trusting my own voice, not the voice that is expected of me by people around me, not the voice of others foisted upon me, but mine, the one that is mine, and that carries with it an understanding knowing of it's own story, as one that tells of a God who loves and heals and writes incredible stories.

Yes, I have friends who are trusted contributors and editors to my story (the bit from that last post I quoted from), but I'm discovering that I have the final say.  That it is mine and mine alone to value, and hear and live and to write.  I'm so thankful for the friends that have chosen to support me, to love me, to edit and contribute, but who also choose to hand me the pen, and remind me that this is mine to live and mine to write, and that it can and will be beautiful.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 158

To be honest, today was one of the harder days I've had in a long time.  A whole combination of factors just came together to make it the sort of day when no matter how hard I tried, feeling positive was mostly beyond my reach.  It was the sort of day when a lot of the items on the daily 5 list are there more because I'm making the conscious choice to be thankful for them, than because they brought true smiles.  It's not true of all the items, but it is true of several.  And that's okay.  It's kind of the point - to choose gratitude in those moments too.  To believe that it still shapes my heart when my heart hurts too much to notice that gentle shaping.

so, here's today's daily 5:

1. Glancing at my "wall of smiles" as I got dressed for the day this morning, and especially noticing a photo taken of my former roommate and I by a waitress at a Peruvian restaurant in Toronto about a year and a half ago.  That evening was a bizarre one in that we had picked up groceries after a day of touring and were planning to cook dinner for ourselves in the home of our hosts who were out for the evening.  We ended up being locked out of their apartment (a tricky lock) and unable to reach them to find out the trick to the lock.  So, we walked.  We stumbled across a Peruvian restaurant and given how Peru has been on my heart for most of my life, couldn't pass it up.  The food was fabulous, and we followed it up with a trip to the drug store to pick up a newspaper and a magazine, and an hour in a coffee shop, eating really decadent chocolate desserts and enjoying our respective reading materials.  We eventually heard from our hosts, and got into the tricky apartment door.  What stands out for me is how relaxed I was - we were in a strange city, locked out, with a complete change of plans - all things that would stress me out.  Instead, I was very relaxed, we laughed, went on a sort of God adventure that culminated in a great evening and a great memory.  One that was especially nice to start out my day with today, given how the rest of it went.
2. starting to have a bit of a morning routine for the days that I have classes
3. making two different very tight bus connections today
4. finally beating a level on Angry Birds that I'd been stuck on for ages
5. eating an Almond Joy bar on the bus on the way home from a challenging appointment
6. stopping to pick up my version of comfort food - Vietnamese take out for supper tonight
7. helpful customer service when I had a problem with accessing some online banking tonight
8. a friend who knew what kind of day I was having and knew that I'd likely need to laugh quite badly and obliged by sending a whole slew of very snarky emails that succeeded in the nearly impossible task of getting me to grin on the bus after my very challenging day and appointment
9. getting a fun email thanking me for a package I sent as part of my goal to send "real" mail to people at least twice a month this year
10. getting notification that my student loan has gone through.  the amount isn't great, but it will suffice for now.  Now I just sign the forms and wait for the cheque to arrive.

Thursday Thoughts

I don't have classes on Thursdays, a fact I appreciate as time to recover, and do homework, and simply catch my breath.

I started this morning almost as early as days with classes, though, because I needed to catch a bus to meet a friend for tea.

The way in which I met this friend still makes me laugh - at a very unlikely event, one that God quite literally dragged me to, making my attendance unavoidable.  I wanted nothing so much as to not attend, but ended up attending and meeting a friend with whom I share many unexpected commonalities.

We don't see each other often, and our friendship is still very much in the getting to know each other phase, but the conversations are always challenging and inspiring, usually over starbucks.  This morning was no exception, and I left feeling encouraged and so thankful for this unlikely friendship, today.

Last night I took a 90 minute warm (as opposed to hot - the room is only heated to 25 C instead of 39 C) yoga class.  Yoga was one of the things we talked about over coffee this morning.  We share a mutual hatred of exercise and have both recently begun taking yoga classes and discovered that not only do we not hate it, but we actually enjoy it.

A conversation that spanned family, Spanish, missions, yoga, food, travel, life, health, self-care and faith is, well, perhaps broad and unusual in my experience, but is also pretty much my idea of heaven and I'm quite delighted to have started this day off like that.

And now, I'm off to tackle homework and some to do list tasks before house church tonight.  I'll be back later with the daily 5!

Reverb 10: Day 25 - Photo

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

(Author: Tracey Clark)

I spent a few minutes scrolling through photos from the last year and realized that this was definitely a year where I spent a lot more time behind the camera than in front of it.  Since I find photography therapeutic, that's not really all that surprising, but it does make it interesting to try to find an image that best captures me from within the past year.

I narrowed it down to these three images.

A dear friend who I met in person because of this blog took the first shot.  It's taken at the beach at Coronado, and I love the smile that I'm wearing.  It's a smile that reflects the fact that I was resting, that this trip was an escape, to find joy and to pray.  I love the ocean and being near the ocean on a sunny day in early fall was just about perfect.  I also love that I'm wearing a scarf in this photo.  I wear them most days, and almost all of my scarves have a meaning or a place attached to them.  That particular scarf was a gift for my 27th birthday, and was purchased in Germany and mailed to me from the Czech Republic by my dear friend and former roommate, L.

The second photo was a self-portrait, taken in either Bragg Creek or Kananaskis, on a late fall day.  I was out hiking with my mom and her cousin, and I was happy.  I love being in the mountains, and as I recall, that day was particularly lovely.

The third portrait is also from California, and was taken by a mutual friend of myself and the other LP/CA, the friend I flew to California to meet.  I love that this photo shows a friendship that has been full of laughter, and that it showcases some very happy memories.  That particular day we attended a Moroccan Tea, and that tea is one of my favorite memories from that trip.