Day Off

Today was my day off. I worked the last six straight days, and today was my one day off. I'm off again on Saturday, because I took the day off to attend a good friend's wedding.

I love lazy days off with no particular agenda. I did a couple errands by myself this morning, and a couple more with my mom. I spent a half hour or so reading in my back yard, soaking up the sun. I would have spent longer, but I have this ridiculously pale skin that is slightly pink after only thirty minutes and would be painfully red after any greater length of time. I did some reading in the bathtub, and some cleaning in my bedroom. I helped chop vegetables to be grilled with our supper. This is the best kind of day in my opinion.

Lots of time to just be, and lots of time to simply think.

Here's what I've been thinking about today. It seems that the new things God is doing in my life would require a completely different personality than my own. I keep asking Him if He meant to pick someone different for the things He's asking of me.

I got an email today that challenged me. A new friend was responding to some questions and concerns I'd sent to him last week. He suggested once again that I speak of my concerns in a corporate setting, that I speak clearly about the things on my heart and see what God does. I really think that God meant for someone else to do this. Yes, I've been stepping out in a lot of new ways this last while. But I've got to be honest - I don't like tension or confrontation all that much. In fact, I'd much rather avoid them completely. And I definitely don't like anything that draws attention to myself. I feel inadequate - uncertain that the things that I am experiencing as concerns, the things I feel that God has revealed to me are things that I am qualified to speak to. Or even things that are acceptable to be feeling. Maybe they aren't God?

The Holy Spirit confuses me. I don't understand at all the things He seems to be doing in my life. I don't understand this place I find myself in. I'm not necessarily all that upset about a lack of understanding - more that there seems to be so little clarity - so many shades of gray. I find myself begging for Him to release me from certain situations - to give me the freedom to move on to new things alongside some friends, and yet, He hasn't released me. And so I continue to live in this place of tension. I'm not so good at discerning His voice. It confuses me that my dream life is open to both the Spirit of God, and to attack from the enemy. It confuses me that this following God thing seems so easy for some, and so conflict ridden for me. I wonder how to scripturally defend the new things I have experienced with God over the last months. More importantly, I'm wondering how or if I even should explain them to my parents and brothers. I feel at times very alone. I don't know who to ask these questions about the Spirit of God, who to wrestle through my struggles with my church with. I need to process verbally - I am very auditory, and yet I don't know who would be safe to sit and have these sorts of conversations with.

But, despite what would seem to be very angst ridden thoughts, this has been a relaxing day off. Tonight is house church, and that always increases the angst for a while, but I fully intend to go, to look to receive from Christ, and then to come home, to sleep, and to start the rest of my week off tomorrow.