Conglomeration of Thoughts

I have a collection of random things on my mind tonight, in no particular order.

I'm done. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. (Mom, if you're reading this, that is definitely the right word to describe how I'm feeling. Sorry.) I just keep thinking that there has to be something better than this. There has to be a better way to approach life than this heaviness. I'm at the point where I would quite gladly give up on faith. I go to church and Bible study more for the social interaction these days than anything else. I have good friends there - people who care - the one bright spot in my life.

My mind is numb. I had a nasty night of sleep again last night, woke up every couple of hours, restless and unsure. I came home from a day out, and wanted to cry my eyes out but the tears wouldn't come. I worked hard today to numb my mind. I watched something like 6 hours of Friends on DVD. A friend lent me the first season, and it was a perfect mind candy - a way to avoid the hurts that crowded in during the night and as soon as I rose this morning.

My real beef is this - no matter how hard I work to numb my brain, as soon as the activity stops, the pain is back. So, I'm sitting here in front of my computer trying to empty some of the pain instead of just numbing it.

I went out to hand out food on the streets downtown last night after church. Interesting experience that I haven't quite processed yet. It hit me as we left, that my uncle is so very like some of the people we were feeding. In the last couple of years he's spent more time living in his van on the streets than anywhere else. He suffers from a mental illness, has lived occasionally with family members, and has been occasionally hospitalized, but has mostly lived in his van on the streets of various cities. I hurt for these people, but at the same time am desperately uncomfortable around them. I don't know yet if I'll go back out in the coming weeks.

There was one man, obviously affected mentally by the harsh lifestyle of the streets, by drug use, by something. We couldn't do anything but feed him, and pray for him. A friend asked me to pray, and I couldn't.

I couldn't pray. I'm not really on speaking terms with God at the moment. I am so angry with him, so tired of being disappointed by him. I can't pray anything other than my anger. I want to pray for friends, but at the same time question the point. Why set them up for the same disappointment that I've been experiencing? Why bother praying to a God who intervenes rarely, and seemingly in the lives of only a chosen few?

And why does God do that? Why does he work for some people and ignore others? Why do some people I know hear God so easily, while for others he is eternally silent? I know the cliche answer - the footprints poem answer. That it is in the times God seems most silent that he is carrying me. Well, good for him, but I'd be happy to walk if it meant that he'd just speak a word of encouragement - something to give me a reason to keep walking.

I hate all this anger. I miss having a loving relationship with God. I hate that I'm jealous of some dear friends because God speaks more readily to them than me. I hate how isolated I feel right now.

And one last thought - I can't handle the song "His Banner Over Me is Love" right now. It has that one line, that seems like it stabs me every time I hear it. "You do all things well, just look at our lives." If I was looking around for an example of something that God was doing well right now, my life would not be the place I would start. My life is a mess - it is not something anyone is doing well right now. (Least of all me). Nature is something God is doing well - my life is not.

At the same time, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know (with all my born and raised in the church knowledge) that I don't see that whole picture. I continue to believe that God is sovereignly in control. But right now, those thoughts don't offer a great deal of comfort.