The Questions I Would Ask...

I don’t have a “mentor” figure in my life right now. At least not one in the same city as me – not one I can call up and ask if they’d like to have coffee. Not one where I can easily pick their brains. I’m blessed with fantastic friends, who are teaching me about the new things I have begun to walk into, but I find myself longing for someone a little further along the journey, someone who can answer questions, and give wisdom, and assure me that I haven’t gone insane!

If I had that mentor figure, these are the things I would ask right now (in no apparent order):

• Does this ever get easier? I mean, I’ve been consciously trying to pursue God’s calling on my life since November 1st. That’s just about 3 months now. Yes, I did it in fits and starts at various times over the years, but there’s something different this time, something I can’t quite put my finger on. And it’s difficult – I’ve lost sleep, I’ve changed plans dozens of times to respond to crises, I’ve been stretched beyond my limits and my wisdom more times than anyone could count, and I’m wondering if it get easier to hear God and follow that calling?
• How do I create boundaries in my relationship with the friend that God has called me to care for? How do you create boundaries in a relationship where it has taken months of around the clock availability for her to begin to believe that I care and won’t abandon her like so many others have? When the trust is that tenuous, how do I create space to protect my own heart and mind?
• How do I reconcile my very conservative church girl past with the charismatic experiences I’ve had over the past months – with the dreams, with seeing things, and hearing things? I didn’t even really believe these things existed a few months ago, and now they’re part of the reality of my life and story, and I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I don’t know how to take the person I always thought I was, and integrate her with the person I seem to be becoming.
• How do I know what is God, and what is me? How do I know when the words coming from my lips are his, or when it’s me? How do I know if that sense that I have something to speak – to add to a conversation is just my need to be noticed, or if it’s God prompting my heart.
• How do I handle the woundedness in my own life, while caring for others with far greater wounds? Because I’m hurting – and those wounds were a large part of what left me struggling with depression for the last several years. Where do I look for healing?
  How do I overcome the fear that has dogged my steps for so many years?
• Does it get easier to hear the voice of God?
• Can God use an introvert? Because the only charismatic people I seem to know are not introverts – they’re all outgoing, comfortable speaking and sharing what God has laid on their hearts.
• How do I know the specifics of what God is calling me to? Should I become a pastor, or a counsellor? How do I make that decision as I begin to check into options for further schooling?
• And last but not least… should I even bother looking for answers to some of these questions? Is my need to answer these things normal? Or should I just live with the mystery or some such “spiritual” description?

Integrating

I wrote a really great post this morning, about this topic, and then my computer betrayed me, and internet explorer had an error, and I lost it all. Nasty.

I woke up this morning with the realization that this has not been a good week for the integration of my spiritual life with the realities of day to day living. Some weeks that process seems to go quite smoothly - to flow naturally. This has not been one of those weeks. I've felt like I'm living in a million tiny spheres of life, and trying to protect each sphere from infringing on the others.

Lack of integration for me means avoidance. This week has been about avoidance. I wanted to avoid the anger at my friend's decision to endanger her life by getting in a car driven by a drunk driver. I wanted to avoid the grief of knowing a beautiful three year old named Rachel died of malaria unexpectedly. I wanted to avoid the fear of cutbacks surrounding my work situation. I wanted to avoid my own exhaustion and frustration with a number of situations in my personal life.

Because if I avoided the anger, then I didn't have to make a decision on the next step to take in caring for my friend. I didn't have to face the fact that I am living out the calling of God on my life, and it seems to make very little difference in the life of the person He has called me to care for. If I avoided the grief, then I didn't have to think about the thousands of children who die every day from starvation, lack of clean water and so on. I didn't have to think about how huge an issue it is, and how futile the tiny little steps I have taken seemed to be. If I avoided the fear, I didn't have to make decisions about my job. If I avoided the exhaustion and frustration I didn't have to admit how messy my life has become again.

And so, I have purposely avoided integrating the various aspects of life. And it has left me more tired and frustrated, not less. And I woke with the realization this morning that this strategy was not only not working, it was not true to the commitments I've made to set my life before God with open hands, to serve with open hands, to allow Him to work in whatever way He chooses.

I woke with the following lyric by Heather Clark running through my head, softly, like a breathy reminder of the presence of the God I have tried to avoid this week, and particularly the lines that I have made bold played over - an invitation to God, asking Him to bring restoration.

I have come to greet the King
I’ve come to give myself in total abandonment
I’ve come to lay down all that holds me back from You
I’ve come to lay down all that holds You back from me
So come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day
Come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day