I love...

This is one of those "things that make me smile" type posts, because, after a long four day weekend of introspection, and facing some of the harder things in my life right now, I needed to remind myself about some of the beautiful ones. So I used one of the journalling prompts from Kim McMechan's seminar a couple weeks ago, and this is what I came up with. Rather than titling it "Things that make me smile", this is simply a list that begins, "I love..."

I Love…

• The flicker of candles in my darkened bedroom

• The convenience of my laptop computer
• Hot pink crocs
• Trident peppermint gum (in the dark blue package)
• Steve Bell’s song “Restless”
• The prospect of lunch dates with various friends this week
• The wavy ikea mirror that hangs on my wall
• The crucifix on my wall from my trip to Mexico – it reflects the tenderness of Jesus, even as he hangs on the cross and suffers. A tender, suffering Savior.
• Chocolate crème oreos
• Having all my books neatly organized on shelves.
• Passion tea from starbucks
• The warm relaxed feeling after a long, hot, bubble bath
• My hair on a really good curly day
• Cute shoes
• Milk chocolate
• Photos of friends and family all over my bedroom
• Art that has hidden meanings (even if only I know what they are)
• Curling up with a novel and losing myself in it
• Stumbling upon a writing that is breathtaking in its beauty
• Laughing with friends
• Really good emails
• Encouragement from friends
• Praying with people who know my heart
• Time spent with Kari
• Dinner and movie dates with Megan
• Hearing someone’s redemption story
• Watching M*A*S*H*
• Particularly idealistic characters
• Making beautiful things
• Turkey breast subs from Subway, on wheat, with lettuce, cucumber, sweet onion sauce, mayo and sub sauce
• BBQ Pork Vietnamese noodle bowls
• Cold, refreshing water
• Hiking Ptarmigan cirque early in the spring when no one is there yet, and you can really enjoy the beauty of the mountain peace
• Sharing the things I love with friends
• Knowing I’ve connected with someone, and eased their burden, if only temporarily
• Rooibos tea
• Any particularly cosy piece of clothing
• Coming home from work and putting on jeans and a hoody
• Encountering Jesus in the really surprising moments
• The Gospel of Mark

I guess I'll just be restless...

I've been thinking more since I wrote yesterday. I've had a song called "Restless" by Steve Bell floating around my brain for the last couple of days. (If you don't know Steve Bell, he's a fabulous Canadian singer/songwriter from Winnipeg. Part mystic, part theologian, a fantastic story-teller, and master of the art of lament.)

I was chatting with Kari and Steve for a few minutes about that last bit - the lament bit - at the conference my company hosted last weekend. I'd met Steve a number of times in the past, and when we started looking for suitable entertainment for 300 Mennonites, he came to mind. It went great. But, as I was saying, since we were chatting about lament, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you to Steve for talking openly about the need for laments in the church, and for writing so many fantastic songs that express lament. His music was some of the only "Christian" music I listened to during all of those years of depression.

I particularly listened to the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post, off of the "Waiting for Aidan" album (my personal favorite, for so many darker emotions that I deeply related to at various points, as well as the offered hope.) Through those years of depression, of wanting to die, but knowing I could never act on that; of begging God to simply release me - from life, from any committment to him, since it had been so painful, I identified with these words that Steve penned. They came back again yesterday morning, as we were driving to church, and again last night as I headed out to see a movie, and yet again off and on all day today. Particularly this line:

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

This is how I felt yesterday, as I headed to church to prepare to celebrate the risen Christ. I wondered where he was, why, on this day of all days, I couldn't seem to summon the hope and joy that the day was supposed to entail. Why I couldn't seem to find direction for my future.

I'll give you the whole lyric now... I can't help longing. So I guess I'll just be restless till He satisfies me.

Restless
(music and lyrics by Steve Bell)

Blest are the departed
The repose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Wretched are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Scanning the clouds for some sign of your face
Maybe the whole thing is folly
Like waiting for Eden to rise from the lake
But I can't help longing

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Blest are the departed
The respose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Waiting are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me
So I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me.