Mismatched

Do you ever have days where your insides just don't match your outsides, or am I the only one?

I'm having that kind of day today.

For the first time in a while, I feel like I look good, and it was an effortless fluke.

I'm wearing clothes I love, a great scarf and earrings, and somehow, even though all I did was shower and then finger comb my hair back into a ponytail on my way out the door, even that is working for me today.  I feel pretty, and pulled together on the outside anyway.

Inside?  Totally a neurotic mess.

I'm obsessing over a decision I have to make, and a maybe even a few I have already made.

I've worried about some health stuff.

I've spent quite a bit of time dealing with a minor computer disaster that happened late Thursday night which may still result in the loss of all the photos I've taken in the last five years, and a good chunk of my music library.

I look good on the outside (which, by the way, is totally a feeling that I'm celebrating!) but I'm totally a mess on the inside, and I'm thinking about the way that inside and outside don't often seem to match. 

I'm okay, I really am, just pondering the juxtaposition of moods and experiences going on in me today.

So tell me, am I the only one who often feels mismatched?

How You Doin'?

I watched a re-run of Friends yesterday, an old episode where Joey is coaching Rachel on how to ask a member of the opposite sex for a date.  His advice was something along the lines of "I just look a girl up and down and go 'How you doin'?'"

I laughed at it yesterday and thought of it today when a friend sent an email asking how I was.

I replied honestly that it has been a "mostly okay" day.

A few minutes after I replied I got a phone call that heightened an uncertainty, a "don't borrow trouble" moment that I'd been working hard to set aside.

And it reminded that this is my reality too.

That right now, even the good, or "mostly okay" days, have the potential to become unbalanced in moments.

I preface any conversation that has even the potential to be emotional (positively or not so much) these days with "Everything makes me cry right now, just ignore the tears."

I've discovered that when that downward swing hits, sometimes it lasts and sometimes I can corral it back into submission.

I've learned that exercising just as that swing hits can sometimes lead to successful corralling of it.  It just means I have to push through the onslaught of the downward swinging mood, and the fact that I hate to exercise.  Even yoga.  I rarely regret the exercise once I've done it, but I wouldn't ever say I enjoyed it (unless we're talking about say, a day walking all over a zoo, or a theme park, or the city with friends).

And I'm learning to trust that this weird emotional place I'm existing in won't last forever.  That as I heal and piece my life together again, it will pass.  And in the meantime, don't mind me - everything makes me cry these days!

Wilderness or Battle: Tired of the Long Way

The weekend was brutal.  Really, the last two or three weeks have been brutal, but I haven't known how to describe them.

I still don't have words, really.

I'm sick today.  Most likely from stress, and a hangover of the many tears shed the last few days.

I had a brutal nightmare this morning at 4 am.

A vivid combination of processing some of the many hard emotions of the weekend, and the blatantly demonic.

At least I was able to fall back asleep for a while after this one.

I'm dealing with a particular icky manifestation of some of what had gone on in the past.

A manifestation that I thought gone, rather permanently.

And life is broken.

Because the weekend was rough, there aren't posts scheduled for this week.  Maybe I'll get to that, but I might not.  It might just have to be a sporadic blogging sort of week.

My heart aches.

I found myself thinking this morning about a post I wrote quite a while back, now. 

I talked about the Dixie Chicks song, "The Long Way Around".

I'm tired of taking the long way, today.  I'm tired of the journey of healing not being instantaneous.  My head reminds me that it usually isn't, that this is not unusual, and that I will walk through this, one step after another, if I can only just manage to keep walking.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

It's actually been close to three years now, since the events that started some of the crashing in of my world.

And in my more generous moments, I can choose to see all the beauty that has also occurred in those three years.

Or to see the beginning of that crashing in as beginning the journey of healing.

In my more generous and faith and hope-filled moments.

The rest of the time (and even in some of those generous moments)?  I'm tired of taking the long way.

I read these rather telling verses in Exodus the other day, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land.  God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their mind and return to Egypt.  So God let them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea."  (Exodus 13:17-18)

"If they're faced with a battle they might change their mind."  He gave them a wilderness instead of a battle.  It doesn't seem like a better option, really.  And granted, the children of Israel aren't exactly known for their happy and compliant spirits. 

I'm tired of the long way.  But I'm not sure that I prefer the battle that seems to be the other option.  And so I find myself, standing, feeling somewhat paralyzed, as I wait to figure what step comes next.

Waves

Emotions seem to come in waves at the moment.

They came that way all weekend.

Anger.

Despair.

Compassion.

Hatred.

Worry.

I received some very unsettling news on Friday evening, and a clarification (sort of) of that news on Saturday.  News that will likely have a drastic impact on my life in coming days.  I can't share it yet, but will as it becomes more clear.

This morning I'm feeling a bit tossed around by the waves.

Last night there was deep compassion for some of those involved.

Today there is anger, that all of this can be happening in the first place.  That things have come to this.

And so, I pray and wait.

I try to let the more positive waves carry me, and push the dark and heavy ones far from me.

And even in this I choose.

And in these moments when I again really feel as if I'm sinking, I remember the quote from Kelle Hampton that I posted on the weekend, "Every time I begin to sink, I remind myself that I am a rockstar. And rockstars know that life is beautiful. Life has challenges. Life teaches you things. And life is all how you look at it." (Kelle Hampton)

I'm a rockstar.

I can do even this.

Melancholy Day

This has definitely been the sort of distractable "weird intercessor space" kind of day.

Susan wrote this on her blog this morning, "Strangely, I can be "not okay" and grateful at the same time."  I know how that feels.  Today especially.

A bit of melancholy as I ponder having said another goodbye.  (I know it was inevitable this time, since she was never from here, but what is it with friends of mine being so very far away?)

A bit of fear as I work through some things in regards to my living situation at present.  And as I wonder about boundaries, and how they apply when the person you're trying to set them with is past the age of 80.

A bit of anticipation as I look forward to joining new friends for house church tonight, and one new friend for dinner or coffee beforehand, since she generously offered me a ride.

A bit of sadness and longing as I consider and pray for the concerns of some that are very dear to my heart.  As I long to see healing and rest and restoration brough to fruition in their lives and mine.

And yet, I'm grateful too.

A Deep Sadness (I don't know what to say)

I’ve been thinking all morning about what I want to say here today.

This has been a particularly hard day. They happen. You wake up, and you just know that the day is going to be a long and heavy one. If you’re fortunate, you find a way for the “funk” to lift a bit as the day goes on, and make normal functioning an easier proposition.

If you’re lucky, you have a moment like I did, over your lunch hour, where, for a few minutes, something punches through and lets you laugh. In my case it was laughing at our bookkeeper, who was nearly choking from laughing so hard at a goofy joke someone told. (the joke? Okay, you did ask! Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broomsticks!) Four of us sat there laughing, some with tears streaming down their faces. (I think it was one of those moments where you kind of had to be there to fully appreciate it, but it did bring a much needed brief reprieve from the weight that has settled so heavily upon me again today.)

I woke deeply sad, deeply exhausted, deeply unsettled.

I dreamt last night that I was watching someone pour themselves into something. Investing time, money, and much emotion into something they cared deeply about and being rejected at every turn. I kind of feel like that in some spheres of my life this last while.

I had a rather emotional conversation with my boss, at her request this morning. I guess the emotions weren’t really at her request, but the conversation was. She asked me if my depression was returning. I gave her an honest answer, one I’m not sure she knew what to do with, but an honest one nonetheless.

Tears are leaking out of me again today, at the most inopportune of moments. Talking with a friend, and again with my boss.

I wish the sobs would release. It’s been probably five years since I was able to truly sob the emotions that needed to be released. I need to be able to sob again.

I told a friend this morning that I just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and stay there until one of two things happens. That I wake up in heaven, or that Jesus comes to heal and restore. At this point I honestly don’t know which of the two options I’d prefer. I think I might be in that ball on the floor for a long time.

I'm asking the Lord to send spiritual friends and counsellors. I have many, but most live far away. I need people in my own city, with whom it is safe to be wholly me, without masks. The person with whom that is presently most safe, most possible, lives across the country from me.

I could use a hug today.

I don't know what to say. There are thousands of words, and there are equally none. Perhaps, over tea I could find the words, but for now, I just can't find words to write.

The Long Way...

I have to be in just the right mood to listen to the Dixie Chicks. I love country music, but I find the attitude of the "chicks" oddly abrasive most of the time. If I am in one of two moods, though, I crave certain songs of theirs.

If I am defiantly joyful about life choices.

If I am feeling oddly insecure and bittersweet about those same choices.

I'm feeling the latter today.

Wondering why my life path looks the way it does just presently. Wishing that "conventional" had been a bit more in the cards, particularly when it comes to my spiritual life.

So today, I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks. "Taking the Long Way Around". I'm particularly caught by the last stanza, the line "it can get pretty lonely when you show yourself". I'm there right now. My life exposed and open in some ways. I have some deeper relationships, with God and dear friends than I've ever had, and I'm lonelier, more exhausted, and angrier than I've ever been at exactly the same time. The only one I've ever been good at following is Jesus (and I'm not even that good at that) and following Him has been anything but conventional... leading of course to the odd hodge-podge of emotions I'm experiencing these days.

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

Leaning In

Some thoughts from an email to a friend, and my journal, describing the experience of last evening:

I'd felt strongly all day that I really needed to make the effort to go to Centre Street tonight, to hear my brother’s choir, and for worship and whatever... almost didn't... after church this morning I slept for much of the afternoon on the couch, in and out of consciousness... so exhausted... but decided to go.

glad I did. I needed to be in that space. to be alone. to be someplace anonymous and let the music simply wash over me. to enter into worship (not completely freely but to at least enter in with my heart and begin to hear Jesus a little)... I needed to hear the sermon that the interim president of the college preached. I needed several pieces of my day to come together and make sense just a little. And I needed to talk with T. driving home, and have him "see" me in the midst of the messy and painful space I've been occupying these last months, and particularly this last week.

The sermon was from Acts 16 - where Paul and Silas are directed in a dream to go to Macedonia, and they land in Philippi, and then Paul casts the demon from the servant girl, and lands them ultimately in court, and then beaten and jailed. The challenge the speaker gave was to recognize these "interruptions" as things to lean into. God sent them to Macedonia through a dream. They went in obedience, and then they landed in jail. And in the midst of that, a jailer, his family, and many others were saved.

The speaker quoted someone (I missed the name) who said something like the following, "our spiritual life is always a frontier and we who live it must accept and rejoice that it remains untamed." Ouch. Not so much a fan of the untamed lately.

Anyway, came home and talked with Jesus for quite a while, and did some journalling... wrote the following:

I needed to hear the sermon tonight. I needed the reminder of the sudden change of direction that landed Paul and Silas in jail after they heard from the Lord so clearly to go to Macedonia, and after they did what would have seemed to be a good thing by casting the demon out of the girl. I needed the reminder to "lean into" the "frontier" experiences.

My tendency has been a bit to resent the havoc that has been wreaked in my life, and in so many relationships, by certain events in this season, despite the fact that I knew so clearly from the Lord that He'd directed me to be a part of them. It has been hard to trust the Lord to work things of beauty out of the midst of this experience. I have fought against the experience instead of leaning into it. I am being reminded on a regular basis at the moment of how truly bad I am at trust and surrender.

It's what Jesus was saying to me so incessantly in Jasper last weekend too, "My word does not return empty. Trust me. Rest in me. I sent you out and I will honor your obedience."

I can't see past this, or through it.

I taught a Sunday school lesson this morning on Judas' betrayal and Peter's denial. I am not a person who trusts easily, and it was a huge challenge to trust and be obedient to what the Lord was asking of me and I've felt a sense of betrayal as things have been so very difficult. At the same time, I've been guilty of a denial of Christ. Of denying my commitment to trust Him. Of denying that He will work in the ugly spaces - that He will give beauty for ashes, that His word will prosper, and won't return empty.

I was just looking a bit further in the Paul and Silas story that was preached tonight, and this line caught my attention, "Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds..." There is something hopeful to me in that. There is something hopeful in the idea that the man who imprisoned and was responsible for beating them had his heart so changed that he "cared for them and washed their wounds."

I started this morning sitting in a service at Hope for Life, and reflecting on the lines to the old hymn, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" that go, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face..." I was thinking about seeing Jesus in a powerful dream last fall, and being unable/unwilling to look Him in the eyes.

Eye contact is not something I do lightly. It is always carefully considered, and I only meet the eyes of those whom I trust deeply for more than a moment. I hide my eyes quite deliberately, because to allow others to see into them makes me feel vulnerable and afraid.

I couldn't meet His eyes. But I want to.

I've sat here, confessing my denial, my lack of trust, and asking to start again. To enter His presence and show Him my eyes, even as filled with pain and tears as they've been lately. I want to meet His eyes, because I think that He is offering me comfort and healing there. A promise I can trust in the midst of my pain and confusion. Beauty for ashes. That his word will prosper and not return empty. That He really will hold me. That He really does love me. That I truly do belong to Him. That my heart, my life is safe in His hands. That in His presence there is freedom and healing and all my fears really are washed away.

Welcome each visitor...

Two quotes and a link. My own thoughts are just not fitting for public consumption. I've laid on the couch for nearly a full day. I'm feeling slightly more rested, and but still deeply sad and exhausted. Tomorrow morning I'll go back to work and start again. This is a season of breaking, of shattering, of wondering if wholeness will ever happen again, and do I really want it anyway? Of evaluating the high costs of various decisions. Of questions and elusive future possibilities. Of silence and oftentimes loneliness (even in the midst of crowds). Of fasting. Of thinking and praying and wondering and waiting. Of agonizing and weeping. Of opening my life to the thousand and one sorrows that surround me, and letting them change things in my heart. Of crying out to God in the desperate hope that he will hear and respond and send peace.

I'm going with my best friend to a panel discussion on genocide - in Rwanda and Darfur - in a few hours. We'll eat together first, and then listen, and once again I'm sure my heart will shatter.

So, two quotes and a link. That's all I can manage for public consumption.

Sara Miles describes a conversation soon after she'd become a Christian, with an old friend, where, as he shared the pain in his life, she recommended he pray. She writes:

"When you told me to pray," Jose would remember later, "it was incredibly earnest. You said prayer was like having this intense, profound longing that you just had to be with. That you put the longing in the hands of God, in a certain way. That it was important to be receptive to the unfulfilled, and not fill it or deny it."

I had to be receptive or go crazy - because even as I kept going to church, the questions raised by the experience only multiplied. Conversion was turning out to be quite far from the greeting-card moment promised by televangelists, when Jesus steps into your life, personally saves you, and becomes your lucky charm forever. Instead, it was socially and politically awkward, as well as profoundly confusing. I wasn't struck with any sudden conviction that I now understood the "truth." If anything, I was just crabbier, lonelier, and more destabilized.
(Sara Miles, "Take This Bread", pg. 70)

The poet Rumi writes:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival

A joy, a depression, a meannness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for
some new delight.

I first came across that poem a few years back, as the inspiration for this story, "The Crowded House".

To be receptive to the unfulfilled spaces and not fill or deny them, and to welcome each visitor, even if they're a crowd of sorrows. This is the space I am working to occupy.

Exhausted and Clouded Judgement

I'm completely spent again, and I can't really explain why. There's no particular reason, no particular thing that happened, I'm just spent, and I think tears are coming before the end of the night.

My judgement feels cloudy, my perspective warped. I'm tired, and nervous and over-emotional and over-thinking.

The fears are coming in hard and fast.

Funny how these sorts of nights happen.

I think I'm going to bed. Bed, a novel, maybe some tea. Then hopefully I'll sleep - the whole way through a night, preferably without dreaming.

I'm spent. And my judgement is clouded. I'm going to bed.

Subtle Shiver

This song has been playing through my head the last few days... can't quite explain it, the events, but here are some pictures, and the words that underlie them in my head...

Subtle Shiver (by Diana Pops, recorded by Steve and Sarah Bell on "Sons and Daughters")

As I walk through this field in the fall time
Leaves become a red carpet as I pass by
Don’t know why but the world’s in its prime right now

As I walk the prairie skies are vacant
Pick up stones the river hasn’t taken
The firefly that danced with the frost silently dies

I hear traces of old familiar songs
The cold wind blowing helps to rush me along
And here I found You in your glory
On that cold October morning
In this clearing by the river
I felt a subtle shiver
I know You waited for me

Every wave on the water it is dancing
Looks as though summer never happened
The trees o’er my head sway as the sky starts to blaze



I never thought that You’d give me a love song
Never saw it’s been here all along
I close my eyes to cover a tear
That’s made it down my cheek and now I hear
Your voice it speaks so soft and clear…
You’ve seen Me everywhere

Up and Down Day

When I finally settled in to pray yesterday, it was a very good thing. For an hour and a half or so I paced my home, and had a conversation with Jesus. We talked about a lot of things - about dreams, about promises he's made, about the things I've been struggling with lately, about the many fronts on which I've been encountering opposition in the last several weeks. I walked away at rest - peaceful in the things He spoke to me.

It's a lot easier to rest in those things when you're not at that moment in the midst of the opposition. That's the lesson I began to learn today. Work was horrendous. By noon I was feeling equally exhausted to the way I had felt going into the weekend. I left for a few minutes to collect myself, and came back to discover an email from a very dear friend inviting me to dinner with her tonight since she was coming into the city. I think that email got me through the rest of the day - the promise of relief and enjoyment with a friend.

Time with Kari was relieving. We talked and she managed to encourage me, maybe without even trying. I went into the rest of my evening with restored peace and energy.

Funny how that goes, and how perspective can be so quickly gained and lost.

I'm working to learn to rest and live in the promises of protection that God has spoken to me both personally and through dear friends. This morning as I woke, the Lord gave me a picture of myself being clothed in a cloak, having it wrapped around my body, and then a hood pulled up over my head. The comparison that came to mind is the invisibility cloak from the Harry Potter stories. An ability to walk unseen in enemy territory. I think Kirk said something about that to me on the weekend. I went to work with that assurance, but quickly lost sight of it in the face of the opposition and tensions that have become commonplace there in the last few weeks.

So tomorrow, I'll try again. Again to rest in the promises of the armour of God, in the promise spoken to me from Genesis that He will be my shield and my reward, in the words of Psalm 91. I'll wrap the cloak of His protection around me and walk unseen in enemy territory - and this time I'll work to remember that though I can see and hear the enemy, I cannot be harmed, my peace cannot be snatched from me, the lies cannot affect me.

Monday Morning thoughts

I've had a cup of tea, and half a litre of water this morning. A cookie (of the pre-packaged variety) and a muffin that my grandma baked for me.

In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!

It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.

The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.

I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.

I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.

However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.

A Grown-up sort of day...

This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.

One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.

There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!

There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.

A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.

And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.

It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.

Sad

I was just updating some things on my facebook page, and tried to update the emotion. I wanted it to say, "Lisa is feeling sad." Except, apparently in the world of facebook, emotions that are spelled with only 3 letters aren't emotions, so it says, "Lisa is feeling melancholy." This is an appropriate descriptor, if somewhat of an overkill from the simplicity I wanted.

I'm tired tonight, and a bit people overwhelmed. This has been a really intense week internally, and I'm feeling like I need a break. The break doesn't seem to be immediately forthcoming.

I'm feeling the wear and tear of some heavy things that came up over the weekend, that I'm not quite sure how to process and heal from.

I'm feeling the wear and tear of some decisions I quite willingly made about church, but often find myself second guessing.

I'm wondering why the friends who really challenge and inspire and encourage me in my walk with the Lord all live in other towns and cities, and how I can build more time with them into my life on a regular basis.

I'm going to bed. It's not a good idea to pontificate when I hit this level of exhaustion. Things just swirl around and around, and get grayer and more grim. Time to pull out for a while and try to sleep.

In the atmosphere

I’m feeling a strong pull inward today. Walking around the insides of my soul tentatively and taking stock. Figuring out what's going on. What's mine in there, and what isn't.

It’s been an odd twenty four hours.

I spent a significant chunk of time both Saturday and yesterday exploring something I hadn’t thought about in years, and beginning to figure out next steps in some areas of my life.

I came home from the mountains last night feeling stretched, but very peaceful. I had a strong sense of the hands of God working in some areas of my life, though very few answers to some of the questions I had been seeking answers for.

As I mentioned in a post last night, I came home to discover that my mom had been hospitalized for much of the day yesterday. I’m still waiting to hear how she’s doing today.

I woke this morning with a perfect peace. Something that’s been lacking these last few months. A strong awareness of the close presence of the Spirit. A solution on my heart for one of the situations I’d been praying about all weekend. My commute this morning was an extension of that peace – a prayerful journey as I talked with God about many things past and upcoming in my life.

I arrived at the office, and couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but knew that something was off.

I don’t usually pick up on the spiritual or emotional atmosphere of a place. I quite easily pick that up from people, but rarely from location.

This has been a weird morning. There is something heavy going on in the atmosphere of our building (or at least our floor), and people are feeling it. Several have commented to me that they are having “weird days” or “one of those days.”

A relative of two of my coworkers passed away over the weekend, and that is adding something to the atmosphere.

I have been experiencing emotions all morning that I know are not mine. Intense anger. A cold, hardness of spirit. Grief. Deep, longing sadness. I’m working at not absorbing these things. The sense of peace I woke with this morning gives me the assurance that these are not mine, and yet, they are seeking to undermine my peace, and my confidence in the things God spoke as I traveled to work this morning.

I think I’m going to leave the building for a bit on my lunch hour. I feel like I need to be outside. To release some stuff and come back restored and refreshed for the afternoon.

It seems an odd coincidence that the book I brought with me to read on the bus on the way home this afternoon is one that Kirk lent me several months back, and I’m just now finding time to begin to wade through. The title? “Listening Prayer.”

Hiding

I've been trying for days to come up with words for what I've been thinking and feeling lately. I can't yet. I'm completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Most of the time I feel like I'm just barely clinging to my sanity. Just talking about some of the stuff going on in my life in casual conversation is enough to bring me to tears. My whole body is tense and achy, and I'm wondering about the merits of many, many decisions I've made in recent moments. My stomach has rebelled, and I'm eating in tiny amounts, maybe once or twice a day (with some snacks thrown in to keep my blood sugar up.) The last two times I've spoken with my mom, (once on the phone, once in person) I've burst out sobbing and taken several minutes to stop. Fear is running rampant, and I'm not even sure how to fight it anymore.

I should probably take an evening off, but I may have to go somewhere to do that in a relaxing fashion, as sitting in my new house just makes me look at all the boxes that still need to be unpacked, the organizing that still needs to be done, and I can't sit with it all staring me in the face.

I'm clinging desperately to Jesus. He feels distant, and my peace seems long gone.

I'm working to find the positive and beautiful things in this, but right now I'm having a hard time seeing them.

At least I've talked to a couple people in the last few days who experienced similar things the first time they were out on their own. One friend admitted to me that she rang up a $100 plus dollar long distance bill the first week after she moved away to university.

So, eventually, I'll write everything down, it'll be cathartic, and I'll be free. For the moment, I'm hiding a little bit, even from myself.

Off-Kilter

This has been a very disgruntled, off-kilter, uncertain couple of weeks, and this morning I’m feeling the effects of that.

I drank a cup of tea (passion tea from Starbucks – one of my favorites) and that seems to be helping.

My head feels stuffy – full of cotton batting. My brain is functioning very slowly, and I feel like I'm existing from one sugar rush to the next.

I am fighting off numerous little physical ailments – mostly stress related.

Overnight the poplar trees birthed cotton into the air, and my normal spring and summer allergies have stepped into high gear.

I’m moving in just over a week, and haven’t started packing. Time to get on that I guess. (Though the very idea of that is stressful at this moment.)

My parents come home tomorrow. One of the great ironies of my life is that I find it very difficult to live in my parents home, and yet, I can’t wait for them to be home this time. Partly because of the number of stressful life events that have gone on in the three weeks they’ve been overseas.

Because my parents come home tomorrow, my evening will be spent cleaning our house. It’s not terrible, but lots of little things. We’ve had company using their bed while they’ve been away, so I have to wash their sheets. I need to wash the towels in the bathroom, clean our fridge, put the clean dishes away, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, and water the flower beds. I also need to clean my own space in preparation for packing and moving.

I’ve been hiding out in novels these last couple weeks. I think I’m on my fourth Harry Potter novel since a week ago today. Plus some other light reading and lots of mindless television in between.

I’m missing certain friends who are far away right now, and at the same time am kind of glad I don’t have to see them, as they tend to draw the honest things out of me, and the honest things in my life right now are pretty painful and ugly and fear-laced. They’re the reason I’ve been watching way more mindless television than normal and reading novels like they’re going out of style.

I’m having mood swings of immense proportions. From great excitement and jubilee to the pits of fear and exhaustion.

I’ve asked myself the “am I depressed” question with a lot more regularity these last two weeks.

I’ve worked to remind myself of the things that are beautiful, happy and good. It’s been hard to cling to them.

I’m hanging on to a promise that God gave to Abram in a vision – a promise that a friend prayed over me early this year, and that Jesus has confirmed over and over these last months. From this promise comes my tattoo idea (which is still being drawn.)

Genesis 15:1 – God’s Covenant with Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”

Something Died and Healing is Coming?

Sunday was an interesting day for me.

Those of you who know a bit about my journey this last while will know that I am struggling with some deep and somewhat harmful relational issues with my mom, and while I love her dearly, a day dedicated to talking about close relationships with mothers was somewhat trying.

On Sunday night I wrote a single line in my journal. "Something broke in me today." That was it. I was in the middle of a random conversation before church started, talking about a worship song the team was practicing in the background that I happen to dislike (hate would be a better word), and something snapped and died inside of me, and I started to weep, right in the middle of the conversation. (Not exactly the way to appear mentally stable!) Just like that, from one moment to the next, a season in my life came to an end. I'm not sure yet how that will pan out, what it means, what I'll do with it, but it's over. I wept twice more before the service was over - once while hiding at the back during the worship set, and once when someone I've known for a very long time, and have some level of trust with commented that I seemed down that day.

I watched a movie with my mom that night (great story, made me laugh, despite some plot gaps), but was still quite discouraged and worn down from the emotional nature of the day. I came upstairs after the movie ended, checked my email, and found a message from a dear friend. It was two sentences. "I love you. And I love your heart." I so desperately needed to hear that that day, when I was struggling so deeply with the way my heart was clashing against so many things in my immediate life. God's timing in my receiving that particular note was beautiful.

I wrote the following yesterday, as I reflected on the events of the weekend, and particularly on Sunday. I think it quite nicely sums up the present state of my life...

So, I'm back in the place of waiting, and wondering what comes next. There are some commitments that I need to honor for the remainder of this month, and for the month of June, before some things that have died in me can truly come to an end. There are great hopes and dreams for the time over the summer, for new things, new people, new places, new relationship with God and others. There is a growing urging to study and pray and meditate and write, to find some rhythms for my life. There is a sense of great discouragement, of grief and pain, of exhaustion, and even some anger. There is also a sense of great and ever growing hope.

I was reminded of a line from a Rita Springer song as I walked from the train to the office this morning, "I was made for war! I was made for battle, Lord!" I haven't felt up to the battle this last while, though I've been quite aware of it raging around me. I felt a sense of strength returning this morning, a hope for things to come, things worth doing battle for. A willingness to step in and really fight for the things I feel God speaking, not simply wait passively for them to arrive.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of a line from Scripture, "...My God shall supply all your needs..."

And one last line, from a Chris Tomlin song that God has repeatedly used to remind and encourage me this last while, "...I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing..."

Tuesday thoughts

This is one of those slightly foggy, off-balance kinds of days.

I had a strange encounter yesterday at lunch with an old man who had come to visit one of our employees. I don’t know why I told you that, other than that it sticks out in my mind as indicative of how the day went yesterday. He shook my hand, and without asking my permission, began to put his “reflexology” skills to work, informing me that my liver wanted “more good water.” It was an oddly frustrating and violating experience, one that left me slightly off-balance for the next couple hours. I spun out a bit emotionally, a 180 degree turn of how I was previously experiencing the day, from peace and joy to an almost depressive and hopeless state, and it took some praying, and deliberate refocusing of my thoughts to return to my previous equilibrium. It made me think about a conversation I had on the weekend, about being a burden-bearer, and being careful when you pray for and interact with people, that you don’t absorb their sicknesses or their problems. I’m wondering more about the transfer of spiritual things these days, because I seem to keep having experiences that would make this a very real possibility. For example, could what I experienced yesterday have spiritual connotations? Can that sort of transfer of emotion happen unsuspectingly, without deliberate intent? Am I overspiritualizing the fact that I was angry at this man’s intrusion into my life and personal space, after I’d told him that I would prefer that he didn’t do so?

I did errands for a couple hours directly after work last night. First up was a trip to Ikea to buy a piece of furniture for my bedroom. Ultimately, I bought two shelf-like bed-side tables, and stacked them on top of each other, slightly off-set to create a bookshelf. I needed to create some more space for books in my bedroom, and I needed to clean and organize a corner in which I can comfortably engage in the studying and prayer and meditation I have committed to engage in more frequently (see yesterday’s post). I also bought groceries, some office/studying supplies I’ve needed, and went to the library.

After I got home from my errands, I spent an hour studying, reading, and praying, and then I built the furniture I’d bought. (I built it by myself! Which is sometimes a challenge with Ikea furniture, and a slight mechanical ineptitude. The one time I bought a chair at Ikea, it took me a whole evening to build it, spread out on the living room floor, and my dad sat and laughed at me the whole time. He told me it was better than reality tv!) I ended up being up much later than normal, by the time the tables were built, my bedroom was rearranged to accommodate them, and the necessary cleaning that is required when you move furniture you haven’t moved in a while was accomplished (can you say DUST BUNNIES?!). I am very pleased with my new space, and while it will still require a bit of cleaning and organizing tonight, I’m greatly looking forward to lighting some candles, curling up in my chair, and reading and studying over the next while.

I’m trying something new this week. I’m organizing my life for the week by creating an extensive “to do” list. I work really well to lists. They help me organize my thoughts, keep track of the little things (in fact, as I wrote this sentence I remembered two other little things I need to do this week, and sent an email to my home address, reminding myself to add them to my list). And, if it’s on a list, I’m more likely to accomplish it. Plus, I get a great deal of satisfaction from actually crossing things off my list.

In this case, I’ve put everything from “organize dressing table” to “buy toothpaste” to more relational things like “plan youth hang out night”, “have dinner with Megs”, or church/business things like “have meeting to plan youth retreat” on my list. As I said, the purpose of the list is to give me a single sheet of paper that I can glance at and see what needs to be done over the course of the week, and then I can plan my week to accommodate as many of those things as possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not driven by the list. If things come up that are more important, the things on the list can wait. But this is a new way for me to organize my life, and create a more disciplined rhythm to my days, and I’m hoping it works out well.