Wishbone/Backbone

Right around the new year, someone I know had this as her facebook status:

So and So has her wishbone where her backbone should be.

I read it and cracked up.

And related.

How many times have I sat around wishing for something to work out, when what I probably needed was to collect myself, grow a backbone, and make it happen?

No more wishbone where my backbone should be.

When I read that facebook status, I was in the process of making decisions that would shape 2011, and the status, however humorous, actually shaped those.  It's funny, the things God has used to challenge me.  Facebook statuses, time with friends, books.  God speaks in funny ways to me.  And I'm so thankful that I'm learning to listen for those prompts, even when they come in humorous facebook statuses.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 57

Today's Daily 5:

1. This joke made me chuckle when it arrived in my email inbox this morning: "After the death of a never married 94-year old spinster of his parish, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings. In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders: "There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
2. Eating a fresh nectarine for breakfast 
3. arriving at mom and dad's just in time for an offer of dad making frittata for lunch with leftovers from yesterday's thanksgiving ham 
4. This facebook status from someone I know a little, which made me laugh out loud since I've been having a conversation with a friend about that very topic: "Some of my deep-thinking friends (and especially the Christian ones it seems) make me smile, and sometimes wince, because they just can't post a status update that is simply fun or happy. Everything's gotta be intense or profound it seems. Hope your lives are occasionally a bit lighter than your status updates my friends." 
5. an unexpected skype call with a dear friend in the midst of a day when I was struggling. the laughter and her gentle reminders of truth were oh so helpful this afternoon 
6. every historical village trip (like the one I made on Saturday) requires a visit to the old-fashioned working bakery. and purchases at said bakery. knowing that Thanksgiving was coming and that there would be leftover mean, Saturday's bakery purchase was a freshly baked loaf of sourdough bread. A loaf that smelled fantastic. A loaf that, when sliced, and made into a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with leftover ham from yesterday's Thanksgiving meal made for a divine sandwich. 
7. watching a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy on DVD 
8. catching up on blog reading 
9. laughing on skype this afternoon with my friend about last night's daily 5 (I miss having her be the peanut gallery across the room while I write those lists!) 
10. Being reminded over and over again lately that I am actually someone who is loved.

Disconcerting

On the list of things I'm finding disconcerting lately:

Dreaming about someone with whom I have a relatively distant relationship, and very little contact with, and then having them pop randomly up in my facebook newsfeed later that same day.

It's happened twice recently.  So very odd.

A Few New Year's Thoughts

I think, after the busy day I had yesterday, today is probably going to be a mostly "at home" day.  (Though I think I'm going to make a quick trip to a local scrapbooking store to see if anything catches my eye and inspires me to create a bit.)

I need to do some cleaning, and some reading, and some resting.

I was reading facebook statuses this morning, and people are so excited for the new year and the new decade.

I suppose I am excited, and tomorrow, when it's actually here, I likely will be excited, given that I do have that often professed love for newness and new beginnings.

But New Year's Eve is one of my least favorite holidays of the year.  Actually, it's probably absolutely the least favorite.  I like it even less than Valentines Day!

I think it's because, of all the "holidays" in a year, New Year's Eve is the one that seems to be the most about being with friends, or with a significant other.  I think it's also a holiday where it definitely helps to be a bit extroverted, and to love a party.

It's New Year's Eve that I probably most feel the change of relationships in my life over the last couple of years - the loss of some valuable friendships, and the changes in others.  That I feel the most isolated and alone.  It's probably the night that I feel the most out of step with the people around me, too, preferring by personality a quiet evening shared with perhaps a few close friends, or watching a movie, over a boistrous party and games.

Last year was a particularly challenging New Year's Eve.  I think I spent a very large portion of it in tears, wrestling within me over brokenness, before quietly forming a communion of my own and heading for bed long before the midnight change of years.

I've been invited to join my parents and some of their friends tonight.  And I probably will for a while anyway - for some food and some laughter.  But if I was guessing, I'd say that I'll still be home long before midnight, and, that if I'm up at midnight, I will be quietly welcoming a new decade with prayer and possibly tears.

Don't get me wrong - I'm looking forward to the newness.  Dreaming about what the year to come may hold.  But today I'm also feeling a bit the melancholy of things that have ended, and it's a funny balance within my heart.

So with that, I'm off to take in at least part of the day.  See you later!

A Few Quick Links

I have a few links to share with you.

I liked this blog post that someone linked to on Facebook this morning.  Particularly the quote in the middle of the post from the rabbi, but the bulk of the post as well.

I was also flipping through a few of my blog archives this morning, and came across a link to this cartoon at Naked Pastor.  I chuckled as I remembered what I was going through when I first saw it, and how relevant it was then, and I chuckled again as I recognized the new moments and situations and how it continues to be rather relevant now.

You know it's cold when...

...Everyone's facebook status starts to discuss nothing but the cold...

Some from various friends that I saw this morning:

ok...-28 today, REALLY!!...no one should inhabit this land...let's give it back and head south...

...is cheering on global warming... (this one had the following comment by another friend, which was also quite amusing to me: "I think I may go idle my car for a while in support of your stand. Stay strong brother.")

...did not realize she had signed up for " -28 C but feels like -42 C". Where do I unsubscribe from this?

Daily 5 - Day 121

Today's Daily "5":

1. Dinner invitation from Mom. Though I do sometimes turn these down, it's rare. Mostly because on the nights when I would have onlly been cooking for myself, it's nice to not have to cook.
2. Climbing out of a long hot shower and putting on pajamas still warm from the dryer.
3. clay mask on my face for a while
4. freshly washed towel for after my shower, and freshly washed sheets on my bed to climb into shortly
5. the scent of myrhh filling my bedroom (oil burning in my oil burner tonight)
6. A friend's facebook status that I came across tonight which made me chuckle. It read: ...is having a hard time making lemonade with life's lemons today. Maybe we should kill all the lemon trees? I'd rather make wine anyway!
7. not having to sit in traffic for hours thanks to another successful train ride
8. sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea.
9. getting lots of little domestic things done while still enjoying a quiet evening with an empty house
10. being in a space of prayer deeply, even though it's uncomfortable and rather exhausting, I'm glad for the moments when Jesus deeply draws my heart to pray.
    

Daily 5 - Day 111

Today's Daily "5":

1. Driving George with winter tires newly reinstalled... not that I put a huge amount of stock in winter tires, but it was definitely better to have tires that weren't sliding around quite so much
2. Wearing jeans to the office... special dispensation for the whole week since I am hauling dirty boxes and totes full of mail around all week
3. laughing with our receptionist while we decorated the office Christmas tree
4. breaking out the Barenaked Ladies Christmas Album for the first time this holiday season.
5. trading a few emails with a dear friend
6. enjoying a bit of time with an empty house before my roommate got home
7. simple dinner of pasta, but easy to cook and tasty
8. realizing that the yoga workout I've been using is becoming slightly easier, and thus knowing that it is making a difference at least a little in my body
9. the "my zoo" game on facebook has been keeping me entertained for several months now
10. crawling into my pjs and bed a bit early, with plans to enjoy quiet and read for a while before sleeping.
    

First Day Randomness

It's a new month again! I always celebrate new months.

I sort of even slept last night. Not great, but certainly better than I do a lot of the time.

I was all organized today. I had my breakfast and lunch ready. Yeah. They're sitting on either my kitchen table or counter, waiting for me.

I think this day will be all over the place, but at the moment I'm fine with that.

In the meantime, I don't know why I thought of these today, but they're two "Pieces of Flair" from the application of the same name on facebook. Lots of crap there, but lots of particularly funny and snarky bits that I've loved as well. Like these:

Daily 5 - Day 98

Today's Daily "5":

1. feeling relatively peaceful, despite two rather intense days and two rather intense nights in a row
2. the chicken gumbo I made last night was tasty!
3. grocery shopping went relatively smoothly (read: I didn't leave the store in an incredibly foul mood)
4. Wendy's for lunch - I was in the mood for a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries, and it was ultimately quite satisfying
5. "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson (played it on repeat almost all day)
6. both of my parent's calling me within 10 minutes of each other to tell me that a package had arrived for me (I get my mail at their address still - easier than changing addresses every time I move)... it was really quite funny to have them both call to tell me exactly the same thing, and added a chuckle to my day
7. telling funny childhood "word" stories at coffee break... those moments when as a parent or grown-up you just really want to laugh, but shouldn't.
8. chocolate cake
9. a few games of bejeweled blitz on facebook (sort of a nice way to relax)
10. finishing up my four days in a row of exercise for the week, and knowing I'm coming up on some days where I don't have to rush home from work and cram yoga in before cooking dinner.
    

Mid-way...

Some things on my list accomplished. Some still to come.

It's my birthday, right? If I want to eat blue jello and string cheese from Wisconsin, that's pretty much exactly what I get to do on my own day, right??? And I can even say it's healthy, right?

It's nice to be loved on, and to be reminded of some scattered friends through birthday wishes by text message and facebook. Especially given the post I wrote last night. I am, these days, increasingly able to believe that I am worthy of love, and that I am, in fact, loved, but it's nice to have a day when lots of people remind you of that all at once.

And, with that, I have dishes to put in the sink, a quick task to finish up, and then I'm headed out again for a bit.

Unstable Ground

It's been a quiet evening.

Finally.

I've needed one all week.

I've been exhausted and I was starting to see the strain show up physically again.

So I declared tonight to be a night about resting. And restoration.

I took a bath, and watched a dvd in the tub. I pampered myself with a blue corn face mask, and coconut body scrub (both from The Body Shop).

I putzed around on the computer for awhile, playing a game, doing the facebook thing, avoiding what I really needed to do.

What I really needed to do was spend some time with my journal. It's been a full week, and there's lots to process, but there was one specific thing on my mind that I needed to write out.

I finally quit avoiding and wrote it out, and as usual, when I've been avoiding something, the direction it ended up taking me was surprising.

I ended up back at unstable ground.

It's kind of been a theme for the last year and a bit.

It stems from a deeply personal moment in a field on another continent. A story that doesn't fit here just yet. A share over tea or in an email or phone call with a friend kind of story. A dreams coming alive sort of moment.

And it's repeated ever since, in the oddest of moments.

There is something about standing on unstable ground.

Literally and figuratively.

And learning to trust amidst the instability.

Being able to open my hands, or willing to kneel - to let myself fall to my knees.

To say, "even this on which I depend, I offer back to You and choose to trust You with."

I'm not very good at it. But I'm learning. Through repetition. And lots of falling and failing.

But maybe, sometimes, that's the best way to learn. And falling seems to come with the territory when you're dealing with unstable ground.

And so, even in this, I choose to trust.

Being Heard

I was reminded again this morning of the importance of being heard.

Work yesterday was enough to put me in a murderous raging kind of mood.

The first thing I did upon getting home (other than get dinner into the oven and started cooking) was to take a shower. I just felt slimy from the day I'd had and wanted nothing so much as to clean up and feel refreshed.

I think my roommates ask each night how my day has gone just because they know that there will always be a story that makes them laugh, and almost always a story that makes them grateful for their much "saner" jobs and coworkers.

After I commented on a particularly trying coworkers constant, just loud enough for me to have to hear, "ouches" and "ows" that have been filling my days this week, my roommate made a suggestion that made me laugh long and hard. She suggested that I start up a conversation at my desk with another coworker who is a good friend about how I've been reading in scripture lately about how I've been reading the book of Job recently, and I've been quite impressed with the way he suffered in silence! Or that we talk about how Jesus also suffered in silence! The memory of that comment has been buoying me and adding secret laughter all day.

Anyway, I arrived at the office this morning to discover that things had gotten worse, rather than better overnight.

Instant bad mood ensued, coming on the heels of a night where I'd slept even less than usual, and had dealt with several restless, emotional, and frightening dreams.

It's worse this week because I've been praying and trying harder than usual to be patient with this particular person and situation, but the last two days I hit my breaking point. My facebook status last night briefly read "Lisa mostly has the patience to deal with it, but sometimes contemplates justifiable homicide."

And then I was reminded of how nice it was to be heard. One long and very necessary conversation with my boss later, and I'm feeling better about the situation. Not entirely optimistic, because I've been down this road at least once a month for the last year, but encouraged that my boss at least is aware of what has been going on, and is nearly as frustrated with the lack of movement in the situation as I am.

So, here's hoping for better things in the coming weeks.

As for me, I'm celebrating that it's Friday and that means I'm wearing jeans at the office, and, that because of my quick overnight trip to Montana, I'm leaving the office an hour earlier than usual today (time I made up by coming in early two mornings this week, but still a fantastic thought after a trying week.) It's the weekend, and that's almost always worth smiling about!

Long Day

This has been one of those days that seems to go on interminably.

Some days I'm not really certain what is and is not mine to do. Of course, that doesn't stop someone from yelling when I guess wrong.

Someone jokingly asked me this afternoon if it was true that I was omniscient.

My response? "Of course I am. I'm god don't you know." (I did mention that my sense of humor is twisted and sarcastic, right?)

Since lunchtime my facebook status has read, "Lisa has the overwhelming urge to sob."

Some combination of exhaustion, and other factors, along with the fact that it is Wednesday. Some people have Mondays. I have Wednesdays. It's just been a while since I've had one on this scale.

I'm having coffee with a friend tonight after work, and then am hoping for some sleep. Despite the "miracle drugs" I haven't had much rest the last couple nights, and it would be very helpful for my overall disposition and mental health if that would change tonight.

That Kind of Day

Have you ever used the "pieces of flair" application on facebook? A lot of them are hilarious. I came across this one this morning. "Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

I'm having that kind of day today.

Pieces of Flair

Have you seen the "Pieces of Flair" application on Facebook? I'm kind of in love with it.

And today, my friend Rae sent me the best piece of flair ever.

It had the following quote on it:

"You can't get a cup of tea big enough, or a book long enough to suit me." (C.S. Lewis)

It made me want to jump up and down in the joy of agreement and being perfectly understood.

And made me smile.

Facebook Status Updates That Will Never Make It...

(Because My boss is my “facebook friend” and I’m supposed to be “playing nice”…)

Lisa is:

Wondering why it’s assumed that if she doesn’t do it your way, it must be wrong?

Hoping people realize that she actually has a brain.

Wondering if there’s a sign on her forehead that says “treat me like I’m stupid?”

thinking that she can’t possibly be as dumb as certain people assume, can she?

Wanting to be really rude in return.

Acknowledging that any email that begins with “I don’t mean to be rude but…” is probably going to be rude.

Is wondering how it’s possible for someone to be completely offensive and still try to suck up to you in an email?

Only responding politely because she likes her boss, and her boss asked her to “play nice.”

To be lifted...

One of my friends has this as her facebook status update...

"...... is praying for heavy hearts and tired arms to be lifted."

Love that as an update. Love that she's praying for that.

Thinking I'm going to go light some candles, and lay in a hot bath, and join her in her prayers.

Lisa is...

I love the "status" function on facebook... it's become a game to me to come up with some sort of either blunt or cryptic sentence describing my state of being at the moment I'm writing it.

Here are some possibilities for right now (you'll have to look me up on facebook to see what I choose!)

Lisa is needing a night of sleep without dreams.

Lisa is getting paid to kill trees (death by photocopying) this week.

Lisa is experiencing a great deal of sudden onset work stress. (Because just at this moment I am!)

Lisa is extraordinarly glad that it is already half-way through the Friday work day.

Lisa is suddenly completely spent - mentally, emotionally physically, spiritually.

Lisa is feeling like crying.

Remembering to Breathe

My facebook status today reads, "Lisa is remembering to breathe."

That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.

This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:

God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6

I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.

I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.

I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.

It's helping.