Daily 5 - Day 167

Today's Daily 5 (the mostly accident edition!):

1. I'm thankful that the driver who I hit was very kind.  We waited nearly an hour for the police to arrive (EMS and Fire had come and gone in that time), and it was cold out this morning.  He welcomed me to sit in his truck (which was warm, since George really wasn't).  We chatted and made sure each other were okay, traded insurance information, and just generally managed to stay calm and make the necessary phone calls.
2. I'm thankful that though George is no more, I am not seriously injured.
3. I'm thankful that the fire after the accident was quickly put out by a passing motorist who stopped, and had a fire extinguisher in his vehicle.  That also could have been so much more serious than it was.  I'll be carrying a fire extinguisher in my vehicle from now on I think!
4. I'm also thankful for the quick thinking motorist who stopped and put out my fire!
   
5. I'm thankful for a generous policeman who kindly warned me to leave more following space, instead of issuing me a very expensive ticket.
6. I'm thankful for the tow truck arriving quickly (they said expect it in an hour, but it arrived in 20 minutes!) and for the tow truck driver being friendly and efficient, and willing to ferry me along with my car to the mechanic.
7. I'm thankful for my dad, who took numerous calls from me as events progressed, and then met me at the mechanics, showing up with a hug for me, questions for the mechanic as we quickly made the decision that George was a goner, and then took me home to my mom.
8. I'm thankful that I live in the same city as my parents, and that when my dad asked if I wanted to go home or to their house, I could go to their house.  
9. I'm thankful for my mom who greeted me with another hug, let me cry a little, gave me a short treatment to immediately help with healing, brought me painkillers and an ice pack, fed me lunch, and let me lay on her couch and soothe my jangled soul with dozing to the Food Network on their satellite television.
10. I'm thankful for both of my brothers and T's fiance who in their own ways let me know that they were concerned about me today, were praying, and loved me.
11. I'm thankful for all the friends who sent notes and left facebook comments, or sent text messages or emails, telling me they were praying, and making sure I was okay.
12. I'm thankful for lasagna for supper - I actually cooked, but also for a roommate who was more than willing to do the cleanup as by that time my left shoulder was letting me know that movement was no longer a good option.  I'm also thankful that she is more than willing to do the cooking tomorrow night.
13. I'm thankful that my work was very understanding of the fact that I was not coming in today, and that I can be confident that if I wake up in the morning too sore to move, they'll give me another day or so to recover as well.
14. I'm thankful for the incredible peace that I've felt today.  That's really unusual for me after an accident (I've had a couple previous ones, as well as some very scary near misses, mostly involving ice and snow).  I feel like I've been buoyed by Jesus' love and the prayers of so many, and I'm really grateful for that.  Especially since I've been struggling for the last several days with anxiety again, and working on getting the supplements evened out again.  It's been such a blessing to not be feeling that today.
15. I'm thankful that tomorrow is another day, and one that won't hold a car accident!  :)
    

Bad Start

So, I talked myself into getting out of bed this morning.  I wasn't feeling great, but definitely not bad enough to stay at home.  I'm wishing I'd stayed at home.

I never made it to work.  I was one exit from my stop when I got into a pretty bad car accident.  George (who used to look like this) now looks like this:

The airbag deployed and hit me in the face, so my nose and lip are pretty sore, and all of the aching muscles that had just sort of nicely returned to normal after my fall down the stairs a couple of weeks ago are now in much worse pain, but I'm okay and really grateful to be that way.

I'm also vehicleless, which will bring some unique challenges into my life for a while, but I'll figure those out as they crop up.

And, I've got to say that if you're going to start the morning by destroying your car and slamming into someone's rear end, it's nice if that person is really nice about it.  The guy I hit was really nice to me, and while we waited the hour or so for the cops to show up, we sat in his warm truck, (which I was thankful for, since my car had no power - the firefighters disconnected the battery after making sure that the flames - oh yes, it was on fire, did I mention that? - were out.)

So, not the best start to the day, and if I'd taken that sick day I considered this morning, I probably wouldn't have spent it talking to policemen and mechanics and insurance adjusters, but hey - they were all very nice to me.  And my dad, who I shocked into awakeness with an early morning phone call met me at the mechanic's after I'd been towed (Oh - another blessing - because of my old car, I have AMA and pay for the membership with towing - so no tow bill!)  Dad took me back to their place where mom was waiting with a hug, and a brief treatment to help with some of the muscle trauma, and food and prayers.  I made all my calls from their house, and dozed on their couch for a bit watching the Food Network (fun, since I love to cook and don't have cable at my house), and then they brought me home.

So, in general I'm thankful, if a little shaken up still.  It could have been so much worse, and it wasn't.

Now that I'm home, I'm comfortably in sweat pants, wrapped in a blanket, and planning to spend the rest of the day moving fairly little, and in the company of an ice pack.  My left shoulder in particular (took the brunt of my fall a few weeks ago, and the brunt of the seatbelt etc. today) is quite sore, and I don't think I'll be doing yoga again anytime soon!

Daily 5 - Day 143

Today's Daily "5":

1. Learning from dad how to check the level of antifreeze, and the tire pressure in George (and checking and adding oil, as well as refilling my windshield fluid while I was at it.)  I feel a bit pathetic for admitting it, but it made me feel good to know how to do those things, and my dad was patient in teaching me.  It was sort of one of those moments that is a bit hard to explain, but in some ways, learning these basic things about caring for my car was a way of showing myself that I am strong and capable, and increasingly independent.  Funny, I suppose, for someone who's been living on her own for a number of years, but moments like this, or like the appointment at the bank this week to me have really been about stepping up and asserting myself, and understanding and taking control of a challenging situation - of reducing my debt and saving for the future at the bank, and of knowing how to manage a minor problem with George (an antifreeze leak) and keep an eye on it so it doesn't become a major problem
2. chicken fingers and french fries for lunch (the new healthier version of the chicken fingers that I picked up the other day) - still one of my favorite, quick "comfort" meals
3. a really productive day
4. candles lit in various spots around the house for most of the day
5. going through my bookshelves and updating my list of unread titles (I should maybe stop buying books, I think the unread list of books I own is now around 160) and thinking about which books to read next for the coming year
6. cleaning my bedroom really well, and restoring it to a really peaceful space for dreaming and creating and thinking and praying over the coming year.  I think cleaning is often still a form of prayer for me, and a way of creating space for new things within me, even as I clean my physical space.
7. also cleaning a bunch of the rest of the house.  So nice to just have a clean space to exist in.
   
8. Just really enjoying the last day of having an empty house.  I love my roommate, and I'll be glad to see her when I pick her up tomorrow, but I sure do enjoy the times when I have the house all to myself.
9. dreaming and scheming for the coming year
10.  A slow start this morning, laying in bed, reading blogs and articles about the new year - fun to see so many different people's thoughts

Daily 5 - Day 139

Today's Daily "5":

1. My cheques finally arriving in the mail.  Since they were supposed to be here well over a week ago, and I was needing to write some first of January cheques for a few people (including my rent!) I was getting a little nervous and scheming about backup plans.
2. Straightening my hair on my own for the first time - not stellar results, but not bad either.
3. Lunch and shopping with a friend from high school
4. new sweater - suitable for work or casual wear
5. instructions from dad on what little items I need to purchase before he shows me a few things about maintaining George later this week
6. watching a movie while I worked on a bunch of stuff tonight
7. finally being able to write postdated rent cheques to our landlords and leave them for pick up - so nice to have that item off of my list
8. really enjoying having the house to myself this week that I'm off while L. is out of town
9. laughing at little ironies
10. thankful that the cold I've caught (quite a few people were sick at Christmas) has for the moment stayed in the mild annoyance range, instead of becoming a problem.
    

Daily 5 - Day 137

Today's Daily "5":

1. Turkey Chili for lunch at mom and dad's
2. A blog redesign
3. Listening to the personalized mix cd that was part of J.'s Christmas gift to me while I worked on the blog this afternoon - loving the music on it!
4. Watching the movie "Bedtime Stories" with Mom and Dad tonight - I'm increasingly a fan of funny, creative, imagination inspiring kid's movies.
5. Thankful for a car that is still getting me from place to place safely
6. Incredibly thankful that I am still off of work for another week
7. Loving checking out photos of friends Christmases on blogs or facebook - especially a few friends who were celebrating the first Christmases for their new little ones
8. playing simple games on facebook
9. grateful for the healing in my relationship with my parents that is letting me truly enjoy all the time we've been spending together
10. sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea
    
11. 137 days of writing lists of things that make me smile... it's crazy to think I've been doing this that long!
    

Daily 5 - Day 124

Today's Daily "5":

1. Surviving a bit of a crazy and odd Monday.
   
2. A new "last minute lasagna" recipe experiment for supper (uses ravioli stuffed with cheese instead of lasagna noodles) that was really tasty.
3. Weather that warmed up a bit, making the train ride and walk home a lot less painful than the ride and walk this morning.
4. Unexpectedly getting my least favorite household "chore" (grocery shopping) of the week out of the way tonight because I realized I needed to drive my car for a little while, just to warm it up in this cold.
5. A grocery shopping trip that was really quick and smooth, and almost enjoyable.
6. Knowing that grocery shopping unexpectedly tonight means that I have an entire, unscheduled free evening tomorrow night.
   
7. Driving an old car that may have it's quirks, but starts like a charm in these ridiculous temperatures, without being plugged in at night.
8. wrapping a simple birthday gift and card for a friend, as well as a Christmas card for her and her husband in preparation for mailing tomorrow.
9. finding several more recipes that all look delicious and can be made with the same base sugar cookie dough.
10. enjoying a few games on facebook for bits and pieces of the evening.
    

Daily 5 - Day 117

(before I start today's Daily 5 list, the history geek within me compels me to remind you that today is Pearl Harbor day - you know "December 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy". Okay, with that history infomercial out of the way, let's proceed.)

Today's Daily "5":

1. I feel kind of pathetic for admitting this, but I'm excited about the possibility to have coffee and maybe start friendships with two girls I met in various places. The truth is that in the last few years I've lost a lot of relationships I really valued, and I haven't really felt like risking new ones, but that is slowly changing again, and it was sort of affirming to have those tentative reaching out steps I've been taken be validated a little in that way.
2. Grocery shopping was relatively smooth, and to be really honest, I'm so incredibly glad that it's Monday and finished for the week.
3. I'm really thankful for internet and facebook and email, which lets me keep in touch with people around the world, and lets me keep up on the goings on in various friends lives even when my health and energy levels don't always permit me to have a wildly active social life
4. I enjoyed the laugh I got reading a blog post my friend LP/CA wrote tonight
5. I'm thankful for a simple supper that still allowed me to get my yoga workout in before going grocery shopping, even after getting home nearly 40 minutes later than usual thanks to slow moving traffic and gross winter road conditions.
6. I'm thankful for the throw blanket that was the Christmas gift from my company to each staff member. It's the thickest, coziest throw I've ever had, and I'm spending quite a lot of time wrapped up in it thanks to the weather.
7. I'm thankful for a car that seems to be relatively reliable, even in the stupidly cold weather we've been having. I've never yet (in the year and a bit that I've owned it) had to plug it in at night in the winter. I'd say that's a feat for a car that is 17 years old and only cost me a dollar to purchase!
8. I'm thankful that the next few nights are mercifully without plans. I can just chill at home and rest.
9. I'm thankful that I was able to find wool at the craft store tonight to darn the thumbs of my mittens. My brothers bought me these great fairly traded mittens and matching toque last winter, but the thumbs of the mittens need a little love. Since I found wool that will match relatively well, I'll be spending part of tomorrow evening repairing mitten thumbs!
10. I'm thankful to be at item number 10 on day 117 of making these lists. It's amazing to me that for 117 days I've been making the effort to find the positives in my day.
    

Daily 5 - Day 113

Today's daily 5 is likely only going to be about 5, mostly because it's late and I need to try to get some sleep...

1. Thankful for the chance to attend a housegroup again tonight, and hear another girl's story... beautiful and challenging... (though I'll be glad when I feel a bit less like "the brand new person" - always a bit stressful for the introverted yours truly!)
2. Glad for a less busy day at the office, while still accomplishing a few projects
3. Making a quick, simple, but tasty supper
4. I'm thankful in the cold weather, and especially in the evening when transit is not so readily accessible, that I have a car that runs relatively well.
5. I'm thankful for slow, little changes I'm feeling in myself these days - the strength to know that these really awful times I've been through the last few years do not have to rule the rest of my life, that somehow, I will live fully and freely again.
   

Daily 5 - Day 111

Today's Daily "5":

1. Driving George with winter tires newly reinstalled... not that I put a huge amount of stock in winter tires, but it was definitely better to have tires that weren't sliding around quite so much
2. Wearing jeans to the office... special dispensation for the whole week since I am hauling dirty boxes and totes full of mail around all week
3. laughing with our receptionist while we decorated the office Christmas tree
4. breaking out the Barenaked Ladies Christmas Album for the first time this holiday season.
5. trading a few emails with a dear friend
6. enjoying a bit of time with an empty house before my roommate got home
7. simple dinner of pasta, but easy to cook and tasty
8. realizing that the yoga workout I've been using is becoming slightly easier, and thus knowing that it is making a difference at least a little in my body
9. the "my zoo" game on facebook has been keeping me entertained for several months now
10. crawling into my pjs and bed a bit early, with plans to enjoy quiet and read for a while before sleeping.
    

Snowing

It's snowing, and has been for several hours.

The roads that I can see from my office window don't look too bad, and we thankfully didn't have rain or wet snow first, to coat the roads with ice the way they were on Friday.

Who knows how long it'll take me to get home today. Or more accurately, to my parent's house, since I need to return their vehicle and then get a ride to go and pick up George from the mechanic.

I'm leaving the office a bit early, so hopefully that will help.

An Icy Drive

I had a pretty rough night, full of bad dreams.

Mostly dreams having to do with icy roads and sliding vehicles and terrible accidents.

At least I don't have to wonder why those were muddled around in my subconsious. The five hours I spent in a vehicle last night watching sliding vehicles, near misses, and a few accidents quite nicely explains that.

I will not be driving anywhere today unless it is absolutely necessary.

We had freezing rain yesterday that coated the roads, and then froze, turning roads into skating rinks, making hills impassable, and generally creating traffic chaos.

I've never liked driving to begin with. I do it because, well, it's convenient, and Calgary's public transit system is so very not.

I got my "learner's license" at 16. (Two years later than you're first legally allowed to obtain it.) I only finally got a full fledged license days before my twenty first birthday, motivated simply by the fact that the learners was going to expire and I didn't want to pay to renew it, and then pay again a short time later for a new license.

My new license was what Alberta calls a "graduated" license. I held that for a full five years, until this past summer, just days before my 26th birthday, where I scheduled a second road test to get rid of the conditions. Again, the motivation was simply that my license was going to expire, and I figured it was as good a time as any to take the test, rather than paying to renew a license and then paying several months later to upgrade it.

Winter driving is definitely my least favorite, and often leaves me shaky. Though I've seen terrible roads, I've not, in the years I've been driving, seen roads as icy as they were last night.

It doesn't help that my first accident ever happened because of winter road conditions. Or, that, months later, when I was finally able to get behind the wheel without feeling a surge of panic, I was driving home from a friend's rural home, hit some black ice at a notorious location on a major highway, and did a 360 degree spin in my rental car, starting in the right lane of traffic, and ending just barely on the road on the left shoulder. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn't hit by oncoming traffic. I drove for two more hours to get home that night, through terrible conditions. And then, last winter, after another heavy snowfall, I again hit some black ice on a major city road, and slid quite nicely into a guard rail, banging up the front end of my car, but again, thankfully, not getting hurt, or hitting any other vehicles.

So five hours (even if I was only the driver for two) on severely icy roads last night wasn't that helpful.

We've had a mild winter so far, and budgetary concerns have meant that I delayed having my winter tires put on. They're going on on Monday (only two days from now!), along with a few other repairs I've been waiting to have done. So I was driving on old, slightly bald summer tires on the iciest road conditions I've ever seen for two hours last night.

And, since Calgary doesn't salt, plow, or sand residential roads, and I live at the top of a hill, I won't be going anywhere by car until we have a bit of a thaw (predicted for tomorrow). My dad managed to get my car from the spot I'd temporarily abandoned it last night, to a safe parking spot in front of my house, and it is going to stay there until the roads thaw. I'll take transit to the one or two places it is absolutely necessary for me to go today. Because anything is better than getting behind the wheel again on those roads. I relived them all through the night, I have no desire to relive them in my waking reality today.

Slow day so far...

I hung out at the zoo for a little while this morning, mostly visiting the gorillas. They've integrated a couple of new females into the troop, and it was fun to get to see them for the first time today. The gorilla exhibit remains my peaceful place, and it was nice to be back there for the first time in probably a month.

It's snowing today, wet and cold. Not really sticking on the ground much yet, but snowing nonetheless.

L. and I have set this evening aside for finalizing some trip plans. Booking a rental car, and one night of hotel accommodation. And sorting out which of the many attractions it is that we really are making must sees. We were talking just now, before she headed out for lunch, about the things we'd like to see, and laughing over some of the possibilities.

I'm so excited to be going on a vacation. It's been incredibly long. I've already mentioned that it's been almost two years since I had more than two work days in a row off. If we're counting vacation time, it's been far longer than that. Because the last time I had time off was the trip to Malta and Europe, and a vacation that time most definitely wasn't. So, I'm really anticipating much needed time away from work, and fellowship time with dear friends. One of my favorite parts of this trip already is that L. is coming with me. I'm thrilled to have someone to make the flights east (and then back home) and I know that with her along I'll collect far more experiences than if I was alone.

I'm waiting for a phone call to be returned. I have a signal light out on George, and I need my dad's help to replace the bulb. Hopefully my parents will be home soon, and I'll be able to go over there. I have some errands that I need to do today, but I don't feel safe doing them without a left-turn signal.

So, for the moment, I think I'm going to nap until my phone rings. There is some cleaning to be done, but I remain pretty exhausted and spent from the last week, so I think I'll likely just rest.

Daily 5 - Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing with L. along the course of our 11 hour journey
2. The perfect sunshine, fall sky, and lighting for walking and photo taking
3. That George handled the nearly 500 kilometers we put him through without a hitch
4. moments that confirmed in the funniest ways that only I could know that I was walking where I needed to be today
5. The comfort of my pjs and bed after a VERY long and full day. I'm really excited about being in the pjs and in bed.
   

New Year, and other thoughts

Image by _Bonnie_ via Flickr

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It's September, the new year isn't for a while yet. Unless you're Jewish, or sensitive to the Jewish calendar. In that case, Rosh Hashanah began at sunset last evening.

I ate the traditional apples and honey (for the sweetness of a new year) along with my supper last night, and enjoyed a quiet evening, watching a dvd, relaxing, caring for myself, and resting.

I'm loving the idea of a new year right now, particularly since I seem to have been in the midst of a season of deep change, and I've been so anticipating fall. Celebrating a new year as a new season is beginning seems right somehow, and I am praying for beauty and blessings as the seasons and year progresses.

I was up and out of the house by 7:30 this morning. I dropped L on the other side of the city for 8, and then drove to my mechanic. George has been in need of an oil change for a while, and I decided earlier this week that one day or another I'd get that done this weekend. Turns out my mechanic doesn't open until 9. So, I picked up breakfast at a nearby Tim Hortons (and I know I'm about to betray my Canadian heritage, but I've gotta say that I really think I like Macdonalds breakfast better than Tim Hortons), and sat in a parking lot and read the book I'm working on currently for 45 minutes or so, before returning to the mechanic.

I spent the next hour chatting with his wife (who I've known since I was a child) while George's oil was changed and he was generally checked out. The good news is that the mechanic is pretty sure he found the cause of a bit of a problem we've been watching. The bad news is that it's going to cost me a couple hundred bucks again. However, this is where having an honest and trustworthy mechanic comes in handy. He told me that it was no big deal to put it off for a month or two, since most of my little bit of expendable cash right now is going towards my vacation next month. And, he came up with a fix that will be significantly less expensive than the fix that most places would do for me. Sweet! So, sometime after I get home from vacation, George will be visiting the shop for some repairs that will hopefully keep him in running order for a while to come!

Being up so early has left me feeling a bit groggy and uncertain what to do with my day until my next plans this evening. So, I think I'll probably crash on the couch, and either read or watch a dvd. Maybe inspiration for adventure will hit, and maybe it will just be a day of rest. Rest isn't such a bad plan, since tomorrow definitely still holds the potential for some wilder moments.

In any case, I'm off to enjoy this new year with a bit of chocolate, and quite possibly a nap!

Smile List (Redux)

A few more items, because I'm still needing to remember to be thankful and joyful this morning, and remembering that is still a definite struggle...

• plans to get both a manicure and a pedicure after work tonight. I'm cringing just a little (with the very practical side of me) at the thought of spending money on something I can do for myself, but know that being pampered a little is probably a good thing right now.
• a mandarin orange for breakfast
• that it was easy to find the appropriate maps and directions for the trip I'm making this weekend
• that I did sleep for at least a few hours last night
• Friday casual day at the office - hello blue jeans and a nice t-shirt!
• my turn to leave the office early on a long weekend - someone else is manning the phones for the last hour and a half today
• "Revelation Song" by Kim Walker
• "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson
• Hemp hand protector and Hemp lip balm from The Body Shop
• the art in my office (a post on that coming soon)
• that I'll only be working 3 days next week
• that George seems to be running well, and I won't need to rent a car for this weekend's trip

Productive?

I feel like it's been an oddly productive morning thus far, on both a work front, and a "things I personally need to do" front.

I talked with my car insurance company to get an answer to a question I had.

I scheduled a driving lesson - long story, but my license is coming up for renewal, and I'm also well overdue to take the advanced road test that is part of Alberta's Graduated Driver's Licensing system. (I think I was eligible to take the test about three years ago!) Anyway, because it's been over five years since I last did a driving road test, and since this one covers different things, I thought I'd book a bit of a refresher lesson to try to ensure I can pass this test in one attempt and only have to pay for it once.

I knocked several items off of my work "to do" list.

I bought groceries (unexpectedly) for the office.

I spoke briefly with the rep for our filing system when she dropped off some samples I'd asked for. And I supervised the delivery of several new furniture pieces in the office as well.

I talked with my mechanic about George. He informed me what a particular problem that I'd noticed was caused by. I'm really thankful for our mechanic, who's honest and never tries to cheat me. I asked if I needed to have this problem repaired, and he told me that George is absolutely safe to drive without repairing the problem, that it was my preference. Since I'm trying not to sink huge amounts of money into my rather old vehicle, I opted to leave it unrepaired for the moment. So, George just had an oil change, and I'll pick him up after work tonight.

I find myself somewhat surprised at what's been accomplished today. Especially since I slept very poorly again last night, and was most definitely dragging this morning.

I'm less than excited about the fact that there is a trip to the soul sucking mega grocery store in my future tonight, but I'll survive it, and then probably have to do another round of yoga to recover!

And I'm still in the mood to wear scarves (and pray). Yesterday's was sent to me by a friend, a gift from Morrocco. Today's is a gift from another friend, this time sent from Nepal.

More thoughts later I suppose...

Memories, Quotes, and an oddly poignant evening...

I had an experience tonight that reminded me just how many things can trigger memories. One moment I was standing at the sink, rinsing lettuce leaves for the taco salad I was preparing, and in the next I'd been transported backwards through time and was re-living a moment I'd nearly forgotten. It's a oddly powerful and poignant sort of thing to have that happen.

George is safely at the mechanic, and I even managed to get a full yoga workout in.

I went hunting tonight for a scrapbook like journal I created in the first few years of university. It's full of quotations and thoughts and comics that I'd collected. Favorite things that spoke in different ways to me, or that simply made me laugh. There were a few forgotten treasures in there.

At that time in my life, I was approximately right in the middle of the seven years I suffered from severe depression, before so very unexpectedly encountering God's healing. I was finding it hard to cling to faith, to believe in God, and strongly identified with any statements that made room for my doubts, my struggles, my questions, and my depression to co-exist with a relationship with God. I came upon a few of those quotes tonight as I flipped through that journal, and smiled as they again acted as salve to a tired soul.

The questions are different these days, but there are still questions. The doubts are different, and rarely reach the depths that depression drove them to, but there are sometimes still doubts and uncertainties. I know now, in a way that I didn't know then, that I will never be able to walk away from Jesus - that in Him has been the only joy and fulfillment I've ever really found. I'm learning daily about trust - and how trust mostly exists in the uncertainty. There's not much need to trust if I can know something for certain. But I still appreciate those philosophers, writers and thinkers who offer space for God and those questions and doubts to co-exist.

Quotes like these:

"When we get our spiritual house in order, we'll be dead. This goes on. You arrive at enough certainty to be able to make your way, but it is making it in darkness. Don't expect faith to clear things up for you. It is trust, not certainty." (Flannery O'Connor)

"It is not as a child that I believe and confess Jesus Christ. My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt." (Fyodor Dostoevsky)

"Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me." (Frederick Buechner)

I went hunting for that journal, not because of treasures like these that it contained, but because it contained a typed out set of lyrics to the song I mentioned yesterday. "Because You Are" by Everybody Duck.

The partial lyrics I'd put in the journal read as follows:

I can't feel You like others around me
I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes
Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?
Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad I want to touch You
You must sense this love my soul barely contains
No lack of desire in this desert to worship
I keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel You
And I'll love You cause I know You're there
And if You should choose I'm sure one day I'll feel it
But feeling good's never the reason I cared.

It's funny to me to remember, years later, the space I was existing in when those lyrics first hit a chord. At the time I was just beginning to encounter God in a more "spirit-filled" way. Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say that I was part of a community that encountered God in that way, and that I was desperately hungry to have those sort of personal encounters and relationship with Jesus that they demonstrated for myself, but was equally convinced that it would perhaps never happen for me. Thus the power of lyrics that began, "I can't feel you like others around me."

Five or six years later, after many crazy encounters with Jesus, I've walked for the last year and a half through some very challenging circumstances. I'm more convinced than ever that Jesus speaks and guides and loves. But I'm also in a place of exhaustion, in need of rest and healing and recovery, and, when I came upon this song again earlier this week, I was struck deeply by the lines I quoted yesterday, "No lack of desire in this desert to worship. I keep singing skyward, it just never rains."

So I worship anyway. Even in those moments when it feels like rote memorization. Like a dead practice, instead of a living joy. Because I've learned, too, that eventually the rains always come. I spent the afternoon looking out my office window at the downpour we were having, remembering the many complaints the last years of drought, and praying that in ways that are internal, that impact my heart, the rains will also come, and bring cleansing, healing, refreshment, restoration, and new growth and life.

Still unpacking...

A post with content related to something other than the fact that I moved two weeks ago is coming. I promise.

In the meantime, my roommate and I began the task of tackling the arranging of furniture in our living room tonight. I have quite a few piles of things to sort through still. And a large stack of items to be taken to a thrift shop. And a microwave to be returned to a friend who loaned it to me a couple years back, when our first house didn't have a microwave.

I'm off to unpack the last bookshelf, and perhaps sort through a bit of other stuff.

I'm waiting for my dad to call, as George needs yet another visit to the mechanic (though I think just for an oil change this time) and I'm borrowing a vehicle from my parents to drive tomorrow while George is getting checked out. Dad will meet me at the mechanic, I'll take him home, and then head back to my house with one of their vehicles.

And, I'm hoping to do a bit of yoga or stretching, or some sort of exercise tonight - hoping that doing that will help me sleep a bit better tonight.

With that, I'm off to return to the unpacking process... (I'll be so glad when that is finally under control...)

Mid-Afternoon

Tensions remain fairly high in the office today, though thankfully not nearly as high as they were on Tuesday, before the holiday.

I'm still left wondering if we'll make it to the end of Friday with our staff intact.

I'm thankful that the vast majority of it is not directly affecting me right now.

And I'm thankful for plans for a quiet evening off at home tonight. Likely only the tiniest bit of unpacking. A stop to pick up George from the mechanic. Comfort food (some combination of chicken fingers and leftovers most likely.) And plans to pamper myself a bit - painting my fingernails and toenails in preparation for the wedding I'm attending this weekend.

And with that, I'm off to finish up the sorts of tasks that must be done by the end of the day!

Rain

I had to go out for a few minutes this evening, to meet my brother at the mechanic. I left George there to have a few repairs done, before I have to drive him for a longer time period and distance to get to the wedding I'm attending out of town this weekend. My brother met me at the mechanic, we went together to mom and dad's house, and then I drove home in their car, which they're generously loaning me for the day tomorrow.

It was raining.

As I waited at the mechanic's for T. to arrive, I sat in George, with everything turned off, and simply enjoyed the sound of rain on the roof.

I've been hoping for rain for days now. I used to hate it, but these days, I think I'd rather have it. Particularly the sort of, end of day, after heat, rain that we often get in the summer.

A refreshing, and a washing clean.

I've needed that symbolism deeply again lately.

And, as I turned into the alley to park the car at my house, I smiled, because there, waiting to greet me, was a beautiful and vivid half-rainbow. It's been a while since I've seen one where the colors were full and bright. And it made me smile as well.

A much needed promise. A refreshing and a washing clean.