- Hanging out with mom for a chunk of the day - it's good that the relationship has been restored enough that on a day when I was feeling lonely and needing a way to escape my house, I could give her a call
- Baking in my parent's newly renovated kitchen. Our apartment has literally zero counter space, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to work in a space where you can spread out a bit.
- 3 different types of cookies using the same base dough. Cinnamon pinwheels. Golden almond thingys, and coconut macaroons.
- I'm thankful for the roast beef dinner my mom fed us - I love to cook but almost never make roast since it takes too long and we get home late, so it's always nice to get it for a change at mom's house.
- I'm thankful that I made it safely home tonight, despite the fact that it started snowing again, they don't plow the sidestreets and the deep snow is a bit difficult to navigate on the hilly street I live on.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Daily 5 - Day 115
Today's Daily 5:
A Little Bit Frustrated
In a few minutes I'm going to show up here and write a "daily 5" list and talk about the fact that it was actually pretty good day.
But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.
I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)
It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.
It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.
I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.
I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.
But...
I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.
To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.
But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)
I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.
But just in this moment, I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated.
I've mentioned off and on that I've been struggling with my health for the last couple of years. That has been particularly true in terms of having an almost zero energy level. I quite literally think about every social commitment I make, and how every decision to be away from home for the evening or for part of the day or all of a day on a weekend will affect my ability to function for the next week. (For those of you who had been part of my social life prior to the last couple of years, and have been less so during the last few years, well, I still love you, I've just been severely limiting my commitments!)
It has meant that I can't be on my feet for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It has meant that most nights I need to be home and in bed early. Often I'm in bed, winding down by nine, with my lights out by ten.
It has meant that I try to schedule only one or maybe two evenings out a week, recognizing that more than that takes energy that I simply don't have to expend.
I've been oh so slowly noticing signs of improvement, but tonight I'm feeling just a bit discouraged.
I spent the day with family, doing some baking, and some grocery shopping and christmas decorating with my mom. I was on my feet for much of the day, but not in an overly strenuous way. I enjoyed the day quite a lot.
But...
I'm exhausted. Completely done in to the point of crying.
To be fair, there are memories and dates and other little things that were already making this weekend emotional.
But I'm drained, and I find it discouraging to discover that the ground gained with my health is still quite minimal, and that the process is still so very slow. I wish for more or different. I long and pray for the days to return when I don't approach life with the energy level of an 80 year old. (Actually, I think my 80 year old grandma has more energy and a far busier social life than I do!)
I'm not going to focus on this for very long. Because, like I said, it was a decent day. But I do want to pause, just for a moment and acknowledge that I'm frustrated and discouraged by my health at times still. And that I'm committed to keep taking steps towards healing and praying for restoration.
Snowy Morning
It's nearly ten am, and I am sitting cross-legged beneath the blankets of my bed, with another thick blanket wrapped around my shoulders. It's cold out there, and the snow is still falling and still drifting.
I made it out of bed long enough to find some breakfast. Necessary so that I could take all of the supplements that are contributing to my return to being a stable human being rather than a frail person with no energy.
I think I'll mostly be staying in today, though I may venture to the mall briefly, and to the grocery store.
Baking, maybe a few creative projects. Some cleaning, time reading and thinking and praying and maybe even writing. Those are the things on the plan for today. Those and things like budgeting, painting my nails (fingers & toes), and perhaps some general organizing.
The wind is absolutely howling around our building, and the winter storm warning remains in effect. Like I said, I don't think I'll be venturing very far.
And yet, on days like this, I feel almost trapped and lonely. I wish for a friend who is stuck inside with me, or just for the ability to drive somewhere by myself for a bit, without having terrible panic at the state of the roads. Days like this make me wonder what I'm going to do with myself over the ten days I have off from work at Christmas. Ten days where my roommate will be out of town and I'll be rattling around the house alone.
I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll figure today out.
One day at a time. That's pretty much what I can manage these days.
I made it out of bed long enough to find some breakfast. Necessary so that I could take all of the supplements that are contributing to my return to being a stable human being rather than a frail person with no energy.
I think I'll mostly be staying in today, though I may venture to the mall briefly, and to the grocery store.
Baking, maybe a few creative projects. Some cleaning, time reading and thinking and praying and maybe even writing. Those are the things on the plan for today. Those and things like budgeting, painting my nails (fingers & toes), and perhaps some general organizing.
The wind is absolutely howling around our building, and the winter storm warning remains in effect. Like I said, I don't think I'll be venturing very far.
And yet, on days like this, I feel almost trapped and lonely. I wish for a friend who is stuck inside with me, or just for the ability to drive somewhere by myself for a bit, without having terrible panic at the state of the roads. Days like this make me wonder what I'm going to do with myself over the ten days I have off from work at Christmas. Ten days where my roommate will be out of town and I'll be rattling around the house alone.
I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll figure today out.
One day at a time. That's pretty much what I can manage these days.
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