More on the car crash

there was another article on the car crash I mentioned here yesterday in today's newspaper. I am connected to the victims and families and their community via my place of work, and my heart goes out to this community

Crash Haunts Victim's Mother

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

(yes, that is a shameless U2 reference in the title. I've loved their music for a long time, and downloaded the new album from Itunes last night. I forgot to update my ipod however, so now I'm looking forward to going home tonight and letting it play while I cook dinner.)

The world crashed in a little last night. You already know that if you read my previous post. I was angry and grieving. There have been some difficult things this week - anniversaries of sorts - that have underscored some deep losses of relationship, and the tenuous nature of others.

I was lonely and very, very angry. With God, and with a number of people. I think for the most part, it was a healthy sort of grief and anger. Better for it to find a bit of expression and release through writing and tears, than for that to remain within me, eating me from the inside out.

Some little things helped. An email from a new friend who saw the blog (I'll respond to you later today I hope). A conversation with my roommate. Reminding myself that it is okay to feel things (it still feels wrong at moments, to experience emotion, after all those years of depression so void of emotion. the negative emotions, in particular scare me, and I tend to bottle them instead of letting them exist, in fear of a return of the onslaught of depression.)

I can't make it on my own. And things animate and inanimate are helping this morning.

• the aforementioned email
• a genuine inquiry from my roommate (who has now seen me in some of the worst moments) as to my well-being tonight, and the offer of a listening ear as I drove her to the train
• a clarifying conversation with a dear friend
• a cup of tea
• smoked gouda cheese for breakfast (I know - that sounds weird, but I'm trying to eat protein in the mornings because it seems to helping with the mid-afternoon sugar crash and headache I often experience. Plus, I really like smoked gouda!)
• a beautiful, colorful fresh fruit salad that speaks of the promise of spring returning
• Amber Body Butter from the body shop
• Hemp lip protector also from the body shop. (And this one - I could rave about the brilliance of it. I get badly chapped lips - partly a side effect of our cold, dry climate at this time of year. I've only been using it for a couple days, but it works fantastically!)
• the promise of a nice dinner and a new U2 album to listen to tonight.
• a new top, purchased on the weekend, covered in an abstract design of black and purple roses against a white background.
• warm magic bags helping me with my seeming inability to regulate my own body heat.

Sometimes I can't make it on my own. And I'm thankful for the things that help me smile in the midst of that.