In the tension

I am thinking a lot, lately, about living in the tension between two realities, about being willing to exist in that space, instead of fighting against it in both directions.

I went to the seminar yesterday, and quite enjoyed myself. There was one really awkward moment, as I was walking with the lady who was teaching it, and a bunch of others along a busy downtown street, to pick up some lunch. She asked which sponsoring church I was a part of. I flinched a little, inside. Then I answered very calmly that I wasn't part of any of them. I'd gone to one (and I named it for her to give her context) but I wasn't going there any more, and I said it was a bit of long story. That was it.

But here's why I started this entry by mentioning that I've been thinking about living in tension lately. That's kind of why I left the church in the first place. I was frustrated with the unwillingness, or inability of some people to live with some very clear tensions in the lives of a number of people I was involved in caring for, and in my own life. When it became clear that things weren't going to change for a while, I spent hours and hours in prayer and conversation with a wide variety of people, and left for new spaces with a great deal of peace and rest about the decision, but frustration over the unresolved tensions.

I do not like conflict. I like to solve things. I want to clear them up, and most of the time, I want it to go "my" way. I become very easily convinced of my own "rightness."

So as I was driving to the seminar yesterday, I was praying. (I pray out loud a lot as I drive, especially since I had the car accident in December. I probably look a little like the crazy people I would laugh at as teenagers, talking to themselves, alone in their cars at traffic lights, but I'm okay with that!) I was praying, talking to Jesus about how much I was dreading what I perceived as a situation likely to be very awkward, and I was getting a bit angry that I was finding myself in this situation, and as I was praying, I felt like God was reminding me that I had done everything possible from my end to create resolution in the relationships that were damaged when I left the church, and to speak the things He had laid on my heart. More than that though, I felt like he was asking me how I could expect those I was angry with to live in places of tension that they found hard, if I wasn't myself willing to live in the tension of my obedience to what I felt him speaking, and the resulting relational strains.

So, I sit here today, staring at my computer screen, with candles lit behind me, Jason Upton singing on my stereo, and I resolve again to be willing to live in the tension. To spend tomorrow's time of Lenten fasting seeking the patience necessary for that sort of living in tension. Not just this one relational tension, but the tension of knowing God is calling me out, but that he has also asked me to walk through a season of waiting. Of knowing that God has called me to youth ministry for a time, and knowing that my personality is not always suited to youth ministry. Of knowing that there will be relational tension from time to time as I seek to walk God's path for me. Of knowing that God's path for me is NOT his path for everyone.

The mystery of the kingdom - already and not yet.