Still Pushing

I'm still tired. Still befuddled, still fighting. And committed to keep pushing through whatever this is. I'm grateful that tomorrow night is Converge, because it is often soul refreshing, and if not, well, at least I get to be with people I love!

I work tomorrow first - work is still hard. I don't want to be at this job anymore, and have struggled with discouragement among other things this week that I will never find a better job. Today at work was long. I didn't want to be there, didn't feel up to summoning the energy to fight the heaviness that has been sinking over my spirit as I enter. At least tomorrow's shift is mercifully short - four hours only.

Last night was restless - around 10:30 pm God started popping thoughts into my head. The whole theme of fire and water, of rivers and streams. I have pages of seemingly disconnected thoughts that I scribbled down as they came. Bits of songs and scripture, thoughts out of nowhere, things I've read. Every time I turned the lights out I needed to turn them back on and grab for the notebook I use for this sort of disconnected rambling and keep writing stuff down. I finally fell asleep with Jason Upton's "Mighty River" playing on the stereo beside my head.

And just before I woke this morning I had another vivid dream. It seems somehow to relate to the whole water/fire theme going on last night. Very odd, somewhat unsettling, so basically normal for me! You know, I used to only have these kinds of dreams once or twice a year. They've been happening once or twice a week for the last while. I've got to find someone to hang out with who is gifted in the interpretation of dreams, although some of them seem quite clear at times...

And with that, I'm off... I've got more to do with this whole fire and water thing... more rambling thoughts and research to do, and then it will be time to start at the beginning of the disconnected thoughts and begin to give them form and substance, to flesh out ideas, to breath life into the words, to pray them into clarity and meaning for my life. (Also, I think I'm going to go finish watching the first of the three Harry Potter movies I rented to watch over the next week!) And maybe some art... it's been on my mind all week to do something with art again. Plus, the mundane stuff of life like washing my hair, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry.