It's been a long, full, day.
Good and bad.
Hard and easy.
The mountains were lovely. But I was very glad to be home at the end of the day.
I went to hear my brother sing tonight. Which was unremarkable until the chorus sang Ave Maria to close the evening.
Tomorrow will be another full day, but will also hopefully hold some time for rest.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Mountains Again
It's funny, you know.
I'm going to the mountains today, and I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks.
But today, after the week I've had, it's the last place in the world that I want to be.
I'm not looking forward to all the driving (which I have to do because of the vehicle we're taking), or to being in the places I'm going to. Quite frankly I'd like to stay at home, hole up alone in my bedroom and cry.
The girls I'm going with know me well, and I don't have to totally hide my headspace. But there is a certain need to be "on". To have energy. To be into conversation instead of needing to process quietly in my own head.
I'm praying for the energy and ability to enjoy this day.
Because at the moment, I'm dreading it.
I'm going to the mountains today, and I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks.
But today, after the week I've had, it's the last place in the world that I want to be.
I'm not looking forward to all the driving (which I have to do because of the vehicle we're taking), or to being in the places I'm going to. Quite frankly I'd like to stay at home, hole up alone in my bedroom and cry.
The girls I'm going with know me well, and I don't have to totally hide my headspace. But there is a certain need to be "on". To have energy. To be into conversation instead of needing to process quietly in my own head.
I'm praying for the energy and ability to enjoy this day.
Because at the moment, I'm dreading it.
Insecure
I'm awake way too early.
Granted, I have to be out of the house by 9:15 on my way to the day's plans, but this is too early.
And I'm feeling neurotic and insecure.
I shared some rather vulnerable thoughts with a dear friend last night (and, to clarify up front, the response was fine).
But, even when the response was fine, the neuroses and insecurities rise up. The voices get loud, and sometimes they gain power.
I always forget that that's going to happen when I share myself, particularly the deeper parts of me, in writing. But it happens every time. I think it's kind of like how they say that women forget the pain of labor so that they'll have another child. If I remembered how strong the voices of insecurity would become, I'd be less likely to share.
These days I'm better at combatting them, and the lies they tell. In fact, I was quite amused as I journaled about one of the lines they were using last night. It was, I wrote, both the most difficult, and the easiest to counter.
They get loud, and for a day or two I'm neurotic.
In any case, I liked this line that Hope posted to her blog last night. You can find it here. I'm praying for my authentic self to appear.
Granted, I have to be out of the house by 9:15 on my way to the day's plans, but this is too early.
And I'm feeling neurotic and insecure.
I shared some rather vulnerable thoughts with a dear friend last night (and, to clarify up front, the response was fine).
But, even when the response was fine, the neuroses and insecurities rise up. The voices get loud, and sometimes they gain power.
I always forget that that's going to happen when I share myself, particularly the deeper parts of me, in writing. But it happens every time. I think it's kind of like how they say that women forget the pain of labor so that they'll have another child. If I remembered how strong the voices of insecurity would become, I'd be less likely to share.
These days I'm better at combatting them, and the lies they tell. In fact, I was quite amused as I journaled about one of the lines they were using last night. It was, I wrote, both the most difficult, and the easiest to counter.
They get loud, and for a day or two I'm neurotic.
In any case, I liked this line that Hope posted to her blog last night. You can find it here. I'm praying for my authentic self to appear.
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