Daily 5 - Day 83

Image by Darwin Bell via Flickr

Today's daily 5:

1. Still eating the fruit salad I made on the weekend every day. And loving the raspberries in it, even if raspberries are really too mushy to be good fruit salad fruit, and subsequently my fruit salad has a sort of raspberry glaze :)
2. A very productive evening
3. 2 days of yoga in a row (2 more to go this week)
4. Listening to hymns on my drive into work this week. Loving the lyrics. Loving that bits and pieces of writing ideas are springing to mind as I drive and pray and listen.
5. Listening to this sermon from Mahesh Chavda (preached at Bethel Church in Redding, California, recently) on my drive home today. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm loving it so far. It's particularly relevant to some things I've been thinking about - and I found some of his comments on snakes to be rather striking given some other things I've been reading and praying about. Plus, I've never heard him speak before, and he's FUNNY! (Funny is always a plus in my books.)
   

A Few Links

I found this article on the last Catholic high school in Detroit fascinating. A stunning statement about the way that values are shaped. And I loved the community involvement component of the curriculum, and the commitment of the school to be involved in their community.

I also quite enjoyed this cartoon at ASBO Jesus today... boy have I ever felt like that poor guy.

Still Thinking About Judgement

Last week I wrote here about the fact that I'm a judgemental person.

I was thinking about that again this morning.

I received an email from a list that I've been on for a while now, and it contained an article about a topic I've thought a lot about, discussed often, and feel quite strongly about.

I started to read the article. Twice.

And then I realized something. I wasn't reading the article because it covered a topic I've thought about and discussed and care deeply about. I was reading it because I was hunting for ammunition. Because I wanted to be right.

Because in the imaginary conversations that play out in my head, I wanted to be able to detail my point. To throw scriptures at my imaginary conversational partner. To win.

I want that imaginary conversation to end with my dialogue partner on their knees, begging my forgiveness for how poorly they've lived some things out.

I was reading because it let me judge. It was the wrong motivation.

And as I stared at the article without seeing, I felt that little mirror pop up in my heart. That voice that reflects yourself back at you and reminds you that you are engaging in the very thing for which you want to judge another.

Not a major or profound moment.

But a quiet reminder.

I closed the article. And the email it came in. And deleted the email.

Hopefully one little step towards letting go. Towards forgiveness and release instead of hatred and judgement. At least I pray so.

Year 5. Day 2. Celebrating Life.

Last night wasn't the greatest one for sleeping. It wasn't the worst one either. I wonder if my sleep schedule is possibly so sensitive to caffeine that the tiny cup of tea that I had at the Korean restaurant last night could have thrown things off? Or maybe I need to adjust the amount of melatonin I'm taking to sleep again... Guess I'll have to watch and wait on that one.

Thinking about the fact that I have U2 tickets is still bringing a smile to my face.

It's year 5, day 2. I feel like celebrating that these days. I think it's hard to explain unless you've been through the kind of depression I experienced for seven years, followed by that remarkable moment of healing, a few very good years, and then two very challenging years. It's probably hard to explain unless you've had the experience of being two days shy of the 4th anniversary of your healing, and for the first time in four years, as you ran through the mental "am I depressed" checklist, you realized that the honest answer was "I don't think so, but I don't know." "I don't know" is a pretty hard thing to hear when you've been clinging to healing. All of that comes together to have me in a place of wanting to celebrate each day that I am able to get out of bed. Each day that I wake with a commitment to find joy somewhere in the day. Each day that is maybe even just a tiny bit less "low" than some of the other days.

I did a bunch of health research on the weekend. I'll probably talk about some of it when I've had the time to process a bit further. I'm in a place of re-evaluating a number of things to do with my health and daily life. Budgeting. Making some lifestyle and diet changes. Just generally trying to do everything possible to recover from the place I've been for the last few years. To choose life. To be deeply joyful.

For the last day or so, the beginning of my favorite Psalm has been playing through my head and reminding my heart of healing and hope. It was a Psalm that I encountered in the days when I was first realizing that that evening of conversation and prayer with my friend on November 1, 2005 was far more potent than I realized. I knew I felt better, but it was a slow process after so many years of depression for me to be able to acknowledge and say with deep confidence and an incredibly grateful heart that I'd been healed. It was in that time period that I came across Psalm 116, which still holds incredible (and maybe even deeper) meaning for me now.

The verses that have been repeating in my head read:

I love the Lord for he heard my voice.
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I have breath.

Amen and amen. This is a day to celebrate that my cry for mercy was heard, and is heard. And I will call on him as long as I have breath.