mumbling, bumbling and other incoherence

It's been one of those introverted, not too much happening, thinking way too much kind of weeks. I can't quite believe that I haven't posted since last Sunday, but I haven't actually spent very much time at my computer (at least my home computer) this week.

I'm fumbling, bumbling, and mumbling under my breath as I wander through the maze of considering a change in churches. My church has entered a "transition" stage for what has to be at least the third time in the three years I've been attending. Not that transition is in any way bad - it's more that this particular phase of transitioning has reignited a number of questions and concerns that have been lying quiet and dormant for much of the last six months.

Some days I miss the whole not hearing from God thing. Other days I wish I could hear Him with the clarity I hear my mom telling me to wash dishes, or my dad asking me to clean up the yard after our dog so he can mow the back lawn. Most days I live somewhere in between not hearing at all and hearing with clear understanding. The infinite inbetweenness.

Rainy weather is bad for my state of mind when I'm already in a wrestling, mumbling, overthinking kind of phase. And the weather has been rainy since Wednesday morning. Pouring rain, grey skies with little to distinguish sunrise from sunset - mostly just soggy greyness everywhere. The streets, the sky, the whole world has felt grey this week.

Before the rain, on Tuesday night I went to a house concert in some friend's backyard. The band (Jacob and Lily - check them out - fabulous!) played under an apple tree decorated with twinkle lights and paper lanterns. I sat and simply soaked. Let the tension from too much thinking drain off a little, enjoyed the music, and enjoyed watching my friends enjoy the music. I love how many different ways there are for body language to communicate relaxation, enjoyment, concentration. Every person there a little different, but everyone seeming to have a great time. This event had to be by far one of the coolest things I've done this summer. Right up there with spending a day with Megs in the mountains. Sitting in mountain cirque in the sun and taking in the creation.

And one of Karla's CDs has been the perfect soundtrack for my introspective, overthinking, mellow, grey weather mood. I loaded it on my ipod the morning after the concert and have listened to it nearly every day on my commute to and from work.

So here's a question - what do you look for in a church community? I've been thinking and praying and thinking and praying, trying to figure out next steps, and I have no idea. I have some vague notions of what things are important to me, and even some clear ideas, but I have no idea how to make a decision about changing, or even what things I need to think about. I grew up in the church my dad pastored, and stumbled in my current church community completely by accident. I haven't so much had to think about these sorts of things before. So I'm really asking all of you blog readers for your insights.

Keep praying for us. Tuesday night the first batch of friends is gathering at my home to barbeque and to pray and be in scripture together. This is a dream beginning to play out, and I feel helpless and nervous. As much as I crave genuine community, it scares me to death. I'm pretty up front with my flaws, with my mumblings and bumblings, but it still scares me to commit to always being honest about those things. To share all of them, not just the ones I can make funny or pretty. But it's something God has placed so heavily on me - a calling to live a genuine life before Him and the world. Most days I fail miserably. Most days I don't remember that I'm trying to live out a God calling, and I live a "Lisa" calling. But I really do want so much more out of this... Pray for us, that we will push through and genuinely be open with each other, that we will genuinely seek the heart of God as we gather.