Dumb Decision

I made a stupid decision today.

I was exhausted, and angry, and hurting, and broken, and frustrated, and I made a stupid decision.

Nothing life altering, thankfully. Just dumb.

Something I knew fairly quickly wouldn't solve the exhaustion, anger, hurt, brokenness, or frustration. That would in fact likely add to a couple of those categories.

I've told people for years when I've shared about the lessons I learned in the midst of depression that they shouldn't make any decisions when they're in a low.

I ignored my own advice today.

And I regret it.

On the edge of a precipice

I am broken and overwhelmed.

A friend of mine has a lyric that reads "the lie, the lie is becoming convincing".

The lies are overwhelmingly strong today. And they are becoming convincing.

There is very little strength to stand, and even less to fight.

I had a disturbing dream just before waking again this morning, and the vivid nature of this one has carried with me into the day.

I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, trying to prevent myself from falling into pitch darkness and danger. There were only two spike like stalagmites, one on either side of me to hold on to to prevent the fall. I had no choice but to hold them, but they are like razors, and slice my hands when I do. I was in pain and my hands were bleeding, and I was working to prevent the fall into nothingness...

It haunts me today, the image of my bloody and painful hands, gripping a razor like object for dear life.