- Paying off my line of credit, however bittersweet, is a huge deal, and one I'm proud of. I think I'm also thankful for the lessons learned in years of paying off some decisions I might make differently today.
- fruit smoothie for breakfast, waiting for me when I arrived at mom and dad's this morning
- waking up to challenging and inspiring words in a daily email devotional written by Richard Rohr
- the Asbo Jesus cartoon I included in my earlier post about how the day was bittersweet
- really enjoying the new book I'm reading... it'll get it's own post one of these days
- all the funny little ways I'm learning to simplify life and let go of past stuff... using up candles that I've "saved" for years... going through clothes and even books
- taking some time tonight to clean my bedroom, even though I don't spend much time in this space
- mom asked me to cook supper tonight, and bake cookies sometime this week. I did both of those things tonight, at my own pace, since no one was around to eat supper at a given time except me. I like to cook with someone, but I really love just moving around the kitchen on my own, at my own pace. I do some of my best praying while I'm cooking like that, and, when the butter chicken for supper was simmering, I decided to tackle the cookies too, just because I was appreciating the way simply doing something I loved that I hadn't done in a while was calming me, and focusing my thoughts to pray in a week where I really needed to spend some time lifting some people I love before Jesus.
- lightly scented candles...
- 2 mugs of rooibos tea this afternoon as I studied
- "watching" episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd while I puttered and cleaned tonight.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 3
Today's Daily 5:
Bittersweet: Mourning the Loss and Celebrating, Too
This morning I paid off my line of credit. And then promptly cried. Hard.
It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting on finding myself suddenly free from all debt except for my student loans. But it was the reaction that came.
There is a huge sense of relief in having that debt disappear. It frees up a significant chunk of money each month. That in itself is a blessing since I don't have income coming in at the moment. And the weight of knowing that I was in debt, that's gone too.
But it made me ache, too, for a number of reasons.
The first is this. I had the money to pay off my debt because I lost my job. For the years I was employed at the company that dismissed me in May, a mandatory portion of my paycheque was deducted and matched by the company and put into an RRSP fund that I couldn't access. Because I lost my job in a way that some days still makes me ache a little, I could now access those funds, and I made the decision to do so in the hope that paying off the debt would be a huge financial help in the midst of the financially tighter time that has come from being so unexpectedly unemployed, and that I face as I face the reality that I will be a student for the next several years, and certainly not enjoying the relative degree of financial independence that I had while employed full time in a decent paying job.
The second reason for feeling bittersweet is the harder one, and it is the one that prompted tears. The debt that I paid off came from a time nearly three years ago now, when I followed what I believed (and believe) was God's prompting, and then watched as nearly everything in life that I'd been certain of disintegrated around me. The debt came as unexpected costs of travel meant that I bought groceries on my credit card to ensure that a rent cheque would clear. It came from flights and rental cars as I traveled to various locales both to maintain my sanity (in part by collecting hugs from a dear friend) and to work to patch up rifts that seemed to grow ever larger. I don't regret spending the money on those things, and they were my choice, but the debt, and now, the ending of it, is a reminder of the many things and relationships in which my heart was deeply invested that now seem lost to me. It was a reminder of the cost, and somehow, the end of it makes that cost seem so much more final.
I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but this cartoon from a blog I love, ASBO Jesus struck me as I thought about all of this today. I laughed, hard, and a bit ruefully as I considered it.
In some ways I feel like parts of myself were lost over the last years. And somehow paying off the debt was a reminder of those losses, and the tears a pause again to recognize them.
And yet, I am becoming more whole each day. I choose to believe that. That healing is coming in new and special ways. That being free from debt opens doors even as it seems to in some ways close others. And if I get to choose (and I increasingly believe I do), then that is what I'm going to focus on. New beginnings, even as I pause to mourn the loss.
It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting on finding myself suddenly free from all debt except for my student loans. But it was the reaction that came.
There is a huge sense of relief in having that debt disappear. It frees up a significant chunk of money each month. That in itself is a blessing since I don't have income coming in at the moment. And the weight of knowing that I was in debt, that's gone too.
But it made me ache, too, for a number of reasons.
The first is this. I had the money to pay off my debt because I lost my job. For the years I was employed at the company that dismissed me in May, a mandatory portion of my paycheque was deducted and matched by the company and put into an RRSP fund that I couldn't access. Because I lost my job in a way that some days still makes me ache a little, I could now access those funds, and I made the decision to do so in the hope that paying off the debt would be a huge financial help in the midst of the financially tighter time that has come from being so unexpectedly unemployed, and that I face as I face the reality that I will be a student for the next several years, and certainly not enjoying the relative degree of financial independence that I had while employed full time in a decent paying job.
The second reason for feeling bittersweet is the harder one, and it is the one that prompted tears. The debt that I paid off came from a time nearly three years ago now, when I followed what I believed (and believe) was God's prompting, and then watched as nearly everything in life that I'd been certain of disintegrated around me. The debt came as unexpected costs of travel meant that I bought groceries on my credit card to ensure that a rent cheque would clear. It came from flights and rental cars as I traveled to various locales both to maintain my sanity (in part by collecting hugs from a dear friend) and to work to patch up rifts that seemed to grow ever larger. I don't regret spending the money on those things, and they were my choice, but the debt, and now, the ending of it, is a reminder of the many things and relationships in which my heart was deeply invested that now seem lost to me. It was a reminder of the cost, and somehow, the end of it makes that cost seem so much more final.
I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but this cartoon from a blog I love, ASBO Jesus struck me as I thought about all of this today. I laughed, hard, and a bit ruefully as I considered it.
In some ways I feel like parts of myself were lost over the last years. And somehow paying off the debt was a reminder of those losses, and the tears a pause again to recognize them.
And yet, I am becoming more whole each day. I choose to believe that. That healing is coming in new and special ways. That being free from debt opens doors even as it seems to in some ways close others. And if I get to choose (and I increasingly believe I do), then that is what I'm going to focus on. New beginnings, even as I pause to mourn the loss.
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