Daily 5 - Day 183

I was wondering earlier tonight if I was going to find anything to write for this list tonight.  It was just that kind of day, where the battle to really choose to live joyfully felt like a bit of a losing one.  It's amazing how perspective can shift if you're willing to let God work, and if I'm willing to really choose to try to see things differently.  It shocks me every time.

Today's Daily 5:

1.  I lost my coffee break to an errand for a lunch event I didn't want to attend.  I can choose to think about it that way, or I can remember that it was a really sunny, temperate, Chinooking February day, and because of the errand I got in a ten minute walk in the bright sun.
2. I accomplished one of the "goals" on my list for the year, and learned how my roommate makes frittata.
3. The potluck lunch at work which I was dreading, and in many ways didn't enjoy, had great food.  I'm choosing to be thankful for a tasty, free lunch.
4. After work I showered and styled my hair curly.  I always feel prettier when it's curly, and more like myself, and it was nice to feel that way since home church was tonight.
5. Hugs from two friends at home church.
6. Sharing just a little about the upcoming transition, and the ongoing health ramifications from my accident, and being prayed for.  Honestly, those few minutes, surrounded by some really loving ladies, were the highlight of my day.  I pray nearly constantly a lot of days, but I have always found there is something incredibly calming to my spirit when it is hurting, racing, or wounded, in hearing the verbal prayers of someone else for me.  It's like it is in those moments that I am able to quiet the other noise, and let my spirit truly receive from God.
7. Chatting with a new friend about Haiti, and friend of a friend connections.
8. One of my new friends is a midwife who is licensed in the states, and not Canada, and isn't ablet to work as a midwife here, and she was present when her sister gave birth last week.  It was fun to see the joy and amazement in her face as she shared her pleasure at being able to witness a birth again.
9. Chatting with a friend at work for a bit this afternoon.  The day was so rough, and it was nice to just talk about some mundane stuff of life, and not think about the intense stuff for a bit.
10. Some encouraging emails and thoughts over the last several days from a dear friend.

How it goes...

This has been a pretty rough day.

I don't even need to close my eyes to be immediately back in the moment mid-dream that I came awake.

It's there, pushing constantly at the edge of my conciousness, demanding attention.

It's been a long time since I had a "dream" experience of this intensity.  I dream regularly, nearly daily, and the intensity of those has been building again for the last few weeks, but I haven't seen anything like this in quite some time.

It was horrendously dark.

Different, in many ways, from the other dreams of that nature, in that this time I was clearly protected in the midst of it, but I am still deeply disturbed by what I saw.

In some ways it reinforces my need to take great care in what I watch.  Some of what I saw was clearly influenced by a partial documentary on North Korean concentration camps that we watched last week at my house church.  I knew that night that watching was a risk, and decided to make that calculated choice.

I woke praying deeply for the country of North Korea as well.  It's sort of the problem with being incredibly sensitive to visuals and world events, as well as being an intercessor type. 

I can't focus today, with this experience from the wee hours of the morning continually at the edge of my consciousness.  It's there, calling for my attention, and as the day has worn on, my prayers have become more exhausted and frantic.

I remain grateful for the protection that existed this time.  I felt like myself, but a slightly more courageous and protected version of myself, as I moved among the characters and scenes I was witnessing.  Now, at the other end of the day, I still like that version of myself.  I would hope to continue to grow into her, helping those in need, not cowed before evil.  Aware of the dangers of the moment, and moving carefully, but moving nonetheless, rather than frozen.  Drops of cool water for those in need.  In that way, at least, I am challenged by the dream, and grateful for it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fearful of going to sleep later tonight, and even fearful of the unpredictability of the house church gathering that I'll attend again today.  Wondering if I will see more things that shift again my experience of the spiritual.  Wondering if I'll close my eyes as my head rests on the pillow tonight, and be back in the middle of the macabre moment in which I woke.  I can witness that.  I have the strength to do so.  But I'd rather find deep rest and peace.

So I find myself praying, slightly desperately, for the darkness that still feels so near to be pushed back from me.  It's an odd prayer, since I am still feeling somewhat protected amidst it, and confident that I will not be harmed.  But it's a prayer of wanting room for breathing - space for light to expand.

That's how it goes right now... I'm grateful today's hours of work are nearly over, and that tomorrow is the last day before a long weekend.  The break will be refreshing, I hope.

When you run out of things to blog about...

(I "stole" this from Dana.)

Bold the ones that make you happy or smile.


1. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

2. Completing a successful project with a good friend.

3. Lying in bed and listening to the rain outside.


4. A bubble bath.


5. Seeing someone you love do something outstanding.

6. Making the winning score.

7. Being told you did an excellent job by your peers.

8. Sledding down a hill during a big snow storm.

9. Hitting the winning run in the bottom of the ninth.

10. Running your best time.

11. Hugging your dad or mom.

12. When your sibling says they love you.

13. When your dog jumps around because it’s happy to see you.

14. Finishing a good book.

15. Having flowers sent to you.


16. A clear day at the beach.


17. An unexpected present.


18. A surprise visit from a friend.

19. Seeing a falling star.


20. A beautiful sunset.

21. Finding a nest of baby bunnies.

22. Listening to music.

23. Solving a problem.

24. A hot air balloon ride.

25. Your favorite meal.


26. A new hobby.


27. A long distance call from a friend.

28. A hug.

29. Eating pizza.

30. A long, hot shower.

31. A spider web with dew on it in the early morning sun.

32. Reading under an electric blanket on a cold, rainy day.

33. Getting your driver’s license.

34. Having your face licked by a puppy.

35. A wedding.


36. A newborn baby.

37. Swimming the last lap.

38. Christmas carols.

39. Good grades.


40. Giving someone something they’ve always wanted.

41. Your team winning.

42. Watching a child open presents.

43. New pencils, supplies, and clothes on the first day of school.

44. Your first solo bike ride.

45. Chili dogs.

46. A kitten.

47. Climbing trees.

48. Watching the moon.


49. Running in the autumn leaves.

50. Relaxing with Saturday morning cartoons.

51. Playing the piano.

52. Sailing.

53. Dancing.

54. Fixing something that’s been broken.

55. Creavitity.

56. Football.

57. Slumber parties.

58. Friends.

59. Having someone tell you their most valuable secrets.

60. Colors.

61. Frisbees.

62. Being appreciated.

63. The first week of school.

64. The last week of school.

65. A great idea.

66. Plunging your hot body into a cool pool.

67. A thunderstorm.


68. Making someone laugh.


69. Walking on the beach.

70. Decorating a Christmaschanukah bush.

71. A job well done.

72. The quiet after a snow fall.


73. Making someone smile.

74. Singing.

75. A letter from a friend.


76. Hearing someone say, “I love you”.

77. Holding hands.

78. The first spring flower.


79. Loving yourself.


81. Breakfast in bed.

82. Snuggling.

83. The soft skin of a baby.

84. Having a wish come true.

85. Driving for the first time in your first car.

86. Getting an A on a test you thought you failed.

87. Finding out your crush likes you back.

88. Your first paycheck.

89. Your pet coming in your bed to sleep with you.

90. Getting a gift you’ve always wanted.


91. Riding a horse.

92. Riding on a Ferris wheel.


93. Rollercoasters.

94. Making something outstanding.

95. Walking on a cool autumn day.


96. Having a three hour long phone conversation with a best friend.


97. Having your plans turn out perfect.


98. Seeing your favorite item on sale for extremely cheap.

99. Being around optimistic people.


100. Seeing someone smile when they see you.

And Exhale

Last night was brutal.

The dreams were intense, and vivid, and quite frankly, nightmarish in quality.

That type of night does nothing for easing the aching muscles I'm still struggling with.

Today will be long.

I lose my coffee break to a must be done errand, and my lunch hour to a potluck I'd rather not participate in.

Then home via the train, and out to house church.

Right now I'm not feeling like I'm going to make it.

But somehow I will.