Sigh

I melted down, just a little when I got home from work tonight. More tears than in a long time, but still not the sobbing release that I'm longing for.

Then, I went back to avoidance. I'm very good at avoidance. I'm not very good at lying to myself.

I went to the mall. I got starbucks. I came home and ate dinner. Watched an episode or two of the West Wing on dvd. Took a long, hot bath with the novel I'm currently reading. And all I could think through all of these things I love was that I was avoiding talking with Jesus.

Because, you see, I really didn't want to meet with Jesus at the end of a long day. I wondered if he'd show up. I wondered what kind of pain might come with meeting him.

So the night wore on, and I began to realize something. I complain all the time about the nights on end where I sleep poorly. When I'm avoiding, I'm guaranteed to sleep even more poorly than usual.

So, I spent time on the floor. Waiting, and listening.

Did He show up? I'm not sure, but at least, for 30 minutes or so, I wasn't avoiding. And hopefully that means I'll catch at least a little bit of sleep tonight.

Not Sure What to Say

I'm not actually sure what I want to say to you all right now.

I'm tired.

This has been another one of the hard days. (Though thankfully not quite so hard as others this week.)

I'm tired of the hard days.

My neck and spine ache.

I have a headache. A bad one.

I'm going to see if I can buy an audio Bible tonight. For two reasons. The first is that I've realized I cling to scripture, but I've been too exhausted to read and absorb lately, and I'm hoping that listening will do the trick. The other is that I fall asleep with a book or a sermon on cd playing nearly every night, and I like the idea of scripture playing over me as I try to sleep.

I'm not sure I'll actually buy one. I'm a bit ambivalent about spending the money right now.

I should really attack any number of projects once I get home tonight, but I think I'm going to take a night off. Light some candles, maybe some incense, and curl up in a chair and do something mindless for a while. Maybe lay on my floor and talk with Jesus. Maybe do a bit of reading. Maybe just a bubble bath and then attack the project of beginning to pack for our move. Either way, I need a bit of down time.

To Do

These are the things I need to get done today or at least this weekend (personally and professionally both):

• phone Christian Publications (the downtown location)
• go to Christian Publications after work (assuming the phone call produces the needed results)
• check the status of my bank account
• make a credit card payment
• talk to J. and L. about being reimbursed for a portion of the deposit I put on our new house last weekend
• begin packing for our upcoming move (only really a week away)
• go to the library to return some books and pick up some I've ordered in
• go through my clothes and pare down
• take the pared down ones to a consignment shop that will donate anything they don't sell to charity
• look up "spiritual temperments" which my brother mentioned to me and managed to intrigue me with
• do some research on Archbishop Oscar Romero
• Email T., who is in England at the moment
• make sure I have the phone numbers for both our current and our new landlord stored in my cell phone
• Call my aunt to wish her "happy birthday" and to see if we can borrow her truck to move next weekend
• visit some stores to see if we can get boxes for moving (liquor stores work great for this)
• check on my cable bill
• spend some time laying on my floor again, waiting
• create a labelling method for our commercial department's new files
• design a layout for the company's spring newsletter, to be mailed to 5000 policyholders soon
• create a new set of receipt numbers for our personal policies department
• order a printer cartridge

That's it. For the moment anyway. Groceries were on that list yesterday, but M. and I went grocery shopping after we were at the bookstore last night. (I love that my best friend indulges my need to do errands and lets me take advantage of her wheels!)

Tight-Knit Community

I mentioned earlier this week that someone with whom I have some vague connections was killed in a car accident.

I'd forgotten what a small community the Young Life world really is, and I've watched and prayed this week as a wide variety of people I know and know of, spread across the country, have responded to this tragedy.

It's left me wondering what sort of ripple it would make if I were to die suddenly. I've been lonely and isolated lately. Not sure that's a healthy thing, and not entirely sure that I'm ready to come out of that isolation either. My soul still feels pretty bruised. But I'm hoping it will soon be time to emerge.

The obituary for Julian Dabbagh can be found here.

Speaking at the Right Time

From Henri Nouwen again:

Right Living and Right Speaking

To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.

When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.