Today...

Today…

I am wearing a vintage (retro?) cream colored blouse from South America, boldly embroidered with flowers in bright pinks, oranges and reds, over a cute lacey black tank top with jeans and black flip-flops. (Have I mentioned that the only good thing about Stampede is an entire week of casual days?) I’m also pondering the difference between vintage and retro, and wondering how to determine which category my blouse falls into. It was purchased in the seventies, likely in Colombia but possibly in Peru, by my dad, but was shrunk in the wash sometime about a decade ago, and found it’s way into my closet, where it is pulled out from time to time for those days when I either need to dress “western” or just want something a little bit bohemian and different.

I am wearing a toe-ring on my left pinky finger. It has three tiny silver butterflies on it, and it makes me smile and reminds me of some important things.

I phoned the telephone company and argued them into giving me a credit for the several days of phone and internet service that they didn’t provide to me last week. My next phone and internet bill will be $14 cheaper than usual.

I emailed someone about a lawnmower.

I invited my brothers to join some friend and family for dinner at my new house next week.

I left a phone message for my mom, checking if she’d confirmed that same dinner invitation with my dad, and asking her to email me the recipe I need so that we actually have something to eat that night.

I took the bus from my new house for the very first time.

I am wearing a "diamond" in my nose piercing.

I am listening to a playlist I made for a dear friend last fall, and enjoying the music I picked for her then.

I am sipping water from a plastic bottle, because the stainless steel one I wanted to buy was sold out at the natural food store when I stopped by there the other day.

I spent 20 minutes on hold with the local public transit authority, to have a two minute conversation about where I can catch the bus to get home tonight.

I am going to move some boxes belonging to my roommate (currently vacationing for a month in Europe) from our basement into her closet, to await her return.

I am going to collapse some of the boxes from moving that we’re keeping, and store them in our basement.

I am going to collapse the moving boxes we’re not keeping, and load them into the trunk of the car for a trip to the recycling depot in the next few days.

I am going to listen to another segment of a dramatized version of “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” while I stick labels and stuff envelopes for most of the afternoon. I’m also going to try to stay awake while doing this task. I nearly fell asleep at my desk doing the same thing yesterday afternoon.

I’m going to eat either leftover chicken and couscous, or ichiban soup for supper.

I’m going to clean all the empty boxes out of our kitchen.

I’m going to phone our landlord to check on if there’s a smoke detector in our house somewhere that I’m not seeing, since our tenants insurance requires us to have a smoke alarm.

I’m going to bring my clean laundry upstairs from the basement where we hung it to dry on Monday night, and I’m going to fold the laundry that’s sitting in a chair in my bedroom.

I’m hoping to also bring all of my shoes and boots up from the basement, and settle them into either our hall closet or my bedroom closet.

I’m going to measure my bedroom window to see about getting blinds installed on the weekend.

I’m going to make a list of a few little things about our house that I need to ask my dad about.

I’m going to enjoy being productive, but I’m also going to scrap whatever I need to from this list in order to rest, enjoy the people I love, and make those things the priority in my life.

Tired. Quiet.

Quiet. Tired.

Those two words pretty much sum it up right now.

My thoughts are actually not that quiet. They’re racing and wrestling, they’re just not forming written words very much at the moment. Or at least not written words that are suitable for public consumption.

Tired.

Well, tired says it all. Moving is a much more exhausting process than I remembered. I don’t understand those people who love moving, and do it frequently.

My roommate and I are taking it slowly wherever we can. I got rid of my much admired “loft bed” and desk in the process of this move, and, while not precisely regretting it, am definitely not going to be able to handle sleeping on my mattress on the floor for very long. I want some sort of captains bed – with drawers or a bookshelf underneath to give the bed some height and me some storage space. My roommate and I are going to Ikea tonight in a hunt for a number of little items we need to make our new space homey and liveable. I need to look at a bed, she needs a duvet. We jointly need things like picture hanging hooks. I need lavender scented candles.

Also high on my list of priorities will be to buy and put up blinds or curtains in my bedroom. My bedroom faces east, and with no window covering, I’ll be up with the birds all summer if I don’t resolve the situation. I have enough trouble sleeping without adding that.

We’ve declared tonight a “slow night”. We’ll visit Ikea when we meet up after work. We’re cooking pork chops with a cinnamon peach sauce, and probably some frozen veggies and either potatoes or couscous for dinner. We’re going to sit on our couch and watch either a movie or television for the evening. I’ll unpack the bookshelf in our living room. While we’re sitting we’ll collapse all the filing boxes and their lids that I purchased for moving, and then we’ll store them in our basement for the next time (which will hopefully not be for a while.)

Hopefully internet at home will be up and running by tomorrow morning, and I can back to a more regular schedule of blogging, reading the news, and checking emails.

Bruised!

I'm telling you now that I must be one of the most easily bruised objects on the planet.

I bruise the way over-ripe fruit bruises.

After moving on Saturday, I woke up Sunday morning, headed for the shower, and noticed that all parts of my body are bruised. There are bruises on parts of my body that I don't remember coming in contact with anything over the course of moving.

Today, out of interest, I counted. There are 21 bruises (all relatively small and minor) spread across nearly my entire body. I look like someone beat me up with a tiny hammer.

Ah well... such is life I suppose.

In Between...

We got everything into storage.

I'm staying at my parent's house for a few days, in between losing the old house, and taking possession of the new house.

I spent most of the day by myself today.

In the mountains.

And a brief visit with friends.

It was a much needed break.

Back to work for tomorrow, then off on Tuesday for the Canada Day holiday and to begin settling into our new house.

Panic

Have I mentioned recently that I don't handle transition well?

In an hour I leave to pick up my mom, and go get the truck we're using to move.

I'm laying here on my mattress, on the floor of my boxed up and empty bedroom, fighting off a panic attack.

I started the morning off right by puking.

There are frightened tears running down my cheeks.

By tonight I'll be okay again.

And then I'll probably panic again on Tuesday.

I wonder sometimes where I learned to fear change.

I'd hoped this move would be a bit easier. After all, I've only lived in this place for a year. I lived in my previous home for nearly 24 years.

And yet, as I lay down to go to bed last night, all I could think was "this is the last night I'll spend here." And, "I feel safe here."

I fear the unknown.

I fear the new transit arrangements I'll have to figure out.

And the "differentness" of a new house, new bedroom, new street and neighborhood.

I'm exhausted. Three hours of sleep is not enough to have the energy to get through the day.

And I don't think I'm going to be able to eat either. My stomach remains extraordinarily unhappy with me.

I guess I'll just keep praying.

And stay hydrated. (In small sips, so it stays down).

Okay.

There's still packing to finish.

Here I go.

Moving

Things may be a little quiet around here for the next week or so. Our move happens in approximately 11 hours. Which means I should be sleeping. But I'm not.

We move all of our things into storage at the new place tomorrow (today now, I guess).

But we don't actually take possession of the new place until noon on Tuesday.

So we're going to live in limbo and crash at my parent's place for a few days.

Which means I might be a little busy.

And that I probably won't get around to blogging for the next few days.

Ah well.

You'll survive without me I'm sure.

Not Sure What to Say

I'm not actually sure what I want to say to you all right now.

I'm tired.

This has been another one of the hard days. (Though thankfully not quite so hard as others this week.)

I'm tired of the hard days.

My neck and spine ache.

I have a headache. A bad one.

I'm going to see if I can buy an audio Bible tonight. For two reasons. The first is that I've realized I cling to scripture, but I've been too exhausted to read and absorb lately, and I'm hoping that listening will do the trick. The other is that I fall asleep with a book or a sermon on cd playing nearly every night, and I like the idea of scripture playing over me as I try to sleep.

I'm not sure I'll actually buy one. I'm a bit ambivalent about spending the money right now.

I should really attack any number of projects once I get home tonight, but I think I'm going to take a night off. Light some candles, maybe some incense, and curl up in a chair and do something mindless for a while. Maybe lay on my floor and talk with Jesus. Maybe do a bit of reading. Maybe just a bubble bath and then attack the project of beginning to pack for our move. Either way, I need a bit of down time.

The Ongoing Saga

Would you believe that the woman who screwed us out of a house yesterday afternoon had the nerve to phone me this afternoon and see if we still wanted the house?

This would be the woman who rented the place out from under us, even though we'd put a deposit on it.

Seems her other plan didn't work out, and she's still looking for tenants.

I very nicely (but strongly) told her that I would have to speak with my roommates, but that we'd been very angry with the way she had handled our situation, and that I felt it was unlikely (something my roommates and I discussed yesterday) that we would still want to do business with her.

So, later this afternoon, on our way to check out a new house, I'll speak with my roommates, but I would suspect that we won't be going back to our original plan. It doesn't seem that it would be a wise decision to put our living arrangements in the hands of someone who has already treated them flippantly once.

Back to House Hunting

So... the house we'd lined up has fallen through, and we're now in a bit more of a rush to find someplace to live at the end of the month.

Long and short is, the previous tenants had left a disaster in the house, including a ton of furniture we don't want. The landlord we were going to rent from found a family that will take the house as is, and needs the furniture. She doesn't have to pay someone to empty and clean the house if she rents to this person instead of us.

So, we're back to the hunting stage...

I managed to line up one viewing for tonight, immediately after work, and I've printed a bunch of ads that I'll call this evening.

Praying for this to be settled very soon.

I think I might engage in a little "retail therapy" tonight. I have some things I need to pick up, and shopping just might do the trick in the "burning off some sudden stress" category!

Moving

While I was away on the weekend, my roommate began the process of finalizing a lease on a house for the next year. We have a few details left to work out, but it would seem that come the end of June, I'll be moving.

It was a great relief to arrive home and discover that this had been sorted out.

I'm not looking forward to moving, but I am looking forward to being settled in a new place.

The Roommate Situation

About a year ago at this time, I was having panic attacks. I'd just picked up a girl with whom I'd exchanged only about 4 emails ever from the Calgary airport, and we'd signed a one year lease on a basement suite, and we were going to live together. I think I'd met her approximately one week prior to agreeing to spend the next year of my life in close quarters with her.

She'd never lived in North America (she's a Kiwi who grew up as an MK in West Africa) before. I'd never lived away from my parent's house before. Together we figured out this "flatting" in Calgary business.

Tonight I found myself sitting next to her on a couch, visiting with her parents (in from New Zealand), and her boyfriend (down from parts north to meet the parents) and reflecting that God knew what he was doing when he put us together.

J. has become a special friend. She's put up with my crazy moods this last while as I've sought to assimilate a great many changes in a short time. It was with great affection that I sat and teased her about having to sleep on my bedroom floor tonight. (her parents are using her bedroom, and her boyfriend will occupy our living room floor, where she's been sleeping for the last week or so while her parents have been with us.)

It was a random connection just over a year ago. Our parents had met each other once, just over a decade previously, in West Africa, and had many mutual friends who put the two of us in touch with each other.

Or maybe not so random. Maybe a gift from a God who knew precisely what I needed at the moment when I so badly needed to be out from under my parent's roof.

We're getting ready to move again. (We're adding a third girl - another Kiwi - to the mix). We visited a potential house tonight, and J. will follow up with the landlord to ask some questions and possibly arrange a lease in the morning.

Over the last year we've laughed together. Cooked together (and apart). We've both travelled to a wide variety of places, on the North American continent, and not so much. We've painted toenails and tinted eyelashes. And in the last few months, as we've each navigated major changes in our lives, we've hugged, we've cried, and even occasionally prayed together. (And there was that one memorable afternoon where we were both truly miserable and together feasted on the richest cheesecake we could buy for take-away at a local restaurant, and watched the goofiest movie we could think of.)

Tonight I'm thankful that God sent me J., just at the right moment. I'm thankful that someone who started out as a "convenient roommate" has become a friend who sees the deep places of my heart and loves me anyway.

Smile List - June 4 Edition

Things Making Me Smile

My baby brother, T.’s, facebook status last night read “T. is getting calluses again.” This is fantastic news. It means that he’s been able to begin playing his guitar again after nearly two years. It means that the last surgery, the one earlier this spring where they shortened one of the bones in his wrist, seems to have been successful.

On Friday a collection of 10 different nose studs that I ordered online arrived in the mail. I got a great deal on them, and I’m quite enjoying having a rainbow of colors at my easy disposal.

We are looking at a house that seems to be a good possibility for the three of us (and fits our varied criteria) tomorrow night.

It wasn’t raining for my commute in to work this morning, so I arrived warm and dry for a change.

I’m reading a quite fascinating book on the topic of treating addicts right now.

Because I’m taking a few days off of work to visit a dear friend, I only have today and tomorrow left in the office. AND, next week will also be a short week.

A much anticipated visit with a dear friend.

A breakfast date with my best friend M., on Friday morning.

Animal Crackers.

Fresh apricots.

Canned peaches.

My current purse, which is a canvas bag with an Andy Warhol print of a campbell’s soup can on the front of it. (A $5 purchase the last time I hung out with Rae).

Skirt weather. I love wearing skirts.

Water. I really love water. Drinking it. Being in it. Being near a body of it.

The overflow of company in our house ends at the end of this week. I’ve loved having people stay with us, but I’ll be glad when things quiet down a little, especially since we now need to start thinking about packing for our impending move. My roommate has promised me “no more company” for the remainder of June.

A quiet day at the office yesterday, with much time to think and pray.

Things to do at the office today and tomorrow, to make the last two days for the week go more quickly.

Overthinking?

I have a headache. I think it’s from having a particularly stiff neck and upper back at the moment, but it could be from any number of things, including over-thinking.

I’m thinking about the following things right now:

Whether or not this is the year to begin studying for my master’s degree in counseling.

That I need to find a house or apartment or basement suite, or condo or duplex. We’ve given our landlord notice that we will be moving out at the end of June, but now we need to find somewhere to move to. Somewhere with three bedrooms and enough living space that the three of us won’t be on top of each other all the time. Somewhere that fits a few criteria such as having laundry on-site (of the free non coin-operated variety), and being within walking distance of the train.

Various possibilities for travel in the next year or so.

A long conversation I had with my roommate last night about whether or not it’s appropriate that her boyfriend spends the night on our living room floor when he comes to visit her (he lives in a city three hours away, and comes about once a month). Some of her friends find this inappropriate, but it doesn’t bother either her or me, as long as both of us are home overnight (i.e. she never stays alone in the house with him).

That I’m wondering when you stop hoping to “catch up” on sleep. If you haven’t slept properly for years, at what point do you just accept that your body’s version of a “normal” amount of sleep is apparently different from the rest of the world’s.

That I’m excited to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight.

That relationships are really the most beautiful, ugly, simple, complicated, enthralling, angering thing in the world.

That the line from Simon and Garfunkel’s “I am a Rock” that goes “If I’d never loved I never would have cried…” is surprisingly true.

That I need to call my best friend.

That I need to fold laundry.

That I need to clean my bedroom.

That I need to sweep the floor in our bathroom, hallway, kitchen, and my bedroom.

That I need to rework my budget. Again.

That I’m glad I have no plans tonight, and can go straight home from work and relax and do “domestic” type things.

That I want a manicure just for the heck of it… (and that my best friend and I have plans to get manicures together one of the next times we hang out).

That I’m loving my sparkly light purple toe-nail polish.

That the tasks on my “to do” list for work are all painfully tedious at the moment.

That I have a staff meeting I don’t want to attend this afternoon.

That I have a department meeting tomorrow morning that is likely to be extraordinarily awkward and has the potential to be explosive.

That I’m really glad this day is half-way over.

That it’s “Sarcastic Wednesday” (google this for the video that explains it).

That moving is going to be a bigger pain this time, because we’ve accumulated things in the time since I moved out of my parent’s house.

That it will take forever to pack my several thousand volume library.

That moving books is brutal.

That I should pare down my library, but know I won’t, because my books are like friends that I re-visit over and over again. They have underlining, and favorite stories, and notes in the margins.

That I need to get back to work now that I’ve emptied my head of some of the over-thinking thoughts.

A Quick Tour

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking, "A tour of what?"

Well, let me tell you. I was walking through my house tonight, which most of you have never visited, and was thinking, there are some things I really love about this house that I rent, that I want to share with people, because if you don't have my eyes, you might miss the things that make our house special.

So, I'm still learning the ins and outs of my new camera, but I walked around and took a few pictures of a few of the special things in my house, and now I'm sharing them with you!

This would be me, sporting newly shortened hair, new jeans, and comfy new waffle weave hoody, and smiling for the camera (which is also relatively new). You can see a bookcase behind me. There are four bookcases in my bedroom of varying sizes, and one in my living room. Bookcases are one of my favorite things (especially when they're full to overflowing like mine are!)
This is the chair in which I sit to read and pray. It's my retreat spot, and I generally try to keep it clutter free so that it's always peaceful and ready when I need a moment to rest. It's one of my favorite places in my house, and it's located in a corner of my bedroom. It's also where I usually sit for the marathon phone conversations I have with my friend Shelley. I like a chair I can curl up in. Though I've got to admit, that last night during a phone conversation, I propped my feet up on the bookcase you see on the right of the photo there.

This is the spot I can generally be found when I'm not curled up in the previous chair. I do a lot of my lighting of candles type praying in our living room. You can't tell from the picture, but there are six tea lites burning on my coffee table tonight. You can also see my favorite blanket in which to curl up in on the couch there, my laptop - always an essential, and the couple of books I'm reading currently, topped with a pen, because I find it nearly impossible to read without a pen in hand - I mark almost all non-fiction books that I read - which means I buy rather than borrow most of my non-fiction.
These are the photos of Paris that hang on my living room wall. This is NOT a good picture. And it's too long a story to explain why these are something that speak deeply to me, but they do, and they hang prominently on the main wall of my living room.


And this, this is my kitchen. Here's my favorite feature of my kitchen. There is always a kettle on our stove, ready and waiting to boil water and serve tea. I have a bit of a reputation for serving tea. Last week, when I hosted a Bible study, and was completely confuddled due to dealing with ridiculous customer service issues with Air Canada, and didn't have everything out in time, the kids who came just headed for my kitchen, put water on to boil, and rummaged in the cupboards for tea. I love that I have a kitchen that is always ready for tea. Tea is so important in my life - is that weird? It's a way that I calm myself, and it's a habit, and sometimes, when there just aren't any words, it's a prayer.

Well, those are just a few pictures from my house. A few things I'm thankful for tonight... come visit me sometime, and I'll show you some others.

Later!

I'm laughing now...

I’m laughing now, but I wasn’t last night.

I walked in the door to my house last night after work, and, as I was changing clothes and getting ready to head back out for a coffee date with friends, I wondered why my house didn’t feel very much warmer inside than the nearly freezing outdoors.

I sort of figured it was that my internal body temperature is still off from being ill all week, but decided to check with my roommate anyway. “Is it me, or is it cold in here?”

She told me it was cold in our house.

I said I was going to turn the thermostat up.

She said that she’d actually turned the furnace off a day or two previously.

I almost lost it at that point.

I have to keep reminding myself that she’s never in her lifetime experienced winter. That she is a New Zealander who spent a huge chunk of her life in West Africa. That snow, and months of temperatures below zero are a foreign concept.

She has a need to conserve energy, which is great, except that we are living in a basement suite in Western Canada, not West Africa. Turning the heater off as winter approaches is not a good method of energy conservation in our living situation.

I told her she can’t turn the furnace off anymore. Things will freeze that shouldn’t – things like water pipes, and, well, me!

It took my brother to make me laugh at this one. He picked me up for the coffee with friends, and I was telling him that J. had turned off our heat. He wanted to know why – I told him it was because she wanted to conserve energy and save money. He cracked up when I commented that we don’t even pay for our heat separately – it’s included in our monthly rent! I started seeing the lighter side of it at that moment. She was curled up on our couch under a blanket when I left, wearing a polar fleece sweater and a scarf, and thought that it was normal!

I’m wondering, now if I was ever fighting with a faulty body thermostat this week, for the three days I’ve spent battling chills, or if it was just simply that my thrifty roommate was saving money on something that costs us nothing!

A Grown-up sort of day...

This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.

One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.

There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!

There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.

A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.

And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.

It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.

Enjoying an Evening Alone

My roommate is working the evening shift tonight, and I am quite thoroughly enjoying an empty house for the evening.

I do love the peacefulness of an empty house.

I love the freedom to do whatever I feel like doing, without worrying that it will bother someone else.

I'm enjoying the ability to sit on my couch, watch West Wing on my laptop, do a little bit of work, and a little bit of fun stuff.

I'm going to do some reading, do some things that still need to be done in my bedroom... basically, chill out.

I'll probably wash the dishes that are sitting in my sink.

I might take a shower later and braid my hair before bed.

Homeless

I'm feeling a little adrift lately - it hit me this morning part of the reason. I'm feeling somewhat homeless - in limbo. Mom and Dad's house is not my home anymore, but my new place does not yet feel like home either.

I'm not loving this state at the moment.

I'm searching for genuine companionship at deep levels. I took a chance and shared some of my recent feelings, struggles, and frustrations with a small group of people last night. Turns out it was the old story. I spoke, and what came from within me was not what was heard by those around me. I came away feeling a bit judged, belittled, shamed. There are moments when I wonder if the kind of people I'm searching for exist, and then I'm reminded that though they don't live in Calgary, I know many believers of this sort, and am privileged to call them friends.

But still, at this moment I feel homeless, somewhat aimless, lonely. Overly emotional and hormonal, to be sure, but wondering if life will settle out any time soon.

Smiling

I woke up with a smile this morning.

It sort of shocks me how much better I'm doing these last couple of days. The fact that I've almost slept through the night two nights in a row is probably helping. Spent my first whole evening in my new place last night (the previous days I'd gone other places after work - errands or out with family/friends) and actually enjoyed it. I ended up stretching out on the couch with my laptop, and watching some old episodes of Gray's Anatomy on DVD (I'm working my way through season 2 again).

I'm really hoping my family members come through and pool their resources towards the purchase of a television for my birthday at the beginning of next month. It will be nice to be able to turn it on and do something mindless in the evenings. Even if we don't get cable, we can always hook my laptop up to it and watch movies/tv on dvd on the bigger screen.

Work remains somewhat slow, which is why I'm sitting at my desk writing a blog post rather than doing actual work. There are actually several things on my list to be accomplished today, but most of them will take more than 5 minutes each, which leaves a lot of time left in the day.

I think I only have about 5 more boxes of stuff to unpack, and a closet to organize. Then I can hang the rest of my art, and settle properly into my bedroom. I'm liking the way it's turning out so far, and am looking forward to the finished result. I could actually live with the mess for quite a while. I have no trouble living out of suitcases or boxes. In fact, when I travel, I never unpack immediately upon my return home. It's not uncommon for my stuff to be in a suitcase on the floor for up to a couple weeks after my return. However, my new roommate (as in many other things) is exactly the opposite of me in this matter. She unpacks immediately. So, my remaining boxes are now all in my bedroom, instead of our living room, which should help her state of mind, and will probably motivate me to finish settling in, if only to avoid tripping over boxes every morning!

I'm hoping the modem that will allow us an internet connection will arrive in the mail in the next day or so. It'd be nice to be able to surf the web at home again. I've found an open wireless network with just enough signal that I can SLOWLY download my emails most days, but can't seem to send outgoing mail. It will be nice once I'm all reconnected!

In the meantime, it's sunny outside, I'm hanging out with one of my favorite people tonight, I'm munching on carrots for a mid-morning snack, I'm wearing jeans at work (the only good thing about stampede other than mini-donuts!), and the office is quiet (allowing me the freedom to sit here writing a blog post!). These are all things that are adding to my smile.

Hiding

I've been trying for days to come up with words for what I've been thinking and feeling lately. I can't yet. I'm completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Most of the time I feel like I'm just barely clinging to my sanity. Just talking about some of the stuff going on in my life in casual conversation is enough to bring me to tears. My whole body is tense and achy, and I'm wondering about the merits of many, many decisions I've made in recent moments. My stomach has rebelled, and I'm eating in tiny amounts, maybe once or twice a day (with some snacks thrown in to keep my blood sugar up.) The last two times I've spoken with my mom, (once on the phone, once in person) I've burst out sobbing and taken several minutes to stop. Fear is running rampant, and I'm not even sure how to fight it anymore.

I should probably take an evening off, but I may have to go somewhere to do that in a relaxing fashion, as sitting in my new house just makes me look at all the boxes that still need to be unpacked, the organizing that still needs to be done, and I can't sit with it all staring me in the face.

I'm clinging desperately to Jesus. He feels distant, and my peace seems long gone.

I'm working to find the positive and beautiful things in this, but right now I'm having a hard time seeing them.

At least I've talked to a couple people in the last few days who experienced similar things the first time they were out on their own. One friend admitted to me that she rang up a $100 plus dollar long distance bill the first week after she moved away to university.

So, eventually, I'll write everything down, it'll be cathartic, and I'll be free. For the moment, I'm hiding a little bit, even from myself.