Keep Breathing...

The song is "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.

And tonight the words fit...

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing... now...

Reminding myself to breathe

I'm very tired this morning, and very close to tears again.

Any of you who've read my blog for long will know that I struggle with fear. The fears (mostly irrational) are strong this morning, and I am pushing panic back as much as I can.

I didn't sleep well last night. Not unusual really, just odd. A conglomeration of dreams, and over-processing conversations, and my pre-exisiting general inability to sleep well.

I'm nervous about a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I actually don't mind going to the doctor as a general rule, when it's just getting poked and prodded and declared healthy for one more year. But seeing my doctor (basically a stranger) to discuss a number of very challenging physical and emotional issues that feel immensely personal in nature is not something I'm looking forward to. (Though I am hoping that we can come up with a plan for me to be well again.) It's not helping my panic levels at the moment that my doctor's practice is actually composed of four doctors who share the practice, and I have no idea who I'm going to see this afternoon.

And, I'm feeling pretty exposed. I shared some the post I wrote last night about being judgmental in a larger, more public forum as well, and I don't like the feeling that comes with having my heart and thoughts on display where certain people can read them.

So, I'm going to get through this morning. And then I'll deal with the doctors appointment.

And I'm going to be grateful that tonight is a night just for me. That my roommate is out. That I can have the house to myself for a while. I'll light candles, and paint my nails. I'm going to treat myself to some sort of take out or nicely home cooked meal (can't figure out yet what I want to eat). And then I'm going to rest. Or at least that's the plan.

I'm not going to think about tomorrow being halloween, and how all of the places I'd normally go to rest and recharge on the weekend will be filled with people "celebrating". I'm not going to think about any of those things. I'm going to get through the morning at work, and then the doctor, and then I'm going to rest.

I'm reminding myself to breathe this morning. And praying it helps.

Stop and Breathe

Today, like every other day in the office this week, has been packed full.

Between working on a major project that the goal is to have out the door by tomorrow afternoon, and training our new receptionist, as well as handling the various other responsibilities that come with my job, I get to the end of the receptionist's work day (she is working shorter days, not quite full-time), and realize that I've hardly stopped to catch my breath since I arrived at the office hours and hours before.

So, I'm taking just a moment to stop and breathe, to promise that the blog will eventually get back to having more than these "I'm insanely busy" style posts. Maybe on the weekend. Or next week. If life slows down. Which it definitely should quite soon now. Until then, I'll just keep taking moments to stop and breathe, and promise that I am still reading the various blogs I follow, whether or not I'm commenting. And many of you are saying great stuff, or funny stuff, or just stuff that I've enjoyed, so keep writing!

And I'll be back to writing properly soon too. I hope.

Hijacked by a guy named Stan

So, it seems that God had a bit of an object lesson in mind for me today.

As I drove out to the lake I was listening to a sermon preached by a guy named Graham Cooke on "Overcoming Negativity". One of the things I noticed in passing was a point he made about losing joy because we are putting it off. A mindset that says, "I'll be glad when such and such ends, or when so and so leaves."

Within minutes of settling myself on a blanket to write (I'd written less than two paragraphs!), a canoe quite literally beached itself in front of me. A canoe manned by a guy named Stan. The winds were too strong for him to make his way back to the spot on the other end of the lake where he was camped, and they forced him ashore.

Stan was a chatty individual, and, though I'd made it clear in the first five minutes of our conversation that I came out to spots like the one I'd made for myself this morning to get away from the city and people and just have some quiet, breathing space, he settled in to talk. Standing, sitting, squatting, kneeling - he chatted with me for a good 45 minutes.

I have been raised to be polite, so I very nicely answered all of his questions and even asked a few in return, but internally I was having a conniption fit. I knew what he could not - that I had planned a limited amount of time in my day for this quiet time of reading and writing before I needed to climb back into George and return to the city. I began to wonder when he'd leave, and God very promptly reminded me of the sermon I'd only just finished listening to, and of my ongoing goal to choose life and joy.

Let me tell you, it wasn't an easy thing. I'd really wanted that time alone, and I've never liked chatting with complete strangers in the first place.

Over and over again I forced myself to focus on Stan, and the conversation we were having, and not to think about the time I'd so desired that was being lost to me. It sort of worked. It certainly got my attention and brought focus to a lesson.

How often do I do that? Cheat myself out of joys in the moment because I'd rather be someplace else or with someone else? I think the answer is disturbingly often.

In any case, when Stan finally left I only had a little bit of time left to sit by the lake. I spent it finishing a few thoughts in my journal, eating the lunch I'd brought, reading a few pages in the book I'm currently working my way through, and taking photos. Because it would seem that Stan's canoe looked quite stunning against the grass and water and mountains and sky.

Holy Cannoli (Redux)

This has been an absolutely nutty day.

An all over the place roller-coaster, and there's still two and a half hours of work left, followed by an evening with a friend.

My g-chat status right now reads, "Breathe. Exclaim "Holy Cannoli!" Laugh at the ridiculous exclamation. Breathe again, and get back at it with a smile."

I think I need to add, "eat chocolate" before the bit about breathing again - it'll help with the smile.

And with that, I'm off to follow my own advice - find some chocolate, take another deep breath, and dive back in.

Random Thoughts

I can't handle writing an acutal post this morning. My thoughts are all over the place and most of them aren't that pretty. There is a temporary truce or lull in the ongoing conversation with God this week, while I sort some things out, and the temptation to simply go silent for a while is strong. But, I know it is rarely a helpful thing for me to store everything inside of me, so I'm here this morning, to loose at least some of the things that are on my mind.

Yesterday, in itself was a hard day. Part of a string of two or three weeks now that have been full of processing and struggle. I had plans last night to see my brother and his girlfriend. T had invited me to join them for dinner and then hang out for the evening.

It was just the sort of evening that was rather badly needed. Some of the things that have been going on in my life have a tendency to become all-consuming, and they've also been things I've been able to discuss with only a limited number of people. T and L (his girlfriend) have been two of those people. But last night, last night I made a deliberate choice and effort not to bring them up. I didn't want to go there. I wanted a night off. So we talked a bit about work (T is working at three different and very varied part time jobs just presently) and T harrassed me about how "professional" my newly arrived business cards make me sound. I let them feed me dinner. I let T plan the evening. All I had to do was take the money he handed me and make a quick trip to the video rental place to pick up the movie he'd suggested for the evening. He offered to make L and I ice cream cones, and we accepted. We watched a kids movie ("Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler) and laughed the whole way through. (I think we'd all recommend this one.) We talked a bit about some funny books I've been reading lately too. I needed a night off.

I came home and went nearly straight to bed.

This morning I find myself wishing for more moments like those, and less of the whole "dealing with reality" thing.

I'm thinking about a variety of other things too.

Like the fact that my navel piercing is itchy today. Which I know is a good sign. It means that healing is definitely in process now. But it's itchy, and it also means I'll have to work harder to not disturb it.

And the fact that I'm having trouble breathing. I discovered the reason for this when I got into my car this morning and noticed the thick dusting of yellow pollen covering George. Right. Spring allergies.

These two items mean there is a trip to the drugstore in my future. I need epsom salts for bathing my belly button (apparently taking 5-10 minute baths in well salted water aids the healing process) and I'm going to require allergy drugs to allow for better breathing and better sleeping.

And with that, I'm headed into the day. I'm thankful it's Friday. I'm thankful I'm wearing jeans. I'm hopeful that we'll get rain, and possibly even a thunderstorm later today.

More from Henri

a few more challenging thoughts from Henri Nouwen...

Being Clothed in Christ

Being a believer means being clothed in Christ. Paul says: "Every one of you that has been baptised has been clothed in Christ" (Galatians 3:26) and "Let your armour be the Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14). This being "clothed in Christ" is much more than wearing a cloak that covers our misery. It refers to a total transformation that allows us to say with Paul: "I have been crucified with Christ and yet I am alive; yet it is no longer I, but Christ living in me" (Galatians 2:20).

Thus, we are the living Christ in the world. Jesus, who is God-made-flesh, continues to reveal himself in our own flesh. Indeed, true salvation is becoming Christ.

God's Breath Given to Us

Being the living Christ today means being filled with the same Spirit that filled Jesus. Jesus and his Father are breathing the same breath, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the intimate communion that makes Jesus and his Father one. Jesus says: "I am in the Father and the Father is in me" (John 14:10) and "The Father and I are one" (John 10:30). It is this unity that Jesus wants to give us. That is the gift of his Holy Spirit.

Living a spiritual life, therefore, means living in the same communion with the Father as Jesus did, and thus making God present in the world.

Henri on breath

another thought from Henri Nouwen...

The Breath of God Within Us

When we speak about the Holy Spirit, we speak about the breath of God, breathing in us. The Greek word for "spirit" is pneuma, which means "breath." We are seldom aware of our breathing. It is so essential for life that we only think about it when something is wrong with it.

The Spirit of God is like our breath. God's spirit is more intimate to us than we are to ourselves. We might not often be aware of it, but without it we cannot live a "spiritual life." It is the Holy Spirit of God who prays in us, who offers us the gifts of love, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, gentleness, peace, and joy. It is the Holy Spirit who offers us the life that death cannot destroy. Let us always pray: "Come, Holy Spirit, come."

Evening

At the setting of the sun,
to you, unfailing Light, I turn.
I thank you for the day now fading,
and pray you give
an evening of quiet to my spirit.
Let me rest in you that I may know
refreshment of soul, and peace of heart.
Silent and still, attentive to you alone,
let my soul breathe
no other breath than you, O Holy Spirit.

(Sanctifying the Day: Evening, from "Devotions to the Holy Spirit" by Brian Moore, SJ)

Need to Breathe

Years ago my family babysat a little boy, who, no matter what season of the year, would sit himself down the second he came into our house, and peel off both his shoes and his socks. He was maybe three years old at the time.

When you asked him why he was taking his socks off, and not just his shoes, he'd answer matter-of-factly, "My feet need to breathe."

I think of him every summer, when flip-flop or barefoot weather finally arrives. I live without socks and shoes for as much of every summer as possible. (My feet need to breathe.)

These are my feet "breathing" after dancing barefoot in a clearing in the mountains yesterday.

Don't Change the Book - Prince Caspian

I saw the new "Chronicles of Narnia" movie "Prince Caspian" last night with my brother and a bunch of his friends. I thought it would be the highlight of our evening. Instead, the highlight was sitting in a car, in front of my parent's house, beginning to catch up with each other since he'd been away for two and a half weeks, sharing hearts.

Neither of us liked the movie. In fact, we liked it so little that we're not sure we'd go see another new Narnia movie.

Why do movie creators feel a need to change the perfectly good stories in a book? The magic was gone. None of the playfulness, the nods to mythology with Bacchus and waking the trees. By our estimation, about 2/3 of the movie was not from the book. Much was added, and it did little for me in terms of enjoying the story. It didn't pull me in. It was essentially, as my brother put it, "like any other Hollywood action movie". Epic battle scenes. The triumph of good. Blah. Blah. Blah. No magic.

My favorite scene (admittedly a minor one in the book) was also missing.

There is a scene in the book that has spoken deeply to my heart this last year, where Susan (the oldest girl) re-encounters Aslan after avoiding and denying him...

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. "You have listened to fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

"A little, Aslan," said Susan.

(Prince Caspian, pg. 386)

To be blessed...

I know, I know, after a month of hardly writing, I've put lots of little things up today. But I've been catching up, and some of the things I've come across have just been too beautiful not to share.

My friend Faye, of the ever challengingly honest posts wrote a post in poem form recently - a meditation of sorts on candles and life. I love the way Faye thinks and writes. So deep and personal, and yet integrating her coursework, the things she happens to be reading and listening to, whatever's been going on in her world. She used colors in this one the way she always does, and they add something to her posts. They work for her in ways they'd never work for me were I to attempt such a thing. You can find the whole post here, but, I'm going to steal just a few lines from it, and put them on my own blog - giving her credit of course - because they caught me where I'm at today, as I work to process the impact of five weeks away from home, in the midst of intense situations.

John says:
"Jesus breathed on his disciples"
before his ascent-
"a blessing".
We generally avoid being breathed on.
Breath is stinky,
wet,
contagious,
a violation of our personal space.
Maybe we need to be violated
to be blessed.

Stealing rest

I am struggling with scheduling issues at the moment... with figuring out which things can stay, and which might need to go, to make space for the time I'm increasingly feeling is necessary to spend with Jesus in this season.

This week in particular is extraordinarily busy - something scheduled after work every night. All lovely and wonderful things, all things I think that God is in, none of them things that can be dropped or postponed.

I told a friend last night that it's becoming clear to me that this week I'm going to have to steal those moments of peace and rest wherever I can find them. Taking the bus for an hour and half home each day, grocery shopping alone, standing in the shower, as I'm studying to prepare for the small group I lead that meets this week, walking to meet various friends for tea and coffee dates, resting in my chair for a few minutes before bed, with candles and incense...

I believe that Jesus is present in the busyness and in the rest, I'm just feeling a need to change the balance of busyness and rest in my life for a season. But for this week, I'm trusting that He'll honor the moments of rest that I'm able to steal, and gift me with His presence in a tangible way.

Subtle Shiver

This song has been playing through my head the last few days... can't quite explain it, the events, but here are some pictures, and the words that underlie them in my head...

Subtle Shiver (by Diana Pops, recorded by Steve and Sarah Bell on "Sons and Daughters")

As I walk through this field in the fall time
Leaves become a red carpet as I pass by
Don’t know why but the world’s in its prime right now

As I walk the prairie skies are vacant
Pick up stones the river hasn’t taken
The firefly that danced with the frost silently dies

I hear traces of old familiar songs
The cold wind blowing helps to rush me along
And here I found You in your glory
On that cold October morning
In this clearing by the river
I felt a subtle shiver
I know You waited for me

Every wave on the water it is dancing
Looks as though summer never happened
The trees o’er my head sway as the sky starts to blaze



I never thought that You’d give me a love song
Never saw it’s been here all along
I close my eyes to cover a tear
That’s made it down my cheek and now I hear
Your voice it speaks so soft and clear…
You’ve seen Me everywhere

A Grown-up sort of day...

This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.

One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.

There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!

There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.

A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.

And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.

It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.

Still working to breathe

It hit me as I was traveling home from work on Friday, how very true in so many ways this week my statements about "remembering to breathe" have been.

There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.

I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.

I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.

Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.

Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.

Remembering to Breathe

My facebook status today reads, "Lisa is remembering to breathe."

That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.

This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:

God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6

I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.

I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.

I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.

It's helping.