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My thoughts are all over the place still.

Fairly late last night I realized that I wasn't having any success slowing my racing mind and spirit, calming them, in the hope that I could sleep. I phoned my mom, and broke down again. I phoned her and asked her to pray for me. I needed to hear someone's voice, talking to Jesus on my behalf. Mom wouldn't always be my first choice for that, but the pickings around me are slim these days, and she is reliable in her willingness to care for me in that way.

It helped a little. For the first four or five hours of the night I mostly slept. The time after that was a bit more challenging. I spent a lot of time tossing and turning, quoting scripture or old hymns as the panic, fear and voices encroached.

The last time I woke, I was choking and dry heaving. Some combination of the encroachment of the fear and the fact that I'm still struggling with this cold and my throat had completely dried out overnight, plus my sinuses had begun to drain. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat leaning against the bathtub, waiting to be able to breathe again, for the moment to pass, before returning to bed to await the beginning of the day.

I suspect that I was thrashing in my sleep again, too. Upon waking I discovered a deep purple bruise, about the size of a nickel, on my left knee. It wasn't there when I went to bed last night. I often wake with bruises that can't be explained, particularly along the left side of my body, but they're usually the shallow, yellowy-green sort that fade after a few days. This new one is quite and purplely-blue, and seems to still be coming to it's full color.

I'm listening to a recording of a long list of classic hymns. I was raised on these, and my affinity for the deep beauty of their lyrics and melodies has never faded. I'm particularly enjoying this particular recording by Jon Buller and friends.

I also watched this again this morning. A dear friend sent it to me the other night, chuckling at the timing given the rather challenging conversation we were having that day. I needed to hear it again this morning, and suspect I'll play it once or twice more before the day is out.

The fluctuations of my body temperature tell me that I'm likely still running a fever. I'm watching my newest piercing closely, as it's showing signs of trying to develop an infection in the midst of this week where my immune system seems to be refusing to function.

And with that, I must re-direct my attention to other matters! Until later...

Random Thoughts

I can't handle writing an acutal post this morning. My thoughts are all over the place and most of them aren't that pretty. There is a temporary truce or lull in the ongoing conversation with God this week, while I sort some things out, and the temptation to simply go silent for a while is strong. But, I know it is rarely a helpful thing for me to store everything inside of me, so I'm here this morning, to loose at least some of the things that are on my mind.

Yesterday, in itself was a hard day. Part of a string of two or three weeks now that have been full of processing and struggle. I had plans last night to see my brother and his girlfriend. T had invited me to join them for dinner and then hang out for the evening.

It was just the sort of evening that was rather badly needed. Some of the things that have been going on in my life have a tendency to become all-consuming, and they've also been things I've been able to discuss with only a limited number of people. T and L (his girlfriend) have been two of those people. But last night, last night I made a deliberate choice and effort not to bring them up. I didn't want to go there. I wanted a night off. So we talked a bit about work (T is working at three different and very varied part time jobs just presently) and T harrassed me about how "professional" my newly arrived business cards make me sound. I let them feed me dinner. I let T plan the evening. All I had to do was take the money he handed me and make a quick trip to the video rental place to pick up the movie he'd suggested for the evening. He offered to make L and I ice cream cones, and we accepted. We watched a kids movie ("Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler) and laughed the whole way through. (I think we'd all recommend this one.) We talked a bit about some funny books I've been reading lately too. I needed a night off.

I came home and went nearly straight to bed.

This morning I find myself wishing for more moments like those, and less of the whole "dealing with reality" thing.

I'm thinking about a variety of other things too.

Like the fact that my navel piercing is itchy today. Which I know is a good sign. It means that healing is definitely in process now. But it's itchy, and it also means I'll have to work harder to not disturb it.

And the fact that I'm having trouble breathing. I discovered the reason for this when I got into my car this morning and noticed the thick dusting of yellow pollen covering George. Right. Spring allergies.

These two items mean there is a trip to the drugstore in my future. I need epsom salts for bathing my belly button (apparently taking 5-10 minute baths in well salted water aids the healing process) and I'm going to require allergy drugs to allow for better breathing and better sleeping.

And with that, I'm headed into the day. I'm thankful it's Friday. I'm thankful I'm wearing jeans. I'm hopeful that we'll get rain, and possibly even a thunderstorm later today.

Is it really only Tuesday?

This is the question I find myself asking nearly constantly, "Is it really only Tuesday?" The last two days in some ways feel like they've encompassed an entire week.

Both yesterday and today at work have been filled with the little snafus that add up to frustration. I have a very long list of things that need to be accomplished, and the vast majority of them are on hold, dependent on responses from other people, or work from other people. I've also run out of things to give to the morning receptionist to occupy her time as well (again, because I'm waiting for some things to come back to me.)

I'm still loving my job, but every so often you have those days that just seem to drag, and seem to be riddled with minor frustrations that add up to major headaches.

I'm looking forward to an evening at home tonight (and planning to enjoy the fact that my roommates, the fiancee who's a constant presence in our house, and the current houseguest will all be out for a while, and I'll get to enjoy the quiet.)

I've had a heat pack on my neck off and on all day, attempting to alleviate the muscle knots that seems to have developed from unwittingly tensing the muscles in my neck and back while I sleep to prevent rolling onto my stomach and causing pain at the site of my new navel piercing. The knots are in a spot that's a continual problem, and I could badly use a massage.

I did however, incite laughter at the office today when I commented that I could use a massage quite badly, but wouldn't be able to lay on my stomach long enough to get one! It would seem that there's not a whole lot of sympathy for my predicament! (Of course, if it was me on the other end, I wouldn't be offering sympathy either, and I'm actually finding the whole situation personally amusing as well!)

In any case, I'm looking forward to spending an evening reading, and maybe doing a bit of cleaning. To catching up on some emails, and hopefully heading for bed nice and early. And to the nice dinner of kabobs, salad, and bread that we've got planned. Light, and so easy to prepare!

(But I'm still wondering, "Is it really only Tuesday?")

In and Out

I spend a lot of time these days (especially on weekends) thinking about the value of Sabbath and rest. My body lets me know these days when it's time to come to a pause, and if I'm wise, I listen to it.

I stayed in bed a bit late this morning, then slowly got myself moving.

I did errands for a while. Mostly picking up some things for the office. And a stop at the natural food market - to buy vitamins again.

Then home, a bit of cleaning, lunch, and my body let me know that we were finished again. A nap was definitely in order.

Lots of time to think. I'm thinking particularly about family today. It's funny, because I don't really think about it when they're here, but with my parents overseas, I've missed them. The few short phone calls a week with mom. The quick stops at their house to pick up the mail or borrow/return this or that. The hugs that come with all those quick stops. Other familial things, holiday related mostly, have come up too, touching raw spots and causing my heart to cry out again for healing.

It's been an in and out sort of day. In and out of bed. In and out of the house. In and out of various moods.

And, I'm learning that a navel piercing is a different sort of animal, healing wise, than a facial piercing. A facial piercing is basically undisturbed. You don't really move your face around, so once you get past the initial stinging of the piercing, you can basically forget it's there as it heals. I'm surprised at how many of the basic movements of life tweak a navel piercing. Bending just so, twisting, getting in and out of the car. Basically if you move, you can feel it just a bit! Which, I suppose, is not such a bad thing if you've gotten a piercing to remind you you're alive...