Angry

I just sent a longtime friend of mine the following email:

So, you remember all of those times you tried to convince me to admit that I was angry at God? I'm there. Now what?

Lisa

The trouble with growing up in a relatively conservative church that doesn't necessarily encourage you to express negative emotions is this: When you have those negative emotions, and finally get around to admitting that you have them, you have no idea what to do with them, but you're fairly certain that you'll get hit by a lightning bolt from heaven if you express them.

This is not easy to figure out.

The Long Way...

I have to be in just the right mood to listen to the Dixie Chicks. I love country music, but I find the attitude of the "chicks" oddly abrasive most of the time. If I am in one of two moods, though, I crave certain songs of theirs.

If I am defiantly joyful about life choices.

If I am feeling oddly insecure and bittersweet about those same choices.

I'm feeling the latter today.

Wondering why my life path looks the way it does just presently. Wishing that "conventional" had been a bit more in the cards, particularly when it comes to my spiritual life.

So today, I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks. "Taking the Long Way Around". I'm particularly caught by the last stanza, the line "it can get pretty lonely when you show yourself". I'm there right now. My life exposed and open in some ways. I have some deeper relationships, with God and dear friends than I've ever had, and I'm lonelier, more exhausted, and angrier than I've ever been at exactly the same time. The only one I've ever been good at following is Jesus (and I'm not even that good at that) and following Him has been anything but conventional... leading of course to the odd hodge-podge of emotions I'm experiencing these days.

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

Quoting Meredith

I've been "in love" with Grey's Anatomy since the first season it came on television.

Certain phrases, particularly those spoken by Meredith, have been rather defining of various life moments these last few years.

Phrases like "I'm an adult. When did that happen, and how do I make it stop?"

Lately I've been using her phrase, "Seriously?!?!" quite a lot. It's been applicable to so many things in my life. I've directed it at myself, at friends, and at God.

There was a great line, at the end of last night's episode, where Meredith is finally realizing she needs help, and beginning to let the psychiatrist she's been seeing help her. This particular line describes how I'm feeling about life today.

"...I'm broken. Fix me...."

Could somebody please fix me?

A Few Links

I liked this cartoon at "The Naked Pastor" this week. I've asked that question (though I know it's not the best one) a lot lately.

And, I liked this "sidewalk psychiatry" that someone did. (ht to ysmarko)