Daily 5 - Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. 170 days of showing up here to write daily 5 lists!
2. Swimming today - I don't know how well known a fact it is, but I was a synchronized swimmer for twelve years (and the last 5 of those years I also coached).  I quit formally involvement with swimming in any form at the end of high school, and in many ways have felt like that love of being in the water was something that was lost or stolen as I became buried in depression.  A few years ago as I was sitting near the Mediterranean Sea, I felt like God was telling me that He was restoring to me that love of being in/near water.  I still don't swim very regularly, and today, to be honest, was painful (I was after all, there for therapeutic reasons, post accident), but even as I swam for the twenty minutes or so that I could manage, I felt hope, and that love and comfort that comes from being held in the water stirring in me again.
3. Family - today I'm very thankful for my family.  I wrote this morning's first post mid-meltdown, and by about an hour later, I was feeling a little better.  My dad had called me, we'd talked logically through some of the challenges presented by my forthcoming move and lack of a vehicle, and my financial situation, and we'd decided that I need to buy a car.  That living with my grandma still makes all of the financial sense it did before the accident, but that because of the way our city is laid out, and the location where I'll be living, a car is pretty much a necessity.  My parents have also offered to loan me the money necessary to get a vehicle, thus helping me avoid further interest charges and debt.   
4. My mom also helped me out today.  She picked me up from the swimming pool (I'd taken the bus from my apartment to get there) and took me to do some errands, including a stop at the bank, for groceries, and at the library to pick up some books I'd requested before my car's life was tragically ended.  It was so great to do each of those things, since all of them are in locations that are quite difficult to access by transit.
5. New audio book from the library, since I'm apparently going to be spending time on transit for a bit until I can find a car to buy
6. I'm choosing to be thankful that I do have a place to move to, that will help me financially, even if it isn't my ideal situation.
7. A long online conversation with a dear friend.
8. A few friends who checked in on me in various ways after discovering I was feeling quite discouraged today.
9. Knowing that I am being held in the prayers of many this week - can't quite explain how much I appreciate that.
10. A new friend leaving me a note this morning to simply say that I'd been missed at the house church gathering I was unable to attend last night.

Everyone Out

They're used helicopters to airlift the last of the tourists stranded at Machu Picchu by mudslides earlier this week to safety.

Overwhelmed and Discouraged

Okay, so, here's the scoop.

I got the final confirmation this morning that I will definitely be moving at the end of February (barring the miracle provision of a roommate in the next two days).  Even though I knew that that news was likely coming, it was sort of the final straw, and I've been bawling off and on ever since.

I seem to have lost the ability I've relied on for the last couple of days to hold it together.

I've known I was likely moving for quite some time, and I'd made my peace with it.

What I hadn't expected was to have to move into a new location without the freedom that having a car provides.

I hadn't talked about it here yet, because it was never my ideal situation, but I was/am looking at moving into my Grandma's basement for a while.  It wasn't the ideal situation because my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible, and I was pretty concerned about having privacy and freedom in that situation.  A car made it a doable thing, not only in terms of freedom, but in terms of the ability to get to and from work conveniently.  Grandma's house is convenient to where I work if I'm driving.

And then Tuesday happened.  And I suddenly don't have a car, or really any prospect of purchasing one in the next couple of months based on my finances.

And so I find myself staring at the reality that the only living situation I can really afford on my own right now is to live at Grandma's.  But that I've lost the vehicle that made living there a seemingly doable prospect.  Living there now, without a vehicle, will mean about three hours a day on city transit.  It will mean that to get anywhere I need to go, I can plan on it taking at least an hour by transit.  To get to my parent's home - a five minute drive - would likely take close to an hour by transit because of the way the connections work.

I don't really know what to do, and I'm feeling like there really aren't a lot of options.  And that all hit home this morning, so I've been busy bawling.

I'm overwhelmed and discouraged, and a bit lonely as well.

(oh and did I mention that even though my parents have been generous in offering to let me borrow a car for short periods of time, right now the idea of getting back behind the wheel is enough to spark panic attacks and a fresh round of tears?)

I'll snap out of it eventually.  I always do.  But, in the moment, I can't stop crying.  (maybe that's okay...)