I haven't been very tolerant of music lately. So much of the stuff I normally listen to has been grating on my nerves, adding edgyness and discomfort to the rest of the upheaval in my life just presently.
There are, however, two albums that I've been listening to over and over.
The first is a new release from Jason Upton titled “Beautiful People”. I love Jason’s heart for God, and I love the theme of this album. Some of it is stuff that I’ve felt God speaking to me over the last year, and I’m delighted to find someone else expressing the theme of finding Jesus in the broken, in the ashes. One line that sticks out to me from the album (which is at home, while I’m writing this at work, or I’d tell you what song it was from…) goes “You live in the tension, you live in the tension, you live in the tension of creation.” I love that. I’m experiencing on a number of levels again lately what it means to live in tension.
The second album is “The Cathedral” by Jacob and Lily. I think I could listen to Karla and Caleb sing and play pretty much all day. In fact, I know I could, because, on one particularly bleak day earlier this week, where the clouds of mental confusion had closed in and were threatening to overwhelm, I simply played their album over and over on my ipod, through the whole workday. And my soul felt soothed. I don’t know if I can even pick a favorite song off this album. I just know that Karla’s lyrics, and the music that brings them to life have been speaking to the deep parts of my soul lately, and that has been such a surprising, beautiful and calming thing in this space on my journey.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Where I'm At
Okay, so here’s where I’m at. I’m sunburnt – all across my upper chest and arms. My face less so, but also burnt. I’m going to have to go to the drugstore on my lunch break and pick up some aloe vera gel to sooth my aching skin.
I’m going to the stampede tonight to see Jann Arden play - $3 gate admission with the proceeds going to breast cancer, and then the concert is free. Marginal additional cost for the famous mini-donuts which will make the evening perfect. I’m still working to figure out what I can wear that will cover my very sensitive sunburnt skin appropriately to protect it from further damage, and won’t leave me roasting to death due to the heat wave we’re currently experiencing.
Hopefully by the weekend I will be fully living in my new house. At the moment we’re waiting to move my bed and mattress to the new house before I can sleep there. I remain of completely mixed feelings about this. I am completely terrified in that “Oh crap I’m an adult” sort of way, with deeper fear issues thrown in just for fun. At the same time I am totally excited to establish my own place, and live independently – which, by the way is expensive.
I’m having money issues. There is almost nothing on the planet that can stress me out the way that money does. I absolutely hate having to think about money, wondering if I have enough money from paycheck to paycheck, thinking about a budget, anything with numbers and dollar signs involved, really. My ideal job would be one where I made enough money to simply be able to purchase something I wanted, without weighing pros and cons of spending that amount ad infinitum. I would also be able to give a lot more generously to things and people whose ministries I would like to be able to support. I hate that right now when I become aware of a need, I have to think about whether or not I will be able to live for the upcoming week or month without whatever the amount is that I would like to give.
On Saturday, my mom, my new roommate and I are going to the Rodeo at the Stampede Grounds. I haven’t been to the rodeo for several years now, and I’m looking forward to taking it in. We’re also going to a stampede barbeque hosted by the church I’ve been a part of the last year that evening. Should be a busy weekend, but fun.
All of these things I’ve mentioned seem so surface level and boring as I look back over them. The trouble is that I’m having a great deal of trouble putting words around the things I’m feeling and wading through these days. I feel like so many things are shifting around me, and I’m struggling to keep my footing. There has been a definite onslaught of spiritual attack, and a corresponding drop in my emotional, mental and spiritual energy levels as I weather and fight the attack.
I’m reading through the Psalms again lately, identifying with so many of the emotions found there, and clinging to the promises. I read God’s covenant with Abram – a word that some friends spoke over me, and I have seen borne out in my life the last several months – on a nearly daily basis these days, to remind myself where my protection and worth lay.
“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” (Gen. 15:1)
I’m going to the stampede tonight to see Jann Arden play - $3 gate admission with the proceeds going to breast cancer, and then the concert is free. Marginal additional cost for the famous mini-donuts which will make the evening perfect. I’m still working to figure out what I can wear that will cover my very sensitive sunburnt skin appropriately to protect it from further damage, and won’t leave me roasting to death due to the heat wave we’re currently experiencing.
Hopefully by the weekend I will be fully living in my new house. At the moment we’re waiting to move my bed and mattress to the new house before I can sleep there. I remain of completely mixed feelings about this. I am completely terrified in that “Oh crap I’m an adult” sort of way, with deeper fear issues thrown in just for fun. At the same time I am totally excited to establish my own place, and live independently – which, by the way is expensive.
I’m having money issues. There is almost nothing on the planet that can stress me out the way that money does. I absolutely hate having to think about money, wondering if I have enough money from paycheck to paycheck, thinking about a budget, anything with numbers and dollar signs involved, really. My ideal job would be one where I made enough money to simply be able to purchase something I wanted, without weighing pros and cons of spending that amount ad infinitum. I would also be able to give a lot more generously to things and people whose ministries I would like to be able to support. I hate that right now when I become aware of a need, I have to think about whether or not I will be able to live for the upcoming week or month without whatever the amount is that I would like to give.
On Saturday, my mom, my new roommate and I are going to the Rodeo at the Stampede Grounds. I haven’t been to the rodeo for several years now, and I’m looking forward to taking it in. We’re also going to a stampede barbeque hosted by the church I’ve been a part of the last year that evening. Should be a busy weekend, but fun.
All of these things I’ve mentioned seem so surface level and boring as I look back over them. The trouble is that I’m having a great deal of trouble putting words around the things I’m feeling and wading through these days. I feel like so many things are shifting around me, and I’m struggling to keep my footing. There has been a definite onslaught of spiritual attack, and a corresponding drop in my emotional, mental and spiritual energy levels as I weather and fight the attack.
I’m reading through the Psalms again lately, identifying with so many of the emotions found there, and clinging to the promises. I read God’s covenant with Abram – a word that some friends spoke over me, and I have seen borne out in my life the last several months – on a nearly daily basis these days, to remind myself where my protection and worth lay.
“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” (Gen. 15:1)
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