Sigh

The day is over.

Grey's Anatomy is on.

I'm wearing pjs and curled up on the couch.

Grey's Anatomy, and then bed. Maybe paint my fingernails somewhere in there.

I have a dear friend who regularly reminds me that I am loved, and that, with her at least, I fit. Funny how that helps, even on the days when it can't quite penetrate fully.

One more day of work.

And then some little things that are helping me believe tonight that I'm going to make it.

Words of hope spoken at an event I attended.

A new book, purchased at the event I attended, that I'm looking forward to curling up with. "Bent Hope" it's called.

The promise of a hug tomorrow night from the friend who reminds me so regularly that I am loved.

A plan to spend some time with some kids I love this weekend. I'm still amazed by just how calming and healing the hugs and laughter of children can be.

Time spent with my "baby" brother tonight - the one member of my immediate family with whom I feel totally safe being myself. (And one who has learned much wisdom in suffering. He made a point tonight that will stick with me as I step into this weekend and these next weeks.)

Lunch plans at work with a friend and coworker tomorrow.

Casual Friday - jeans to work.

Re-Create

I didn't sleep much again last night.

I stayed home this morning. I'll go in to the office for the afternoon, but I couldn't make it out of bed this morning. I was ill, and exhausted.

I'm still exhausted. I'm beginning to think that it's a state that is never going to go away.

And I'm still only seconds from tears. There's a journaling excercise I'm going to try in a few minutes to alleviate some of that, but who knows...

And worse yet, my house, this morning, with both of roommates off at their jobs, is the best it's been in weeks.

No living with a pair of best friends when yours is distant.

No wedding discussions.

Nothing to underscore how lonely I've felt.

No need to put up a facade of practicality and happiness.

No need to resent them for being so consumed with weddings and ignoring the dozens of little things around the house that need to be done.

Just quiet.

But I'm avoiding the quiet too. Because quiet and stillness is an invitation for Jesus to show up and start talking, and then the surreal nature of life lately tends to intensify.

So I'm going to self-help.

I'm going to write my way through a journalling exercise that has always tended to expose the pains of my heart. And then I'm going to pray.

And then I'm going to shower. In my newly unclogged bathtub (which no one thanked me for fixing by the way.) With mango body scrub from the body shop. And shave my legs, and generally just relax for a little while until I have to leave for work. I'm going to put on clothes that make me feel pretty, and style my hair (since I'm going out to a special event after work with my brother anyhow) and put on makeup.

For the afternoon, I'm going to re-create myself. Just for a little while. And if it works, then I'll do it again and again until I start believing again that I really am someone who fits, who has a home, who is strong, who was created in the image of God, who can be beautiful, and who is loved.