I've been re-realizing these last few days, just how skilled at avoidance I really am.
Thankfully, in the midst of some of the worst avoidance I've entertained in a long while, a dear friend was with me, and pushing gently, and sometimes a bit less so for me to begin to face and deal with some stuff, and begin to heal again. I'm incredibly thankful for the several late nights she spent talking with me, in the midst of a weekend that I know wasn't easy for her either.
The truth is, I made a series of less than healthy decisions, and, over the weekend, hit a low point that was quite stunning. I haven't been that close to walking away from God, life and relationships since the last few months before my depression was healed, nearly 3 years ago now. And because of the bad choices, I began again to entertain lies in my life, and they grew until they overwhelmed and became my "truth".
It's likely going to take a while to pull out of that and be healthy again.
I've committed to non-avoidance, and am taking a number of steps to ensure that my usual avoidance techniques are not options.
And yet, I realized again tonight, while grocery shopping with my roommates, how easy it is to attempt to satisfy the hungry and aching places in my soul. Things that I would never normally buy - candy, comfort foods and so forth - were stunningly appealing, and I had to conciously remind myself of some of the decisions I've made and guidelines I've put in place for this next while.
I'm good at avoiding, but I'm hoping for better things. I'm longing for healing. Even though I know it means non-avoidance, and even though I know that for a while at least, non-avoidance is likely to be messy, hurtful, and somewhat miserable.
Two phrases stand out from the weekend. One a question posed by Jesus, another a reminder from a scripture my friend sent me. The first "Do you want to be well?" and the second "Today I have given you the choice between life and death..."
I want to be well.
I choose life.
(I think I'm going to have to repeat those things ad infinitum in a quest to begin to live them, but oh, does my heart long for them to be realized within me.)
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Choosing Life (thoughts from Henri Nouwen)
If you had any idea what some of the conversations I've been having with friends and with God lately sounded like, you'd know that I when I arrived at work this morning to find these emails from the Henri Nouwen society waiting for me, I simultaneously laughed and cringed. God does indeed, have a sense of humor it would seem...
Choosing Life
God says, "I am offering you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life, then, so that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
"Choose life." That's God's call for us, and there is not a moment in which we do not have to make that choice. Life and death are always before us. In our imaginations, our thoughts, our words, our gestures, our actions ... even in our nonactions. This choice for life starts in a deep interior place. Underneath very life-affirming behaviour I can still harbour death-thoughts and death-feelings. The most important question is not "Do I kill?" but "Do I carry a blessing in my heart or a curse?" The bullet that kills is only the final instrument of the hatred that began being nurtured in the heart long before the gun was picked up.
A Choice Calling for Discipline
When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.
But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life.
Claiming Our God Given Selves
When we have been deeply hurt by another person, it is nearly impossible not to have hostile thoughts, feelings of anger or hatred, and even a desire to take revenge. All of this often happens spontaneously, without much inner control. We simply find ourselves brooding about what we are going to say or do to pay back the person who has hurt us. To choose blessings instead of curses in such a situation asks for an enormous leap of faith. It calls for a willingness to go beyond all our urges to get even and to choose a life-giving response.
Sometimes this seems impossible. Still, whenever we move beyond our wounded selves and claim our God-given selves, we give life not just to ourselves but also to the ones who have offended us.
Mastering Evil with Good
The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: "Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. ... Never pay back evil with evil. ... Never try to get revenge. ... If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. ... Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul's words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.
Choosing Life
God says, "I am offering you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life, then, so that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
"Choose life." That's God's call for us, and there is not a moment in which we do not have to make that choice. Life and death are always before us. In our imaginations, our thoughts, our words, our gestures, our actions ... even in our nonactions. This choice for life starts in a deep interior place. Underneath very life-affirming behaviour I can still harbour death-thoughts and death-feelings. The most important question is not "Do I kill?" but "Do I carry a blessing in my heart or a curse?" The bullet that kills is only the final instrument of the hatred that began being nurtured in the heart long before the gun was picked up.
A Choice Calling for Discipline
When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.
But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life.
Claiming Our God Given Selves
When we have been deeply hurt by another person, it is nearly impossible not to have hostile thoughts, feelings of anger or hatred, and even a desire to take revenge. All of this often happens spontaneously, without much inner control. We simply find ourselves brooding about what we are going to say or do to pay back the person who has hurt us. To choose blessings instead of curses in such a situation asks for an enormous leap of faith. It calls for a willingness to go beyond all our urges to get even and to choose a life-giving response.
Sometimes this seems impossible. Still, whenever we move beyond our wounded selves and claim our God-given selves, we give life not just to ourselves but also to the ones who have offended us.
Mastering Evil with Good
The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: "Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. ... Never pay back evil with evil. ... Never try to get revenge. ... If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. ... Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul's words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.
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