Daily 5 - Day 79

It seems particularly important, tonight, to do the daily 5. The day has definitely been remarkably challenging, and I want to stop and find at least 5 (maybe I'll feel inspired and add a few bonus ones today) things that made me smile, or that I'm really grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for friends who speak truth. Even when the conversations are stilted and it seems I'm not hearing and my heart seems (or is) numb. Your words come out in my daily conversation and in my thoughts and journal in very unexpected ways.
2. I'm grateful for an entirely "random" blog connection that let me hear this song for the first time ever earlier tonight. I can't even begin to describe how it touched my heart, and let me feel that Jesus really does see me, even in the midst of this incredibly painful space. How three different things on a variety of blogs that I either rarely read or had never read before is letting me really believe that Jesus sees me, and knows my heart and needs. And how it brought encouragement in a space where I'd basically lost hope. And I think I'm grateful that Jesus (who I know wants me to find affirmation in him) is also patient and gracious in sending me connections like the ones I experienced tonight as assurances of his love when I feel so humanly alone and scared.
   
3. I'm grateful for my mom, who listened to about two words of my voice on the phone and then told me that she was coming over. I'm grateful for the prayers and ministry I received six months ago or so on the other side of the country for healing in that relationship, and for the tiny, tentative steps of healing and restoration are there. I'm grateful that we were able to have a conversation where (though I had to work hard for it) I didn't walk away feeling judged and like a failure. That I was able to share even some things that are embarrassing and that I knew she wouldn't approve of, and I was still able to walk away feeling loved. And I'm grateful that just a tiny lit bit, I was able to relax and receive a hug from her, instead of feeling tense and awkward.
4. I'm thankful that even though I'm struggling with what my doctor suggested today, and have decided to try one more somewhat more natural health alternative before going the route she recommended, that I live someplace where I can access medical care when I need it. I was remembering tonight the tiny three year old daughter of some family friends, who died of malaria a few years back simply because they weren't able to get her appropriate treatment in time.
5. I'm grateful for the book I'm reading right now, that is challenging me this week to live a better story with my life. Even when right now the decisions that will make for a better story are pretty hard and ugly. And even when right now the way seems painful. I'm grateful for the reminder that the best stories come from the transition from that painful place into new life - into being alive again. (And I'm thankful for the friend who sent me this song today, with the note that she was praying for me to feel "alive again.")
6. I'm thankful for comfort food for dinner. I didn't really have celebratory food like I was planning this morning. I had chicken fingers and french fries. And quite enjoyed them actually.
7. I'm thankful for a budget that seems like it will be workable.
8. I'm thankful to have a few plans for tomorrow that don't involve Halloween, and for the reminder from a couple different sources tonight not to fear the darkness.
9. I'm thankful that even though the doctor's appointment wasn't what I'd hoped or expected, that I was able to push through all the panic and still get myself there. Not so long ago that definitely wouldn't have happened, or I would have made it there and not been honest and discussed what actually needed to be discussed.
10. I'm thankful for the words of a friend the other day some approximation of which are echoing in my head, reminding me that Jesus loves me, that he died for me, and that I can just get over myself and believe that and love me too. That if he loves me, than I'm certainly worthy of love, and I can just get over the lie that says that I'm unworthy of any love, even my own
    

I'm Going to Be Her Again

I've written about twirling before. Here and here.

It holds a certain promise of freedom for me. These days I twirl occasionally... it's actually begun to happen, but it rarely happens unembarrassed and unencumbered, and in any sort of location where it can be witnessed.

The photo above is sort of an exception. In a public park, with two friends watching, I spun, because I was joyful and peaceful and free, and it just bubbled out of me.

A lot has happened in the two weeks or so since that photo was taken. A lot of hard internal stuff, and I've stared at that picture a lot, treasuring the memory, and wishing I was still in that space.

Today didn't go as planned. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about a number of things. I'm disappointed in some ways, and hurting.

But just now I decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to be that girl in the picture again. I'm going to inhabit her skin permanently. I'm going to live unencumbered.

I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be an easy or pleasant process. I'm guessing it's probably going to be pretty ugly and painful and hard. And I'm pretty terrified of that quite frankly.

But I like her. And I don't often say that about anything to do with myself. So I'll do whatever it takes to live in her skin, in MY skin, permanently.

Keep Breathing...

The song is "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.

And tonight the words fit...

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing... now...

Reminding myself to breathe

I'm very tired this morning, and very close to tears again.

Any of you who've read my blog for long will know that I struggle with fear. The fears (mostly irrational) are strong this morning, and I am pushing panic back as much as I can.

I didn't sleep well last night. Not unusual really, just odd. A conglomeration of dreams, and over-processing conversations, and my pre-exisiting general inability to sleep well.

I'm nervous about a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I actually don't mind going to the doctor as a general rule, when it's just getting poked and prodded and declared healthy for one more year. But seeing my doctor (basically a stranger) to discuss a number of very challenging physical and emotional issues that feel immensely personal in nature is not something I'm looking forward to. (Though I am hoping that we can come up with a plan for me to be well again.) It's not helping my panic levels at the moment that my doctor's practice is actually composed of four doctors who share the practice, and I have no idea who I'm going to see this afternoon.

And, I'm feeling pretty exposed. I shared some the post I wrote last night about being judgmental in a larger, more public forum as well, and I don't like the feeling that comes with having my heart and thoughts on display where certain people can read them.

So, I'm going to get through this morning. And then I'll deal with the doctors appointment.

And I'm going to be grateful that tonight is a night just for me. That my roommate is out. That I can have the house to myself for a while. I'll light candles, and paint my nails. I'm going to treat myself to some sort of take out or nicely home cooked meal (can't figure out yet what I want to eat). And then I'm going to rest. Or at least that's the plan.

I'm not going to think about tomorrow being halloween, and how all of the places I'd normally go to rest and recharge on the weekend will be filled with people "celebrating". I'm not going to think about any of those things. I'm going to get through the morning at work, and then the doctor, and then I'm going to rest.

I'm reminding myself to breathe this morning. And praying it helps.