Provision and sleeplessness

I am a pastor's kid. My dad does not pastor a mega-church, and he's not a best-selling author or radio preacher. That means that I grew up in a home where finances were always tight.

But the thing is, I learned early on about Jehovah Jireh - God the provider. My parents were always clear when unexpected money showed up at just the right time, or when an unexpected gift allowed us to do something special that it was God's way of taking care of us, of treating us, of making sure we were provided for.

I have seen it dozens of times, and I always forget it. It didn't even occur to me in all my blustery financial stress last week that God would provide above and beyond my expectations for this trip to Mexico. But He did. First, my glasses were repairable - for only $100. My frame is three years old, but by some miracle they hadn't been discontinued, and I was able to replace only the broken piece.

Then, a variety of people I never expected to offer their financial support gave me money or let me know that they would be giving me money. Some of them were people I hadn't even thought or intended to ask to pray, never mind contribute financially. And God has provided above and beyond what I could have asked or expected. And I was amazed, because I had forgotten yet again that the God I serve, the God who asked me to travel to Mexico, would also provide the means for me to obey.

Which brings me to the sleeplessness. I haven't slept well at all the last couple nights. If you read this blog at all, you know that really isn't that unusual. The thing is, I'm battling anxiety attacks -unexplained fears. That is not normal in my own bed. I had anticipated that this would be a challenge when I travelled - it always is, and I was taking steps to be prepared to ward off the fear while we were travelling. But it has arrived early. Today was very unsettled because of the uncomfortable and undefined fear from which I awoke this morning. Please pray for my sleep over the remaining week until I depart. Pray too for my sleep while we're gone. The thing is, I believe God has called me to this trip, and I'm working to trust him with my whole self - and with my rest. So, I'm asking you to pray for and with me in this.

One week from tonight I will be on a church floor somewhere in Billings, Montana, attempting to sleep. I am excited to make this trip, but very apprehensive as well. Your prayers are coveted.

Looking for wisdom

I’m looking for someone who has walked this way before. Someone with age and the wisdom borne of long years of experience – of trying and failing, of getting back up and trying again.

I’m young and inexperienced. Five months ago some things in my life shifted in a major way, and I’m trying to negotiate this new journey with God. I am desperate to know Him in a deeper way. To learn to recognize His voice and presence. To understand what it means that I’ve encountered the Living Spirit of God and that my life has been totally altered by the encounter.

I am looking to be taught, to be pulled along this journey by someone with experience. And I haven’t found that person. I’m looking for someone radically in love with God. I’m looking for wisdom and encouragement. For someone who will tell me that I haven’t gone crazy.

I want someone to explain this thing to me. To tell me in the moments when I’m completely exhausted from caring so deeply for those God has laid on my heart that I’m not insane for allowing my emotions to become involved.

I’m after someone who can explain spiritual warfare to me. Who can tell me how to recognize attack, and how to fight against it. Who can help me as I wade through the realities of the decidedly evil decisions made by some of those I am caring for. Who can answer questions about nightmares and sleeping difficulties. Who can teach me to combat with God’s help the instinctive fear that seems to control so very much of my life.

I would love for someone to walk through my own wounds with me. To help me identify areas of strength and areas of weakness. To teach me what it means to be emotionally and spiritually healthy.

I am looking for this. And I am afraid of it. I am afraid of my life being exposed. The idea that I am vulnerable to spiritual attack is new, and I struggle with fear already. I am very nearly afraid of beginning to wade into the realities of this new life I find myself living. It terrifies me. It pulls me beyond my much loved comfort zone. But I’m looking for it. Because life the way I used to live – life of hopelessness and depression is no way to live.