Cleaning

I've often said that my bedroom reflects my state of mind. If I'm in a generally good place, the space is clean, and ready for creativity to burst forth. If I'm in a generally clouded and wrestling state of mind, my space tends to reflect that too, particularly my desk.

This has been a long few weeks of an extremely clouded and messy state of mind. I'm tired of it. So I'm going to clean. And then I'm going to finish writing something that I started writing two weeks ago.

And tomorrow, I'm going to set about finding a voice that I lost three years ago. I have never had trouble expressing myself verbally, but these last three years, it's been like I was struck dumb. I couldn't verbally string together a cohesive paragraph in certain situations to save my life. The last year I've gained back a great deal of my written voice, and even some of my oral voice, but tomorrow, I'm going to fight back. I'm going to find a voice. Even if it's small and timid, and colored with tears, I'm going to find it. Even if I have to read aloud something I've written. I'm going to find my voice. I'm going to fight for it, and then I'm planning to say a long-coming and painful goodbye.

Cryptic, yes. I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow or Monday I'll make things clear for you here. If you think of me before then, pray for me. It will be a battle to begin to speak again. And if I don't get here before Tuesday, then you'll have to wait a week or so. I'm leaving for the coast on Wednesday to spend some time with two dear friends, to rest and pray, to grieve the things I'm leaving, and celebrate new things, and refocus for a new season of life.

There's cleaning to be done. I once heard tears described as the way the soul cleans itself. Well, my soul has done a lot of cleaning these last few weeks, and now I'm going to physically clean too.