muddled headspace

It’s not even 10:00 and I’m already on my second cup of tea. If a day requires more than one cup of tea in the morning, it’s generally a day where I’m struggling with life.

I’ve had a headache for two days – low grade, just kind of in the background, but painful. It makes me queasy occasionally. Drugs, water, tea, stretching my neck muscles – none of the usual things seem to be making a difference at the moment.

My mind feels fuzzy and distracted this morning – not really present with my body, in my surroundings. Things niggling at the edges of my consciousness, poking and bothering me with their flitting and coy nature.

I lay flat on my back on my yoga mat on my bedroom floor for a long chunk of time, talking to Jesus about friends, working my way slowly through the list of people and names as they were brought to mind. Friends scattered across the country and around the world at the moment. Was burning candles and incense, creating space for several hours of quiet in my room last night. Asked Jesus to let my words on behalf of these friends rise to His throne on the sweet smelling curls of smoke from the incense.

Told a friend yesterday that I quite often pray with incense burning these days. She responded, “Okay, that’s a little weird and new age, but whatever.” I reminded her of the verse of scripture that talks about our prayers rising as incense, and we moved on. But her comment niggles just a little in that, “I do things that look weird, and people don’t quite understand my ways of praying” kind of way

Thinking about another friend this morning. She’s been alone too long, and I’m afraid, a little of the tiny changes I sense taking place in her life. I sense a growing indifference, a desire to walk away from all those people and things that are familiar.

Spent time with another friend yesterday. It should have been relaxing, but was strangely draining and disturbing under the surface – a big part of the reason that I was shut in my bedroom last night creating quiet space and talking with Jesus.

Thinking I need to find a time this week to go to the park again. Need to be by water, and breathe.

I’ve been ill quite a bit again lately. I’ve noticed a pattern. At the times in my life when it would seem Jesus is working most intensely, calling me deeper, I am quite often found battling with exhaustion and physical illness. I was thinking this morning that the last time I felt this way physically for a lengthy period of time was in the months leading up to and immediately following my healing from depression.

I’ve been trying to take steps lately to take better care of my physical health. Vitamins. Making sure I get to bed a bit earlier. Creating the amount of alone time and space that I’ve needed more frequently. Eating more balanced meals – at least one dark green fruit or vegetable, and one orange fruit or vegetable a day. Making sure I get at least some protein in my diet on a daily basis – not always easy for someone who doesn’t eat a lot of red meat (experimenting with beans, hummus, just eating greater quantities of white meats). Stretching the muscles in my back and neck that get sore and create headaches regularly. Going to get back to doing situps regularly too. Trying to embrace walking to more places, and get a bit of cardio exercise in while I’m doing so.

It feels oddly grown up to be thinking and concerned about these sorts of health things. Friends of mine have thought about them for years, but I’ve always taken physical health and energy for granted. Not so this last month as I’ve fought off stomach bugs and nasty head and sinus colds, and a general lack of energy.

Okay, well, having written for a bit seems to have cleared my head for the moment. I’m going back to the things on my work list for the week… see you later!

Superabundant Grace - Henri Nouwen

Superabundant Grace

Over the centuries the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulation of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.

Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God's healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant grace is superabundant, and that where promises are broken over and again God's promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.