Restless

Restless is the best word I can come up with to describe my life right now. Restless and maybe unfulfilled. I experience life only partially, flitting from one time consuming activity to the next in a desperate attempt to fill my time, and still my mind - to distract myself from the challenges of my life right now. Television, novels, computer games, coffee with friends - all of these are excellent ways to fill time and avoid my own troubles for an extra hour or two.

I'm tired, so tired. All I keep hearing from people is how good God is. Just ask Him and he'll answer. He'll heal, whatever. That is so not my experience of God right now. I cling to Him desperately, because He's all I have, He's stability, but He's not healing, and I can't hear Him speaking. I'm tired of people who've never experienced depression offering useless answers. I'm tired of being tired and depressed. I'm tired of people who don't struggle so heavily with fear telling me that fear is a sin, and that God didn't create a spirit of fear. I'm tired of never being able to overcome fear - of wanting, but not quite finding the strength to battle the fear that stops me from praying, from risking, from engaging with the people around me.