Daily 5 - Day 335

Today was not a banner day.  I was in tears at least 5 separate times.  It was just one of those "life kind of stinks right now as I'm working through some stuff that will ultimately be good but hurts like crap at the moment" kind of days.

But, here are a few things that made me smile, or that I'm thankful for.  Today's Daily 5:

1. 335 days of making these lists
2. a moment tonight at house church where someone made an innocent but unfortunate comment in that it was easily twisted, and about six of us in the room simultaneously heard the twisted version, caught each other's eyes and dissolved into laughter
3. the giggles of a baby (also at house church)
4. hugs from a couple of friends
5. fresh French bread and spinach dip
6. understanding emails and praying friends

Between the Eyes

Clearly, choosing to love (whether I want to or not) is going to be the theme today.

I kind of knew that, based on the dreams I'd had, and the actions that seem likely and necessary stemming from them, before I ever opened my eyes this morning, but, just in case I needed some convincing, there were several things waiting for me in my email inbox.

Things like this quote from a daily email written by Richard Rohr:

"...love is not a feeling, but a decision, yet a decision that increases our inner freedom each time we do it.  You will know this only after you act on love. Jesus didn't say when you get healed, love; when you grow up, love; when you get it together and have dealt with all your wounds, then love. No, the commandment for all of us is quite simply, “Love!” Once we know it is not a feeling, but a grace empowered decision, we can all do it. And each time it is a growth in freedom—and flow."

And this quote from here that my friend Jenny posted on her blog this morning.  The first thing I read, after opening my eyes and noticing the email that she had a new post:

"You climb from winding sheets into the opening day. Gently, Love asks to occupy the throne of your heart—the very seat of motivation. The request is so familiar that you risk contempt, forgetting how your world grows rich when Love reigns supreme. As if on cue, Fear counters the offer. Spilling worry like filth from a foul pail, this usurper exchanges timidity for hope and urgency for peace. These bitter enemies meet daily to see whom you place upon your seat of motivation. For this seat fashions the essence of every thought and every action. You decide between Love and Fear when choosing who will rest upon your seat of motivation. Tomorrow will be decided early—as you climb from winding sheets."

And then I realized that my own words were bound to convict me, too.   I'd forgotten what post I'd scheduled to go live today.  Clearly God has a sense of humor.  I can just see Him giggling, knowing what would come within this week, as I wrote that post on Monday night.

I really do want to be well.  It's a sentence I say with an ever growing conviction.

It's also a sentence I'm saying this morning with the following add on.  I want to be well.  Even when it means loving by choice, when it's hard, when fear must be battled, knowing that it will likely hurt.

The theme is hitting me between the eyes today.

Love is a choice.  One with a cost.  And one so necessary to make today.

Be Well

I read this post that Allie, Dearest wrote the other day.  Her thoughts on being broken struck me, and drew to mind an ongoing conversation I've had the last few years with a dear friend.

We've been talking for a couple of years now about the passage where Jesus heals the lame man lying beside the pool.

Jesus asks a question of this man that is rather confusing and even haunting, "Do you want to be well?"

Seems like a crazy question, doesn't it?  The man has been laying by the pool for decades, never quite able to make it to the waters when they are stirred and miracles are possible.  Clearly he's after healing if he's spent so much time there, isn't he?

I think about that question sometimes when I consider my own life.  I think about how much time I spend hovering around the edges of "being well."  I think about how sometimes, even though it's miserable, broken seems a like better option.  It's familiar. Safe even.  How I can talk about wanting healing, but I'm sure not making any steps towards it.  Even when it's an open door in front of me.

I have a friend who was with me the night I was healed from depression.  He'd been around through some of the worst of it, and was patient.  I'm thankful that he was there that night.  For probably two years I'd been griping about my misery and fear and depression as he drove me home from various church events.  For two years he'd been quietly asking if he could pray for and with me, inviting me to come before God with him.  For two years I let fear rule the day.  "You can pray, but I'm not going to.  You can pray, but I'm going into the house now.  No, we're not praying tonight."  The night I was healed the desperation caught up to me, and even though I was scared of God, I was more afraid of continuing the miserable, hopeless and meaningless existence that I'd been inhabiting.  My friend was with me when I went from saying "I want to be well" to really and truly meaning it deep within me, and God met us in that place and healed my heart in ways that still leave me speechless, nearly five years later.

I've thought of that question of Jesus quite a lot again lately, as the ongoing conversation around that question has continued.  As I have had to be in the place of lifting my aching heart towards Jesus and really considering, "do I want to be well?"  Will I trust Jesus again with the process of healing, however it looks this time, whatever the results?  Do I trust Jesus with all of the others around me who are also broken, who I also want to be well?  Do I trust that he's big enough for all of that?

I've come over and over again to the conclusion that I really do want to be well.  And that I want that - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, for so many others as well.  And that this is a question I will most likely be pondering and finding new depths to for the rest of my life.

"Do you want to be well?"