Resting and Heading Out

I thoroughly enjoyed spending last night in bed, resting.  I caught up on some of my favorite television online, ate pizza and chocolate in bed, took a bubble bath and wrote a few emails.  It was perfect.

I'm doing more of the same today, with some cleaning thrown in, until later this afternoon.

I'm heading out to spend about 24 hours at local Catholic retreat centre, meeting with leaders of the house church community that I'm a part of.  We will spend time enjoying each others company, dreaming, praying and eating together, as we look towards what the coming year will hold.  I'm excited that a few of the people with whom I share leadership of our house church are also attending.

What that means is that this space will be quiet.

I'll be back tomorrow night with the Daily 5 lists for today and tomorrow.

In the meantime, would you pray for our retreat - that it would be a time of refreshing and relationship building as we plan and pray for the year ahead.

A Letter to Women's Ministries Everywhere

Yesterday I read this beautiful post at Emerging Mummy.

You MUST go read it, and then come tell me what you think.

Let's talk about this - about building a church community of women (or men, but the context of the post is women) that loves, sharpens and challenges each other.  Let's talk about building a community that is full of depth and grace and joy.  That is the place we come when we need to wrestle, and the place we come to celebrate.  Not just the place for safe conversation and coffee cake.

I've been blessed to find a small house church community that has embodied this sort of place for me, and I'm curious about all of you - do you have this sort of place where you are both loved and sharpened?  I'd like to hear about it if you do, and to hear about your search for it, or thoughts about it if you don't.

So...today...

So today:

• I'm feeling slightly revived after one of the better sleeps I've had in several weeks
• I'm spending the morning with a friend, having coffee and catching up
• I need to study Greek and Latin word bases in preparation for a quiz tomorrow
• I have a job interview
• I'm wearing a necklace that I really like
• I'm praying for house church tonight, and for the friend who I asked to come as a guest speaker/teacher for the evening.
• I'm thinking about some laughable moments that may ensue
• I'll be applying for several more jobs
• I'm hoping the sun is out (I live in a basement, and I haven't seen outside yet)
• I'm scraping through my closet, trying to find job interview appropriate clothing.  My student wardrobe consists of a lot of jeans and hoodies.  I haven't exactly used a lot of my office employee wardrobe in the last year.
• I'm thinking about how every time I do eagle pose (the arm part, more than the leg part) in a yoga class, I end up sore the next day, because it stretches and pulls the parts of my shoulders and upper back that remain tight and sensitive, over a year after the car accident that injured them.
• For the moment anyway, I'm mostly smiling

A Thing in Your Nose

On Sunday I attended the church my dad pastors, the church I grew up in, to hear some friends who are missionaries share their hearts.

Those of you who have been faithfully reading this blog know that I seem to have a certain magnetism for nosy older ladies when I pay visits to that church, and the seeming ability to shock them without trying (my favorite story on that front is recorded here).

This past Sunday was no exception, though it was a different lady, with a more bold approach than usual.

The service had ended, and I was standing with a small group of people - the missionary friends and a few others, when this particular lady walked up and inserted herself into our circle of conversation.

She paused for a moment, stared at my face, and then chose the following as her introductory remark:

"You have one of those things in your nose!"

She turned to our missionary friends, and commented that their daughter "does too."

I really thought we were past the stage where the elderly church ladies notice and are shocked by the tiny stud that I wear in my right nostril, since I've been wearing it for over three years now, but clearly I was wrong.

She continued to study my face intently.

"I could never do that.  I get sick too often and am always blowing my nose."

The mental image of this take charge matron of an old lady wearing a nose piercing was cracking me up.  Cracking me up in the inner voice starts to lecture sort of way, "Lisa Christine!  This would not be the appropriate time to laugh.  It would also not be the appropriate time to ask her where she had ever gotten the impression that anyone thought she should pierce her nose."

For once, the mental voice kicked in soon enough, and the filters reached my mouth.

I replied calmly, explaining (though with some secret amusement), that I too am often sick, and suffer from allergies and blow my nose constantly.  The nose ring is not a problem for this, and hasn't ever been, except perhaps for the first few weeks after it was done, when the wound was still healing.

"Well, isn't there a big thing in there, on the back, to keep it in?"

(My inner voice is still very amused that I am discussing the logistics of nose piercings with this "nosy" old lady, when only moments before I'd been having a very good conversation about ministry in South East Asia with my friends.)

And so, I explained the logistics of the fact that my particular nose ornament is made of surgical plastic or silicone, and no, it doesn't have a back, it's more of a corkscrew shape that prevents it from coming out, and it sits flush against the inside of my nostril.

This seemed to stymie her, and she moved on, leaving me rather amused that yet again my Sunday morning had taken an odd old lady turn.

Wolves and Sheep and The Ache

I came across the video below on Carla Harding's blog the other night.

I am a university student again, and while I don't relate with all of this this time around, some of it is still deeply powerful, and it's definitely worth listening to.





Not long after watching this, I also came across this cartoon at nakedpastor.  It spoke to the same parts of me that the video did. I think far too often I've been a victim of the second frame from the cartoon, rather than the first.  Wolves among Sheep, instead of Sheep Among Wolves.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 123

So, today was not quite as long and crazy as yesterday, but it had its moments, and I'm not caught up on the reverb 10 project.  Hopefully over the weekend!

In the meantime, here's today's daily 5:

1. waking up at mom and dad's after a mid-week sleepover due to last night's late night and today's early morning, much easier public transit access from their house
2. collecting some wrapping paper scraps from the toy shoppe at work for a project I'm working on
3. incredible joy and smiles on people's faces as they shop for their kids
4. having great joy at work, even amidst some really chaotic moments
5. House church Christmas dinner tonight
6. some really great conversations with friends
7. a steak sandwich (red meat was just what I needed as this crazy week has been sapping some energy!)
8. home decently early
9. a few good hugs from friends
10. feeling joy in the holiday season - not generally my favorite time of year at all, but this year I'm learning about anticipation and excitement, instead of painful, dragging, waiting through Advent, and it's a lovely change.

Reverb 10: Day 7 - Community

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 7 – Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
(Author: Cali Harris)

 A little over a year ago I started attending a house church.  It was unexpected.  I sort of fell into it.

When I started easing back into a church, after a year away, recovering from the fallout of a mission trip that didn't go as planned, and too many years of expectations and the pressure of being a pastor's kid, I picked the biggest church in the city.  Someplace where I could slip in and out anonymously.  Where I'd never be noticed, and no one would know if I was there week to week.

One week I heard a pastor speak, and something about what he said made me curious.  He was in charge of a church plant, but a non-traditional one.  A group of house churches.  Something in the things he said caught my attention - it caught the part of my heart that had been hunting for a place where God was moving in surprising ways, and it caught my attention because it was particularly unusual coming from the stage of our local version of a mega church.

I sent an email.

It took a while for a response to come, and by the time the response came, life had gotten crazy again, and I ignored it.

A month or two later, the pastor emailed me again, asking if I was still interested, and would I like to meet for lunch.  God seemed to be prompting, I said, yes, met with him, shared a bit of my story, and accepted an invitation to attend a particular house church the following week.

It was this time last year that I went for the first time. 

For the first several months, I made myself go, every week, hoping that the "new person in a small group of people who've been together for a while" thing would pass.  I knew it was the right place for me, but it took a long time for it to feel like home.

But it does feel like home, now.  That is the community of people who came around me when I fell down the stairs, totaled my car, lost my job, spent the summer studying, and as I've navigated the ins and outs of an incredibly tricky living situation this year.  They are the people I laugh with, and that I've cried with, and on the Thursday nights when I'm not with them, I really miss them.

They've taught me what it is to be there in the good times and the bad.  We've navigated a lot of ins and outs of each others lives, and I'm so thankful that that pastor followed up and sent a second email, and that somehow I said yes to a lunch meeting, and ended up with a church community that God confirms over and over again is the right place for me in this season.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 109

Today's Daily 5:

1. An unsigned card, containing a generous and timely anonymous gift
2. Seeing things we've been working on begin to come together
3. Finding the ability to laugh at some of the more ridiculous aspects of my life and relationships
4. Being a valued part of a team
5. Cookies By George cookies
6. Subway for supper
7. Taking a break to read a novel
8. A smaller group at House Church again, and what I think was again really challenging and good conversation
9. Getting to be honest
10. Noticing the ways God is moving and working in my life and in the lives of some of the others at house church

Odd Sort of Day

I'm sitting at my parent's house, thinking I should probably eat some supper, and then head out the door.  It's Thursday and that means it's house church night.  It also means I need to make sure I leave mom and dad's by 6:00 for the train station, to take a train one stop north.  If I don't leave here by 6:00, I might miss my bus connection at the next station north.  Since the bus only runs a few times an hour, missing it would rather complicate my evening plans.

House church is being led tonight by "that person".  The one that every group seems to have.  The one that no one is quite sure what to do with.  It should be an interesting experience and likely provide either humorous venting, or just straight-up giggles on the ride home later tonight.

My day started well, with a phone call from my former roommate and very dear friend, L.  We talked for close to two hours, catching up on three weeks or so of life, and a myriad of details.  It was the kind of conversation I'm learning to look for and love.  One that covers all the really important stuff of each of our lives, but still leaves room for lots of giggles, chatting, and just generally joyful and interested conversation.  We cover the important things, but without the intensity that can sometimes be so painfully present.  Or maybe just without the side effects of that intensity.  Whatever it is, I'm trying to have more of those kinds of important conversations, and less of the ones that leave me exhausted, teary, and unable to think straight.  It seems healthier some how, to find ways to talk about the important things without them taking over the entirety of my being.  Without getting sick and being unable to eat.  With laughter interspersed with tears.

And then, eventually, reality hit.  It always does.  The "I don't quite know what to do, but should probably look for work, but don't know what kind of work to look for, because I don't know if I'm going to school in January, and don't know for sure when I'll know if I'm going to school in January" reality that is currently the defining factor in my days.  One of my goals for today was to send out some resumes - to at least make an effort at productivity and finding a source of income.  The only question was what sort of work to apply for given the current reality.  I applied for a number of part-time gigs that I'm at least interested in, if not excessively passionate about.  And I applied for one, a contract position, that would fit some assumed needs just perfectly (except that it would likely preclude an escape I'd hoped to make.)  This one is one I could excel at, and feel passionate about.

I have the middle of the day doldrums a lot these days.  That sense of wandering, lack of purpose that I don't quite know what to do with.  The sense of stagnancy and sometimes worry that comes with waiting on many, many fronts.   The doldrums come and they hang out, and they make me panic as I feel my mood swing.  And so I push them away, filling time and space.  And waiting, always waiting.

It's been an odd sort of day.  One with extremes, and things that were completely lacking in extremes.  One where the doldrums hit hard and I worried at things in my head the way a small dog "worries" a toy until it comes free.  Not my most stellar of days, though one with lots of little things checked off of lists, and a number of things to add to a daily 5 list at the end of the day.

Tomorrow is a chance to do this again.  To be busy, and productive.  To work on diet and supplements and all the little physical things that also help with the doldrums.  To fill my time.  To talk with Jesus.  To wait patiently, without the worrying.  I'll try again tomorrow, and celebrate the little victories of today.

A Really Good Response

I've been living in a hole, and avoiding news lately, so I haven't heard yet about whatever the latest church scandal that spurred this post at Stuff Christians Like, but I really appreciated the perspective it offered.

I had a conversation just the other day about how frustrated I get by Christians who can only see the bad in the church (or in the sphere of church that happens to exist outside their particular theological worldview.)  It almost physically pains me to hear that (though I've certainly been guilty of that and a certain cynicism as well.  In any case, I really appreciated the gracious challenge to the tendency to gossip about another high profile church scandal that Jon Acuff presented, and I wanted to make sure to link to it here so that you all could see it too!

Your Type Not Wanted

I loved this cartoon when it appeared on ASBO Jesus recently.

I'm a pastor's kid and I spent years as one of those question marks.  I also spent years working to conceal that I was one of those question marks.  I'll never forget some of the faces as I shared my testimony when I was baptised (by my dad) just weeks before my eighteenth birthday.  For the first time (and maybe the only time in that church), I talked about the fact that for the past six years I'd been asking major questions about my faith.  That I'd spent a lot of years pretty convinced that I didn't even want anything to do with this Christian thing.   That a church split that happened when I was ten had left me pretty convinced that most Christians were hypocrites and not people I wanted to know.  That I hated being a pastor's kid. And (though I'm not sure I actually said this in my testimony) that the only reason my butt was in a seat week after week for a lot of those years was that the rule in our house was that as long as we were under legal age (which is 18 here in Alberta) and living in mom and dad's house, on Sunday morning we would be in church.  There were a few pretty shocked faces as I shared.

Looking back I wonder if they would have been gracious about the questions.  But at the time, all I knew to do was hide them.  I hid them other places too, but mostly in church.  And these days, I meet people all the time who know what it's like to be "that type".  And I count it a privilege to stand up and tell them "me too" and I still love Jesus, and I know He loves me and welcomes me - questions and all.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 26

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thai peanut noodles
2. a long phone conversation this morning with L. in England
3. laughing with L, who knows me so well, and laughing with her in return
4. house church tonight - planning for the coming couple of months
5. watching episodes of M*A*S*H* on DVD

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 19

Today's Daily 5:

1. House church tonight
2. The challenge of listening for God in a new way via an exercise at house church
3. the smile of a friend
4. organic dried mango
5. grateful today for the intercessor part of my heart... not always, but today, as I prayed for several friends going through various challenges right now, I was grateful for it.

From Richard Rohr

Today's meditation from Richard Rohr was stunning, and I wanted to share it in it's entirety here:

Question of the Day:
What struggles have given me a deeper insight
into the workings of the Holy Spirit?

The best thing that I can possibly do as a teacher/preacher is to help people to recognize and trust their own deeper spiritual intuitions.  I am convinced this is what we would call the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit.  We are not alone; guidance is always being offered. 

My great disappointment in so much of institutional religion is that I don’t think it helps people to trust their deeper spiritual intuitions.  So often it appears to be doing a non-stop flight over all of that.  Often we give people answers to questions they have not yet struggled with or suffered for.  So the answers that they finally have are not deeply understood or deeply felt.  They are not their own answers, and are forgotten easily.

(Richard Rohr, "The Authority of Those Who Have Suffered")

~~~

It feels odd to post a critique of institutional religion. I'm probably the biggest proponent of the organized church that I know.  And I don't particularly care what form it takes, either.  I've met Jesus powerfully at mass, and in a crazy charismatic church, and in a home church, and sitting in the dark in a car with a friend.  I feel strongly that each one of those moments, and everything in between encompasses the body of Christ.

That said, Rohr's words hit me strongly.  Because I've had people offer me answers to questions I didn't know I had, and they weren't my answers.  I needed to go through a lot of painful experiences to have answers to those questions.  I wrote, in one way or another, about some of those experiences here, here, and here over the last week.  I'm grateful for those experiences, and for the answers that came in the midst of suffering.

They've changed the way I pray.  Though I prefer to be left alone at times to simply live out my own "mysteries of faith", my nature is to fix it.  Quick answers.  "Easy" solutions.  Box that problem up into manageable sizes.  I've learned to really value the friends who ask me to listen for my own spiritual intuition (as Rohr puts it).  And I'm learning to emulate them as I walk with others through hard parts of their journeys.

Daily 5 - Day 335

Today was not a banner day.  I was in tears at least 5 separate times.  It was just one of those "life kind of stinks right now as I'm working through some stuff that will ultimately be good but hurts like crap at the moment" kind of days.

But, here are a few things that made me smile, or that I'm thankful for.  Today's Daily 5:

1. 335 days of making these lists
2. a moment tonight at house church where someone made an innocent but unfortunate comment in that it was easily twisted, and about six of us in the room simultaneously heard the twisted version, caught each other's eyes and dissolved into laughter
3. the giggles of a baby (also at house church)
4. hugs from a couple of friends
5. fresh French bread and spinach dip
6. understanding emails and praying friends

Bittersweet

If my thoughts are as random as the items on my desk right now, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a little bit scattered this morning.  My desk has items ranging from cookbooks, a model of a human skull painted in bright colors, a birthday party invitation, and all the various ephemera that accompanies my current lifestyle as a full time student.

Come to think of it, my thoughts might be less random than that.  They're fairly specific, actually.

I'm thinking about some people I met a few years back, in the midst of what would become the beginning of the most challenging and painful and questioning portion of my life.  I'm thinking about how I've found facebook to be a fabulous way to connect and stay connected with the lives of friends, but how it can also be bittersweet.  I looked at some photos this morning and my heart hurt a little as I thought of what was, and what I wished could have been.  It's funny how those little twinges come at moments, even over two years later, how the heart hurts, even after things have moved on, and life has moved on.

As far as broken relationships go, I wonder sometimes if there isn't always going to be that thought of "maybe if I just reach out that one more time", even when there is the deep knowledge within me that what was will likely never be again.

I spent the weekend at my parent's house.  And by that I mean that I slept here, too.  I haven't been at Grandma's since Friday morning.  It was a nice break.  Not one that I'm likely to repeat really regularly, but a nice break.  A needed one.  And it let me do things like staying up late last night to watch a movie with mom and dad - to laugh, and then still have a place to sleep.

I went to dad's church yesterday morning and chatted with a variety of people.  People who are always well-meaning and want to know what's going on with my life.  Some who I was happy to share with, and some whom it would have been rude to rebuff.  I haven't yet gotten used to answering the "are you still working at...?" question yet.  And the myriad of questions that come with it when I respond with "no."  It's weirder still to explain that right now I'm spending my days buried in textbooks, working towards admission to a nursing program.  Because there are definitely questions that come with that as well.  (It's also the reason there is a brightly painted model of a skull sitting on my desk today!)

I guess I'm feeling bittersweet today.  Peaceful and bittersweet.  Missing in some ways, the things that used to be, and looking forward to the things that are coming, and waiting, living in the present, and feeling what comes with each day - the joy and sorrows equally.

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut!

You know those moments, the ones where you realize just a few seconds too late, that it was definitely a bad idea to say that, whatever that is?  I had one recently.

Mine was the sort of epic fail that makes pastor's kids or other children of people in some sort of public life the world over cringe in sympathy. 

It involved a church lady.

Not just any church lady, but that one.  You know, the one who wears the skirt where the waist sits just a little bit too high, the skirt that reaches quite properly to just below the knee, with the button down blouse tucked into it.  She always has pantyhose on.  And pumps.  But she doesn't like the clicking noise that the pumps make on the wooden floor of the gym, so she kind of tiptoes around - sort of like she's creeping up on you.  (I do an excellent impression of this tiptoeing, and I'd be happy to share with you all in person sometime.)  She's the one who is very well meaning, but incredibly nosy.  The one who is an administrator (that's the nice "Christian" word for "control freak," right?)  The one that doesn't hear "no" very often, mostly because she's a fan of either guilt or "voluntelling" - whatever works.

There is one of these ladies in my life.  This particular one has made me cringe since, well, childhood, for all of the reasons listed above, magnified by the fact that my father is her pastor.

Every time I have a conversation with her (and these days, they're thankfully rare), I forget that it's probably not wise to be my usual bluntly honest self, and my mental filters kick in just a moment too late.

The last time it happened was about two weeks back.

It started innocuously.  I got the usual "It's so good to see you here, Lisa."  (I get that a lot when I visit my dad's church.  It's part of the deal when you're the pastor's kid.  It's an even bigger part of the deal when you're the only child of said pastor to have decided to find a spiritual home someplace other than the church your dad pastor's.)  Outloud I returned some sort of pleasantry.  In my head, I was reminding myself that this was not a guilt trip comment (even though it often feels like one).  I was telling myself that this lady was trying to be genuinely nice, and that I needed to receive it that way, whatever my issues were.

Perhaps I should stop having conversations with myself when busy having a conversation with people with whom many years of experience have taught the neccessity of careful filtering of all comments made aloud.

Because, you see, she wasn't done.  The "what are you doing now" nosyness had kicked in.

"Are you still living with your grandma?"

(for you to appreciate the full magnitude of what was to come, you should know that my grandma rather proudly attends this church, is sort of buddy-buddy with this particular person, and had, based on the number of questions I got from her buddies, clearly told all of her friends how delighted she was that I was moving into her basement, back when I was moving into her basement.)

"yes, I'm still living there."

"And do you like it?"

"No, I hate it."

Less than a second after those words came out of my mouth, that internal voice was screaming at me, not just chiding.  "Lisa Christine!  What did you just say??? And to who did you say it?  What were you thinking?  Look at her face!"

Her face was slightly stunned and then highly disappointed.

Her recovery was quick though, and prying, "Oh!  I thought it would be such a good arrangement!"

A pause.

A painful, life flashing before my eyes, I'm twelve again and going to get in trouble for this, pause.

"You just prefer living on your own?"

"Mmm..."

You see, my filters had kicked in.  Mono-syllables, no real words.  Always the best bet.

The worst part is, experience has taught me that this particular church lady is the sort who would quite possibly go straight to my parents with her disappointed concern.

And that left me only one option.

Confession.

To both of my parents, in various conversations through the afternoon.

Just in case some damage control needed to be done.

(I don't think it has, by the way).

My parents know the lady, and were sympathetic, and laughed at my description of my conversational gaffe.

But I have thought of it many times in the following weeks.

I prefer a policy of honesty, all the time, often a bit blunt.

In that case, though, it would have been so much better, for everyone involved, if I had just kept my mouth shut!

Some Good Thoughts on Church History

I'm a fan of Carolyn Arends, and I became a bigger fan when I read her most recent article for Christianity Today magazine, detailing how church history gives context to our faith.  It's no secret that I'm a history geek, and this article is worth spending a few minutes to read.

Daily 5 - Day 308

Today's Daily 5:

1. hugging a baby through most of house church
2. encouragement from friends as I pursue this crazy, sudden journey of studying
3. rooibos tea
4. magic bags
5. a novel to read and take a few minutes away from studying and relax
6. home-made brownies at house church
7. nachos, and baby cucumbers dipped in baba ganouj for lunch
8. having a place other than grandma's to study at 
9. offers of help from knowledgeable friends for if I get stuck on various study topics
10. finding a book I'd been talking about with a friend at a used bookshop today unexpectedly, for an affordable price, so I can send her a copy.

Daily 5 - Day 290

Today's Daily 5:

1. slept relatively peacefully last night
2. tears in church
3. more emails from a dear friend
4. "you give and take away"
5. time with family