Relieved

I'm still in bed.  And it's not because I'm sick.

For the first time in ten weeks, this morning I have no studying waiting for me.

And the relief is sweet.

This summer has been challenging as I studied, and began to deal with all kinds of personal stuff from my past that was also surfacing.

I wrote my last exam yesterday. and I'm spending this morning in bed.  Resting.  Thinking.  Praying.

Even my subconscious felt the relief, and even my dreams shifted gears this morning before I woke.  Towards all the personal stuff, now that the burden of studying has been removed.

And so, the journey continues.  And I'm committed to it.

But this morning I'm enjoying the relief of being done, and the feeling of shifting direction again.

Final Push

This is it.  Final push day.

In case you haven't guessed, most of the posts happening this week were scheduled on the weekend.  This is the crazy week.  Two finals, a quiz and an assignment.  And then I'll be done.

Yesterday I wrote the first final (stats) and was pleased with how it went.  I also submitted the assignment that I'd completed the day before, and I did the final anatomy quiz.  (Not stellar, but better than I'd hoped, I think.)

What's left is my anatomy final, tomorrow afternoon.  This is a class with pages and pages and pages of very detailed notes to cover, and my brain has been exhausted.  It's really just too much information to absorb.  But this is it, and I have a plan, involving chapter by chapter review, and answering lots and lots of multiple choice questions.  Today, I feel relatively peaceful.  I know myself well, and I'm quite aware that that could change as the day goes on, and as I hit roadblocks that demonstrate how much I DON'T know in certain areas. 

I've been reminding myself all week to be gentle with myself.  To offer the best that I have to this school work, and to be okay when the best means that it's less than I know I have been capable of at other points in my life.  To not feel guilty for the fact that I've needed naps every day this week so far, and that I've lost a precious four or five hours of studying to those naps.  I've already acknowledged to myself this morning that I will likely need to nap today, as well.  And I've reminded myself that it is okay to take the evening off, and not study, study, study until bedtime.

Tomorrow morning I'll do some final review and then I'll write the exam.  And then the rest of my day will be full.

But, in the meantime, I'm doing a little bit of puttering.  Settling myself in for the day.  Writing this blog post.  Tackling a bunch of little online tasks - some fun stuff, and some things that are just part of the daily routine.  I'm eating breakfast.  And I'm telling myself that I'm going to do my very best to hang onto this "calm before the storm" feeling, even when the storm starts in earnest. 

I'd appreciate your prayers as I study today and tomorrow morning, and as I write the exam tomorrow afternoon. 

And, I'll be back, with some scheduled and some unscheduled posts through the next several days as well!  See you then!

Risking Failure

Yesterday I completed the final statistics assignment.  Within hours I'd received the mark back - 100%.  That made me smile.  Math has never been my "thing" but the grades are rolling in with smile inducing numbers in the statistics course.

I wish I could say the same thing for my anatomy course, but I just can't.  The amount of information is overwhelming, and I'd guess that the grade is going to be far less (by maybe 2 letter grades, or 20%, however you prefer) than what I'd anticipated it would be at the beginning of the summer when I began this crazy adventure of completing a course normally taught in a classroom over the space of eight months by myself in the space of two months.

And that grade reality has weighed heavily on my mind.  I even failed and had to repeat one quiz.  I'm not sure I've ever failed a school assignment (non-math related, anyway) before.  It's weighed most, heavily, though, because my acceptance into a nursing program is in part dependent on my grade point average - a grade point average I'd hoped to help, not hinder further, by taking these summer courses.

Unwittingly, I've been putting off the process of applying for admission to the nursing program.  Late last week I realized that I was putting it off, in part, because I was afraid of facing the reality of possible failure.  Of not being accepted.  I was afraid of the risk.  The day before yesterday I was reading a chapter in the book I'm currently making my way through, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and the author talked about happiness coming in part from successes, but that successes can't come unless we risk failure.  I'd have to go back and look to confirm that that was the point she was making, but it was the point that stood out in my brain.

Yesterday I took a risk.  It sounds ridiculous, but it was a really hard thing for me to sit down at the computer and submit my application to the university for the nursing program.  But I did it, even though I still fear I'll be rejected based on my grade point average.  And I'm glad I did.  I have a contingency plan for future study, and I'll be okay (though very disappointed) if I don't get accepted.  I'm convinced, still, that nursing is the direction in which God is leading, and I'm choosing to trust that even this will work out in His timing, and not mine.

It's real now.  I've applied.  And so the waiting begins.  Well, after I finish up all this course work.  Only 6 days remaining!

Another Day

Schoolwork is somewhat all consuming at the moment.

Add that to limited energy again as I work through some emotionally draining stuff, and I'm finding myself generally with few words.

I'm struggling to find words even for those I share life with on a daily basis, online or "in real life" (or both!)

Last night I re-took an anatomy quiz from last weekend that did not go well.  I passed the retake, and that was pretty much all I was looking for.

This morning I wrote an anatomy midterm on the same material.

A week from today I write another anatomy midterm.  Before that midterm I have another quiz, and an assignment to submit.  And before the quiz and the assignment, I have five chapters of material to absorb.

All that to say that it might be a little quiet around here for the next week or so, again.  Unless I manage to find time on the weekend to schedule some posts.

But I am still reading emails and comments, and they're often making me smile.

So there's that, I guess.

Motivation Lacking

On days like today I start hearing the word "discipline" in my head.

I can never quite decide if it's a dirty word, or a positive trait.

I heard it a lot going up.  It was touted by my dad as "the" character trait to develop.  "If you're just disciplined..."  Everything was approached with this sort of regimented plan.  Attacked if you will.  Struggling in your prayer life?  Discipline.  Want to lose weight or eat right?  Discipline.  You name the question, the answer was very often discipline.

It's not a word I like.  To me it's a word that carries connotations of failure.  Of not measuring up.  Of a regimented, planned, boring, lacking in deep experiences kind of life.

And I rebelled against that.  Especially in my spiritual life.

Because I was tired of feeling like a failure. 

I convinced myself that discipline was a dirty word, and that I'd just do what I felt like with life.

Trouble is, I usually didn't feel like doing any of those things that are good for me.

A friend told me recently that the discipline I was applying in some areas of my life was good to see, that it was a positive trait.

I reminded her that I wasn't fond of that word.

She pointed out again that it was a quality worth developing.

I've been thinking on that.

I'm thinking about it today, when the motivation to study for my first anatomy midterm is sorely lacking.  When I'm not feeling well, and what I really want to do is to crawl back into bed and sleep for a couple of days.  When I'm sitting here writing a blog post instead of reviewing anatomy notes, or vacuuming, or working on a statistics assignment, or a reading assignment for the Christian leadership course that I'm also taking.

I'm thinking I'd better apply myself, and use all the tricks in the book to make it work.  Rewards, little breaks.  Whatever it takes.  Because that midterm is tomorrow, and this grade is important.  How I do in these classes has an effect on my future.

So, I'm off to drum up some motivation.  And, if all else fails, I'll force the issue.

Maybe discipline isn't such a dirty word afterall?

Random Today Thoughts

This has been the sort of day I generally like best.  Things go smoothly, and get accomplished, but there is rest and joy and peace and humor amongst those things.

I needed a today like this.  Yesterday was anything but.  Full of hard moments and tears.  Just one of those days where all of the things being juggled come crashing to the ground and you stand there amidst the scattered bits and pieces of life and wonder if this is really what the beginning of healing looks like?  This shattered, broken, scattered thing?

Today's anatomy chapter was about the "special senses".  Taste, vision, hearing, smell and equilibrium.  It was a long chapter.  Vision and hearing in particular, it turns out, are rather involved processes.  I learned (or in some cases was reminded of) some facts that fascinated me.  Things like the fact that though your nose is able to distinguish something like 10,000 unique smells, there are actually only 5 distinguishable tastes.  Practically, this means that when you have a cold and your food seems tasteless, it's actually because your nose is plugged and you can't smell, and doesn't have much at all to do with the physical process of taste.  By far my favorite fact of the day is the reason you get a runny nose when you cry.  (Hey, I spent a good portion of yesterday crying, I had a vested interest in this piece of information!)  It turns out that your tear ducts actually drain into your nose.  So, when you cry, and your tear ducts are producing tears like crazy, instead of just lubricating your eye, they spill over your eyelids (and down your cheeks) and the excess drains into your nose.  Thus, a runny nose when crying!

The anatomy chapter too probably four hours to wade through and make notes and define terms, but stats went quickly today, though I'll need to attack another assignment over the next few days, and that is bound to be time consuming.  Other than that, though, and some serious memorizing and review, I don't have anything on the schedule school wise, for the weekend.  And that is a relief in and of itself.

I also spent an hour or so resting this afternoon.  Laid out in a hot bath, reading a novel.  A most excellent way to reward oneself for a long morning of anatomy, and to ease the edges of yesterday's painful remnants.

An email to my former roommate, catching her up on life, and another to the man in charge of my RRSPs from my former company rounded out the day.  Call me crazy, but I'm looking at changing financial advisors.  I'm just not comfortable with the close ties my financial advisor has to my former employer.  Ties professionally, but more uncomfortably, personally.  Ties like being the ex-husband of the woman who was formally my boss.  Though I know there is a code of professional ethics that he'd be a fool to break, I'll feel better if someone who doesn't talk to her regularly because of shared children, is in charge of a large sum of my money!

And with that, I'm off... dad's church is having a Stampede BBQ tonight, and if there's free food, that's usually where I can be found these days!  Food, likely laughter, and family.  Doesn't sound like a bad way to spend an evening!

Daily 5 - Day 330

Today's Daily 5:

1. 330 days of daily 5 lists
2. getting back another stats assignment with a grade of 95%.  What you need to understand is that the last time I got a grade like that in math, I was probably 6 years old and just learning to add and subtract.  I barely scraped through math in high school with a grade that would get me admitted to university, and that grade was a blessing, since the year I wrote the diploma exam, the math one was being tested, for new curriculum, and was only worth 20% of our grade instead of the usual 50%.  So, to get a grade like the 88% I got back yesterday and the 95% I got back today really shocked me and encouraged me and gave me hope.  I've been absolutely slogging through stats this week, and wasn't at all confident in the work I was doing on these assignments, and to get those grades felt like such a gift and confirmation of this crazy path I'm pursuing these days.
3. managing to focus and study for probably close to nine hours today.  I really needed to feel well enough to put a day like that in, and I haven't all week, so it was a blessing to do so today.
4. a couple of really good chats in the last few days with a very dear friend
5. taking the evening (after about 8:00) off to just do nothing, putter online, etc.  Not bringing homework home with me tonight.
6. fresh cherries
7. peanut m&m's
8. 10 minute yoga for a third day in a row
9. finishing a third stats assignment today as well
10. walking home to grandma's after mom dropped me at the office supply store to get another assignment scanned.  After all those hours of studying, it was nice to just be outside (after the heat had dissipated a bit) and get a bit of exercise.

Learning

To be honest, at the moment, I'm a bit stressed out.  Everything has taken longer than planned this week, and, though I've built a bit of leeway into my study schedule for the summer, there's not a lot, and I'm probably two full days of studying behind where I'd like to be at this point.  I'm reminding myself, too, that some of the things I've given time to this week, some social things, were absolutely necessary.

It's easy to look at my schedule for the week and think, "I 'wasted' time with that coffee date, or seeing so and so."  But the time wasn't wasted.  It was time that fed my soul.  And that is so necessary as well.

It's just not easy to remember that I matter too, not just the self-imposed deadlines.

It's also a lesson to remember to check not just my social calendar, but my school calendar for the upcoming week or weeks before I schedule social engagements.  To work on balancing those out so that I don't have several social engagements in the midst of a painfully busy week.

I'm learning.  About myself, and how I handle stress.  About my moods and motivations and discipline.

And about anatomy and statistics too.

Tuesday

Is it bad that it's only Tuesday and I'm already feeling a bit panicked about the way that the week is shaping up?

This is an incredibly busy week, and I absolutely, positively MUST accomplish the things on my list.  And there is a lot of stuff (mostly school work) on my list.  This is the first week that assignments can be submitted, quizzes written, and tests scheduled, and I've got some of all three on my list.

But it's going slower than I'd hoped.  Yesterday wasn't as productive as I would have liked (though it was productive) because I wasn't feeling well - I was busy fighting with a headache and aching muscles all day.  Today, well, a stats assignment that I'd hoped would take a couple of hours has taken most of the day.  I'm confident in the answers I've arrived at for the assignment, but it was time consuming.  Other than ten minutes of yoga, a few emails, a shower, and a brief lunch break, it's all I've done today.

You can imagine what kind of a good mood all those hours of math (with more to come - there are more assignments left to do!) has left me in.

Tomorrow is going to be a bit crazy.  Coffee with a friend from out of town will fill part of my morning.  And coffee with a different friend in the evening removes those hours from my day as well.

It's looking like it's going to be the kind of week where the weekend holds quite a lot of homework as well.  Ah, well.  Here's hoping that the hours left today, the hours I fit in tomorrow, and the hours of Thursday and Friday are highly productive.  Perhaps I won't have to cram too much into the weekend.  At least I'm hoping not anyway.

Daily 5 - Day 326

Today's Daily 5:

1. reviewing anatomy while laying in a bubble bath in mom and dad's big soaker tub - how fun is it that my study "office" comes with those kind of perks.  Mom and Dad were both out all day today, thus no clients of mom's coming and going, meaning I could use the big upstairs bathroom and do homework in the tub.
2. Having the whole day of quiet time, in a house that doesn't have all sorts of issues
3. managing to finish nearly everything on what was an admittedly rather long list for the day
4. working in little chunks - taking breaks here and there
5. the satisfaction that comes from planning my week, and then managing to take chunks out of my list early in the week.

Canada Day etc.

Today is Canada Day.  The day one of my two countries of citizenship pauses a little to celebrate itself.

It's also Rwandan Independence Day.  I learned that a few years back from a dear friend who carries Rwanda in her heart, and I think of it every year. 

This is the first July 1 in several years where I haven't been moving.  It was always moving day the last several years.  This year I'm ensconced at Grandma's.  (more on summer in Grandma's basement later today.)

It's odd to not be transitioning today.

Instead, I'm getting a slightly late start, waiting for my sister-in-law, who is coming to potentially borrow some clothes for a wedding, and then giving me a ride to mom and dad's.

I'm not really going to celebrate today.  I'm going to study.  There are a couple statistics exercises with my name on them.  And lots of anatomy to review.

Daily 5 - Day 321

Today's Daily 5:

1. A good conversation tonight with my brother J. while he worked on building a retaining wall at my parent's house.  The time was that we couldn't be in the same room with each other without fighting, and if I'm being honest, he's the one who's made the effort to patch things up between us.  In any case, conversations like the one we had tonight make me grateful for healing of relationships.
2. cookies I picked up at the grocery store the other night.  so good to have a sweet snack on a study break.
3. thankful for a mellow week
4. thankful that I kind of even understood the stats concepts I studied today (this is not always the case!)
5. loving that I'm eating at my parent's these days (and that they're letting me).  We're eating way better food than I generally cook for myself, simply because it's easier to shop and cook for three or more people than it is for one.  More variety, and nicer cuts of meat are making me a happy lady.  Tonight was grilled chicken salad for supper.  So good.

Mellow Week

I'm having a kind of mellow week, and it's a nice change.

Studying is slower.  I'm moving slowly forward in Stats, but anatomy is at a place where I'm simply reviewing, waiting for the official start date so that I can submit the first assignment, take the first quiz, and write the first midterm.

My evenings have been slow and mellow, too.  Full of time sprawled on my bed, reading or playing a game online.  And full of time spent listening to worship services and teaching from various churches online or by podcast.

It's a nice change of pace, since I know that next week things will kick into crazyness again.  But for this week, I'm loving the slower, more mellow pace.  Especially given the crazy internal stuff that went on last week in particular.  It's nice to simply feel quieter, inside and out.

Bittersweet

If my thoughts are as random as the items on my desk right now, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a little bit scattered this morning.  My desk has items ranging from cookbooks, a model of a human skull painted in bright colors, a birthday party invitation, and all the various ephemera that accompanies my current lifestyle as a full time student.

Come to think of it, my thoughts might be less random than that.  They're fairly specific, actually.

I'm thinking about some people I met a few years back, in the midst of what would become the beginning of the most challenging and painful and questioning portion of my life.  I'm thinking about how I've found facebook to be a fabulous way to connect and stay connected with the lives of friends, but how it can also be bittersweet.  I looked at some photos this morning and my heart hurt a little as I thought of what was, and what I wished could have been.  It's funny how those little twinges come at moments, even over two years later, how the heart hurts, even after things have moved on, and life has moved on.

As far as broken relationships go, I wonder sometimes if there isn't always going to be that thought of "maybe if I just reach out that one more time", even when there is the deep knowledge within me that what was will likely never be again.

I spent the weekend at my parent's house.  And by that I mean that I slept here, too.  I haven't been at Grandma's since Friday morning.  It was a nice break.  Not one that I'm likely to repeat really regularly, but a nice break.  A needed one.  And it let me do things like staying up late last night to watch a movie with mom and dad - to laugh, and then still have a place to sleep.

I went to dad's church yesterday morning and chatted with a variety of people.  People who are always well-meaning and want to know what's going on with my life.  Some who I was happy to share with, and some whom it would have been rude to rebuff.  I haven't yet gotten used to answering the "are you still working at...?" question yet.  And the myriad of questions that come with it when I respond with "no."  It's weirder still to explain that right now I'm spending my days buried in textbooks, working towards admission to a nursing program.  Because there are definitely questions that come with that as well.  (It's also the reason there is a brightly painted model of a skull sitting on my desk today!)

I guess I'm feeling bittersweet today.  Peaceful and bittersweet.  Missing in some ways, the things that used to be, and looking forward to the things that are coming, and waiting, living in the present, and feeling what comes with each day - the joy and sorrows equally.

Daily 5 - Day 313

Today's Daily 5:

1. beef stew and jasmine rice for supper
2. took little breaks in studying to take a walk, and later to do yoga.  it helped with focusing which was a definite challenge today.
3. got through three stats sections, and part of a chapter of anatomy
4. remembering to be thankful at moments I normally wouldn't
5. choosing healthy snacks for study breaks, instead of filling my face with chocolate all day.

Having One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days...

The distracted kind.

The kind where the painful personal stuff on my mind looms far bigger than the stuff (school work, mostly) that I really need to be focusing on.

The kind where you know the personal stuff needs some attention, but you just don't know exactly what kind of attention to give it, or what the next step in giving it attention, and stepping towards healing, is.

The fact that I'm less than engaged with the studying I've been buried in this morning - statistics - isn't helping.

I am not a math person.  Or at least not a "any math that involves more than basic addition or subtraction" kind of person.

And statistics requires formulas.  Lots of them.  I find myself constantly turning pages, knowing I should know what that letter in the formula represents, and that the problem contains the value to fill that letter in.  But I just can't remember what the letter is. 

It's going to be a very good thing that you can bring a double-sided sheet of notes and formulas into the exams for this class.  It's really my only hope.

And so, I'm off to give the personal a little attention.  I'll walk to the mailbox to mail a letter, and pause to just listen and pray.  I want to walk before the threatening thunder shower comes.

And hopefully, if I pause to pray and listen, the personal stuff will feel quieted, and I can focus.

Because I have many hours of studying ahead today.  And then a couple hours of a leadership training course tonight.

And distracted and discombobulated doesn't work well for either of those pursuits.

Daily 5 - Day 312

Today's Daily 5:

1. Lunch with a very good friend and her husband who live on the other side of the country
2. Confirmation of the news that said friend and husband will be moving back to Calgary come September
3. Proud of myself.  Was having a really hard time with a statistics equation, and starting to get frustrated, but managed to calm down and figure out where the answer was coming from.  And realized that for me to be really successful at this (numbers are so NOT my thing!) I'll need to make careful notes of the formulas and what each term in the formula is on the study sheet I can take into exams.
4. I was invited this morning to take part in a focus group tonight via an online research panel that I've been a part of.  So, I headed downtown to the office, discussed some kind of interesting stuff about the city, with some interesting people, and made $75 for two hours of my time.  Sweet deal, and any little bit of income is a blessing right now. 
5. Mom offered me a ride home to grandma's tonight, and that was welcome too, though I've got the bus route and timing to and from mom and dad's and grandma's down pretty well.
6. Laughing at a few of the responses I got to the piece I posted this morning about speaking my mind when it definitely would have been a better idea to remain silent.

Daily 5 - Day 310

Today's daily 5:

1. actually made the progress I was hoping for in anatomy.  stats is a slightly different matter, but I'm so thankful that anatomy is now getting less boring, and is becoming easier to retain.  I was fascinated by some of what I studied today, and it was just a chapter on skin.  
2. studying anatomy (even the boring bits) is reminding me of the passages that talk about God knitting us together in our mother's womb, and about being "fearfully and wonderfully made".
3. chocolate at just the right moments
4. there was finally some sunshine, and I even managed to sit in it for a little while and read a novel.
5. girl talk, and things that made me laugh on a day where I felt very internally discombobulated and was struggling with some of the stuff God is doing in my life.
6. good news from a dear friend about a forthcoming little person - can't wait to see and hug the momma to be in person next week!

My Spell-Checker Hates Me

The spell-checker built into Microsoft Word was clearly not designed by biologists. 

It's having heart attacks over my word useage as I spend hours a day sitting and typing anatomy notes.

The pages are full of words marked with that annoying jagged red underline. 

On the other hand, that annoying underline does make me double-check the spelling of the word that I've copied directly from my textbook.

But the spell checker?  It hates me just presently.

Daily 5 - Day 309

The daily 5 started 309 days ago.  For those of you who are newer here, you can find my initial introduction to the concept here.  But the long and the short of it is this:  I was needing to find ways to truly choose joy in my life, and one of the ways I came up with was to make a list of 5 items (these days it can be any number as long as there at least 5) that I was either thankful for, or that had brought a smile to my face that day.  When I started, 5 was a huge number to attain.  Some days it still feels huge.  Other days it's no big deal to list 10 or more.

In any case, I've been doing this for what is now approaching a year, and it's made a difference.  I watch for things in my day that bring smiles.  I find myself making mental notes of simple, lovely things I notice as I traipse around the city on the trains and buses and on foot.  It's made a difference in reminding me to continually choose joy.  It's an ongoing journey.  I'm still not, by nature a hugely positive person.  But my heart is changing and being shaped and formed in this simple little daily discipline, and so I show up here each night and make a list.

And, without further ado, here's today's daily 5:

1. 309 days of making these lists. (I like numbers that end in nine!)
2. burgers for supper with dad from my favorite hamburger place (and on a 2 for 1 deal to boot!)
3. figuring out just the right way to wrap myself in a thick blanket in my basement study space so that I'm actually warm, but the blanket isn't impeding my movement and making the studying more of a pain.
4. getting through the chapter of the anatomy text book that seemed never-ending and moving into one that assured me that this process is going to move faster and be more interesting now that that one highly specific (and incredibly boring) chapter is out of the way.
5. a box of chocolates that was a sweet (literally and figuratively) thank you gift from a friend
6. actually managing to check some stuff off of my personal "to do" list (this week has been a bit consumed with studying, and the rest of my life was getting slightly neglected)
7. feeling good about the fact that I'm managing to really discipline myself to study at length.
8. chocolate
9. amazed at how I'm adapting to and enjoying really challenging my brain again... apparently all those jokes I've made about happily being a career student if there was only money for it are true!
10. interacting with blogging friends, new and old.  I love that I've made and am making some friends via this medium.  I love that I can show up here and share whatever is on my heart, and somebody somewhere stops in to see what I've been up to, and that I can stop in at their spaces and see what's going on in their minds and hearts as well.