A Spinning, Discombobulated Post

If yesterday was the first day of spring, well, it made a poor showing here in Calgary, arriving with blustery dampness, and more snow, leaving me sleepy and rambling as I sat on the bus and pondered the fact that I had nothing planned for my blog for today.

I try to write these morning posts ahead of time, taking a chunk of time out of my weekend and sitting down to construct a string of thoughtful ponderings, book reviews and whatever fun things I encounter.

I'm writing this post at nearly midnight on Monday night, only hours before it will go live.  And it's the only post I've managed to schedule for this week thus far.

I feel a bit at a loss for words.

I have one book review I badly want to write, but I'm still working to form words around the way the words of another author are shaping my heart in this season.  I wish I could take each of you out for tea instead, paging through the book, reading favorite bits to you, trying to expound with facial expression and tone what I can't quite find the words for.

I'm reading another book that I'm quite sure will need a post of it's own as well.  It's about as different from the first as possible, polar opposites, really, though both are memoirs of sorts, written by women.  But this book, too, is working on my heart and mind in interesting ways.

This is a week full of school and people.  On the school front, there is the perpetual need to tackle Greek and Latin vocabulary lessons, a project to prepare, and a term paper to research and write, and the never ending assigned readings to accomplish.  On the people front, there is a lunch with my pastor, house church on Thursday evening (which I'm leading these days, so that will require my time as well), and arranged times to have meals or coffee or visits with at least three good friends who I simply don't manage to see regularly.

Life is moving quickly these days, and my internal world seems to spin as well, leaving me discombobulated, at a loss for words, and regularly turning an incredulous countenance to Jesus with the question, "Did you really say what I think you just said?"

The author Susan Isaacs has a line about conversation with God that goes, "Sarcasm is a viable form of communication."  My relationship with God is definitely marked all too regularly with a sarcastic quotation of one of my favorite Grey's Anatomy lines, "Seriously? Seriously?"

(Though I find myself working these days for a tone less marked with sarcasm and more characterized by a peaceful and trusting acquiescence.)

In the midst of the spinning it seems to be a season where I just don't have as many words to share in a public forum, nor the time I'd like to craft the words I do share.  And so, there will be more of these rambling, discombobulated posts as I devote time to school, to friends, and to my spinning internal world.  But hey, at least they reflect the true state of my life!

Discombobulated

It's a new month, and I find it hard to believe that January has already passed by.

Changes continue as I work to adapt to school, and to other ever changing aspects of my life.

Waiting continues, too.  Waiting to hear about student loans.  Waiting on other fronts as well.

Honestly, the start of 2011 has been hard, and I'm struggling to know how to talk about it here.  For a variety of reasons, this blog, my safe place for the last six years, has been less safe for me the last several months, and I've pulled back, in some ways, from sharing the bits and pieces I'd like to share.  It makes me sad to admit that.  I've made some wonderful online and real life friends because of this little space, and I'm working to sort out a new normal in my approach to what is shared here.

I'm feeling discombobulated, undone.

I'm struggling a bit with discontentment.  It's been a harder month in the ongoing journey to be at peace with my crazy living situation.  Some months seem smooth, others not so much.  It cycles.  And this has been the hard end of the cycle.

It's the same thing with loneliness.  I'm blessed with some very dear friends, some near, most far away.  Most months I can successfully juggle my friendships, leaving myself at peace with the balance of the near and far.  These last few weeks that juggling act has not been so successful, and I find myself longing for in person time with my safe people, scattered across at least three countries and two continents.  (I'm reminding myself that one of my dear friends who is currently farthest away will be visiting at the end of this month, and pushing myself to contact some who are near, in the meantime.)

I'm figuring out the juggling act, too, of content and discontent.  I'm struggling with the realities that are mine.  Struggling hard.  And yet, I've received several emails in the last 24 hours, from friends both near and far, that remind me that in relative terms, my situation could be so much worse.  This is perhaps the most bizarre juggling act of all to me.  This one that holds in one hand the realities of my own that are far less than ideal, and in the other hand the reality that I have oh so much to be thankful for.  I haven't figured it out yet.  I wonder some days if I ever will.  And I'd love to hear some thoughts if you have any to share.

I'm craving simplicity again, and it shows in my daily "to do" lists which include things like cleaning, purging, sorting, repairing, and breathing.  Sorting out the delicate balance of consumption and over-consumption.  I haven't figured this one out yet either, though I'm getting better at it.  (I'm better at it when there is no money coming in, quite honestly.  Figuring it out when there is steady income that more than meets my basic needs will be a whole other thing, I suspect.)

And so, there it is, my discombobulated self, and my discombobulated update.  Leave me a comment telling me what's up in your worlds these days.  I haven't heard from some of you in a while.

Having One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days...

The distracted kind.

The kind where the painful personal stuff on my mind looms far bigger than the stuff (school work, mostly) that I really need to be focusing on.

The kind where you know the personal stuff needs some attention, but you just don't know exactly what kind of attention to give it, or what the next step in giving it attention, and stepping towards healing, is.

The fact that I'm less than engaged with the studying I've been buried in this morning - statistics - isn't helping.

I am not a math person.  Or at least not a "any math that involves more than basic addition or subtraction" kind of person.

And statistics requires formulas.  Lots of them.  I find myself constantly turning pages, knowing I should know what that letter in the formula represents, and that the problem contains the value to fill that letter in.  But I just can't remember what the letter is. 

It's going to be a very good thing that you can bring a double-sided sheet of notes and formulas into the exams for this class.  It's really my only hope.

And so, I'm off to give the personal a little attention.  I'll walk to the mailbox to mail a letter, and pause to just listen and pray.  I want to walk before the threatening thunder shower comes.

And hopefully, if I pause to pray and listen, the personal stuff will feel quieted, and I can focus.

Because I have many hours of studying ahead today.  And then a couple hours of a leadership training course tonight.

And distracted and discombobulated doesn't work well for either of those pursuits.

Discontent

I feel an incredible discontent welling within me today.

And I've fought it, and wrestled with it, wondering if it should be allowed to be.

I don't know who coined the phrase "holy discontent", but it's the closest I can come to describing the deeply unsettled way this day has left me.  Not because there are huge things that have happened, but simply because I feel a shift.  Maybe it's larger than me, I'm not sure.

I'm asking God to reveal what he is teaching.

And for the patience to wait in a space of discomfort for that revelation.

Friday morning...

In no particular order, these are the things coloring my thoughts and day thus far:

• I will be preparing a sympathy card today. A drowning here in Southern Alberta is unfortunately again intimately connected to the company I work for.
• The sound of raindrops hitting my office window is both sad, and oddly comforting after a week in which so many things went on.
• There was snow falling at my house when I left it.
• A little boy I've been praying for has been released from hospital to continue his recovery at home.
• There was an envelope in our mailbox with a lease for prospective tenants in it. This excites me because it means we won't have to endure future showings of our house.
• A reminder from a dear friend that it really is okay to find joy.
• Another odd dream has left me watchful. I'm beginning to suspect transition is upon me yet again.
• As I drove to work this morning, I played some songs from Jacob and Lily's "The Cathedral" album and a preview of recordings to come. Karla's voice singing "Child of the King" flowed over me as I played the song on repeat, sometimes singing along. "Hallelujah, I'm a child of the King..."

My heart is quieter today. Feeling the deeply bittersweet nature of some things around me. Slowly tasting life, in all of it's flavors and strains. I'm still feeling stretched, distracted, discombobulated, but I'm also feeling peaceful.

It's Friday. The weekend is nearly here.

2001 (A Thursday Morning Mish-Mash)

(This is my 2001st blog post! How crazy is that? I've been doing this for quite a while now I guess...)

I'm glad it's Thursday, because that means it's almost the weekend. And this weekend, my house is going to be empty - just me! And that is absolutely one of the most exciting things I can think of right now. I'm so looking forward to the quiet and the space. I love my roommates, but I'm expecting the next month to be a bit wild, and the few days quiet break will be a nice relief before the full-on craziness of moving and final wedding preparations kicks into full gear.

Our landlord is showing our house at 8 tonight. Which means that after work we need to do a bit of tidying. And, that at just before 8, we need to clear out for 20-30 minutes or so. Which, quite frankly is a bit inconvenient, but, I think I'll go get a strawberry lemonade, or an iced passion tea lemonade at Starbucks, and that will redeem the inconvenience. And, hopefully, the people will fall in love with the house, and the landlord will like the people, and this will be the only showing we'll have to endure.

I'm listening to Karla Adolphe's various solo albums, and her Jacob and Lily album again lately. I love Karla's voice, and feel privileged to call her a friend. I also love her lyrics - they seem to speak so deeply to the places in my soul that long to be drawn out.

I'm thinking a lot about the providence of God right now. There'll likely be a blog post on that topic coming soon.

I had a dream about shoes, and wearing shoes that weren't mine and changing shoes, and knowing this would be the last time I'd wear certain shoes last night. It was a rather striking dream.

They're forecasting a mixture of snow and rain for Sunday. Snow. In June. (yes, I've lived here all my life. And yes, I know it can snow in literally any month.) Seriously. It's supposed to be 23 degrees today, and by Sunday we're possibly expecting snow. How gross is that? On the other hand, I can quite nicely blame my dad - everytime he goes to Africa, the weather gets ugly. (Of course, he usually goes in January...)

My heart remains somewhat discombobulated, listening, praying, waiting. The dreams are frequent still. And many I care about are facing challenges this week. So I'm listening and praying and waiting, and feeling just a bit tired and discombobulated in the midst of that.

And now, now I'm off to make toast for breakfast, and kick start what promises to be a very full day.

Here's hoping for beautiful things, new seasons, joy, hope and life to be the things we each encounter today!

Full Day...

This has been a very full day. (And I still have just under an hour left at the office.)

After work, I'm heading home as quickly as possible, as my roommate and I have an appointment to look at a potential place for us to live beginning next month. I would be quite delighted if this one panned out, as it would be a load off my mind. (However, we do tentatively have another appointment later in the week somewhere else, just in case this one doesn't work out.)

I like the full days better than the empty ones when I'm at the office. I'd rather be busy than need to pretend to be busy. Thankfully, these days, the busy days far outnumber the slow ones.

All of the things I mentioned this morning remain heavily on my mind, and I've demonstrated my discombobulated nature rather broadly today by doing things like sending an email referring to a specific attachment, and forgetting to include the attachment.

So, I continue to pray, and to work to reign in my scattered mental processes. To wait and pray and hope and think and love. Not such a bad place to be occupying I suppose.

Discombobulated Prayers

I'm rather discombobulated this morning.

It's been a very odd couple of days, and this morning, in the midst of my distraction and discombobulation, my heart is being driven to prayer.

Today I'm praying for:

• a family on the other side of the world who are facing some unique challenges at the moment, and grieving the loss of a friend
• a family here in the city, whose youngest son is facing some significant health challenges again
• a very dear friend who is facing some rather sudden and serious health challenges this week
• peace to come in the midst of many unsettled situations
• joy and rest and healing
• friends preparing to travel
• and others who are crying out for Jesus to meet with them and bring clear next steps
• the coming of the kingdom in a myriad of large and small ways
• the eyes to recognized the coming of the kingdom
• my parents as they seek to encourage, minister, and strengthen and re-establish relationships with those they love in West Africa
• simple provisions
• eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that understands
• (and a mind that is willing to allow for eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that understands)
• so many to know the deep love of Christ
• an ability to accept that deep love deeply within myself

It's been a distracted several days. I forgot to bring vitamins with me this morning (and will have to take all of them at supper instead), and breakfast too (though thankfully I keep food in my desk for just such a discombobulated day.) I sliced open my left ring finger while cooking dinner last night (thankfully not too seriously). My heart feels scattered, and is waiting for news on so many fronts, and yet, it is bursting into prayer.

Thoughts On Waking

Have I mentioned that discombobulated is one of my favorite words these days? It has that onomatopoeiac (I have to confess that I had to look up the spelling of onomatopoeia) quality that perfectly describes the way I'm feeling a lot of the time.

I fell asleep after praying about some issues with my family. Not a long intense prayer, just a one line "please continue healing" in the midst of some other journalled thoughts and prayers.

I woke from a vivid dream about another familial relationship, thinking, "oh, apparently there's healing needed there as well."

I slept off and on through the night. Not waking as many times as usual, or sleeping as much as I'd have liked.

This is one of those bleary eyed mornings. The alarm went, and I found myself more deeply drifting towards sleep than I was when I'd last woken nearly an hour before.

I stumbled through a morning routine, deciding not to cut a slice of a delicious pan of squares I baked last weekend. Now that I'm sitting in my office, I want nothing so much as that square for breakfast. Toast with peanut butter is just not going to satisfy in the same way.

I think I drove on auto pilot. I know this because I ended up in a lane I never take, forcing me to merge. I never take this lane because I hate merging. Merging requires me to use my left eye. I don't see well with my left eye, and I find merging a precarious prospect, requiring me to turn my head to see the lane I'm merging into, and thus not entirely be watching the lane in which I'm currently driving. But this morning, I was distracted by the audio book I was listening to, and by my own sleepy, discobobulated thoughts, and I ended up in the merge lane. I ended up thinking with great surprise "I never take this lane!"

I woke this morning, too, to discover that a book order I placed yesterday morning has been shipped. In full. No piece-meal shipping this time. Sometime in the next week or so I will take possession of four new books.

And with that, it's Thursday. I'm still bleary eyed and discombobulated. But I like Thursdays as a general rule. And this is one that is definitely going to require a cup of tea. And breakfast. So I'm off to the office kitchen to meet these needs of mine.

Discombobulated Catharsis

I'm feeling a bit like my brain has taken leave of my body today. Discombobulated and scattered.

I was complaining about this fact to my roommate as I drove her to the train this morning, and she tried to encourage me by reminding me that if I can make it to Friday, this is a long weekend, and next week is a short work week. She laughed when I told her that work was the one thing I am consistently finding semi-enjoyable in life right now! Which should tell those of you who've been privy to some of the back story of my office politics and tensions for the last year just how much things have improved with the departure of a certain challenging coworker, and my assuming a new position and responsibilities at the office.

My body aches today. I've slept uncomfortably, tossing and turning for several straight nights, and my body is sore today from that. I also made the decision as my body heat fluctuated throughout the night last night that it is perhaps time to change the sheets on my bed from the flannel fall and winter ones to the soft cotton spring and summer set. So tonight, after work, and some errands, I'll go home and do that. Maybe it'll inspire a more restful sleep?

I spoke for a few hours on the phone with a dear friend last night. We ended up talking about some things I'd had no desire or plan to delve into. I'd had a rough few days and talking about those things was the last thing I really wanted to do. I was feeling sick of myself, and sick of feeling miserable, and exploring that was certainly not on my agenda. I wanted to hear about an upcoming trip she's making, and spend some time praying for her as she prepares to go. We talked about that, and prayed, true, but I wasn't prepared for the directions the rest of our conversation took. And I cried through much of it.

Which is probably partly why I'm feeling scattered and discombobulated this morning.

And yet, in some ways it was deeply cathartic too. She is one of the few people in my life who routinely invites tears. They seem to simply spill over when we talk or email, or spend time together in person. And perhaps, as my roommate (who'd seen the tears threatening on Sunday evening as we caught up on our weekends) was right in pointing out that I maybe needed to cry.

But I needed the sort of truth she spoke. The "pep talk" of sorts.

Because I've (to borrow a phrase my dad used back in his marathon running days) "hit the wall" with some of the changes I've been trying to implement in my life. The decisions designed to increase health and well-being. The initial drive to make them is gone, and the hard slogging has officially begun.

So I needed to hear her challenge to keep pushing towards those things. But also the grace and encouragment she offered.

So, today I'm existing in a state of discombobulate catharsis. And maybe that's okay too.