Alberta Weather

I chuckled when I came across this image the other day, and had to share, since it's definitely a rather accurate depiction of weather here in Alberta (except we might get even less summer than that!  I was just talking to my dad about a favorite hiking spot the other day, and we decided it wouldn't even be worth trying to get there until mid-July, because snow melt is at least two weeks behind this year, and the altitude there is so high that it won't likely even be accessible before then.)

Source: bippityboppityboo.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Tired and Achy

Yesterday was a challenging day.

And last night was pretty rough.

I pretty much feel like crying.

The injuries from my car accidents that get exacerbated when I'm exhausted and emotionally drained are all sore.

And there is snow.  Everywhere.  In quantities that just won't stop.

So, I'm just going to do my best to put one foot in front of the other today.  Paste on a smile and fake it til I make it real, I think.

I can do this.  Once minute, one breath at a time.

Indoor Plans for a Grey Day

40 minutes ago I relocated from bed to the armchair in mom and dad's living room.

An hour before that, I said goodbye to mom and dad and settled in to enjoy a week of time alone, and away from Grandma's house.

I'm sitting here, in the recliner, watching an old episode of M*A*S*H* that happened to be on television, while I catch up on some emails and blog reading.

A bit later I need to fill out some forms for my appointment at the American consulate tomorrow morning.

I've got a mug of pomegranate green tea, and just finished eating a pumpkin muffin.

In a couple of hours, a friend is picking me up here, and we're going out for lunch.

It's a grey day again, snow threatening to fall, and some sitting on the ground.

I plan to spend it curled up indoors.

A book I've been expecting arrived, and I'm planning to settle in with it.

I started a novel yesterday.

And I have a chapter of the book my house church is reading together to conquer.

I came down with a sore throat yesterday, and a stuffy head feeling that tells me I'm once again battling a cold.

Curled up with a book or books and tea and blankets seems the best way to conquer this day.

Barring lunch with my friend, of course.

Days like this, where grey can be ignored, or muted with books and tea and long, hot baths are the sort I like.  If it's going to be grey, I like it when there are comforting indoor options.

Tis Monday

Monday.

Snowing.

I woke up every 2 hours last night.

The weekend wasn't particularly restful, but I did manage to cram in some down time, thankfully.

Even if it wasn't restful, it was full of joy and celebrating with T and L.

I'm going to be a sister-in-law!  How cool is that?

I'm still staring at my mostly empty calendar for the coming week and rejoicing in it.

I have a myriad of little tasks to be done at home that have been waiting for my attention.

And I have a need for rest that is also needing some attention.

It'll be a full day today at work. 

End of the month payroll is due, and that's the payroll that takes the most time.

So, I'll work, I'll drive home, I'll do yoga and make dinner, and then I'll settle down to the list for the evening, which includes some restful reflective things, and some "just need to power through it" items.

Choosing Thanks

I'm very tired this morning.

Sleep was a bit fleeting again.  It has been most of this week.

And it's been a busy week, and it's going to be busier as I hit the weekend.

It's snowing again, but I drove to work anyway.  I simply couldn't face the added coordination of myself that it would take to get myself and my roommate (with no warning) to the train.  I'm hoping it sticks to the "light snow" that's forecasted, and that trying to get home tonight isn't a disaster.  I need to get home for a while in between work and plans to spend the evening with family.  If I don't make it home, I won't have bedding tonight, and I'll be moving four tires out of my trunk in the quest to find the sleeping bag that's buried somewhere in the back.  I put all of my sheets in the washer this morning, and if I don't get home, they won't make it to the dryer.  I'd definitely prefer to not have to go through the rummaging through my trunk to find a sleeping bag scenario.

I'm choosing thankfulness this morning.

I mentioned in last night's daily 5 post that driving home from house church after a long conversation with a new friend about the challenges I've dealt with for the last two years, that I was thinking about something she'd shared a few months back.  She'd talked about the process of being refined, and it struck me deeply.  Driving home last night it hit me in a fresh way that despite some of the rather hellish relational and health struggles that I've had for the last two years, I don't think I'd trade away those things if I also lost the changes within me.  It has been a fight that at times I wasn't sure I'd survive.  But I am surviving.  And I realized in a fresh way last night that I am emerging from this into new places, and that I like the person that I've become and am becoming.  I really like her.  And for me, that's huge, and hope giving and life giving.  To really like this person God is shaping me into.

So this morning, despite really cranky people in the office, and my own exhaustion, I'm choosing to be thankful  Thankful for the friend who listened to my story.  Thankful for her words a month or so back about being refined.  Thankful for the changes I'm sensing in myself, and the hope that they're giving.  And maybe even thankful for all of the really painful things (not quite sure I'm there yet), because they have been the things that have formed and birthed these changes within me.

Congested with a Chance of Snow

I suppose it was inevitable.  At work, everyone was sick.  At Christmas, at least three or four relatives had ugly head colds, including two immediate family members.  And now, I seem to have caught it as well.

Thankfully, at the moment, it seems to be restraining itself to the mild annoyance sort of head cold, and I'm praying that it will limit itself to this, and not feel the need to really go for broke and make me feel sick and miserable for my last several days off.  To that end I've beefed up my already extensive vitamin routine, and, like I said, I'm hoping and praying for the best.

In other news, it's snowing.  Because the feet of the white stuff we've already had this winter wasn't enough.  Should make doing errands for a large portion of this day good fun.

My paycheque (after a bit of worrying and trepidation) actually made it via direct deposit into my new bank account overnight.  Which means that today I can do things I've been putting off, to make sure there remained enough money in my bank account to cover rent, just in case.  Things like buying a few groceries, getting a few supplies for maintaining George, and other super exciting moments.  Groceries, recycling, an auto parts shop, the bottle depot - all of these are definitely favorite locations of mine.

Oh, and the bank.  I have a meeting at the bank today, to inquire about loans or lines of credit.  Because, you see, after returning a few years back from my trip to Malta, I sort of relied on my credit cards to live for a while, until paycheques started coming regularly again.  And the credit card debt sort of spooled from there a bit, and now I'm paying huge interest as I budget and try to pay that debt off.  So I have a meeting at the bank today to see if I can get a line of credit or a loan, to reduce the interest percentage I'm paying, and hopefully get out of debt quite a bit faster.  Sweet.  Here's hoping it's someone personable that I meet with, and not someone who treats me a little bit like a fool for having credit debt in the first place, or for not being some incredibly financially savvy individual.  Because I've met a few of those types of people as I've been navigating some of these banking changes, and there's nothing quite as frustrating as being demeaned by a person you're sort of dependent on for service.

And after all those things, I'll be home again, tackling more items on the list for the week, and updating my budget.  I think I may have been a bit overzealous in my list making, so I'm trying to pick out the things that I really think are priorities.  The rest can be relegated to evenings and weekends in the coming month.  Especially since some of them are just things that I want to accomplish before the quite likely reality of moving again at the end of February.  Things like going through clothing and belongings and paring down a bit again.  And sorting through some grocery and snack food items that have sort of collected, so that they can be eaten before more are purchased.

And with that, I'm going to venture up and out and start doing things like online banking, and errands.  Or maybe I'll just start by crawling out of bed, where I've been sitting and eating my breakfast while writing this post.  Clothes instead of pajamas would be good - they'll probably help my chances of not being treated demeaningly at the bank later.  And brushing my hair, that'll also probably help.  And then I'll start doing things like online banking and budget updates and errands.

Snowy Morning

It's nearly ten am, and I am sitting cross-legged beneath the blankets of my bed, with another thick blanket wrapped around my shoulders. It's cold out there, and the snow is still falling and still drifting.

I made it out of bed long enough to find some breakfast. Necessary so that I could take all of the supplements that are contributing to my return to being a stable human being rather than a frail person with no energy.

I think I'll mostly be staying in today, though I may venture to the mall briefly, and to the grocery store.

Baking, maybe a few creative projects. Some cleaning, time reading and thinking and praying and maybe even writing. Those are the things on the plan for today. Those and things like budgeting, painting my nails (fingers & toes), and perhaps some general organizing.

The wind is absolutely howling around our building, and the winter storm warning remains in effect. Like I said, I don't think I'll be venturing very far.

And yet, on days like this, I feel almost trapped and lonely. I wish for a friend who is stuck inside with me, or just for the ability to drive somewhere by myself for a bit, without having terrible panic at the state of the roads. Days like this make me wonder what I'm going to do with myself over the ten days I have off from work at Christmas. Ten days where my roommate will be out of town and I'll be rattling around the house alone.

I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll figure today out.

One day at a time. That's pretty much what I can manage these days.

Friday

There's a severe winter storm warning in effect and a glance out my window is rapidly explaining why.

To add to the fun, this afternoon we have a staff Christmas "party" that most of the staff don't particularly want to attend. A "party" that is probably 25 km out of town. Perfect. (At least I've wrangled a ride to and from the office to the party - a coworker will drive me to the party and drop me back at the office and my car.)

And then I get to face the afternoon commute in the bad weather, with the added pressure of knowing that I have an appointment that I absolutely must be at, at the opposite end of the city from our office, by 5:30.

Here's hoping the city crews do a decent job on the roads today, and start now, not three hours from now when they're already a disaster.

Snowing

It's snowing, and has been for several hours.

The roads that I can see from my office window don't look too bad, and we thankfully didn't have rain or wet snow first, to coat the roads with ice the way they were on Friday.

Who knows how long it'll take me to get home today. Or more accurately, to my parent's house, since I need to return their vehicle and then get a ride to go and pick up George from the mechanic.

I'm leaving the office a bit early, so hopefully that will help.

Sleep, panic, and into the week...

Last week was really hard. The weekend was also hard. This week is not looking much better, though there are thankfully quite a few less plans for my evenings this week, meaning it is likely that I will be able to at least hibernate through the evenings to catch up on my mental and emotional drain.

I fell asleep last night amidst tearful whispered prayers. "Jesus I just can't stand in that gap, I can't pray tonight, I can't be that intercessor tonight. I will, you know I will, but can I please just have one night off? One night of sleep without dreaming or hours of waking to pray in ways I don't quite understand?"

I'm thankful that I was, in fact, able to sleep for several hours without dreaming or the intensity of prayer. I would have been okay if it hadn't happened, but I was oh so thankful it did.

The forecast for tonight is similar to Friday night's havoc creating weather. I read that and panic rose within me. I'm still shaky from Friday evening, and I am hoping that tonight will be nothing at all like that. I am still pushing away the panic, reminding myself that I am shielded and protected, and, more practically, that we won't know what the weather will be like until the time to drive home comes at the end of the day, and what will I gain by worrying? Panic is not a particularly practical thing, nor does it respond well to the practical, but I am fighting it with every tool at my disposal today, and the practical is one of them.

And so another week begins. Another week of choosing differently. Of fighting to be joyful. Of choosing life. And it is not at all easy, but perhaps it will grow easier with time, as patterns change and habits shift. And in the meantime, I'll somehow summon the energy to continue to fight for it. To fight for me.

An Icy Drive

I had a pretty rough night, full of bad dreams.

Mostly dreams having to do with icy roads and sliding vehicles and terrible accidents.

At least I don't have to wonder why those were muddled around in my subconsious. The five hours I spent in a vehicle last night watching sliding vehicles, near misses, and a few accidents quite nicely explains that.

I will not be driving anywhere today unless it is absolutely necessary.

We had freezing rain yesterday that coated the roads, and then froze, turning roads into skating rinks, making hills impassable, and generally creating traffic chaos.

I've never liked driving to begin with. I do it because, well, it's convenient, and Calgary's public transit system is so very not.

I got my "learner's license" at 16. (Two years later than you're first legally allowed to obtain it.) I only finally got a full fledged license days before my twenty first birthday, motivated simply by the fact that the learners was going to expire and I didn't want to pay to renew it, and then pay again a short time later for a new license.

My new license was what Alberta calls a "graduated" license. I held that for a full five years, until this past summer, just days before my 26th birthday, where I scheduled a second road test to get rid of the conditions. Again, the motivation was simply that my license was going to expire, and I figured it was as good a time as any to take the test, rather than paying to renew a license and then paying several months later to upgrade it.

Winter driving is definitely my least favorite, and often leaves me shaky. Though I've seen terrible roads, I've not, in the years I've been driving, seen roads as icy as they were last night.

It doesn't help that my first accident ever happened because of winter road conditions. Or, that, months later, when I was finally able to get behind the wheel without feeling a surge of panic, I was driving home from a friend's rural home, hit some black ice at a notorious location on a major highway, and did a 360 degree spin in my rental car, starting in the right lane of traffic, and ending just barely on the road on the left shoulder. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn't hit by oncoming traffic. I drove for two more hours to get home that night, through terrible conditions. And then, last winter, after another heavy snowfall, I again hit some black ice on a major city road, and slid quite nicely into a guard rail, banging up the front end of my car, but again, thankfully, not getting hurt, or hitting any other vehicles.

So five hours (even if I was only the driver for two) on severely icy roads last night wasn't that helpful.

We've had a mild winter so far, and budgetary concerns have meant that I delayed having my winter tires put on. They're going on on Monday (only two days from now!), along with a few other repairs I've been waiting to have done. So I was driving on old, slightly bald summer tires on the iciest road conditions I've ever seen for two hours last night.

And, since Calgary doesn't salt, plow, or sand residential roads, and I live at the top of a hill, I won't be going anywhere by car until we have a bit of a thaw (predicted for tomorrow). My dad managed to get my car from the spot I'd temporarily abandoned it last night, to a safe parking spot in front of my house, and it is going to stay there until the roads thaw. I'll take transit to the one or two places it is absolutely necessary for me to go today. Because anything is better than getting behind the wheel again on those roads. I relived them all through the night, I have no desire to relive them in my waking reality today.

Mish Mash of Afternoon Thoughts

I'm hoping to write some thoughts a bit later on the topic of depth perception. It's one I've been mulling over, playing with the words in my head today.

In the meantime, it's snowing. What happened to autumn? I'm definitely not ready for winter to have arrived just yet. I don't think it's cold enough for the snow to stick around, but it makes me a bit cranky anyways!

I am however wearing a very soft and lovely brown scarf today. It was a recent purchase, and I'm glad I bought this one. So that compensates just a tiny little bit for the snow. But only a tiny bit!

And with that, I still have oh so many work projects to start or finish or get under control or pass off to the appropriate person or persons before I leave on Friday at noon. And Friday at noon is getting closer all the time!

Last night I made the last booking for our trip. A night's accomodation at a motel in Niagara Falls. We got a fantastic deal - basically hostel prices, but so much nicer than staying in a hostel. (I stayed in a hostel when I attended the wedding in Kelowna in August, and it's not an experience I'm in any hurry to repeat!)

I'm thinking about tackling some longer scripture memorization challenges in the coming days. Maybe full chapters or even a short book. I'm increasingly convinced of the value of memorization, and I'd like to do more of it. I haven't really done it in any sort of serious way since I was a child, but it is those verses and passages that I find myself running through, over and over, in the hard moments, when I just need to rest into the truths of God's word instead of the overwhelming circumstances around me.

So, I'm looking for suggestions - favorite longer passages, or a book you'd recommend? I was thinking of maybe using some of the airplane time on my trip to get started, so I'd love if you'd leave some suggestions!

D-Day, Snow, and other early morning thoughts

Today is the 65th anniversary of D-Day. Take just a moment to stop and remember the sacrifice of those soldiers all those years ago. And just a moment to be thankful.

It's snowing. Actual white stuff accumulating on the grass. Thankfully not accumulating very much, but still, it's snowing. I blame my dad. When he goes to Africa, we unfailingly get snow. (It's true that he usually goes in January, when snow is a bit more expected, but still...)

Two days ago, it was 74 degrees (F) in our house, and we had the furnace basically turned off. Today, the furnace is running once every hour or two to maintain a temperature of 70 degrees.

I slept oddly last night. There was a decision resting rather heavily on my mind, and I woke at different points with totally different opinions on which way it would go. At the moment I'm feeling quite peaceful about the direction I think it's going to go.

I finished a fantastic book last night. Sometime this weekend I'll be writing a review of sorts on it and sharing it here.

I'm still loving M*A*S*H*. I'm almost through season 5. (I own all 11 seasons on DVD.) I often play it in the background as I'm cleaning, or cooking, or sometimes just as I'm puttering around on the internet.

I just looked to see if there were any good kids cartoons on this morning. Didn't the deal used to be that cartoons started nice and early on Saturday morning, to keep you busy and quiet until mom and dad were ready to get up and start the day? Almost no channels have kids shows this morning, and the ones that do have titles like "Raspberry Jazzberry Jam". The Care Bears are on at 9:30. Maybe I'll watch them, just for old times sake. We used to watch The Care Bears at around noon every day when we were home schooled. The Care Bears, and Inspector Gadget. Those were quality entertainment.

And with that, I'm either going to go find a book to read, or take a nice long shower and start getting ready for the day. I've got some fun plans, as long as my decision making skills don't flip-flop yet again!

More later...

Friday morning...

In no particular order, these are the things coloring my thoughts and day thus far:

• I will be preparing a sympathy card today. A drowning here in Southern Alberta is unfortunately again intimately connected to the company I work for.
• The sound of raindrops hitting my office window is both sad, and oddly comforting after a week in which so many things went on.
• There was snow falling at my house when I left it.
• A little boy I've been praying for has been released from hospital to continue his recovery at home.
• There was an envelope in our mailbox with a lease for prospective tenants in it. This excites me because it means we won't have to endure future showings of our house.
• A reminder from a dear friend that it really is okay to find joy.
• Another odd dream has left me watchful. I'm beginning to suspect transition is upon me yet again.
• As I drove to work this morning, I played some songs from Jacob and Lily's "The Cathedral" album and a preview of recordings to come. Karla's voice singing "Child of the King" flowed over me as I played the song on repeat, sometimes singing along. "Hallelujah, I'm a child of the King..."

My heart is quieter today. Feeling the deeply bittersweet nature of some things around me. Slowly tasting life, in all of it's flavors and strains. I'm still feeling stretched, distracted, discombobulated, but I'm also feeling peaceful.

It's Friday. The weekend is nearly here.

2001 (A Thursday Morning Mish-Mash)

(This is my 2001st blog post! How crazy is that? I've been doing this for quite a while now I guess...)

I'm glad it's Thursday, because that means it's almost the weekend. And this weekend, my house is going to be empty - just me! And that is absolutely one of the most exciting things I can think of right now. I'm so looking forward to the quiet and the space. I love my roommates, but I'm expecting the next month to be a bit wild, and the few days quiet break will be a nice relief before the full-on craziness of moving and final wedding preparations kicks into full gear.

Our landlord is showing our house at 8 tonight. Which means that after work we need to do a bit of tidying. And, that at just before 8, we need to clear out for 20-30 minutes or so. Which, quite frankly is a bit inconvenient, but, I think I'll go get a strawberry lemonade, or an iced passion tea lemonade at Starbucks, and that will redeem the inconvenience. And, hopefully, the people will fall in love with the house, and the landlord will like the people, and this will be the only showing we'll have to endure.

I'm listening to Karla Adolphe's various solo albums, and her Jacob and Lily album again lately. I love Karla's voice, and feel privileged to call her a friend. I also love her lyrics - they seem to speak so deeply to the places in my soul that long to be drawn out.

I'm thinking a lot about the providence of God right now. There'll likely be a blog post on that topic coming soon.

I had a dream about shoes, and wearing shoes that weren't mine and changing shoes, and knowing this would be the last time I'd wear certain shoes last night. It was a rather striking dream.

They're forecasting a mixture of snow and rain for Sunday. Snow. In June. (yes, I've lived here all my life. And yes, I know it can snow in literally any month.) Seriously. It's supposed to be 23 degrees today, and by Sunday we're possibly expecting snow. How gross is that? On the other hand, I can quite nicely blame my dad - everytime he goes to Africa, the weather gets ugly. (Of course, he usually goes in January...)

My heart remains somewhat discombobulated, listening, praying, waiting. The dreams are frequent still. And many I care about are facing challenges this week. So I'm listening and praying and waiting, and feeling just a bit tired and discombobulated in the midst of that.

And now, now I'm off to make toast for breakfast, and kick start what promises to be a very full day.

Here's hoping for beautiful things, new seasons, joy, hope and life to be the things we each encounter today!

Snowfall Warning

So, we have a snowfall warning in effect again. They're saying we're going to get at least 10cm of snow overnight again. That definitely means that I will be at home, doing little or nothing tomorrow.

One crashing incident involving snow (thankfully involving me this time, instead of my car) in a weekend is enough.

I'm beginning to wonder if winter is ever going to end.

Unless a grain of wheat...

I took this photo in my favorite park this morning. I've been taking a lot of photos of grass and wheat like plants lately. The phrase "unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies..." has been running through my head with a great deal of frequency recently.

I've been dreading the coming of winter in many ways this year. More than just the usual ways. I've dreaded more than the colder weather, or the snow. I've dreaded the season of death, and dormancy. Of cold and waiting and wondering and watching.

Last winter was long, and very marked by pain, and, as this winter has drawn nearer, I've found myself fighting against it, wondering whether or not I would be able to survive such a season again.

"unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies..." Over and over, on repeat in my head. Grass and wheat capturing my attention each time I venture to the park with my camera.

I long for my life to be one marked by growth, by newness, by the things of spring. I long for it to be fruitful.

"unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit."

May my life be one that is fruitful, even if the coming of fruit must first be marked with death.

First Snow

This is what the park looked like this morning.