Merry Christmas!

I spent yesterday cooking, wrapping, and generally preparing for last night and today, before slipping off to have an hour or so of quiet before the onslaught of festivities began.

We're doing some things differently this year - changes necessitated by jobs, and in-laws and extended family.

We're not even having turkey (not really going to miss it, especially since my cousin, a trained chef, is going to make pork roast and leg of lamb instead!)

It's funny how sometimes you don't know that something will be a last.  On the other hand, when there is an ending to something traditional, then there is also the beginning of something new.

I'm praying that all of you will encounter many lovely old things, and many lovely new ones as well this season.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Stuff Worth Reading

I came across a couple of blog posts in the past few days that really spoke to me, and wanted to share them both with you.

Gitz wrote here about control, and being open to change.  It was a thought I needed to ponder again, as I'm in a space in the midst of a great number of hard changes.  I was also challenged by her comments about struggling with food and body image, since I've fought (and at times continue to fight) my own battles with food.

Over at JennyRain, she's talking about controlling healing.  This was a post I flagged in google reader and went back to several times over.  It's a topic I've been thinking a lot about the last few weeks.  My one word for the year is Heal, and that process hasn't turned out to look anything like what I thought it might.  It's been slower, messier, harder, and full of things I never thought I'd say or wrestle with.  And I've been struck again and again by how it's a process in God's hands, not mine.  A process that I can't control.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on these posts.  Or, if you've read something fabulous lately, leave a link for me in the comments.  I'd love to check it out!

The Lesson of the Present Moment

I read this post that Sarah Markley wrote today.

This line hit hard:

I’m stupid if I tell God to USE ME but don’t CHANGE ME.


uh. yeah.

After a year of deconstruction - the car, the job, the roommates, the fall and injury and then reinjury, the complete change of life direction, the crazy living situation, the not getting into the program in January, the deep wounds that are oh so slowly surfacing and being healed, the very unexpected decisions - after that year, I'm STILL wrestling with God.

Still saying, "use me, but please don't make me change."

You'd think I'd be getting better at this by now.


I'm becoming very aware, these last few weeks particularly, of that tendency to get really ticked off and uncomfortable when MY plan doesn't seem to mesh with where HE's calling.

Basic surrender and trust.


I'm still learning it, and I was reminded that this, surrender and trust, is the lesson of the present moment when I read Sarah's post this morning.

Change?

I laughed when this Garfield cartoon arrived in my inbox last week:

My sentiments exactly.

(Though, actually, it turns out that I'm getting much better at accepting change somewhat gracefully, instead of hating it and being forced, kicking and screaming, into it.)

Reverb 10: Day 11 - 11 Things I Can Live Without

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 11 – 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

(Author: Sam Davidson)

I feel like this prompt requires me to mentally change directions in a way the others thus far have not.  Suddenly I'm thinking about 2011, instead of looking back at 2010.  I'm not sure I'm ready to set aside the processing of this year yet, even for only one evening, but, on the other hand, looking forwards and anticipating new things is probably important too.  I'm not sure I'll make it to 11 things that I can live without, quite honestly, but I'll give it a shot.

1. Fear.  I actually think this could be items one through six or seven at least, since fear has been and continues at times to be an all encompassing and paralyzing force in my life.  However, I'm recognizing that I'm making decisions differently these days.  That I'm more able to recognize the voice of fear, and choose to ignore it's warbling, disconcerting advice.  That that is carrying with it an ability to sit more comfortably in my own skin.  To continue journeying to a place of living without fear, will take decision after decision.  It will take building a history of listening to God and the wisdom of those I trust most.  It will take the continued growth of my ability to trust myself.  And it will take a willingness to risk, even if I may fail, or be hurt.
2. A transient lifestyle.  Packing up every weekend to escape the craziness of Grandma's world is a temporary solution that has been immensely helpful, but I'll be more than happy to see it go.  Showering in a different house than the one I sleep in most nights of the week seems a bit wild.  Eating in a whole variety of spots, and buying groceries to accommodate simple, unrefrigerated snack meals needs to go.  The solution to this will hopefully come once a few final details play out in the coming several weeks.  Once schooling issues are solved, employment issues can also be resolved.  And once employment issues are resolved, budgeting can happen in earnest and apartment hunting that suits my needs and that budget can commence.  
3. Over-consumption.  I am continually challenged these days by the idea of simplicity.  By the idea that the clothes I wear only once or twice a year don't need to be in my closet.  By the idea that excess tends to add complications, not happiness.  By the idea of not wanting to waste.  And by how completely inconsistent I am at sticking to all of these principles that are growing within me.  I want to buy groceries once a week, or once every few days, and only buy what I'll be able to eat.  I want to do a better job of purging and simplifying.  I want to recycle even more consistently.  I want to only spend money on things or experiences that I'll really love, that will add value to my life.  And I want to consider things like whether or not my food is organic, and where my clothes and other purchases are made.  Who and what do they benefit? Who and what do they harm?
4. Self-Doubt.  No more believing that I am worthless and unloved or unloveable.  Yes, it's a lesson that began in earnest this year, but it's one that needs to carry on into 2011, and really, every year that follows.
5. People Pleasing.  No more doing things in an attempt to garner affection and love from others.  It's not worth it.  It's a habit well ingrained from years of being a pastor's kid, and it's one that can go. 
6. Bad haircuts.  This list needed some levity, don't you think?  In all seriousness, though, I have a great hair stylist, who I love, and who always makes my hair look fabulous, but I've "cheated" on her this year with a few other stylists, hoping to find someone equally fabulous at a lower price.  Didn't work.  2011 can hold some penny pinching and trips to the stylist who does the best!
7. Things that Cause a Loss of Independence.  2010 saw the loss of a car, an apartment, and a job.  Not sure I can control this one, but it would sure be nice if 2011 let me live a little more freely!
8. Bad dental hygiene.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not disgusting or anything, but I have really sensitive teeth, and because of that I definitely do the minimum necessary to protect them.  Flossing hurts, and brushing my teeth is something I've hated ever since I was a kid.  Peer pressure as an adult, and concern for appearances definitely keeps me on the straight and narrow when it comes to carrying for my pearly whites, but I could and should do more.
9. Talking myself into something I know I hate.  The only exception to this is when it's the only chance I'm going to get to be with someone I love - then a little self-sacrifice is the name of the game.  That or when it really will mean a lot to someone I care about - again, a little self-sacrifice never hurt anyone, and I'm always thankful when others do the same for me.  But, I'm taking a lesson from reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project this year, and giving myself permission to not enjoy certain things, and not force myself to do them just because others around me love them.
10. Getting really stressed out over things I can't control.  Sounds pretty self explanatory, no?  I'm actually getting better at this.  That is one of the benefits of the whole year of crazy that 2010 has thrown my way.  I'm recovering from the big "bumps in the road" that are beyond my control quite a bit more quickly these days, and I hope that those coping skills continue to grow and go with me into the rest of my life.
11. Crazy drama that I can't control.  Next year I plan to be fully in control of any and all drama that happens in my life!  No, actually, this isn't really one that I can do a whole lot about, but it is a wish for 2011, following 2010, that comes with much bemused chuckling and a grateful heart.  I've learned a lot from all the drama and curve balls and bends in the road in 2010, and they've hugely shaped me, but if the drama slowed down a bit, or came to a halt for a while, I'd be oh so grateful for that too!

Well, look at that, I made it all the way to eleven!  And, actually, I had a great deal of fun sitting here and pondering what things are the ones that are important to me.  What are the things I'd like to change or do differently, or continue to see differently as a new year rolls around?

As a general rule in life, I've always hated journaling prompts.  Always hated them.  But I have to say that I'm loving the exercise of working through these reverb 10 prompts this year.  It's a fabulous way to really stop and take stock as they new year begins.  I'm so glad I stumbled across them and decided on a whim to sign up!

Relieved

I'm still in bed.  And it's not because I'm sick.

For the first time in ten weeks, this morning I have no studying waiting for me.

And the relief is sweet.

This summer has been challenging as I studied, and began to deal with all kinds of personal stuff from my past that was also surfacing.

I wrote my last exam yesterday. and I'm spending this morning in bed.  Resting.  Thinking.  Praying.

Even my subconscious felt the relief, and even my dreams shifted gears this morning before I woke.  Towards all the personal stuff, now that the burden of studying has been removed.

And so, the journey continues.  And I'm committed to it.

But this morning I'm enjoying the relief of being done, and the feeling of shifting direction again.

The Stuff of Butterflies

I came across this quote tonight, on a perpetual flip calendar of quotes that I've had for ages, but only pulled out of a box recently, and rarely remember to actually flip.

"If I have inside me the stuff to make a cocoon, maybe the stuff of butterflies is there, too."  (Trina Paulus)

I know I have the stuff of cocooning inside me, especially these days as I find myself again wandering through some particularly challenging family and life circumstances.  It was some-how hopeful to me tonight to remember that from a cocoon emerges a transformed being, a butterfly, and to pause and consider that maybe even in this crazy stuff of life, there is a transforming power at work, and beauty waiting to emerge.

At Rest

At some point in the coming days, I want to write a bit about the process of this move, how it was that I've decided to live in my Grandma's basement at nearly 27 years of age.  I want to talk about the very unique challenges that this move is creating in me.

But for tonight, I'm trying to rest.  I have to go out one more time, a bit later, to pick up my grandma's truck so that it's at my house and ready to be loaded when the people who are helping me move arrive in the morning.

About half way through the morning today I realize that I was pretty much useless at the office thanks to my distraction and fairly high stress level.  After a quick chat with my boss I'd gained permission to take a half a personal day on incredibly short notice.  That meant that the load of stuff I was supposed to move tonight was moved this afternoon, and then I was able to come home, move quickly through the vast majority of what remained for packing tasks, do a few little cleaning things, and now I can rest.

I don't think I can quite express how grateful I am right now for my boss' flexibility this morning.  It's an invaluable thing to me to be able to rest and sit quietly for a bit tonight, reflecting a little, praying a little, and just breathing. 

If you've been around this blog through the last three moves, you know that my struggle with panic tends to greatly intensify in times of massive change - and particular when I'm moving.  I've been so grateful to see a degree of healing in that this time.  Yes, the panic is still lurking close by, but thanks to the help fo friends and family, I think tomorrow will actually be a fairly quick, one, maybe two load process, followed by some cleaning.  My thoughts aren't in overdrive right now (though I am conciously stopping myself from moving, and forcing myself to take advantage of the opportunity to rest.).  The very lack of thought overdrive is a total blessing, and an answer to prayer.

So, for the moment I'm resting, and thankful.

The In-Between

I woke this morning from unsettling dreams again.

I can't pinpoint why this particular set has left me unsettled.  I can't even remember most of the images or plot-lines, though the few I recall are more ridiculous than anything else.

But I'm unsettled.

I woke, too, to the thought that I'm now officially tired of transition.

Of this in-between place.

I just want to be moved.

If this move is so clearly what God has next for me, then let's get on with it already.

Wouldn't it be nice if life worked like that?  God's guidance became clear, and you just walked on into it.

No period of transition or preparation.

No "in-between."

My life doesn't work like that.

There are lessons, I think, in the "in-between", but I find it a stressful time.  It wears on me.  The dreams and odd thoughts grow more intense.  My tolerance grows shorter, and my mood less patient. 

I think the in-between creates a longing that is healthy - a readyness for the new place God is leading, the new season.

But in me, the in-between is also revealing.  Revealing of true character.  Of flaws and issues left to be resolved.

Lent starts tomorrow.

It's a season of "in-between" built into the yearly church calendar, and a season that always impacts me profoundly.

That long season of waiting for new life, while moving inexorably towards death.

A season that feels like a contradiction in terms.

Apparently I'm going to need to make peace with the in-between.

On the short term, with waiting for moving to be complete, and for the moment of saying goodbye to my roommate, who has become a dear friend in the two years we've lived together.

On the slightly longer term in waiting to find a vehicle.

And on the slightly longer term yet, in waiting for the arrival of Easter.

I'm living in the "in-between" and it's a rather revealing place.

Understand, Just a Little

I'll share more at some point soon, but I had an epiphany sort of moment on the train on the way home from work yesterday.

Yesterday was a rough day, and I was just glad to be leaving the office and heading for home and rest.

But Jesus met me as I listened to a sermon.

I understand now, just a little, this space I'm presently occupying.  And with that understanding comes a certain amount of peace.

Daily 5 - Day 171

It's 3:52 am, and I'm laying here, wide awake, fighting panic, and feeling like my world is spinning just a little bit out of control as all of the changes coming in the next month and months seem huge and overwhelming.  In the middle of the night all of those things that I know for certain in the daylight flee, and it is oh so much harder to fight this battle.  And it's this moment that I realize I was so distracted last night by the panic and the hope I could simply sleep it off, that I forgot to write the daily 5 list.  It's these moments that I most need these lists, these middle of the night panic filled moments.  It's these moments, too, where it's hardest to make this list.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Time with L. shopping for and sorting out wedding invitations.  Just need to nail down the details of when and where, and then we can do the last bit of designing, and begin the assembling and mailing.
2. Laughing with Mom and L. as we looked through my parent's wedding pictures, and some family pictures.  It was fun to see her face she saw the hairdos of some people she's met in our family and some baby pictures of T. that she'd never seen before.
3. Natural health treatment.  Hoping it really does help the healing process.
4. Reminding myself that it really does seem that God has lead me to move into Grandmas.
5. Thankful for rides to and from various places with my rather understanding family.

Daily 5 - Day 165

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting to be part of the big announcement of T. & L's engagement at church this morning.
2. I'm not going to be the only girl anymore!  I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I have two brothers, and all male cousins on both sides of the family.  I am quite literally the ONLY girl.  But now I get a sister-in-law and a little extra estrogen power :)
3. Went to T's choir concert tonight - was nice to finally manage to hear them sing.  And the music always moves me.
4. It was a day where I collected lots of hugs
5. Curly hair - my hair has been well behaved lately, and I've been able to wear it curly.  I love when my hair is curly.  It always makes me feel sort of pretty.
6. Wore one of the new pairs of jeans today - I feel really good in them.
7. Lots of moments for laughter
8. Realizing that some things I was quite nervous about are actually going to be really positive changes
9. The chance to journal this morning during the sermon
10. Actually slept a bit last night for the first time in a week.
    

Choosing Thanks

I'm very tired this morning.

Sleep was a bit fleeting again.  It has been most of this week.

And it's been a busy week, and it's going to be busier as I hit the weekend.

It's snowing again, but I drove to work anyway.  I simply couldn't face the added coordination of myself that it would take to get myself and my roommate (with no warning) to the train.  I'm hoping it sticks to the "light snow" that's forecasted, and that trying to get home tonight isn't a disaster.  I need to get home for a while in between work and plans to spend the evening with family.  If I don't make it home, I won't have bedding tonight, and I'll be moving four tires out of my trunk in the quest to find the sleeping bag that's buried somewhere in the back.  I put all of my sheets in the washer this morning, and if I don't get home, they won't make it to the dryer.  I'd definitely prefer to not have to go through the rummaging through my trunk to find a sleeping bag scenario.

I'm choosing thankfulness this morning.

I mentioned in last night's daily 5 post that driving home from house church after a long conversation with a new friend about the challenges I've dealt with for the last two years, that I was thinking about something she'd shared a few months back.  She'd talked about the process of being refined, and it struck me deeply.  Driving home last night it hit me in a fresh way that despite some of the rather hellish relational and health struggles that I've had for the last two years, I don't think I'd trade away those things if I also lost the changes within me.  It has been a fight that at times I wasn't sure I'd survive.  But I am surviving.  And I realized in a fresh way last night that I am emerging from this into new places, and that I like the person that I've become and am becoming.  I really like her.  And for me, that's huge, and hope giving and life giving.  To really like this person God is shaping me into.

So this morning, despite really cranky people in the office, and my own exhaustion, I'm choosing to be thankful  Thankful for the friend who listened to my story.  Thankful for her words a month or so back about being refined.  Thankful for the changes I'm sensing in myself, and the hope that they're giving.  And maybe even thankful for all of the really painful things (not quite sure I'm there yet), because they have been the things that have formed and birthed these changes within me.

Daily 5 - Day 157

I know I started this morning by saying I was pondering some good thoughts, and I'd likely be back later to share them.

Oops.

I had the best kind of Saturday.  A little bit of time with my family.  A few successful errands.  A lot of quiet time alone in the house (I actually really needed that after the week I've had.)  Some reading.  Some creative stuff.  It was good.

I'm still pondering those good thoughts.  Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow.  We'll see.  I want to let them settle within me for a while and make themselves at home before I share them with the world.

So, in the meantime, here's today's daily 5:

1. Got the oil in George changed.  My brother J. is out of work at the moment and agreed to change the oil for me for what I normally pay my mechanic.  It thrilled me to have that item off of my to do list.
2. Hung out with T for a while.  Fun to talk with him, and then with our dad and J. as well about our lives and changes coming for us.
3. Love dollar days at Sobeys.  Contrary to popular belief, I actually don't hate grocery shopping, I just have a strong dislike for the store that we shop at on a weekly basis.  Sobeys has a much better atmosphere, and they had a sale this week.  Things like 3lbs of bacon for the price of one.  Sweet deal.  I went this morning and stocked up on a number of items.
4. I very consciously spent about 40 minutes reading this afternoon.  Lately, reading for me has been in kind of snatched moments here and there (I actually do a lot of reading in the bathroom!)  It was nice to spend 40 straight minutes working through a book I'm trying to finish.  It was better still that God was speaking and encouraging my heart in what I was reading.
5. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon clipping words, pictures, articles and recipes out of magazines so that I could recycle everything I don't need from the magazines.  It was so relaxing to sit and clip things, and sort of enlightening, too, to consider which words and phrases are catching my attention right now, and to consider how those reflect shifts in how I'm dealing with life, and the desires of my heart for the coming year and beyond.
6. I woke up this morning with this spot running through my mind.  I heard about it in an audio book I'm working my way through, and think that this is a place I'd really love to visit.  Anyone want to make a trip to Turkey with me?
7. the color pink
8. oil burner with lavender and lavender scented candles lit all around my house today.
9. organic dried pineapple - tasty!
10. playing a few games online... fun way to turn my brain off for a bit.
    

Discontent

I feel an incredible discontent welling within me today.

And I've fought it, and wrestled with it, wondering if it should be allowed to be.

I don't know who coined the phrase "holy discontent", but it's the closest I can come to describing the deeply unsettled way this day has left me.  Not because there are huge things that have happened, but simply because I feel a shift.  Maybe it's larger than me, I'm not sure.

I'm asking God to reveal what he is teaching.

And for the patience to wait in a space of discomfort for that revelation.

Morning

As I sat down at my desk in my office this morning, I smiled at the half moon hanging in the western sky, stubbornly holding on as the first colors of sunrise began to light the eastern sky.

I'm feeling oddly reflective again this morning.  Not so unusual for me, I suppose, though it hasn't been the case in a few weeks.  At least not like this.  Slightly melancholy, and like I'm being pulled deep within myself, a shift in focus and attention perhaps.

So I'm quietly listening and waiting.  Thinking, pondering and praying.

New seasons indeed.

Quoting on Change

I received the following quote in an email this morning and found myself quite struck by it.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." (Victor Frankl)

A good thought, no?

Though I admit to still mostly holding a dislike for change, both in situation and in myself, I think I am getting better at this. I think that desired changes are slowly happening within me, and for that, I'm grateful.

Shifting

This has been the sort of week where I'm very aware of changing relationships.

Of ones that seem to have ended (whether that was what I desired or not).

Of others that have changed dramatically in time and tone and scope.

Where I've been remembering still others, lost in memories and prayers at moments.

Where every thing, every place, every moment seems laden with things that tug at heart strings.

I hit a wall of exhaustion today. A moment in which I simply went, "I need a vacation."

We have a long weekend coming up, but I will be spending it in transit to and from a wedding that will also be rife with memories and oddly shifted or tense relationships.

The weekend following that I've arranged for two days (a Friday and a Monday) off work. I badly need some down time. Time just for me, to rest and recoup. Time that (mostly) isn't planned, organized, or otherwise structured. Time where I can simply ask Jesus what we're doing, and spend the day with Him, being loved. Time to consider, to grieve, to recoup after all of the shifting that has taken place in my life this last while. And time to wait for new direction for the future.

I'm really looking forward to that weekend. But, for the moment, I'll just be glad to make it to the end of the work day tomorrow, and have some down time. This weekend is a bit scheduled and planned, with lots of people things that are sure to be a bit draining. But I'm working to also build in moments of rest. There always need to be moments of rest.

Waiting

It's funny how it goes.

I feel like the Lord has me in a season of waiting. Not a passive thing, where I just sit there, and he's silent. More of an active thing, where he's definitely speaking in various ways, where my emotions are churning and processing is happening in a wild sort of way.

I had a dream last week about shoes. Shoes often speak about transition for me - they've been a symbol of that for much of the last few years. And ever since the dream, I haven't been able to get the following lyric from a gospel song by High Valley out of my head "You don't wear your old shoes on your brand new feet..."

So I'm waiting. Because I think changes are coming again. In more than just the typical transitions that have marked June/July for the last few years. More than just moving, and a game of musical roommates. I'm hoping and praying that a new season is truly coming.

For the first time in a while, as I drove to work this morning, I found myself praying aloud. Making my "requests and petitions known to God." Prayers for myself, and for some I love. Prayers for the changes I feel happening within me. Prayers for blessing - even for those I struggle with (at one point I found myself telling God that I knew what I was asking was a bit of a selfish prayer, but would he translate the words because I genuinely desired to pray blessing from a heart that is right before him.)

As I climbed out of my car at the office, I "heard" again the scripture that goes, "See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland."

And my heart lept, just a little, in that cautious way it does after a long and bleak season, when it seems that hope may be presenting itself again. "Yes, Lord, I'm longing for that new season, for a way in the desert and streams where there is only barrenness."

I'm thinking too, about the line from Hosea, where the Lord speaks and says, "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope."

I'm waiting and looking for doors and new things. And praying the same for many that my heart holds dear.

Change?

A few weeks ago, on March 30th, I got an email from John Fischer's "Catch of the Day". He retold the story of the demoniac who is delivered, and the herd of pigs that perished when Jesus sent the demons into the pigs. He commented on the part of the story that has always struck me the most deeply - that the townspeople, instead of being amazed by the miracle, were terrified and asked Jesus to leave. All that to say that the last two paragraphs of his reflection struck me deeply, and I wanted to share them with you:
Although at first it sounds odd that they would want Jesus to go away after healing someone, I don't have to think very far past my own dysfunctions to understand this. The demon-possessed guy belongs in the graveyard, screaming, breaking his chains, and terrorizing the neighborhood. And the pigs belong on the hillside gently grazing. This is definitely a codependent town, comfortable with its accepted blend of sickness and tranquility. Until Jesus comes and messes everything up. He can make us well, you know, but it's going to mean lots of changes. You and I have to decide if we want that. So what will it be: the challenge of change, or send Jesus away? (John Fischer, "Codependent Town, March 30, 2009; Catch of the Day)