I came across this quote tonight, on a perpetual flip calendar of quotes that I've had for ages, but only pulled out of a box recently, and rarely remember to actually flip.
"If I have inside me the stuff to make a cocoon, maybe the stuff of butterflies is there, too." (Trina Paulus)
I know I have the stuff of cocooning inside me, especially these days as I find myself again wandering through some particularly challenging family and life circumstances. It was some-how hopeful to me tonight to remember that from a cocoon emerges a transformed being, a butterfly, and to pause and consider that maybe even in this crazy stuff of life, there is a transforming power at work, and beauty waiting to emerge.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Almost Weekend
House church went late last night, and when you don't have a vehicle, it means you stay until the people who drove you are also leaving. Which means I got home after 11. And that I then dealt with the usual sleep issues.
It was a bit of a rough night again.
Thankfully today will be a pretty laid back day at work.
But I'll be busy tonight.
Tonight is the night for packing my books, and my "altar spaces". I own probably somewhere around 2000 books. The altar spaces are simply prayerful reminders, scattered around my bedroom. With all of those things packed, the transition will truly become real. For the next week I'll live in a relatively empty space. It's a little bit crazy to consider, really.
I'm just not entirely certain yet how to process the fact that a week from tomorrow I'll be vacating the apartment that I've loved, in the neighborhood that I've loved, with the roommate I've loved, and moving into my Grandma's basement. It's not exactly what one would consider an "upwardly mobile" relocation. Not that I've ever been all that concerned with being upwardly mobile, but I guess some part of me is struggling with that move. With the fact that, at nearly 27 years of age, for at least the next six months, when asked where I live, the answer will be, "with my Grandma".
I need to write out some thoughts on this move. I have lots to share.
But for the moment, I'm thinking about tonight. About packing my books, and all those precious little things that truly make my bedroom a prayerful space. That make it home. I'm thinking about the next week lived in transition. I'm wondering how to make the new space cozy. I'm considering details like whether or not I need to recruit a few more people to help with the move, how I need to list my couch and loveseat on kijiji, the fact that I definitely need some new audiobooks since my commute is about to become even longer, whether I can work in moving a few more loads of things to Grandma's during the evenings next week, the process of packing our kitchen, and cleaning the apartment, and then the exhale, of doing the process in reverse, unpacking, and creating peace and space and home again.
This is the fourth time I've moved in 3 and a half years. The packing isn't particularly intimidating anymore, but I'm realizing that sometime late next week it will hit me that I've again made a major transition. So I'm waiting for that to sink in, and handling preparations in the meantime.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The In-Between
I woke this morning from unsettling dreams again.
I can't pinpoint why this particular set has left me unsettled. I can't even remember most of the images or plot-lines, though the few I recall are more ridiculous than anything else.
But I'm unsettled.
I woke, too, to the thought that I'm now officially tired of transition.
Of this in-between place.
I just want to be moved.
If this move is so clearly what God has next for me, then let's get on with it already.
Wouldn't it be nice if life worked like that? God's guidance became clear, and you just walked on into it.
No period of transition or preparation.
No "in-between."
My life doesn't work like that.
There are lessons, I think, in the "in-between", but I find it a stressful time. It wears on me. The dreams and odd thoughts grow more intense. My tolerance grows shorter, and my mood less patient.
I think the in-between creates a longing that is healthy - a readyness for the new place God is leading, the new season.
But in me, the in-between is also revealing. Revealing of true character. Of flaws and issues left to be resolved.
Lent starts tomorrow.
It's a season of "in-between" built into the yearly church calendar, and a season that always impacts me profoundly.
That long season of waiting for new life, while moving inexorably towards death.
A season that feels like a contradiction in terms.
Apparently I'm going to need to make peace with the in-between.
On the short term, with waiting for moving to be complete, and for the moment of saying goodbye to my roommate, who has become a dear friend in the two years we've lived together.
On the slightly longer term in waiting to find a vehicle.
And on the slightly longer term yet, in waiting for the arrival of Easter.
I'm living in the "in-between" and it's a rather revealing place.
I can't pinpoint why this particular set has left me unsettled. I can't even remember most of the images or plot-lines, though the few I recall are more ridiculous than anything else.
But I'm unsettled.
I woke, too, to the thought that I'm now officially tired of transition.
Of this in-between place.
I just want to be moved.
If this move is so clearly what God has next for me, then let's get on with it already.
Wouldn't it be nice if life worked like that? God's guidance became clear, and you just walked on into it.
No period of transition or preparation.
No "in-between."
My life doesn't work like that.
There are lessons, I think, in the "in-between", but I find it a stressful time. It wears on me. The dreams and odd thoughts grow more intense. My tolerance grows shorter, and my mood less patient.
I think the in-between creates a longing that is healthy - a readyness for the new place God is leading, the new season.
But in me, the in-between is also revealing. Revealing of true character. Of flaws and issues left to be resolved.
Lent starts tomorrow.
It's a season of "in-between" built into the yearly church calendar, and a season that always impacts me profoundly.
That long season of waiting for new life, while moving inexorably towards death.
A season that feels like a contradiction in terms.
Apparently I'm going to need to make peace with the in-between.
On the short term, with waiting for moving to be complete, and for the moment of saying goodbye to my roommate, who has become a dear friend in the two years we've lived together.
On the slightly longer term in waiting to find a vehicle.
And on the slightly longer term yet, in waiting for the arrival of Easter.
I'm living in the "in-between" and it's a rather revealing place.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Whirlwind
I feel like I'm living a bit in the midst of a whirlwind of change, and movement and transition just at the moment, and that's not something I'm coping with well. This is the ugly side of me. I'm working on it, and I'm better than I used to be (those of you who've seen or talked with me this week are wondering now how bad it used to be!). I know in my head that all of these things are well in hand. That we're organized, and that the move will likely go smoothly. My head is having a great deal of trouble convincing the rest of me, and I'm living in a massively speeded up world because of it.
But, just to give you a glimpse, here's some of what I've got going on for the next week and a bit:
First, because we have an out of province person in to do some work with our accounting department at work this week, I've been mostly covering my own lunch hours. Which means I'm not really getting a break in the middle of the day. No chat with a good friend who usually shares the lunch coverage of the phones with me. No relocating to her office for half of the lunch hour. And just a few frantic trips out to pick up something to eat, in 15 minutes or less so that I can get back to covering the phones.
Tonight my mom is coming over and we're taking another load (two vehicles full this time) of belongings to our new apartment. Then I'll likely come home and do a bit more packing, and carrying things that will need to be moved up from the basement.
Quite late tonight my brother and his girlfriend arrive home from a trip to visit her family. I don't have to go to the airport, but I think I may join my dad to pick them up, as I could desperately use a bit of a normalcy break. I'd like to do something, even just for a little bit, that doesn't revolve around packing and moving and transitioning.
Tomorow night is my dad's birthday dinner. So I'll be there, and then I'll be back at my current house, boxing the things in our kitchen so that we're ready for the major move on Saturday.
Saturday is the big move. If it's done in time, I'm desperately hoping to go to church. I'm longing to be around other believers.
Sunday I'm going someplace, at least for a few hours, by myself, to have a conversation with God, and get the divorce that I mentioned earlier this week. I'm actually hoping that the move will have gone very smoothly, and I'll be able to take most of the day for this. I'm not sure right now, given how the last few days have gone, how my panic levels and energy levels have been, that I'll be up to going to the spot I'd really like to, but I'm hoping for that.
Monday will bring the return of work, and in the evening settling in to our new house.
Tuesday will look pretty much like Monday.
Wednesday I'm off work for Canada Day. I have an installer coming sometime between 8 and 10 in the morning (who I have to refuse at the door - LONG STORY) to solve our internet and telephone and television issues. That day will also likely see the bulk of the unpacking work around the house.
Thursday and Friday will be much like Monday and Tuesday - work, and unpacking and cleaning.
Somewhere in there I also need to get out and accomplish some errands: groceries, a wedding gift, the bank, insoles for a couple of pairs of shoes, basic toiletry needs.
Saturday morning I'm driving to a city three hours north with my brother, to take in my roommate J's wedding. T and Dad are driving back Saturday night, while mom and I will be staying in the city for the wedding reception.
Sunday brings the three hour drive home, and then, quite likely, collapse.
I think the evenings and weekend that will follow all of that will finally bring the desperately needed down-time.
So, I'm living in the midst of the whirlwind, and doing my level best to stay upright. As opposed to previous times, I have in fact managed to eat something three times a day each day. This means that I have slightly more energy to offer than previous years. I did get a few hours of sleep last night before the tormenting started. That helps too. I wasn't too proud to admit that I need help and phone mom to ask her to pray. That's kind of a big step. My head knows, even if the rest of me doesn't, that I'm going to survive all of this, and be just fine, and that the move is well in hand. Usually I can't even convince my head of that. AND, I'm trying to find ways to inject just the tiniest bit of normalcy (like going to the airport tonight to greet my brother). That will hopefully help too.
But, just to give you a glimpse, here's some of what I've got going on for the next week and a bit:
First, because we have an out of province person in to do some work with our accounting department at work this week, I've been mostly covering my own lunch hours. Which means I'm not really getting a break in the middle of the day. No chat with a good friend who usually shares the lunch coverage of the phones with me. No relocating to her office for half of the lunch hour. And just a few frantic trips out to pick up something to eat, in 15 minutes or less so that I can get back to covering the phones.
Tonight my mom is coming over and we're taking another load (two vehicles full this time) of belongings to our new apartment. Then I'll likely come home and do a bit more packing, and carrying things that will need to be moved up from the basement.
Quite late tonight my brother and his girlfriend arrive home from a trip to visit her family. I don't have to go to the airport, but I think I may join my dad to pick them up, as I could desperately use a bit of a normalcy break. I'd like to do something, even just for a little bit, that doesn't revolve around packing and moving and transitioning.
Tomorow night is my dad's birthday dinner. So I'll be there, and then I'll be back at my current house, boxing the things in our kitchen so that we're ready for the major move on Saturday.
Saturday is the big move. If it's done in time, I'm desperately hoping to go to church. I'm longing to be around other believers.
Sunday I'm going someplace, at least for a few hours, by myself, to have a conversation with God, and get the divorce that I mentioned earlier this week. I'm actually hoping that the move will have gone very smoothly, and I'll be able to take most of the day for this. I'm not sure right now, given how the last few days have gone, how my panic levels and energy levels have been, that I'll be up to going to the spot I'd really like to, but I'm hoping for that.
Monday will bring the return of work, and in the evening settling in to our new house.
Tuesday will look pretty much like Monday.
Wednesday I'm off work for Canada Day. I have an installer coming sometime between 8 and 10 in the morning (who I have to refuse at the door - LONG STORY) to solve our internet and telephone and television issues. That day will also likely see the bulk of the unpacking work around the house.
Thursday and Friday will be much like Monday and Tuesday - work, and unpacking and cleaning.
Somewhere in there I also need to get out and accomplish some errands: groceries, a wedding gift, the bank, insoles for a couple of pairs of shoes, basic toiletry needs.
Saturday morning I'm driving to a city three hours north with my brother, to take in my roommate J's wedding. T and Dad are driving back Saturday night, while mom and I will be staying in the city for the wedding reception.
Sunday brings the three hour drive home, and then, quite likely, collapse.
I think the evenings and weekend that will follow all of that will finally bring the desperately needed down-time.
So, I'm living in the midst of the whirlwind, and doing my level best to stay upright. As opposed to previous times, I have in fact managed to eat something three times a day each day. This means that I have slightly more energy to offer than previous years. I did get a few hours of sleep last night before the tormenting started. That helps too. I wasn't too proud to admit that I need help and phone mom to ask her to pray. That's kind of a big step. My head knows, even if the rest of me doesn't, that I'm going to survive all of this, and be just fine, and that the move is well in hand. Usually I can't even convince my head of that. AND, I'm trying to find ways to inject just the tiniest bit of normalcy (like going to the airport tonight to greet my brother). That will hopefully help too.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Pity, party of one...
I'm laying here having a little tiny pity party.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.
So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.
Ill is arriving right on schedule.
I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.
Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.
So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.
I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)
I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.
I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.
So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.
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