Morning Mood

With so little sleep, my already, less than a morning person nature is really getting a chance to shine.

I'm spending a good deal of time each morning reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts, Lisa.  Inside thoughts."

Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.

I'm so tired that I fell asleep briefly on the bus yesterday afternoon.  That's pretty much unheard of - me sleeping in a public place.

I have a natural health treatment tonight.  Though I doubt he can do a lot about the nightmares, I'm hoping he can help at least a little with the sleep.

In the meantime, I'm working on my morning mood.  It ain't such a pretty thing!

Here's the Rub

I'm in a bad mood.

Partly because of the ongoing space of prayer and heavyness I feel.

And partly because of some decisions at the office this morning that are going to drastically affect my day, and with which I have some problems.

Here's the rub.

I know I can choose differently.

I can choose to be grateful that I have a job, and that my day will be very full (not that it wasn't going to be already, but you know...).

I can choose to not let the bad mood from work stuff be a factor in my day.

(Can't do so much about the heavy burden to pray stuff, other than pray.)

But I'm kind of enjoying my self-righteous snit.

I'm kind of enjoying feeling miserable because I KNOW I'm right and I think a decision is ridiculous.

And that's the rub isn't it?

Because that's hardly Christlike either.

And it's likely to grow and morph (I have a lot of experience with these bad moods) until I also resent the burden to pray, because it's infringing on my rights.

Sigh.

That's the rub.

Pity, party of one...

I'm laying here having a little tiny pity party.

I'm a terrible sick person. And when I'm overly tired it's worse.

So, I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself.

I'm thinking about the fact that June has presented certain challenges for the last several years. Challenges where the pace of transition in my life has stepped up dramatically, creating in my heart the need for greater time alone, or with those who know the deep places in my heart. Usually June prevents either, and I become crankier and crankier, and then I become ill.

Ill is arriving right on schedule.

I'm going to somehow have to find a significant chunk of time to get away alone. In a time when that time alone isn't taking away from a thousand other things that need to be done. And preferably not on an evening, when I need to be thinking about the fact that the next day I'll need energy for work.

Unfortunately, once we finally move, the first weekend will be taken up with a wedding... and the inevitable time necessary for settling in to a new home.

So, just at this moment, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It seems one set of symptoms had only begun to clear up (and has since returned) and I got hit with another one. And somehow, despite the fact that each of the things I did this weekend were at least somewhat enjoyable, together they've managed to destroy my energy reserves.

I'm musing about things like the fact that a normal person would just go to bed right now, but, because of my disturbed sleep abilities, I daren't go to bed this early unless I want to be wide awake at 2:00 tomorrow morning, and on into the rest of the day. (Can I just say that that thought isn't really doing anything to add cheerfulness to my disposition either?)

I'm lonely too. Missing some of the people with whom my heart connects most deeply.

I'm watching my own temper closely too. The little pet peeves are seeming bigger in the face of exhaustion, illness, and too many people. I think I've successfully managed to keep from lashing out at anyone, but I'm not loving the attitudes I'm finding within myself.

So, I'm off to have a shower, and maybe read in bed. Or maybe I'll just start packing boxes. I definitely can't stay on the couch... wedding central has returned, re-invaded, and I'm off to find some quiet.

I Should Have Known Better...

I should have known better.

I was in a fantastic mood. I'd gotten up slowly, visited the zoo, the farmer's market, and a great bakery before coming home to have breakfast.

There is a grocery store that I particularly hate. Unfortunately it has the best deals in town, so we shop there regularly. As stores go, it's huge and warehouse like. The floors are rarely clean, and it's even more rare that we don't have to go to another shop afterwards, because this store, despite it's good prices, rarely has everything we need (including staples like milk!) in stock. And, they're chronically short-staffed.

I'm sensitive to places, and this store is life-sucking. But, it saves us significant amounts of money, so we continue to shop there.

But, with all of that, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping there on a day I was in a good mood, and was supposed to be resting.

It was a bad move on my part. Within moments of stepping in the door, my mood had plummeted into crankiness.

Anyway... obviously I still need some work on the whole managing my energy and sabbath thing.

Here's to doing a better job of that next weekend.

Being Heard

I was reminded again this morning of the importance of being heard.

Work yesterday was enough to put me in a murderous raging kind of mood.

The first thing I did upon getting home (other than get dinner into the oven and started cooking) was to take a shower. I just felt slimy from the day I'd had and wanted nothing so much as to clean up and feel refreshed.

I think my roommates ask each night how my day has gone just because they know that there will always be a story that makes them laugh, and almost always a story that makes them grateful for their much "saner" jobs and coworkers.

After I commented on a particularly trying coworkers constant, just loud enough for me to have to hear, "ouches" and "ows" that have been filling my days this week, my roommate made a suggestion that made me laugh long and hard. She suggested that I start up a conversation at my desk with another coworker who is a good friend about how I've been reading in scripture lately about how I've been reading the book of Job recently, and I've been quite impressed with the way he suffered in silence! Or that we talk about how Jesus also suffered in silence! The memory of that comment has been buoying me and adding secret laughter all day.

Anyway, I arrived at the office this morning to discover that things had gotten worse, rather than better overnight.

Instant bad mood ensued, coming on the heels of a night where I'd slept even less than usual, and had dealt with several restless, emotional, and frightening dreams.

It's worse this week because I've been praying and trying harder than usual to be patient with this particular person and situation, but the last two days I hit my breaking point. My facebook status last night briefly read "Lisa mostly has the patience to deal with it, but sometimes contemplates justifiable homicide."

And then I was reminded of how nice it was to be heard. One long and very necessary conversation with my boss later, and I'm feeling better about the situation. Not entirely optimistic, because I've been down this road at least once a month for the last year, but encouraged that my boss at least is aware of what has been going on, and is nearly as frustrated with the lack of movement in the situation as I am.

So, here's hoping for better things in the coming weeks.

As for me, I'm celebrating that it's Friday and that means I'm wearing jeans at the office, and, that because of my quick overnight trip to Montana, I'm leaving the office an hour earlier than usual today (time I made up by coming in early two mornings this week, but still a fantastic thought after a trying week.) It's the weekend, and that's almost always worth smiling about!

Up and Down

Funny how moods change, and how difficult it remains, after all these years, to cling to reality in the midst of that.

Yesterday my mood could only be described as buoyant.

Today, not so much.

Up and down.

And working to figure it all out in the midst of those ups and downs.

Things I've done today, in the midst of sorting out my mood:

• Talked for the first time since August with my best friend. We used Skype and talked for nearly an hour. It was great to see and hear her. (And that, at least, was good for my mood.)
• Changed the sheets on my bed to flannel ones. I'm tired of cold nights, and I've been resisting the coming of winter by trying not to acknowledge it, but it's not working anymore.
• Finished reading a novel. Probably the last one - of that genre at least - for quite a while.
• Eaten Mexican food leftovers from last night.
• Told myself that I would not self-medicate the low mood with chocolate.
• Self-medicated (just a little) with chocolate.
• Had an argument with God. Out loud. While driving. I'm sure I must have looked insane if anyone saw me.
• Wondered about escapism and if it can ever be a good thing.
  
• Stashed a bottle of alcohol in my sock drawer.
• Bought a bottle of Bailey's for a birthday gift for my roommate. (Oh, maybe this point should have come before the one about stashing alcohol in my sock drawer??)
• Gone shopping.
• Realized that shopping for pretty things for yourself actually requires you to be in the mood to recognize something, anything, as pretty.
• Played the "if it's there, then I'll buy it" game with God over a book purchase that I really didn't want to make.
• Bought a book that of course was there.
• Gone to the dollar store to buy a new lighter to feed my ongoing obsession with candles in my bedroom.
• Started assembling a list of all the non-fiction books I own that have only been partially read, or not at all read. I'm at 67 with at least a few shelves of books left to check over. That's a lot of books. Maybe not reading novels of a certain genre for a while won't be so bad?

Okay... I think that's it. Those are the big things I've done today. I'll do laundry in a while. And probably go with my roommates to a craft store to look at ideas for wedding invitations. Somewhere in there I'll cook dinner. I'll make a grocery list. I'll finish the "argument" with God. (He, by the way is an annoying argument partner, who just keeps repeating the same point, quietly and calmly. It's very deflating.) I'll make time to read one of the books on my list. And time to read scripture. And likely time to journal. And shower. And, let's be honest - whether or not it's still self-medicating a bad mood by the time I get to it, I will be eating a slice of the chocolate mousse anniversary cake that I bought myself yesterday.

mis-matched

Have you ever had a day when your insides and outsides just didn't quite match?

I'm having one today.

My outsides look good - I know this because I spent quite a bit of time on my appearance this morning, styled my hair, put on makeup, and nice, new clothes - a cute outfit I picked up last night. I received several compliments on how I looked at church this morning.

However, my insides don't match.

Today I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm fighting with anger. I'm overthinking. I'm resenting things that I shouldn't. I'm working to avoid the internal workings of my soul. I'm quite frankly harboring a bad mood.

I am having a difficult time making a decision that will affect a large portion of the next two years of my life. It's in moments like this that I desperately want to go back to being a child - to having someone else be responsible for these decisions.

I need to do some writing. I've needed to do it since this morning. I'm avoiding it. On days like this I'm big on escapism. I work to avoid delving into the deeper parts of myself. Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll find.

I'm bribing myself with chocolate to get the writing done. A ferrero rocher if I finish this blog post - the first piece of writing I need to get done. A kit-kat bar (my favorite) if I actually sit and do the other.

I think I'm also going to bake cookies tonight. My grandma's recipe. Chocolate chunk. So good.

Okay... that's it for now... my first piece of chocolate has now been earned!

Not up to the fight today

You can tell a lot about my mental, emotional and spiritual state these days by checking out what I’m playing on my ipod at work.

Jason Upton, Steve Bell, Kendall Payne, Jacob and Lily – most of these mean I’m in a space where I’m willing and waiting to meet with Jesus, to encounter him.

U2 on the other hand, I listen to when I’m angry, when I’m afraid, when I’m frustrated, when I’m feeling the need to fight through something.

I’m listening to U2 today.

It would be an overstatement to say that I woke up angry this morning… you need to get more than three or four hours of sleep for it to qualify as “waking up”. Tossing and turning and lying awake and frustrated through most of the night hours doesn’t qualify.

I’m feeling tired, angry, fearful, frustrated. I’ve been sick for nearly two straight weeks – first a stomach bug, and now a brutal head cold. And I’m feeling just a little bit guilty because today I just don’t want to engage with the things that usually lift my spirits. I’m feeling like indulging the fear and the anger, and feeling sorry for myself… I’m feeling like wallowing.

Jesus re-hijacked my life in mid-August. It’s been a wild up and down ride ever since. So good, but so exhausting.

I’ve gone to deeper places than I ever imagined possible with Him. Beautiful places.

And today, I’m terrified of those places, of that ongoing journey. For a long time I’ve been afraid to deeply engage with the Spirit of God. I’m afraid of what I’ll find in my own soul, I think. I’m scared of losing control. I’m scared (again) of being “weird”. I’m scared of what He might ask of me. I suspect following Jesus may ultimately cost me my life.

I carry generational fears, too. Fears that compel me into slightly OCD tendencies – a need to check the lock on the door carefully before I go to bed each night among other things. To some degree a fear of men – particularly within certain situations. Odd that my mother, who passed these along, has found such freedom from them, while I still struggle deeply.

I carry fears from a series of things that happened in my life when I was twelve – fear of betrayal by friends, fear of rejection. In fact, it was a friend asking me the question “What were you like when you were twelve?” that opened the doors to this recent plunge into deeper things of Jesus.

I’ve chosen to live openly – the things I put on this blog are the deep heart things, very few things don’t make it here, or are held secretly. There are things I treasure in my heart that will never be shared, but mostly, I live with defiance – a honesty that is designed to push past the secret-keeping, fear inducing past of my life. I will give a piece of my heart to many who ask or draw it from me, and I trust them with it, but in some, secret corner, I wait for that moment of rejection and betrayal.

I want to be clear that I know so many of the spaces I’m occupying today are lies. That I know that fear is not from Christ, that He wants to combat lies. I just don’t know if I feel up to fighting that battle today. It seems easier to play dead.

So I’m sitting here, sipping tea, and listening to U2, and feeling angry, and exhausted by the battle, feeling frustrated, and unable (unwilling?) to fight.

He is risen...

He is risen indeed! Hallelujah!

I always feel like that call and response saying we all grew up with needs a hallelujah on the end. Sort of a benediction. A way to finish the sentiment, and give all the attention to the right thing.

Today was... interesting.

To be honest, right now I'm really wrestling with church a bit. Wondering again if it was the right decision to go back to my dad's church, get involved with the youth. Wondering what this season of life is.

I drove to church with my mom today, and on our way we picked up my nana. Just before we got to Nana's house, my mom asked a question, and I mentioned in an off-hand kind of way that I really wanted to stay at home today, just skip church entirely. Mom jumped immediately into a thing about "if you're not sure about coming to this church..." And I nearly started to cry, except we were about two seconds away from Nana's house, and it wouldn't have worked to start that whole discussion. All I could do was answer that I'm really frustrated with where my life is at right now, and church is only one expression of that.

I was supposed to be living in another city, possibly another country, by this point in the spring. If not another city, at least not in my parents house anymore. But I'm not. The girl I was moving cities with changed plans, and it only made sense to move countries if we did it together. We were also supposed to move in together in Calgary if the other plans fell through. She told me a week or two ago that she's accepted a request to become the roommate of another friend entirely.

I spent Lent praying for direction, and fasting in various ways to seek that direction, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. It's not that I regret the fasts - I learned some valuable things about myself - it's just that I was hoping for something clear. Some sense of next steps, of my place in the world, and of what I'm going to do in the next season of my life.

I'm tired all the time right now. Some of this is weighing on me, and my sleep feels like an area of spiritual attack once again. I have to be hyper-vigilant about praying protection each night before I fall asleep, or I'm highly likely to suffer nightmares. Because I don't sleep at night, I tend to fall asleep every time I slow down. I fell asleep in an armchair this afternoon, with a houseful of relatives sitting and chatting around me (though admittedly, we were all watching golf on television, and that does end up being rather soothing after a while).

Church this morning ended up being okay. The worship was great. It was great to simply celebrate Jesus and his redemptive power. I sat with Nana (who doesn't make it to church very often any more because of her health), and that's always fun. (Nana is my adopted, very British grandmother, a lady our family has known for years, who happens to live across the back alley from our house.) I chatted with a few of the youth.

You see, the thing that frustrates me with going to the church I'm attending is, it was supposed to be temporary. I was supposed to know by now what came next. I was supposed to be moving on. Instead, I wonder if I'm beginning to lose myself again in the sort of religious culture that it took so very long for me to begin to untangle myself from in the first place.

I don't know what comes next, and that is terrifying and angering, and makes me cry just thinking about it tonight.

I'm working to rest in the end of the phrase I started the post with. That last word that God has spoken so often to me over the last year and a half. The hallelujah. I want to live there. I'm trying to live there. It's not so easy just at the moment, but it's worth my best shot, with a few desperate prayers like "Help!" thrown in.

He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah.

Acerbic and Mouthy!

I’m in a rather acerbic mood this morning, generally cranky with life and people in general!

As I traveled the distance of my hour long commute by public transit this morning, my mind composed rather biting and sarcastic responses to comments that were never made. There was the woman who was rude to my brother and me yesterday morning in a passive-aggressive sort of fashion. There was the driver who slowed enough to acknowledge that I needed to cross the street, made eye contact to acknowledge that she knew I had the right-of-way and then proceeded to drive anyhow. There was the girl who pushed to be first off the train, only to stop dead, waiting inside the station at the top of the escalator in the warmth of the building for her bus, while those of us she’d pushed aside continued past her and into the cold.

All of these sorts of incidents made me rather glad that most days I have learned to control which thoughts come out of my mouth. (It may not seem that way to those of you who know me well, but trust me, I filter out quite a bit!) I was reflecting on the fact that as a child, I rarely got in trouble for defiance, or generally bad behavior, but was often in trouble for something I said, whether it was thoughtlessly rude, or deliberately designed to destroy. I received my fair share of spankings, usually because of my mouth!

Now if only I could gain control over the rather nasty and judgmental thoughts, stop having them, instead of having them but never expressing them aloud!