Daily 5 - Day 109

It's another day with a 9 in the counting of it. Two actually, if you consider that it is not only day 109 of these daily 5 lists, but also the 29th of November.

This has been an incredibly challenging weekend. Full of fears and facing fears, and standing in the midst of them. Some things that are good. Some that were just hard. I've been fighting tears all day. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because I am completely and totally spent. The entirety of last week was full and busy, one of the busiest in weeks. It was one of the hardest weeks at my office in months, and the weekend was very, very full of challenges. And I am reminding myself that it is okay to be spent after a time like that. That even a "normal" person would be spent, and that my health and energy levels are still compromised from two straight years of intensity, and I am only slowly recovering, and that it is okay to simply be tired today.

And so, I'm writing a daily "5" (not sure how many I'll accumulate today), and reminding myself of the moments of joy, the moments or things that made me smile, touched my heart deeply in some way, or for which I am deeply grateful:

1. I attended mass tonight at the cathedral downtown, as I sometimes do. It was lovely to sit again in the midst of quiet ritual and let the liturgy flow over me. I arrived about half an hour early, and sat in the quiet, prayerful church, fingering the rosary I bought nearly two years ago now at the Vatican, and letting my heart slowly quiet and seek out Jesus.
2. I was moved deeply by the older Indian lady who sat next to me during mass. Moved as I noticed her devotion, the way she fingered her rosary and wiped tears from her eyes as she knelt to pray after receiving the Eucharist.
3. I was moved by this post, these prayers, at shallowfrozenwater today.
4. I am thankful for the prayers of a friend last night. We've never spoken of the promise of shielding me that Jesus made to me a while back. Of the those things, but as we prayed together last night, and he prayed for me, he prayed simply that Jesus would teach me how to hold my shield. Words that spoke deeply to my heart, since he couldn't know of the promise they touched on.
5. I'm thankful for "The Feast of Seasons" - Steve Bell's Advent/Christmas album. Years of working in retail have left me with mostly disgust for Christmas music, but this album soothes the soul whenever I play it, at any time of year, but particularly as advent begins.
6. I'm thankful for the arrival of Advent (though I suppose I dread the pull of it as well). For the new year in the church calendar that it enters in.
7. I'm thankful for the moments where I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself. To not berate myself for simply wanting to fall apart in exhaustion. To not succumbing to overwhelming fear in the moments when I am so exhausted and teary and broken that those things mark something larger, perhaps a return of depression, rather than simply being the results of an incredibly challenging week.
8. I'm thankful that my parents live nearby, and were willing to loan me a car for the day tomorrow while George is being repaired, making in unnecessary for me to triple the length of my commute by taking public transit.
9. I'm thankful for a short chat with my brother this afternoon, laughing about his school work, and just generally enjoying a few minutes of each other's company.
10. I'm thankful that I made it to number 10 on this list! That there were 10 things that moved me or made me smile or made my heart thankful today. So many days it is such a challenge to find those 10, and today, despite the exhaustion was relatively easy, and that, too, is a blessing.
    

2500

I sort of feel like my 25ooth post should be something deeply profound.

But, I've got nothing.

I had a rough night again, full of dreams and prayers and odd experiences, and I'm feeling unsettled, uneasy, and just generally uncertain of what this day will hold.

I'm headed out shortly to attend another cooking demonstration.

The plans for after that are pretty low key, though sometime, late this afternoon, I'll drive to my parents, pick up my winter tires, and then one of them will follow me to the mechanic I use, where I'll drop off George to spend tomorrow being repaired, and borrow a vehicle from my parents so that my trip to and from work tomorrow is still smooth as well.

Other than that, I'm debating the possibility of attending mass tonight at the cathedral I sometimes go to. It's the first Sunday of Advent (more thoughts on that later, perhaps) and I am feeling drawn towards mass and remembering and preparing again.