Worth It?

I'm tired this morning. I worked the late shift last night, and it was unusually busy. At least it was with a coworker that's fun to work with! Got home, watched a sappy movie o­n TV with my parents, read for a while and went to bed.I spent most of the morning reading in bed, and now I'm getting ready to work another late shift.

I find myself wondering if this is the sum total of my days - filling time to make the day go by, so that I can sleep and then do it all again. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, and I'll be really sorry when it ends, especially if I don't find other work soon. But, I keep thinking that there has to be something a bit more meaningful than this.

I guess I'm in a bit of a funk again. I'm tired of waiting for God to show up. Tired of longing for that, and then telling myself not to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm jealous of those to whom hearing from God seems to come easily or be second nature. I'm jealous of some of my close friends who are off having adventures and serving God in different parts of the world.

I want more of God, but I almost don't expect him to show up anymore. It's been too long, and I've been disappointed too many times. Most days I don't bother to pick up a Bible any more, because it feels like such a dead read. I content myself with running through the few passages I have memorized at work recently. I pray more out of habit than out of passion - at least for myself. For the needs of my friends I come before God with some degree of passion.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm having o­ne of those days when my life feels empty and where I'm wondering, "Is it really worth it to keep pursuing God?"