Too much of myself....

It's been an interesting week. Full of dreams, and half-waking moments that I don't quite know what to do with... I keep dreaming of "lost" things. Twice last week it was a lost wallet. Then two or three days of dreams where I was sleeping in the dream, and would then wake up, and know that I had just missed something very significant. And this morning it was a lost, unwanted infant. A baby that was being passed from person to person. No one knew who she belonged to (her name in the dream was Hannah), and no one wanted to keep her. Like I said... it feels as if there is something just beyond my reach, and I don't know quite how to catch hold of it...

And on top of the dreams, last night I realized something about myself. I NEED to be right as much as possible. I was sitting and having dinner with a friend, catching up on life in the last several months, and sharing about a situation - a decision I've made - that has somewhat polarized quite a number of my relationships.

And I realized something. I know that I followed God's leading in this situation, but I really want other people to see it as the right decision. I want to feel vindicated. I want other people to follow my lead. It hasn't been enough that God is pleased with my obedience. I want the accolades of people for my obedience. I want them to do the same thing, or at least tell me that I did the right thing.

I'm tired of myself. Not only am I overshadowing God in my own life, but I'm alienating some friends by incessant need to be told that I am in fact following the leading of God in this situation. I read Psalm 51 last night, David's prayer of confession, and made it my own, confessing to God that I have allowed others to overshadow Him, that I myself have overshadowed Him, and asking Him to remind me continually that it is only His approval and vindication that I need.